j a i m e e

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TRIGGER WARNING: graphic mention of rape

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"Where are we going?" I ask as we climb into his car.

"Not saying."

"Why not?"

"I want to surprise you." Shayden answers.

The evening air nips at my exposed skin but the car soon warms up.

We shuffle into the car, listening to the music playing quietly as Shayden drives. Our surroundings become familiar, and it doesn't take long for me to realize where he's taking us.

Relaxing as the music plays, I take in the moment but focus on Shayden. He has one hand on the wheel and one loosely dangling near the gear stick as we drive up the hills.

"Are you staring at me, Mendoza?"

"Yep."

"Why?" He asks, glancing at me before diverting his attention back to the road.

"Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life."

He doesn't reply but I can see the faint blush decorating his cheeks as he tries not to smile. He wouldn't admit it, too obsessed with his masculinity, but he loves all the sentimental stuff just as much as I do.

"Did you still come here...After...?" I ask as we get closer and closer to our destination.

He shakes his head, mouthing the word 'no'. I nod my head in response, bidding us back to the comfortable silence between us.

Nothing changed in all the time we've spent away from this place; it is still as beautiful and arcane as ever. The city lights dance in the moonlight, acting as a reminder that even though this world can be so messed up, it can be so beautiful as well.

When we stumbled upon this place as kids, we were blown away. We were invincible, literally stood on what seemed like the top of the world.

The car is put into park and we take in the setting in silence. Our hearts beating in unison, amazement consuming our entire thoughts.

"I could never do it." He whispers, "Not without you."

My eyes flicker, my chest tightening as the everlasting guilt hits me again. I take his hand in mine, squeezing it. "Neither could I. This was our place."

"It is our place." He corrects, squeezing my hand back

"Remember the first time we found this?" Shayden asks. I nod my head, reflecting on the day that we were supposed to go to Homecoming.

It consisted of me having a mental breakdown about my outfit and Shayden trying to console me. We ended up going to the diner instead and then proceeded to walk around. Eventually, we stumbled upon this spot and didn't leave for hours.

"We made a promise to each other that night." I add in, laughing at our childlike naivety. I miss the days where my biggest worry was what dress I was wearing, or what burger I'd order. Worrying about whether my Dad would show up at the school to pick us up and then panic at the fact we weren't there.

Remi would've covered for me anyway. He always did.

"We promised that we'd always save each other the last dance." He says softly, "We had this heart to heart and then you decided to play a game of tag."

I remember that. I remember running away from him as quickly as I could in my dress and failing, due to the fact running was practically foreign to me. I screamed so loudly when he caught me, spinning me around until I felt dizzy.

"We sneaked back into mine at like 3am. I thought my Dad was going to kill me."

"That was the first night I ever stayed over." Shayden reminds me, making my heart flutter. "I held you until you fell asleep and it was the moment that I decided that I never wanted to sleep again if it wasn't next to you."

My cheeks flush at this. It was the first night since the day I was attacked, since the last day of 8th Grade, that I didn't have a nightmare. Shayden protected me, fought them off without even realizing.

Our bodies fit together, like jigsaw pieces. Nothing else has ever worked.

"I couldn't sleep when I lost you." Shayden mumbles under his breath, more as though it was a train of thought rather than a purposeful statement. "Mom got really worried, tried to make me see a doctor."

Something sharp stabs at my chest. I can relate to what he's saying. Sleeping alone after years of being together was painful but a part of me knew I wouldn't have been able to sleep regardless. My mind was constantly on overdrive in the months following our breakup. I couldn't rest, I couldn't sleep. Knowing Cameron was still out there, that he could come back. They didn't even lock him up while we waited for the trial. Hypervigilance became my best friend.

"Maybe that day in the diner just proved that we're meant to be together." Shayden comments following my silence, turning to look into my eyes. "Four years and we ended up in the same place, at the exact same time. It's too crazy to be a coincidence."

"The last dance, me and you. Remember?" I squeeze his hand, "It was always you, Shay."

"I know." He whispers, biting his lip before raising his voice slightly. Hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"

My pulse accelerates at the question, "Yeah?"

"I know this is the wrong place, but I don't think I'll be able to cope without knowing anymore." He inhales deeply, "The breakup. Did you end it because you were raped?"

Fuck.

8 words. They sent several punches into my chest and I have to force myself to breathe. My vision blurred and the pain igniting within my stomach reaches an almost unbearable height. The question brings back memories and feelings that I never wanted to relive again.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

That was my motto; don't think about it and it won't bother you. But it never worked, it never helped when that single word caused me to lose all sense of self.

"You fucking-" I cut myself off, hissing the words at him as I shook my head. I ripped my hand away from his.

How dare he do that here. Of all places. This is our happy place; this is the one place that I actually felt safe.

"Jai-"

Cameron never came here. I'm safe here.

"Shut up." I snap, but my voice breaks. My hands go up to my eyes, wiping whatever fluid was threatening to spill out. "Shut up."

"I didn't-" He stops himself, taking a moment before continuing. "I didn't mean to upset you. Or hurt you. I'm sorry that happened to you, Jaimee, I'm sorry I didn't know."

"Stop." The word sounds like a whine and I almost shatter at the realization that he's seeing me in such a weakened state.

This isn't me. This isn't the me he's known for years.

That night changed everything and I couldn't let him witness my downfall.

We didn't speak for a long time, the minutes ticking by as we were surrounded with a deafening silence.

My chest ached, shame coating my entire body as a constant reminder that no matter what I did, I couldn't run from my past. It still followed me everywhere I went, even four years later.

"What happened to him?" I can see him tighten his jaw at his own words.

Something within his question breaks me. Maybe it was the fact someone was actually asking me that, to hear them words that no one had ever known to ask before.

The raw comfort that someone actually cared, that what happened to me wasn't worthless after all.

I still want to deny it. Tell him nothing happened to the bastard who did this to me but I'd be lying. He already knew the truth, despite how much I wanted to deny it. "He's in Jail. Gets out next year."

"Next year?" Shay's jaw drops, "Next year? The bastard raped you and he got a few years? What the fuck."

He hits the steering wheel without an ounce of hesitation. But the blunt noise makes me flinch back violently, my heart racing dangerously in my chest.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Shay apologizes almost instantly, eyeing my weakened state. "Does anyone know? Libbie? Taylor? Remi?"

I shake my head.

It was moments like these which made my defences crumble. I always knew deep down that he'd care about me, try to look out for me. But I couldn't stay with him and lie. I couldn't burden him with my shit-storm of a life.

And when it happened, a small part of me thought he'd blame me. Like the Cops almost tried to do. What was I wearing? Was I walking alone? Did I have an argument with him before? Was I drunk?

Shay's face contorted into a mixture of anger and pain, much to my surprise. "You went through this alone?"

"I guess so." I drove myself to the police station. I made my way to court every single day to give my testimony. I saw him. I attended the court mandated therapy sessions.

"Fuck. I'm so sorry I wasn't there and I didn't know. I swear to you, things would've been so different if I did." He pauses, eyes widening as he looks painfully at me. "When we...It wasn't coerced, right? Please tell me I didn't make you feel obligated to have sex with me or you felt uncomfortable because I neve-"

"Shay, stop." I end his rambling with a sigh, "I ended our relationship two days after it happened. I haven't had sex since before. You're the only person I've ever been with."

He visibly relaxes, "Jai...I cannot even express how much I wish I was behind you as that bastard got sent down. Even if you didn't want to be with me, I wish you would've told me."

'Don't you think I'm a slut?" I whispered to him, my lips shaking as a cold breeze broke in through the car window.

He recoils as though I've punched him, eyes squinting in pity.

"I think you're amazing. I've always thought that you're amazing, Mendoza." He emphasised, admitting something that I know he wouldn't have a few years ago. "You're bold, and strong, and so unapologetically yourself. No one compares. As cheesy as it sounds, if you could view yourself how I view you, you wouldn't ever question yourself again. This changes nothing but my level of respect for you. Don't let it change who you are, because the only person who has to live with that is you."

"I know that." I muttered. I pulled myself out of the car, climbing up onto the bonnet so I could see the city. Shayden follows me silently, sliding so he's sat next to me.

Cambridge always looked so much more beautiful during the night. The city was enriched in color, scattering and serenading the entire atmosphere with this childlike innocence that was only reserved to those who lived there and loved every second of it.

I never appreciated it as a child, having always wanted to move elsewhere as soon as necessary. After my parents died, I knew I wouldn't be able to go. This was my home, the community was like a family.

"It's weird," I start off, "Some days, I'm fine and everything's normal. I'll wake up and not feel exhausted. I can sit in a public place and not be terrified that someones watching me, that someone will spike my drink or grab me or touch me. If I'm lucky, it won't even cross my mind. And then other days, it's like it's just happened. It hurts like it's fresh. My skin crawls and I just want to cry and nothing distracts me from it. It's like my own body is the scene of a crime that I can't run or hide from. I live here, constantly going through this process that has no definite time frame. It's fear, and anxiety, and a constant expectation that everyone I love will hurt me. It's just a matter of waiting for it to happen."

"Is that why you freaked out? That night when we wer-"

He cuts himself off as I nod my head stiffly, unconsciously wrapping my arms around myself.

"I knew...I know," I correct myself, my words coming out as a whisper. "I know you'd never hurt me or do anything that I didn't want to. But sometimes my head just gets carried away."

"Why are you still so scared of it?" He asks, genuine curiosity intertwining within his tone. "The fucker who did this to you is inside, he can't hurt you. And I wouldn't let him get to you again."

"I guess that's the thing." I shrug, "My trauma's always in present tense."

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