Sorry for the super delayed update, and i know this aint an actual chapter, but i would just like to politely remind yall that im still alive because im getting tired opening PMs only to see a message "hey bruh, you still alive??" asdghhjk what the fuck kind of question is that?? im writing anime fanfiction in my spare time-- do you think im not dead inside??? i was never alive to begin with when i started this sksksk

ALSO, to occupy more of your time, here is an itachi one shot i made for valentines day in case you guys havent read it yet. in the future, i may or may not consider writing lemon for him but it really depends on my character development if i were to get over my immaturity over mentioning words close to penis and cum. my eyes are virgin just like kakashi--

- Art is by me ^^

- MC is the Hyuuga heiress and is the older sister of Hinata.

- Non-Massacre AU; Hanabi doesn't exist; Itachi is one year older than MC!

- Happy (belated) Valentines Day!!

- I almost forgot Valentines Day was a thing, that's why I wasn't able to write ahead, and now I have to split this in two parts to publish it on time agghjkkl

- Summary: In which Itachi is a magnet for outlier dojutsu users who do not fit their clan's stereotypes. OR: Itachi pulls a Minato.

- Warnings: None, other than bad flirting lmao

- Word count: 4,620

~*~*~

"Underneath the Underneath (Part 1)"

You're an eccentric child, people have collectively decided. So un-Hyuuga-like, as you were informal, care-free and overall expressive. Very un-Hyuuga-like, indeed. The only trait that defined you as a proper Hyuuga was your excellency in performance. It is the only reason why they let your peculiar attitude slide. After all, aren't all geniuses peculiar in their own special way?

The Hyuuga heiress is born for greatness, the clan claimed. A once-in-a-century prodigy that could match the Uchiha's own prodigy, the village rumors said. Her milestones are abnormally impressive; she started training at two years old, the elders whispered. She will be the top shinobi of her generation and will do the clan proud, your father, the clan head, confidently stated.

They were right... Until they weren't.

Four years after your own birth, your little sister was introduced to the world; Hinata. She was a small and precious thing, and she became worth more to you when Mother died in exchange for her life. The Kyuubi chakra played a part on her untimely death; specifically, its lingering corrosive chakra.

During labor, Mother had to choose between her own life or her new daughter's. Her answer was rather obvious, as you attended her funeral with a sleeping Hinata bundled within your tiny arms. You silently thanked Mother for her best and last gift to you.

Your imouto's first gift to you was her first word; she called you "Ane".

Two years later, at six years old, you attended the Academy; your clan wished for you to graduate in a year just like Itachi did (or earlier if you can). However, you don't really care about that, because your focus was entirely on Hinata's progression.

Despite your sister being only two years old, she was already gossiped about within the compound walls. It was this early when they decided that you were the better choice.

The Spare is not like her older sister, the clan claimed. The second child is not worth talking about, the village rumors said. So ordinary and lacking compared to the heiress, the elders whispered. She will be branded with the Cursed Seal, your father, the clan head, somberly stated.

You've seen the way the Seal was used against the branch members; how your father treated his own twin brother-- his younger brother, even just by mere minutes of age difference.

You don't want to treat Hinata like that; you don't want that life for your imouto.

Decision made, you will let Hinata surpass you. You'll downgrade yourself and let your progression stagnate. If that's not enough, then you'll teach and train your imouto, yourself, on how she could be better than you. Once the clan sees she's the superior one between the two of you, she'll be made heiress, and you'll be the one branded instead.

Your sacrifice may be nothing compared to Mother's, but you're trying.

A year passed and the clan was restless regarding on why you've yet to graduate-- better yet, on why you've yet to skip at least a grade. Your father demanded an answer from you, and with a smile, you only answered with an aloof, "I dunno". Father gave you a tutor afterwards, and the tutor only ended up being frustrated with your lack of progress. They limited your social interactions outside the clan; they upped your training and prolonged its schedule. Despite all this, your stagnation did not change.

The clan started doubting you.

On Hinata's third birthday, she was not part of the Seal Branding Ceremony. The clan hesitated doing so, in case she could grow to be better than you. We've yet to see the start of her potential, they said. Your head start progress may have just been a fluke, they thought.

Despite the possible fate you could end up condemned in, you were relieved.

Later that night at the same day, the Kumo delegates trespassed the Hyuuga compound. They targeted the heiress; you. For your unsealed Byakugan.

When you felt foreign chakra enter from your bedroom window, you thought about apprehending them yourself. You can; you're capable and it can be done quick. However, if the clan found out that you could defeat a Kumo jounin, your efforts to downgrade your abilities would be all for naught. Your efforts to keep your imouto happy would be all for naught.

You can call for help, you thought. But...

While you pretend you're not a prodigy, you actually are one.

There must be a reason why Kumogakure was brave enough to soil the peace treaty at the same day it was signed. A loophole, you supposed. If that were true, then you have to take this outside-- outside the village where its laws do not rule over the land outside its walls. The laws of Konoha will be nulled, along with the treaty, once you've taken a foot beyond its gates. Whatever happens out there is not liable to Konoha.

For your imouto, you will risk your safety and let yourself be captured. Only when you exit the village you would make your move. Once you return to the compound, you will claim that someone saved you.

You barely put up a fight when they gagged you and took you away.

The Kumo delegates (double-crossers) escaped with little to no sound.

...

"If you try to run away, we'll gouge your eyes out, understand?" Your kidnapper gruffly threatened, as he roughly set you down from his shoulders.

It didn't take long when your group exited the village. Not much of a considerable distance, but far enough where your chakra flare cannot be sensed by Konoha shinobi.

Your kidnapper's companions watched your every move, as he prepared thick ropes to bind your hands in, now that they have all the time in the world. You thought that their underestimation of your capabilities was ridiculous, even if you were only a seven-year-old girl. They should've knocked you out.

Oh well, it would make this a lot easier.

You removed the cloth gag from your mouth. With your pale lilac eyes crinkling from your smile, you complied.

"Okay, no running," Before the Kumo jounin could even comprehend what you just said, you moved. "Byakugan!"

No running, but they didn't say anything about fighting.

~*~*~

Itachi Uchiha took a midnight stroll within the empty and dimly-lit streets of Konoha, trying to distract himself from his recent nightmare. He couldn't walk within his compound for a moment, as the clan sigils plastered all over its walls felt like they were glaring at him. He felt trapped.

While his newly-awakened sharingan is useful for his shinobi endeavors, he's starting to think that it isn't worth it if it asks for his mental stability in exchange. The dojutsu was not worth his teammate's life. Then again, at least with the sharingan, he can prevent future deaths-- future losses.

He can only imagine what it would be like to gain the Mangekyou Sharingan-- to lose someone worth more than his teammate; someone that he's sure his heart would continuously bleed for. His parents? His brother? His best friend? It's thoughts like these that prevents him from reaching out; to add more names to his short list of precious people. The Uchiha love deeply; it's both a warning and a fact, and Itachi took the former to heart. Still...

No, he will not strive to gain the ultimate stage of the sharingan. It's not worth it. It never will be.

(But it's not like he holds the fates of his precious people to prevent that).

His musings were cut short when he saw three silhouettes pass by the rooftops in a hurried pace. He would've dismissed them as patrolling shinobi, if only the moonlight didn't shine on the fourth small body-- a child, he realized.

Something isn't right, his shinobi instincts told him. So, he discreetly followed.

His instincts were proven right when the group led him outside the village's gates.

He jumped to the trees after them.

...

The Uchiha planned on intervening; he really did. The plan was to wait for the three shinobi (Kumo, he later learned from their hitai-ate) to slow down, so that he could properly aim his kunai and not accidentally hit the Hyuuga girl within the chaos. He's sure she's a Hyuuga; the pale eyes were unmistakable, but they held no fear nor panic much to his befuddlement.

However, the moment the girl was put down, she removed her gag and activated her famed kekkai genkai with a shout of "Byakugan!".

And then, he was entranced.

The way she fought the three jounin shinobi was too graceful to even call it a fight-- a dance, he thought to himself. Not a waste of breath nor movement; she intended to be swift instead of dragging the fight longer than necessary. The Hyuuga was light and swift with her feet and hands, and he was further intrigued when all ten of her fingers produced chakra scalpels that aided her juken taijutsu.

Itachi swore he never saw a Hyuuga fight like that. He would've thought that it was a secret jutsu that he shouldn't be bearing witness to, if only she didn't throw the chakra scalpels with chakra strings attached. That was certainly not a Hyuuga technique. The Hyuuga don't use projectiles in their taijutsu.

It was like--like a bastardized version of the juken that's mixed with iryo-nin and Suna techniques. While it was creative and unpredictable, he doubts that a proud traditional clan like the Hyuuga would let anyone tarnish their conservative taijutsu like that.

Who is she?

He didn't realize that the only reason why he caught her every movement in detail was because of his subconsciously-activated sharingan.

The next thing he knew, all three jounins were down-- unconscious and not dead, he observed.

"I know you're there. Come down,"

If Itachi wasn't trained to control his involuntary reactions, he would've jolted from the tree he was perched on. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. He deduced that because of her Byakugan, she can easily spot his stray chakra within the leafy canopies.

With a grace comparable to a feline's, he soundlessly landed in front of the girl whom he noted to be a year or a few months younger than him.

"I apologize for not stepping in to aid you," He spoke first, eyeing the thin sheet of perspiration decorating her unbranded forehead. A main house Hyuuga, he noted, as he observed her condition (she's wearing her sleeping attire, he realized). Then, he looked at her light lilacs, the bulging veins around her eyes framing them.

Under the glowing moonlight, two prodigies-- heirs of rivaling clans-- made eye contact for the first time.

Neither noticed that their own dojutsus were still activated.

The girl fearlessly stared at his glowing crimsons-- a single tomoe decorating the pair.

After a few moments of silence, her adrenaline faded and she seemed to have realized that her Byakugan was still activated. She quickly deactivated her kekkai genkai, and Itachi was slightly embarrassed that his own dojutsu was still activated as well and was staring at her with it; he immediately followed her example.

The still quiet was interrupted by a snort. He was startled by the sudden noise, but was then confused when he understood that the noise came from her. A Hyuuga snorted.

"Maah, letting the lady do all the work, herself. What kind of a boyfriend would that make you in the future?" She playfully taunted, a wide grin unbefitting for a Hyuuga plastered on her face. Itachi blinked once. Then, twice.

"... Excuse me?" Was all he managed to say, his perplexed expression only making her laugh openly.

"Ah well, this has been quite a work out, but it's late and we both should go home now, ne?" She suggested, not even waiting for his response when she suddenly took hold of his hand and dragged him to the direction of their village.

How un-Hyuuga-like, the voice in his head, who suspiciously sounded like Shisui, supplied. Itachi was spending too much time with the older Uchiha if he's starting to incorporate the shunshin-user's penchant for making up weird adjectives.

Even still, for someone who was recently kidnapped, the girl seemed too blase for her own good, and he hasn't even covered the surface of her unusual attitude for someone who's from a strict clan. The Hyuuga girl briefly reminded him of Shisui.

Snapping out of his contemplating stupor, Itachi offered a suggestion.

"It would be faster to travel by trees," Much, much faster than walking on forest grounds.

"Nah, I'm saving chakra," She nonchalantly said, her grip on his hand not faltering.

The Hyuuga's answer baffled him, as he was certain that her reserves were only a quarter away from being full before he deactivated his sharingan. It was due to her impeccable chakra control and conservation that only had her use a quarter of her chakra pools. Her remaining chakra was more than enough to jump on trees.

"You're lying," Itachi accused, but there was no heat nor malice behind his words. It was as if he was just stating a fact.

"Am I?" The girl briefly glanced back at him before faking a pondering look, still not pausing from her walk. "I'm pretty sure I just said I'm saving chakra. I didn't say anything about being almost out of it,"

That is... true, he conceded.

"I do not understand why we cannot go with my suggested alternative," He thought aloud, in hopes for the girl to tell him her reason.

"Hmm, can I tell you a secret?" She suddenly asked with a light tone, and for the nth time tonight, Itachi was caught off-guard. "Y'see, the reason why I don't want to use my chakra too much is because I can't let my clan know I fought my kidnappers and won. They'll get suspicious if my chakra reserves are... lower than they should be. I can only get so far lying about using my Byakugan to guide us back home,"

That is... unusual. If Itachi was hiding his curiosity about the girl before, he was rather obvious about it now.

"Why?" He finally asked, wanting light to be shed on the girl's mystery.

"To protect my imouto," Was her simple answer in a voice so solemn, and never had he empathized with someone so much before. "Don't tell them," It was a demand, not a request, and it promised consequences if he were to not comply.

"... Hn." Itachi agreed, and the girl beamed at him as if she understood his grunt of a reply.

Itachi was aware about the family hierarchy within the Hyuuga clan-- the main house and the branch house. They can deny it all they want, but no matter what they call it, it's still considered slavery. He suspected that the girl's reason has something to do with that. However, he won't pry; it's strictly clan business and he's not a Hyuuga.

"When we get back, tell them you saved me, okay?" The girl chirped as if that won't cause political tension between two clans, and Itachi almost stumbled on his step.

"I-I cannot possibly take credit for your efforts," Itachi refused, already knowing the implication of what it would be like for the main house Hyuuga member to admit that an Uchiha saved her.

While not a tradition, the Hyuuga are too prideful to be indebted to the Uchiha, especially that he's the Uchiha heir. It would make sense that they would immediately try to cover that debt as soon as possible. This would shift the neutrality between the two rivaling clans, and the favor would fall onto the Uchiha. Itachi knows that the girl would end up being the black sheep-- the disgrace-- of the prideful clan if she went through with this (especially that she's a main house member); it's worse when he remembered the fact that it's all a lie.

She saved herself and he did nothing.

"Additionally, I do not find it wise to lie to your clan head," He added, in hopes to convince his companion to abort her plan.

"Mou, so noble," She good-naturedly teased, smirking. "I don't really care if you take credit-- that's entirely the point. Now, as for lying to the clan head..."

She paused on her steps and released his hand from her grip (his palm suddenly felt cold and he briefly wondered when was the last time he made human contact within a long duration of time). For a second, Itachi thought the Hyuuga considered his argument, taking the time to think about it; that is until she took a deep breath, angled her foot unnaturally and forcefully stomped it on the ground.

"Hyuuga-san!" Itachi exclaimed (somehow his voice still sounded soft), his eyes widening. He instantly stood by her side to catch her in case she needed a crutch to keep balance.

In all scenarios Itachi had thought of within his prodigious mind, never had he considered this outcome.

The Hyuuga girl just sprained her own ankle, intentionally.

Why did she do that?!

The look he was giving her was enough to convey the inquiry he was wordlessly asking her.

After releasing a pained grunt, she recovered her composure, as she steadied herself by holding onto his arms. She gave him a shaky smile, much to his confusion (it's starting to get tiring).

"Oh no! I am lost in the woods at a dark night with a sprained ankle! Whatever shall I do?" She melodramatically poised the back of her hand on her forehead, imitating a banal damsel in distress. "I hope someone will save me!"

The last phrase told him enough of her intentions.

She... She didn't...

All that for this.

"Ne, how was that? Potential future actress, right?" She joked, as he continued to stare at her with mixed feelings that even he did not understand. "Oh don't look at me like that. This way, you won't be lying to my dad that you saved me. I can't really travel like this, y'know? At the same time, we get to travel by trees since you'll carry me. It's a win-win!"

... Dad? The clan head is her dad?

Then, that would make her...

What a political nightmare.

(He's not worried for himself. After all, the situation is within his clan's favor. He worries about the expectations and disappointments she'll be facing since she seems to be of Academy age. Especially when word goes out that he supposedly defeated three jounins on his own, while the two heirs are near of age. He is no stranger to power comparisons.)

However, it makes sense. That may just be what she intended. She mentioned protecting her younger sister, and he remembered the twin Hyuugas-- one of the main house, and the other of the branch house. Despite coming from the same womb, one of them was condemned to the life of a servant.

She plans to be the one to inherit that fate.

He... understands her now.

And who was he to render her sacrifice useless?

"Wait, hold on, can you even carry me? I mean, your arms do look kinda noodley and-- woah!" The girl cut herself off, when Itachi dipped and scooped her legs with one arm and his other on her back. The next thing she knew, she was being carried bridal style, and barely processed it before Itachi took a leap to the trees' thick branches.

Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and Itachi was not used to such close proximity.

Sneaking an eye glance, Itachi noted how the girl seemed to enjoy her hair being billowed by the rushing wind. Her pale eyes seemed to near the color of pearly whites whenever the moonlight would shine through the gaps of the forest's canopies and reflect from her mirthful lilac crystals.

Her smile widened to a grin when he particularly took a high jump which had them hover above the forest's foliage-- high enough to see the full moon unobscured by tree leaves.

Itachi enjoyed tonight's view.

~*~*~

It went exactly how you expected it; you succeeded.

The clan's faith in you shattered.

The moment the Uchiha boy brought you back to the frantic Hyuuga district, your fate has been sealed. And so was your sister's.

Hinata was recently declared as the new Hyuuga heiress (it simply wasn't appropriate for the ex-heiress to owe her life to another clan, especially to the Uchiha).

While you've already accepted any consequences that may fall on you, you didn't expect it to be so... delayed.

Yes, you've been demoted from your status as heiress, but that's it. The clan may have looked down upon you from then on (except for a few branch members you were acquainted with, and of course, your imouto), and they've started whispering about you, but nothing too consequential to actually affect you.

That is until you (barely) graduated from the Academy at twelve years old.

"The Uchiha, along with your betrothed, will arrive later this afternoon," Your father started, as he poured your tea (to not have a branch member do it meant private business). "If you continue to fail expectations, the engagement will continue on as planned. Do you understand?"

"You're... marrying me off as punishment?" You asked, your tone unsure. But it was only your tone that sounded unsure. You knew what this situation implies, and you will welcome it whole-heartedly.

"Not as a punishment, but as an alternative benefit. If you can't serve the clan as expected of you, you will serve it in a different way," Father explained, and as usual, you feigned cluelessness again (sometimes, you wonder if he could see through your act. The eyes are the windows of the soul, and yours is a one-way glass; it would only be a matter of time when you will slip and expose the other side and its actual contents).

"... To be a housewife?"

"To unite two clans together."

...

All contracts were signed with the exception of the marriage certificate, and all conditions of the engagement were discussed between the elders of both the Uchiha and Hyuuga clans.

It was simple really; both clans have the support of each other.

As for the future bearings of this engagement: if the children you bore were to inherit the Byakugan, they will be placed within the branch house and inherit the Cursed Seal. If they were to have dark eyes otherwise, they will stay with you and your husband at the Uchiha compound. At the happenstance that one would inherit both dojutsus, both clans will have the chance to raise them, and in turn, all accomplishments of that child would be credited to both clans.

Although, for now, the objective given to you was to be trained to be a proper housewife-- cleaning, cooking, raising children (you're already familiar with all of those, as you were Hinata's main caretaker; you cleaned after her, cooked for her, and raised her).

You have the time until you're eighteen to reclaim your heiress status, and if you fail, your marriage would continue and you'll be branded with the Cursed Seal.

You're alright with your love life being arranged for you; it's not like you actively seek for it. Your imouto was enough for your future, and that's all you've ever planned. However, of all people, you didn't expect your betrothed to be your 'savior'. The Uchiha heir; Itachi Uchiha.

To be fair, you never exchanged names; you just kept referring to him as the 'Uchiha boy'.

Who would've thought, really? You didn't expect for the one person, whose accomplishments ruled the clan's expectations on you, to be your betrothed. He who you've been constantly compared to once upon a time until your sister was born.

Now that you think about it, you found it ironic that the first thing you said to him was: Maah, letting the lady do all the work, herself. What kind of a boyfriend would that make you in the future?

And now, here you are, with him being technically your boyfriend. Actually, no, your fiance (wow, it's weird to label him that when you two haven't been on one date yet).

...

"I never properly introduced myself; my name is Uchiha Itachi," Your fiance introduced, as he sat directly in front of you-- your prepared picnic food being the only barrier between the two of you.

The Uchiha private training ground was empty for today's afternoon, as the clan is aware of your supposed 'first date'. You and Itachi are its only occupants for today. No, neither of you arranged this; this was particularly both your parents' idea. If it were up to you, you'd both be either at a takoyaki or a dango stand.

It was awkward for the first thirty minutes since the start of the picnic until Itachi spoke, but even still, the tense atmosphere did not lift.

"Hyu--" You started, before immediately pausing. You contemplated for a short while, before continuing with a determined look. "Uchiha (Y/n),"

Itachi's eyes visibly widened at your boldness.

"Might as well get used to it and get to know each other because no way in hell would my sister get that Cursed Seal," You added seriously, and he only looked away in discomfort-- whether it's because you're going through with the marriage, or you mentioned your situation behind your clan walls; you don't know. Nevertheless, he remained quiet.

At his silence, you sighed and continued the explanation you prepared prior to this day.

"Look, I don't really wanna get married, and I doubt you want to either, but I'm asking you a favor to tolerate everything about this mess. Frankly, it's all my fault, but I'm not and will not be apologizing. However, this was supposed to be my burden alone for the sake of my sister, but now..." You trailed off, forgetting how to carry on your reason to convince him to be at least cooperative in this situation. "The only thing I'll be sorry for is lacking foresight to see that I may unintentionally involve other people in my problems through my actions,"

This time, it was your turn to be silent. The silence lasted for a whole minute, until he finally spoke.

"We are Konoha shinobi. We share each other's burden."

Although indirect, you still got it. You got his compliance, and the look of gratitude and relief you were giving him was palpable through your chakra. And like that, the heavy atmosphere dissipated and was replaced with the same ambience of when Itachi first met you.

Your energy rejuvenated, you exclaimed:

"Ah, I got it! I'll just have to make you fall for me; that way, you won't just have to tolerate me and actually enjoy our marriage!"

Itachi wondered what he got himself into.

...

The next day after your team assignments, you further sabotaged yourself by failing the jounin-prepared genin test (you didn't get along with your teammates anyway, but you apologized to them nevertheless).

You joined the Genin Corps with a light heart, knowing well that Itachi was fine with his future with you.

~*~*~

I promise there will be a part two for this. all my one shots will have at least ONE REAL kiss.

anyway, the update may come next week or next, next week. i just gotta finish my midterms first but for now enjoy my dumbassery

~*~*~

(Y/n): Careful of my emotional baggage; it's designer.

~*~*~

Ashido: Wanna hear a funny joke?

Tokoyami: Oh, I'm more into dark humor.

Ashido: Oh.

Ashido (switches the lights off): So the joke goes--

~*~*~

Shinsou, Kaminari and Tokoyami: *Making a youtube video titled: "How to summon a demon with less than 11 dollars because you're broke"*

(It was Kakashi. Kakashi was the demon and they used 10 dollars to lure him. They let him know that it was Kaminari's money just to be sure.)

~*~*~

Hawks: Who hurt you?

(Y/n): My own expectations.

~*~*~

Shisui: I love you a lottle.

Shisui: It's like a little, but it's a lot.

~*~*~

Itachi (not knowing social terms): What is... friends with benefits?

(Y/n): ... A very special type of friends.

Itachi (innocent): Oh, like us?

(Y/n): *chokes*

~*~*~

Naruto: Not to brag, but I'm fast at math.

Sakura: Okay, what's 34 x 67?

Naruto: 16!

Sakura: That's not even close.

Naruto: Yeah, but I was fast!

Sasuke: And so is your stupid.

~*~*~

Kakashi: I'm not doing too well. I have this headache that comes and goes.

Naruto: *enters the room*

Kakashi: Oh look, there it is again.

~*~*~

Ashido to Shinsou: Can we stay at your place for a while?

Shinsou: Why?

Ashido: Our apartment is littered with salt. Kaminari thinks it's haunted by ghosts.

Shinsou: What--

(Y/n): Kaminari is being pranked by Kakashi, and since he thinks there's ghosts, he threw salt all over the apartment and kept yelling "does this look like a hotel to you?!".

Shinsou:

(Y/n): Let us stay; I want to meditate in peace.

~*~*~

Kakashi: Maybe for once, someone will call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene".

~*~*~

Kaminari: Here you go, a nice hot cup of tea.

Ashido: It's cold.

Kaminari: A nice cup of tea.

Shinsou: It tastes horrible.

Kaminari: Cup of tea.

Kakashi: I'm not even sure if this is tea.

Kaminari: ... Cup.

(Y/n): Kaminari, you gave us bowls.

~*~*~

Kakashi: Since it's impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I decided to have an on-going crisis.

~*~*~

Aizawa: I hope you have an explanation for this.

(Y/n): Actually, we have three.

Kakashi: Pick your favorite.

~*~*~

Shinsou: You're pretty dumb.

Naruto: Thanks.

Shinsou: Why are you thanking me? I just insulted you.

Naruto: All I heard was "you're pretty". I'm focusing on the positives in life.

~*~*~

Kakashi: Since when is babysitting Team 7 my--

Kakashi:

Kakashi: Wait, that's exactly my job.

~*~*~

(Y/n): Why would someone hurt Kakashi?

Sasuke: Maybe because they met him?

~*~*~

Shisui: I almost drowned and my last words would have been "wanna hear my pigeon impression?".

~*~*~

Kaminari: Sorry, I lost my cool for a second.

Kakashi: You can't lose something you never had.

Kaminari:

~*~*~

Kakashi: Sorry I'm late.

Aizawa: What happened?

Kakashi: Nothing, I just didn't really want to come.

~*~*~

Aizawa: I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life.

(Y/n): I wake up at 5:00am.

Aizawa: Nevermind.

~*~*~

Shisui: You look like an angel but with no wings.

(Y/n) (looks at the sides awkwardly, confused): So, like, a person..?

~*~*~

Kakashi: You know you've made it when you see your picture up everywhere you go.

(Y/n): Kakashi, those are wanted posters.

~*~*~

Naruto: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy.

Naruto: Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

~*~*~

Kakashi (accidentally sets the kitchen on fire): Shit, we need an adult.

Naruto: You are an adult!

Kakashi: Oh shit--

Naruto: We need an adultier adult! Go get nee-chan!

~*~*~

Kakashi: I am the most responsible person in the group.

Sakura: But you just set the kitchen on fire.

Kakashi: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that.

~*~*~

Naruto: Am I in trouble?

(Y/n): Take a guess.

Naruto: No?

(Y/n): Take another guess.

~*~*~

Sasuke: How come whenever I have fun, it's wrong?

Kakashi: People get maimed whenever you have fun.

~*~*~

Hawks: Benefits of dating me: You will be dating me.

Hawks: I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

~*~*~

Naruto: I'm just saying, I'm gonna get you next time.

Sasuke: I'm just saying, I beat you twice.

Naruto: The first time was a tie!

Sasuke: And the second time?

Naruto: ...There were no witnesses the second time so it doesn't count.

~*~*~

Ashido: You'll never get a boyfriend if you keep being sarcastic.

(Y/n): Alright. No boyfriend.

~*~*~

[Literally (Y/n)'s arranged engagement]

(Y/n): Wanna help me with my wedding?

Kakashi (surprised that she's getting married): Uh sure, what do you want me to do?

(Y/n): Be my spouse.

~*~*~

Kakashi: How do you feel about stealing?

(Y/n): It's wrong, and it shows bad character and horrible integrity. People who steal are jealous and heartless.

Kakashi: What about stealing from criminal organizations?

(Y/n): That is another story. What do you have in mind?

~*~*~

Therapist: I see sadness in your eyes.

Sasuke: That's just my sharingan.

~*~*~

Hawks: I think I remember you telling me that your childhood was satisfactory?

(Y/n): No, I said my childhood was a sadness factory.

~*~*~

Naruto: Funny how siblings excel at different things. For instance, I'm the funny one, Sasuke is the talented one, and Sakura is the successful one.

~*~*~

(Y/n) (looking for sympathy): Ugh, I'm such a burden.

Kakashi (trying to be romantic): You're MY burden.

~*~*~

Naruto: You said my food was amazing!

Sasuke: I said it was amazing that you could make food.

~*~*~

Fortuneteller (reading (Y/n)'s palm): It just says yikes.

~*~*~

Sasuke: My neutral expression makes me look like I'm always in a bad mood which is convenient because it's usually true.

~*~*~

(Y/n): Hunger and sex are different sorts of motivations. Hunger responds to need. If we don't eat, we die. Sex is not in this sense a need. If we do not have sex, we may feel like dying, but we are not.

Kakashi: How do you know nobody ever died from lack of sex?

Kaminari: Because you're still alive.

Kakashi: You're really not letting that go, are you?

Kaminari: No.

~*~*~

Stranger: I miss sleeping next to someone.

Naruto: Fuckin idiot doesn't even know the shadow clone jutsu, hah!

~*~*~

Kaminari: Fuck it. I'll just date my damn self.

Kakashi: You can do better.

~*~*~

Sakura: Does anyone else's brain feel good when it releases a bunch of endorphins?

Sasuke: Can't relate.

Naruto: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?

~*~*~

Kakashi: Look, you gotta treat a weapon like you treat a woman.

(Y/n): Go on...

Kakashi:

Team 7:

Kakashi: No... I sense I have made a mistake of some kind.

~*~*~

Sakura: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Naruto: They do.

Sasuke: ... Why do you say that with such certainty?

(Y/n): Because he mistook a small bucket of paint as melted ice cream and ate it... He made that mistake four times so far.

Kakashi: I'm impressed that he's somehow still alive.

~*~*~

(Y/n): Try not to kill anyone on accident.

Sasuke: I'm not an idiot. I know how to kill people on purpose.

~*~*~

(Y/n): Started seeing someone.

Sasuke: As in dating...? Or hallucinations?

~*~*~

Kakashi: I feel like one day, our pack is just going to secretly plan our wedding without our say and they're just gonna send us an invitation when they have it all set up.

(Y/n): We aren't even engaged anymore...

Kakashi: Do you think that's going to stop them?

~*~*~

Aizawa: I never considered you a rival.

Kakashi: I never considered you at all.

Aizawa:

~*~*~

Kaminari: Anyone ever tell you that you're an insufferable bastard?

Kakashi (looking smug and pleased): Yeah.

~*~*~

(Y/n): So... do you have a crush on anyone?

Kakashi: The only crush I have is the crushing weight of my guilt.

(Y/n):

Kakashi: ... And you.

~*~*~

(Y/n): Just once in my life I want to get up in the morning without going through the full seven stages of grief.

Sakura: What are the extra two?

(Y/n): Denial the Sequel and Astral Projection.

~*~*~

Sasuke: Name one mean thing I've ever done.

Naruto: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.

Sasuke: They're not.

Naruto: Haha, very funny.

Sakura: It's true. Didn't you hear?

Naruto: Wait what? What happened?

Sakura: Why would you fall for this again?

Naruto:

~*~*~

Shisui: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Shisui: But if you say (Y/n) isn't beautiful, I will be forced to correct your vision.

~*~*~

Kaminari: I'm a proud owner of 5 IQ and a half!

Naruto: Not for long!

Kaminari: Please... It's all I have...

~*~*~

Sakura: You're jealous.

Kakashi: Jealous?

Sakura: That's why you were being so negative about this.

Kakashi: That's absurd. I'm always negative.

~*~*~

(Y/n): Inspiration is very important. What are you all able to inspire in other people?

Sakura: Motivation!

Naruto: Stress!

Sasuke: Fear.

Kakashi: Depression.

(Y/n): This did not go how I wanted it to.

~*~*~

Naruto: Guess what I'm about to get?!

Sasuke: On my nerves.

~*~*~

Kaminari: Everyday Kakashi reminds me that "extra virgin" is not exclusive only to olive oil.

~*~*~

Naruto: What is toothpaste, if not bone soap?

Sasuke: Existence is a prison and being your brother in any but blood is maximum security.

~*~*~

*Hawks and Eraserhead apprehending Team 7*

Aizawa: Police! Get on the ground!

Naruto: You get on the ground!

Hawks: We asked you first!

~*~*~

*Aizawa putting Kakashi in handcuffs*

Kakashi: Okay, my safe word is pineapple juice.

Aizawa (wondering what the hell he's talking about):

~*~*~

Hawks: I think I'm falling for you.

(Y/n): Then fly.

~*~*~

Naruto: We're not out of control 'ttebayo!

Sakura: We're law-abiding citizens!

Hawks: Oh really? Name one law.

Sasuke: Don't kill people.

Naruto: Yeah! Believe it!

(Y/n): *facepalms*

Kakashi: That's on me; I set the bar too low.