Well. Back from the abyss again. I dunno. I have zero excuses. I moved? I could feel my depression and anxiety hitting me all at once? Being busy with life?

TW: mentions of sensitive topics in the second half. I know this whole story is full of them, but I'm giving a reminder.

...

Junmyeon sat opposite Tao once again, feeling the familiar weight of guilt in the pit of his stomach. Tao said nothing, staring at the table top with enough force Junmyeon was shocked ot didn't shatter. A tiny ball leaked between his fingers, which would occasionally loosen and allow the object to regain its original shape. Junmyeon watched silently, feeling reality warp around him.

"How are you?" Junmyeon finally asked, snapping out of it long enough to gain some composure back. Tao glanced up briefly, and Junmyeon hissed out a breath at his sunken and lifeless appearance. He beat himself up over that every day. How dare he ruin his already fragile friend? Zitao shifted in his seat, his sleeves rising slightly in the process, and once again Junmyeon was confronted with the man's demons.

"I've been better," Tao finally admitted, voice like sandpaper. "Yixing and Yifan visit me often, so there's that. I don't know. I still feel really alone even though I'm surrounded by people." Junmyeon never heard a more accurate description of how he felt inside. Here he was in a place teeming with life, with people around every corner. With people who made an attempt to visit him. Yet he never felt more isolated from them. Even Jongin and Jongdae he felt a certain disconnect with. He felt the most connected with them, sure, but it still felt like sometimes he was observing from outside himself. Watching a shell of a man move about like a puppet on strings, doing exactly what was directed of him without change.

"I'm..." Junmyeon momentarily trailed off as Zitao gazed up at him. "I'm sorry. I've never apologized for how I acted to you. It was stupid on my part." Zitao inclined his head, seeming to accept the apology without outright stating it. "Yifan loves you. So much Taozi. It's written on him every time he comes in here."

"You think?" Tao mused, adopting a far away and slightly glossy look. "I've always wondered what it looks like to an outsider. Obviously I've seen him every day for quite awhile." Obviously Junmyeon knew the story. Everyone in their school, and a few in the surrounding ones, knew the story of how those two got together. Zitao was a feisty thing, never easily tamed. He'd already spent a few years as an exchange student at their school before Yifan was even in the picture. Once Yifan did arrive, however, Tao made it his personal mission to annoy the other exchange student as much as possible.

If Junmyeon were honest, he never would have expected the two of them to ever end up together. Yifan seemed tense and gruff, while Tao was an excitable ball of energy. Zitao also had a special skill of picking at every single of of Yifan's buttons without actually setting him off. At first Yifan seemed angry at the other man. Then it turned into mild annoyance. Then, somewhere along the way, the annoyance melted into fondness. By the end of the year they were attached at the hip. By the summer they were dating. And by the time they all graduated, they were so in love it was obvious from a country over. Yifan's tough demeanor evaporated little by little. And in turn Zitao grew comfortable and willing. He still had his wild streak, but now he had Yifan behind him, encouraging him or pulling him from danger. Yifan treasured Zitao like he was the most precious thing on the planet.

Even Junmyeon, with his fucked up perspective on love, could see it. Yifan and Zitao were soul mates if he ever saw them, so wrapped up and devoted to each other it was sickly sweet. But he wouldn't wish it away, for either man's sake.

"Yifan loves you like no one else ever has." Junmyeon finally settled on that, pleased when a tiny smile graced his somewhat friend's features. The lapsed into silence after that, only broken by the occasional mumble of the only other person in the room. Junmyeon studied the table top and the checker piece in his hand. Tao stared fixedly at a point on the wall behind his companion, zoning in and out of reality.

"Junmyeon?" Both males were pulled from their trances as someone called into their calm. Junmyeon's nurse. "Come on honey. It's time for therapy." Said male felt his chest tightening even as he automatically rose from his seat, shoving the chair back under the table.

"Coming," he mumbled, shuffling along behind her as she led the way down several white halls that looked like carbon copies of each other. Passed open yet empty rooms. Led him in front of closed doors and sounds from inside. They finally appeared at the entrance of Dr. Lee's office. Junmyeon peered apprehensive inside. Everything neat and orderly as always. Dr. Lee sat at her desk, clacking away at a keyboard like she hadn't even heard them approach. Glasses perched on the end of her nose.

"Dr. Lee?" Finally she directed her attention their way, flashing a bright smile as Junmyeon filed inside. She removed her glasses and set them carefully on the desk in front of her. Junmyeon sank into the plush chair across. He folded his hands on his lap, awaiting the next step. His nurse shut the door behind him with the promise of returning for him in an hour's time. Junmyeon bid her a goodbye before Dr. Lee took up his entire focus. She rested her elbows on her desk, pillowing her chin in her palms.

"How has the week been Junmyeon?" She opened with a simple enough question. The weeks at Jung Ahn's very rarely deviated from one another. It was safe to assume that his week went much like any other week. Junmyeo, however, took a few minutes to digest the question before actually answering.

"I met Yixing," he blurted out at last. "Yifan's cousin. He talked about him a lot during our school days. He introduced himself to me the other day. Why would he even want to talk to me?" It was a question that burned the back of his mind on constant loop, but he'd never asked the question out loud. She pursed her lips, jotting something down on the notebook she'd opened at the start of the session. "I'm not... I'm not that interesting," Junmyeon forged on. "I'm nobody."

"Oh Junmyeon." She sighed, setting her pen down. "I can't force you to change your mind. But, there are people out there who care about you. Try not to forget that, okay?" Junmyeon mumbled his response, and the rest of his hour was spent making small talk that didn't amount to anything in the long run.

...

"Yifan, I'm home!" Yixing called into the quiet home, dropping his bag by the door and loosening his bowtie. He only knew Yifan was home from the car parked outside the garage. But no sound greeted him in return. "Yifan?" He tried again, this time positioning himself at the bottom of the staircase. "Yifan, hey, you okay?" He mounted the stairs, panic rising as no one replied to him. "Yifan? Come on man. Talk to me. Where are you?" He checked Yifan's office space, but it remained dark and deserted. Bile climbed his throat as he practically sprinted down the hall to the master bedroom.

Please be alright, he prayed to himself as the door swung open. Don't take him from Tao. From me. Please.

"Yifan?" He stuck his head into the room, fearing and expecting the worst. But Yifan sat in a chair by the bed, his head on his hands, very much still alive. "Yifan, hey," Yixing said, stepping across the threshold and closing the door behind him. "What's going on?"

"Sit down," Yifan directed, jerking a thumb at the bed. Yixing complied, crossing his legs at the ankles as Yifan sat erect, clearing his throat. Fresh tear tracks stained his cheeks, and his eyes appeared bloodshot, even in the relative darkness of twilight. Wordlessly Yifan held up a piece of paper, and momentarily Yixing was confused. "I found this in his drawer, buried under some pairs of pants." Yixing carefully took it from between his cousin's fingers.

My dearest Yifan.

If this succeeds, and you find this, you must be asking yourself a lot of questions. And beating yourself up. You were always really good at that. It was something I could never break you of, no matter how hard I tried to do it. Don't beat yourself up over this one, though okay? It's not your fault. Not at all.

I've been unhappy for as long as I can remember. Way before you came around. Even before I transferred to Korea as an exchange student. Mom amd dad always said I was just faking it. Didn't believe me when I said I thought I needed pills because I couldn't seem to bring myself out of this funk. I don't even fully know what started it. Just suddenly one day it was like someone flipped my happy switch off. What should have been a slow, easy walk up the hill now felt like climbing the steepest mountain, and no matter how hard I struggled to climb, the end would move farther and farther away.

My one bright spark has been you my love. While the climb never disappeared, you made it manageable. Gave me a rope and some tools so I wouldn't plummet. You always said I saved you from yourself, and I always accepted it in silence. But in reality YOU are the one who did the saving. At least for a little while. The end seems so, so far now. And I'm losing strength to try to fight for it. I'm so sorry Yifan. I know this will hurt you. It hurts me to think I have to leave you. But I refuse to drag you with me. Please, take care.

I love you Yifan. Always.

"Jesus," Yixing swore, sinking back into the mattress until he was parallel to it, staring at the note above his head. "I..." In truth Yixing had absolutely nothing to say to this. What could he even say? Zitao hid some pretty terrible demons, that much was obvious. So terrible he felt the only escape was... "I'm sorry." Yifan groaned and plunked his head into his hands. "It fixes nothing I know," Yixong continued. "But... I just..."

"I'm so dumb!" Suddenly Yifan sprang from his seat and paced the room, anger visibly shaking his tall form. "I should have seen it Yixing. I should have known something was wrong. I claim to know him inside and out and I don't! My baby was struggling and I didn't help him!" Yifan's fist once again connected with something, though this time the something was the wall next to the door. Hard enough to leave a dent in it. Yixing winced at the force, but it was like Yifan didn't even feel it. "I'm sorry Tao!" Yifan sank to his haunches, practically folding himself in half as the weight of guilt seemed to become a physical being. "I'm sorry I didn't help you. I'm sorry I didn't see you needed me. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so so so sorry."

"Yifan." Yixing crouched in front of him, debating the best course of action. He knew Yifan was fragile after the couple of attempts, but nothing like this. Nothing like the broken man in front of him, curled into a ball begging to the heavens. "Yifan, you didn't do anything wrong." Yixing pried Yifan's hands off his knees and clasped them in his own. "This isn't your fault okay? Tao even told you that it isn't your fault. He loves you Yifan. Even now. You are his favorite thing. His happy place. Please. Don't destroy yourself while he's away."

"I..." Yifan pitched forward, and Yixing's quick reflexes kicked in. He caught his cousin before he hit the floor. Yifam groaned again, eyelids fluttering open and shut. Yixing hoisted him up, concerned when he did so easily. Yifan was not tiny by any stretch of the imagination. Moving him should have proven to be a bit of a struggle. But he easily lifted him to his feet and maneuvered him onto the bed. He removed the taller man's shoes and socks, throwing them across the room. He'd worry about tidying up later.

"Just rest, okay?" Yixing mumbled, assessing him. He didn't appear sick or injured at first glance. Just exhausted. "I'll go make some soup. Just...sleep. Please. You haven't slept a wink since he was admitted." Yixing turned, striding across the master bedroom in a few steps. He paused at the door, turning back to study his cousin. He'd curled up on top of the covers, one knee practically to his chest as he lay on his side. Yixing released a breath. For every step forward, it felt like they took five back. When did this all end.

...

Big old oof. Hey guys.