I'm feeling in some sort of mood, so you know what that means? Angst! Hello everybody. Uh. Long time no see? Most of you probably know I've been throwing love at Royal Temptations' bonus chapters.

...

"Alright Junmyeon." Said male jumped as his name was said. He'd felt skittish and off all morning. Then again, was it any different from any other day? Not really. Jongin. Though it wasn't AA day (those were Thursdays and it was only Tuesday), he'd been summoned here regardless.

A talk, they assured him when he questioned it. You're more at ease with Jongin.

And Junmyeon couldn't dispute that, because on some fundamental level, it was true. He felt kindred spirits when he came to AA. Maybe his life didn't play out exactly like theirs, but they all understood how it felt to be consumed by something beyond your control. They understood addiction, and reliance, and in some cases resistance. They understood, better than anyone else, the torment Junmyeon put himself through to get to this point. Amd there was something in particular about Jongin amd Jongdae. Junmyeon felt the most comfortable with them.

"Hello Jongin," Junmyeon finally greeted, wincing at his sand papery voice. He rarely talked outside of these meetings anymore. Why waste the breath when no one was listening anyway? "Why am I here?" He finally asked the question that bugged him the most. Jongin swung a chair around so they were face to face. He placed his elbows on his knees, assessing the man before him.

"Because I want to know what makes you tick," he replied, rather bluntly as always. "Because there's more to you than alcohol." It now felt like someone had taken a searing hot knife and stabbed it between Junmyeon's ribcage. And twisted it for good measure. "Because I remember you from school, albeit we never ran the same kinds of crowds. What happened? Eunha, right?" Just hearing the name made him shudder.

"Like I said," Junmyeon responded tersly, his teeth gritted. "She grew out of me. I'm convinced she never loved me to begin with and I was just a blind fool. But I so badly crave some kind of love in my life that I suppose I chose to ignore some signs in the hopes that everything would work out." Jongin's gaze burned Junmyeon's skin with its intensity, but he forged on regardless. He picked at a nonexistent thread on his knee as he talked. He had to keep his hands busy or he lost his composure. "We fought so many days I'm shocked it didn't happen sooner. I never once wanted to take any aggression out on her, so I turned to the bar to get my fix and work myself out.

The more I was there, the less I wanted to leave and return back to a house so full of venom I felt the poison down the block. I loved her Jongin. But she didn't love me back." Jongin sat there in silence, soaking it all in. Finally he shifted positions so he was sitting straighter. He gently grabbed ahold of Junmyeon's shoulders and stared him dead in the eye.

"I can't tell you a lot about love Junmyeon," Jongin started. "I've never been. But I can tell you this flat out. A love where you give and give and give and never get anything back... it's not love." Junmyeon blinked, Jongin's words bouncing around his skull like an out of control rubber ball. "I also can't pretend to know you, because I don't. But I can tell you that you are worth FAR MORE than anything she made you feel. That's not what love feels like Jun."

"What does it feel like?" Junmyeon's voice barely came out a whisper. But Jo gin rocked back like he'd been shouted at, his eyes wide and mouth agape. But Junmyeon's earnest eyes stared nack at him. "Please Jongin. Tell me. No one in my life has ever made me feel loved. Not my parents. Not my ex wife. What is it?"

"It's different for everyone, so I can't exactly say how it feels," Jongin explained. "But, from personal experience, mine has been family love. It's those times we snuggled up together on the couch to watch a movie. It was missing my sister when she left for college because her room was empty whenever I walked by it. It was holding my nephew for the first time after I'd sobered up. It's not something easily explained, because it's more of how you feel in those quiet, calm moments when the world slows down and the only thing that really matters is whatever is going on right in front of you."

"Oh," Junmyeon said, frowning lightly. That answer left him feeling unsatisfied. Then; "I kind of envy Chanyeol and Baekhyun. It was obvious in school they were made for each other. Chanyeol treats Baekhyun so nice. He always had. I...I want that. I want something like that. I want a Chanyeol to my Baekhyun."

"Those two really are something special," Jongin agreed. "They're also really lucky. Rarely do you find your soul mate in school." He gave Junmyeon's shoulders a squeeze. "So don't give up on yourself, okay? I know it gets so easy to feel isolated and lonely, but I promise you Junmyeon, there is someone out there who will give you all the love you could ever imagine. And it's going to feel so wonderful when it happens. But you can't quit. Not before the best thing that's ever happened to you." Junmyeon's heart gave a couple thuds. Something he didn't know it was capable of. "And stop giving your nurses a hard time," Jongin half joked. "They're here to help you after all. They can't do that if you won't let them."

"It's hard to let people in," Junmyeon explained. But he was willing to try. It wasn't like he didn't want to get better, because he did. He wanted to claw his way out of this hole he'd dug himself and come out standing on the other side. He wanted to be someone for himself instead of someone his ex wife wanted him to be. He wanted to look Chanyeol and Baekhyun in the eye and tell them he'd made it.

But mostly he just wanted to find that person he could shower with love, and finally get some back, instead of it being sucked out of him.

...

Yixing once again touched the bandage wrapped around his nose. Broken. Accidently broken, but broken all the same. As soon as it happened Yifan turned into a sobbing mess, exclaiming over and over again how sorry he was. How he wasn't thinking. They drove to a nearby hospital. Yixing's nose would probably never look the same again.

And if Yixing was being perfectly honest, he was mighty pissed.

Of course he brushed it off at the time. Yifan felt bad enough, and Yixing still had to be the pillar for them. But damn it all he really just wanted to break something himself. Not on his body. Not on Yifan either. But maybe putting his fist through a wall would help him. Instead he chose to go on long walks when Yifan was home and wrote to his heart's content when he wasn't. He cooked for them both and kept the house clean. Everything looked so normal from the outside peering in.

"Hello mother," he mumbled into his phone. He'd yet to tell them about this latest development, so that meant simple phone calls instead of video calls.  "How's it going over there?"

"I've gone out into the woods and taken some new photos," his mother explained, and he settled against his pillows as he listened to her talk. "A caught a couple bettles, but mostly it's of our local wildflowers." Yixing closed his eyes, picturing the woods back home that surrounded his house. He heard the wind whistling through the treetops like it was happening just beside him. Heard the cheerful chirping of birds. Felt the sun on skin. How he missed those times when he was young and naive before the real world caught up with him. "Your father got a new grill. He's trying chicken on it later." There was a pause. "Enough of that. How's it going over there? How is Zitao doing?"

"Uh." Yixong stuttered to a halt. The truth was...he didn't know. He hadn't gone back in a week. And as soon as the thought bubbled to the surface he was engulfed in guilt. Even if he was pissed at Yifan, it was no reason to take it out on sweet, innocent Tao. "He wasn't doing so good last I heard," Yixing confessed, shifting positions slightly. "He's in a bad place mom. I don't understand. One day he's perfectly fine and the next he's just...not."

"Mental illnesses aren't a black and white concept," she explained. "And sometimes he's not going to be able to explain how he's feeling because even he may not know. It's different for everyone, just like anything else."

"But this has come out of nowhere," Yiximg countered. "Yifan called out of the blue begging for someone to come here and help him keep an eye on Tao because he was worried about him hurting himself again. Is it because he feels unloved? He shouldn't. Zitao means the world to Yifan. Actually, he means the universe to Yifan. I've never seen him so gentle and loving towards something in my life, but the way he treats Zitao... This boy is his life. I get why he's so scared to lose him. I just want to know why."

"I don't know," she admitted. "There are some things in life we just don't understand. We'll never understand." Yixinf hummed thoughtfully, sinking against the pillows again and gazing up at his borrowed ceiling. He closed his eyes. "Everything else going okay?" she finally asked.

"Yeah," Yixing lied, touching his nose and wincing again. "Peachy. I'd actually better get going. I have to start dinner soon. Yifan gets home from work in about an hour."

"Alright baby, take care," she said. "You'd better call me again, you hear?" Yixing nodded even though she couldn't see him. Force of habit probably. "Love you."

"Love you," Yixing echoed. "Bye mom." Once he hung up he laid there a little bit longer, staring up to the ceiling, the gears in his brain turning. He had to go back and see Zitao. Oh god hopefully he didn't think he was being abandoned. He'd seemed so fragile the last time Yixing saw him. He also had to keep an eye on Junmyeon while he was there. He didn't know much about the man, but what he did know... Yixing wasn't sure if he would even be alive in the other man's shoes.

He finally rolled out of bed and plodded down to the kitchen to start something for dinner. He rooted through the fridge, coming up with slender chicken breasts. He decided he would just sear them in a pan and throw them over some rice. He set the rice cooker on the countertop and plugged it it, but didn't start it yet. He took the time to separate and cut the chicken. Then he went through the fridge again and found enough ingredients to make salad. They'd been eating a lot of take out lately, so Yixing wanted to make something filling but healthier.

"Smells good." Yixing turned in time to catch Yifan closing the front door, setting his briefcase on the floor by the stairs and loosening his tie. He pursed his lips and turned back around. "Zitao asked about you yesterday," Yifan continued in a soft tone. A far cry from what Yixing remembered of him. "I know you're mad at me. You have every right to be mad at me. What I did is inexcusable. But please go see Taozi. He didn't do anything to you." Yixing didn't say anything, largely because he wouldn't know what to say anyway. Yifan sighed. "Chanyeol and I have been talking." Yifan filled the silence once again. It was like he needed to fill it. "We're working out a different schedule of sorts. One that would allow us both time to go see the people we care about at Jung Ahn's."

"They need to go see him," was all Yixing said. "That man is going to believe no one really cares about him if they don't." The silence now stretched so far and thin. "I'll go see Tao tomorrow," Yixing assured, finally turning to face Yifan. "I promise." They met gazes. Yifan's traveled down to the bandage, and he promptly glanced away. "Dinner is simple tonight. Want to join me? You need it."

"I will," Yifan agreed. "And thanks. I don't deserve to have you here, you know that." Yixing just shrugged. As with a lot of things this week, he really didn't know what to say to that. He served them dinner and sat opposite his cousin, studying him. Watched as he studied his phone and picked at his food once again. Observed the droop of his mouth and the bags under his eyes. Yifan needed help too. Yixing just hoped he realized it.

...

I have to be careful when I write these chapters because this story is full of very sensitive subjects and I want to try and portray everything just right without botching it.