"Two tickets for Booties and Cooties," I say to the box office cashier as I pull out my wallet. It's been a while since I've been to the cinema, but ever since you told me about this new movie (and after I wisely read through a couple of reviews on Rotten Tomatoes) I said to myself, Why not? It's supposedly a hilarious romcom, and it's been a while since I've had some rejuvenating laughter. 

"Where would you like to sit?" The girl—who at some point in her life decided that dying her hair acid-green was a great idea—gestures to a tiny screen behind the cash register, which lights up at the press of a button. In various colors, it shows me which seats in the auditorium are occupied and which aren't. Most of them are, except for a couple right in the middle. The perfect spot. I point to them, and after confirming, I pay for the tickets and start making my way to the concession stand. There's a huge line, but I walk right to where you're standing, a person a way from ordering. 

Yes, I'm a hypocritical bitch.

"I got 'em." I wave the tickets around and we high-five. 

"Whatcha getting?" you ask, your eyes scanning the overhanging menu. The smell of freshly popped popcorn invades my nostrils and I almost have a foodgasm. 

"I'm getting popcorn...and...iced tea," I mutter, enunciating each word as if I was just learning how to speak the language. I don't give a shit about your own choices because my full attention is on the concession stand worker—with a striped box, he reaches into the pit of scrumptious butter-popcorn and with one swift motion, scoops up a healthy portion and lifts it into the air. The whole thing gets me heated, and my mouth can't help but drool like a fountain. It's like watching foodporn.

The bald customer with the sweaty collar slaps a ten euro bill on the counter, collects his goods, and leaves. I'm practically hyperventilating right now from the excitement, and because my insides have turned to mush, I need to be dragged to the front.

"Hello, what would you like to order," the young man asks with a yellowed smile. There's a nasty-looking wart right above his lip—the growth stares at me and I stare back. Maybe it's herpes. 

"One large popcorn, a peach ice tea, a coke, and a packet of M&Ms." You order for the both of us, and I'm infinitely grateful for that. Maintaining eye-contact with a guy who has a visible STD is hard. Besides, I rather not destroy my appetite. The dirty bastard jabs the keys in the register with a nod, then turns around to complete our orders. As I watch him scoop up my popcorn, I force myself to not think about the fact that this guy probably doesn't even wash his hands after using the toilet. Good personal hygiene is a requirement for this job, right? I might look up the cinema's name online and find out for myself. I don't want to catch anything. 

You pay the astronomical price and we gather our preciouses—I don't even say good-bye to the dude as we make our way to the ticket taker. 

This movie better be good, because if I get sick after eating this popcorn, I'm going to sue this joint. 

-

Going to the cinema can make for an an amazing afternoon/night, or the worst experience of your week. It all really depends on how unlucky you are, really, and how many of these 10 annoying things  you encounter at the movies. So lock up your black cat, don't break a mirror, and for God's sake don't you dare open an umbrella indoors, or you're in for one heck of a shitty movie night. 

1. Adverts

Advertisements are everywhere. On billboards, on public toilet stalls, on TV, in magazines, online. You can run, but you can't hide from them unless you throw yourself into an active volcano. Even so, the last thing you'll see before the lava disintegrates your flailing body is the logo of your gym leggings: Nike. Capitalism has won. You, my friend, have not. Living in a consumerist society means buying more useless garbage =  economic growth, so of course they're going to force it down your throat at every occasion. Even before a movie at the cinema.

For crying out loud, why do the ads have to go on for so long? Let's say the movie is supposed to start at 4:30 PM. The ads last 15-20 minutes, so you never start the fucking movie until at least 4:50 PM or even 5 PM! That's completely ridiculous, not only because the things advertised are usually restaurants you'll never go to, or jewellry stores your fiancée will never get a ring from, but because by the end of them, I'm so on edge, I've already finished half of my popcorn. And the movie hasn't even started. The only ads I want to see are of other movies, because, other than that, I don't give a shit about your double fries and burger combo with a drink of your choice only for $9.99 at Harry's Steakhouse. 

2. Ping Ping Ping 

Cinema texters are vile despicable beings. They come in many shapes and sizes, but they all sit in the same position: hunched over and with their phone a couple of inches away from their faces. Buster, no matter how much you lower the brightness of your smartphone, it will still be the brightest fucking thing in the room, even brighter than you. It's distracting as hell, and it makes me wonder why you came to the cinema in the first place just to be on your phone. You could've just stayed at home and watched Netflix while you "run your hand up her thigh." 

Yes, if you're right next to me, I can see all the things you're texting to Stacy, and no, it's not sexy at all. It's actually making me choke on my own vomit and if you don't switch off that damn piece of plastic and metal soon, it's going to end up down your throat. Let's see if you have a good gag reflex, hmm?

3. Food prices

One popcorn and a drink, and you've already paid a bill higher than the movie ticket. What kind of sorcery is this? Why is concession stand food so goddamn expensive? Whenever I decide to go watch a movie, I have to plan that shit weeks in advance. I write down the prices of the tickets and food, then head on over to the egg donation center to make some quick cash. Only then do I feel confident enough to go to the movie theatre. 

"Just buy supermarket food and sneak it in."

Uhm, no, friend. I'm not going to do something as risky as that. What if I get caught? All that food will either end up in the bin or in unmentionable places. 

4. The love birds

Once I went to a Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters evening screening, and because I lived in good ol' Canberra, where the population is only around 400,000 (where is everyone, though? In the forests, amongst the wildlife?) the movie auditorium was practically empty. It was only me, my family, and a couple. We sat right in the middle of the place, but the couple, unsurprisingly, decided to sit all the way at the back, in the shadows. 

"Why?" your virgin mouth asks. Because it's the perfect place to sin without being shunned by the wider community. Seriously though, we were watching Percy Jackson, not 50 Shades of Barf, there was nothing arousing about a bunch of teenagers swinging their plastic weapons around in an imaginary battle shrouded by bad special effects. 

Unless you're talking about Logan Lerman. He's cute.

But if you're with your girlfriend/boyfriend/potted plant at a cinema, please control your hormones. Don't slip viagra in your partner's drink right before the movie starts. Think of the children.

5. Chatterbox

Shut the fuck up.

This isn't your weekly book-club meeting, Susan, where you can share your thoughts about every single scene. Your friends won't listen to what you have to say whilst nodding politely and draining their sixth glass of wine. This is a movie theater, where, in order for people to listen to the actually goddamn movie, everybody has to sit in silence. Maybe not in silence, but at least, not have a full-blown screaming-match with the person next to you.

6. It's my first time

I know it's your first time, but please refrain yourself from laughing/screaming/crying so much.

I won't believe for one second that you've never seen a movie before, but even if you haven't, not everything is the funniest, scariest, saddest thing ever. Really. The guy stubbing his toe in the coffee table really isn't that funny and neither is the psycopath then shooting him in the head. Not every single joke, explosion, death, whatever, needs your donkey braying and side-commentary. 

7. Babysitting

Who brings their three-year-old to movies? A toddler won't remember watching Booties and Cooties. To them, it will be just another night of pooping, screaming, and just being annoying in general. It's like, just because you weren't able to get rid of the kid for one night, everybody else has to deal with the problem as well. *raises eyebrows*

8. The late bird gets the dirt

I never understood why the ticket takers allow these people to get into the auditorium half an hour into the movie, because they people are disruptive af. They open the door to the place, shining the divine light on everyone, then ensure that they're as loud as possible as they make their way down the stairs and into the seat. 

Them: "Sorry. Excuse me. I'm late. Yeah, it's alright—I'm sorry. Oops. Sorry!"

Me: *sticks out leg in the walkway*

Them: *trips* *screams* *tumbles down the stairs and breaks neck* *popcorn and soda flies everywhere*

Me: "Hehehehe."

They tryna be Mariah Carey, they tryna be a diva. But this isn't the red carpet, this is a goddamn movie theater, so get on time, or I'll make your time run out. 

9. The breath of Death

There's always that one old guy that's on the brink of death. Maybe he is—maybe this will be the last movie he'll ever see before he rolls over and collapses into a heap on the floor. He coughs every three minutes. He sniffles. He wheezes. He gags on his mucus and needs a pat on the back to get it back out. You pull out your phone and save the ambulance's number on speed dial, just in case the guy really does croak. 

10. Creep

This one had to go in because of a personal experience.

I remember I went to a Macbeth screening with my mother, and the theater being pretty full. I was pretty excited for it, because this is the movie adaptation of my favorite Shakespeare play. We were chatting, having a good time, when all of a sudden, this 50+ old white dude sits next to me. Now, this guy looks creepy as hell—he has that typical creep look. 

Big, scruffy beard, unsettling smile, lanky body, thin glasses, can't exactly fit in the tiny seat because of his height...now I don't think much of it, because I really try not to be judgemental of a person's appearance. Then he decides to turn to me and start talking and his face is all up in mine and I was like,  "No hablo ingles! No hablo ingles!" and my mom looked over and forced herself to talk to the guy. Then, when the movie started she asked me, in Italian, "Is this guy making you uncomfortable? We can trade places." 

Hell yeah was he making me uncomfortable. I had to be squashed up to the other side of my seat.

Moral of the story? Don't go to a Macbeth screening. English teachers are kooky as hell. 

-

Update: I've eaten all the popcorn and I have yet to show signs of illness. We'll see in a couple of days how it goes. 

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This may actually be the last of the Uhm, Can You Not? series for now. But if y'all have any more ideas, hit me up. :D

Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!