"Why are you always holed up in your room?"— Mother

The answer is quite simple, really. 

I am a young, innocent flower bud which has only just begun to deposit its roots into the bedroom floor. I cannot leave, as I can only blossom in darkness, quench my thirst with the moisture in the air, and gain nourishment from weeks-old Cheetos maturing underneath my bed. It has taken years for me to adapt to this environment, to the radiation from my electronic devices, so mercilessly grabbing and tossing me out into the real world results in a catastrophe. Natural selection will come barrelling towards me—it knows that I am frail, that I cannot survive outside on my own for long, and that contact with the wrong things result in an agonisingly slow death.

Things like:

On the streets, they are many.

On the streets, I am one. 

But not unprepared. 

These are the people you should watch out for, along with how to defend yourself against an imminent attack (Note: these solutions are meant to be fictional. Please don't go out into the real world and do these things. It will not end well for you or your peers. You have been warned.)

1. Those who don't even acknowledge your presence as you hold the door for them.

(See? You haven't even left the building and you've already had your first encounter. Be strong, and against better judgement, do not go back up to your apartment.)

You hold the door for someone, but all of a sudden, five strangers materialise after and attempt to walk through the gateway as well. To them, you are invisible, nothing more than a door-stopper. No amount of glaring, incredulous scoffing, and eye-rolling will earn you so much of a glance from these people, but don't fret! After a lot of research, scientists have discovered a behavioural pattern that will help you spot these ones a mile away: the lack of eye-contact. They will look anywhere but at you, feigning disinterest, or even worse, cluelessness. 

Solution: As soon as they step across the doorway, release the door and watch, with a satisfied smile, as it socks them in the face. That will teach 'em.

2. Drivers that don't stop at a zebra crossing.

A zebra crossing is a type of pedestrian crossing composed of black and white stripes against the road, resembling the coat of a zebra. This gives the pedestrian the right of way. A vehicle, at the sight of a person/creature crossing on these magical white lines, should slow to the stop, and allow the person to make it to the other side. In one piece. It doesn't matter how fast you're going, or if you bought your license on eBay. Those are the rules, and they are not meant to be broken. 

However, these rules are rarely followed here, because nobody gives a fuck. Which results in the pedestrian having to wait twenty hours for there to be no car in sight before they can safely cross the road. 

Solution: Cross anyway. If they hit you, then you can sue their ass (or insurance company) and earn thousands. Whatever injury you may have can be forgotten once you're swimming in money.

3. People that cut the line.

*squeezes stressball* *stressball explodes*

These ones think they clever. That they smart. They not. They assholes.

You're standing in line, the counter is six people away, and your stomach is imitating a lion's mating call. It's moving slowly—the cashier is an amateur and keeps jamming the register—and you're ready to embrace starvation. Before you turn 100, you only have two people ahead of you; at this point, you can see the overhanging menu with much more clarity, and you start dribbling with anticipation at what you're going to be ordering.

Large fries, large vanilla shake, monster bacon-wrapped cheeseburger...

Your eyes drop back to the people in front of you, except that instead of two...there's five. You blink once. Twice. You're almost convinced that you're hallucinating, but once they start talking, you come to the realisation that they are real people. Turns out, the person now ordering at the register had been holding the spot for two other friends, who, coincidentally, after twenty minutes still had no fucking idea about what they want to eat. Kms.

Solution: Shove your way to the front of the line and demand to speak to the manager. Yell that it's outrageous that in the 21st century people still think it's acceptable to cut the line and that they deserve to go to the back and wait like everyone else. Watch as the manager calls the cops for being a public disturbance. Waste your life away in a solitary cell. (Results may vary)

4. People who play their music out loud.

My one question is: why? What are you achieving by doing this? Do you think you're cool/badass/sick? Because you aren't any of those three. No, Fred, not even if you're playing it out loud in your Ford. You are disrespectful and deserve to get catapulted onto a desert island along with your crappy taste in music. Noise pollution may not contribute to global warming, but it will contribute to me roundhouse kicking you in the face.

Solution: Tie them to a tree and force them to listen to Iggy's freestyling on repeat for the next 12 hours. 

5. People who water their plants during the day, resulting in an artificial rain of dirty water and crap.

One of the perks of living in a city is that your senses are ten times more alert than a country dweller's. You have to look out for several things at once (which makes you a multi-tasker). Not only do you have to keep your eyes on the ground for doog-poop, spit, garbage, and other unidentified liquids, but you also have to make sure that nothing rains on your head. Like pigeon-poop or dirty water from someone watering their plants. Countryfolk have it easy, if you ask me. All they have to be alert for is wild tractors.

Anyway, a plant-owner (no not a vegan) is meant to check for people underneath their balcony before watering their plants and it literally takes about 0.02 seconds. But no, they don't do that. Yet, they seem to be appalled at learning that in the 19th century, people used to empty their chamber-pots out the window. 

Solution: Throw rocks at their pots.

6. People who walk in front of the camera lens as you're taking a picture.

Caption this.

Solution: Immortalise these people in ugly pictures which will eventually turn into Internet memes.

7. People who occupy an entire sidewalk with their family.

Excellent. One of you wasn't enough, make sure you form an impenetrable wall of dumbasses, just so that the rest of the population has to either walk on the road, or on the wall like an ant. This is the basic version. The updated version is either a lady with a stroller, a guy on his phone, or a senior citizens with his caretaker. Make sure you keep clicking "Remind Me Later" for this one, because once you make the mistake, there's no going back.

Solution: Unless you can leap over buildings like The Hulk, then you're fucked.

Then again, the busy road is always an option.

8. Drivers who park onto the pavement.

You'd think that their designated parking spot would be enough for them. Well, you're wrong. It's never enough for a Smart car driver. They have to occupy the parking spot and a good portion of the sidewalk as well—raising both middle fingers in the air is less offensive than this. Why are car-owners so greedy? This is why aliens don't talk to us. 

Solution: Leave a polite note on their windshield that reads: "Fuck yourself."

9. People who toss garbage everywhere but in the trashcan.

Garbage on the streets is a serious problem, because it takes a whole day for the street-sweepers to clean up a block, and only a few hours for a bunch of insensitive jerks to make the place go back to being a dump. There's already an issue with the garbage collection service—they make an appearance once in a Blue Moon, and when they do, the dumpsters are all overflowing, with a ring of trash around it like a hula-hoop. So why contribute to the problem further by adding to the amount of garbage in areas far away from the dumpsters? Because of your messed up mentality. We didn't come this far as a species just to end up living in our own shit again.

Solution: Tase them.

10. People who window-gawk.

There is a humongous difference between window-shopping and window-gawking. Window-shopping is when you see something nice (and probably very expensive) in a shop window, stare at it longigly for a couple of minutes, then move on. Window-gawking is that, but for a more extended period of time. This person usually ends up having a conversation about that object with a friend, in front of the damn window. So someone who actually wants to have a look at the contents of the shop (with the intention to buy!) can't, because that dumbass is in the way. 

Solution: Repel them with those crisp euro-bills (or dollar bills).

-:-

That's all for tonight, amigos! The topic for next's episode of Uhm, Can You Not?  will be on School.

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Is there something that you're itching to complain about, but have the good sense not to do so on a public forum? I can do it for you! Feel free to PM me with the topic you want me to rant about, and I won't think twice before adding it here. I'll be waiting!