Big, Huge! And So Was He

"You know we always get in." James held his head high as we approached the line. Portland's very own Club Montague was renowned for its chill bouncers but still the nerves were there. 

"Yeah, but I normally have Courtney with me, she's the eye candy." I complained. We bypassed the bulk of the line and we, I mainly, dawdled next to James. He had a wide grin on his face.

"Oh no, I know that look. Who's the lucky girl tonight?" I asked. I playfully nudged him with my elbow.

"Can you see the brunette in the short-shorts?" He pointed at her with his eyes.

"Ugh, not the one in the cheetah print top." My face scrunched up as I look at the girl. Black short-shorts, stockings, cheetah print tank top. "Trashy much?" I said, partially under my breath.

"She's gonna be the lucky one who gets to see James and The Giant Peaches tonight." James said with a wink.

We got closer and I made flirty eye contact with the bouncer. I batted my eyelashes and flashed him an innocent smile. He nodded his head and let James and I in the club.

Holy toast that actually worked.

"I thought Courtney was the eye candy?" James's attempt at a joke was nothing compared to my disbelief. "Stop looking so stunned. You'll give us away. Besides, you got us in so I'm stoked. This is where my night of fun beings!" He cheered and faded into the crowd.

The club was not unlike any other. Loud music, dancing bodies showing various amounts of skin. And, oh look! A bar.

I plonked myself down on the stool and tried to get the bartender's attention. No use. He was trying to chat up two blondes on the opposite end of the bar. I looked at them and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Oi, Blondie! Hey, Kayla!" I shouted across the space. One of the blondes looked towards me and her eyes popped out of her head.

"Sally! O-M-G. I haven't seen you since...oh how long ago was it? Since my wedding!" She shouted. She made her way over to me, leaving her friend and winking at the bar tender.

"What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you meant to be with him?" I said.

"Oh, you know Darren. All work and no play. Besides, girls night out!" She points to the cluster of girls in short dresses huddled by the sofas.

"So, any boys right now?" She giggled like a tipsy school girl.

"There are many but it's James' night tonight. I'm just the wing-woman." I shrugged. I didn't mind, we had a system and it worked.

"Can I get two vodka shots!" Kayla shouted to the open.

Baby brother sure knows how to pick them. Young and definitely a light weight. If college taught me anything, it was never drink with Kayla and that she knows how to pick a lock or two.

Kayla and I talked until her friend dragged her away. I scanned the mingling crowd for a sign of James. Surprise, surprise. Grinding up with Cheetah Print. Courtney would always have some clever way to get them to 'seal the deal' as she'd put it. It clicked and I walked over to Cheetah print, swaying my hips and acting tipsy. I quickly winked at James and he smirked at me. I grabbed Cheetah Print's arm gently and turn her to face me.

"Like, oh my god. That guy you're dancing with is like so hot. My friend and I were wondering if like we could take him instead of you." I was slurring my words and bouncing to the beat. Cheetah Print looked offended and twisted on her heel to face James.

A not so subtle stumble into James' arms and he and Cheetah Print were making out. Tick tick boom. I'm not entirely sure how that worked but I was upholding my end of the bargain so it didn't bother me at all.

***

Designated driver has it's perks -I didn't have THAT much to drink- and I can pick whatever shit pop music I want. Meanwhile, James sits in the back seat feeling up girls. Tonights lucky girl was, drum roll please, Cheetah Print!

Driving back to the apartment was a piece of cake around 3am. Hardly any traffic. The heat was a pain though. It was Autumn and Summer hadn't left yet. I rolled down the windows and blasted 'Wasted' by Tëiesto.

Cheetah Print had paused her sloppy make out session to tap me on the shoulder.

"That's really loud!" She shouted in my ear. I could smell the cherry booze and it stunk up my car.

"What?" I countered over my shoulder. I turned it up louder and eyed my rear view mirror. I burst out laughing as James was struggling to undo her bra. He never could work the bra. Whenever I turn the music up loud, the girl leans forward and boom. James gets a good look at her butt. I feel bad for the girls sometimes but Cheetah Print was pissing me off.

The song changed to Nicki Minaj 'The Night Is Still Young'. Cheetah Print started to sing along. What was it with girls and Nicki? I preferred Selena Gomez. 'Good For You' was amazing. 

"Wait, aren't you the girl who-" Cheetah Print's slurred words were cut off by her gagging. Let me rephrase that. She was trying to hold down her alcohol. 

I slowed to a stop and pulled up along side our apartment. At this point I normally wait a few minutes, James gets his girl inside and a few minutes later it's safe to walk into my own home. We established that rule the hard way. I went in first and I innocently went to get a drink of water. Big mistake. Big, huge! So was he but that was none of my concern.

Cheetah Print stumbled out of the car and giggled her way inside. James sent back a '5 minutes' signal and I obliged. We normally alternate nights but it's his birthday in two days. And, as per the agreement, wingman or wing woman must serve for a week before the others date of birth.

The whole 'week' thing wasn't working out so well with our jobs. Lectures require preparation, not perspiration.

"It goes one by one even two by two." I sung along to Pon De Replay. 5 minutes would've passed, right? I took the risk and went in quietly. I couldn't imagine anything worse than trying to get it on while your roommate just causally watches TV in the other room. The thin walls don't help either.

I made it in the door and heard another door slam shut. A little baseball ref shouted in my head 'safe!' Phew. One less thing I had to worry about. It's the morning I dreaded now.

At this point I had two options. Option one: try and go to sleep while hearing James violently grunt. Or option two: cup of tea and watch Supernatural. I pretend to ponder on the options and came to the decision of option one.

Just kidding. I laugh to myself. Ha! Could you imagine?

I boil the jug and turn on my computer. Nothing better than my computer. Except for coffee but that's different. 'This is where my night of fun begins.' I think to myself.

The couch wasn't providing much comfort and I could hear my bed calling my name. Supernatural in my bed. Why not?

***

Ba-beep. Ba-beep. Ba-beep.

"Sally!" James grunts from his room. Those thin walls don't hide much unfortunately.

I blindly slap my hand around my bedside table. I found my phone and turned it off. No distractions in the morning.

Crap. James has a girl. Cheetah Print would be (like the others) passed out and drooling on James bed. I begrudgingly get out of bed and trudge my way into the kitchen.

"Coffee." I growled like a zombie. Coffee was a must if I was to deal with Cheetah Print. Hopefully, she'll wake up and continue on her morning ritual. Her morning ritual being the Walk Of Shame, of course. Just like all the others.

The floors squeak and James's door opens slightly. As James steps out, shutting the door behind him, he motions to the pantry. Of course. As per the agreement; He/she who was wing man/wing woman must serve the guest breakfast.

James came up with that one. It was more of a win for him though. He thought he could have a shower and by the time he got out, she'd be done and dusted. Out the door feeling full and not at all disappointed.

Lucky her. It's not everyday that I make my famous pancakes but it's was a Sunday and Sunday is pancake day.

"Boo." A voice whispers behind my ear.

I turn around with the spatula in my hand ready to attack James. I don't turn quickly enough and he's closed the space between us. I had little-to-no range of motion.

"Ugh! James, you're practically squashing me." I whine. I whack him a few times with the spatula before he swipes it from me.

His body still pressed against mine, he reaches past me and turns on the tap. I feel sprinkles of cold water on my face as he pulls away. I fake choking and begin to gasp for air.

"Drama queen." He mocks.

"Cocky bastard." I retort.

"What's going on?" A groggy voice followed by a disheveled Cheetah Print dawdles out to the kitchen.

"Um, James? That shower?" I nudge him with my elbow and he quickly regains his thoughts.

"Oh right. C'mon uh," he stumbles on Cheetah Print's name. I wasn't going to tell him. Hell, I didn't even know. He knows I give nicknames. "babe, this is Sally. You met her last night. She's gonna make you breakfast while I shower real quick." He practically ran out of the room and the conversation. Typical.

I give my best fake smile and she stopped sulking after James left the room. Cheetah Print looked around and sat on one of the kitchen stools overlooking the counter. So what? Now she's going to watch me cook? Great. I sighed in relief as she pulled out her phone.

Pre-made pancake mix is a life savour when I can't find the flour. James would get mad at me if I wrecked the pancakes on purpose. I was halfway though making the second one. Time for my classic joke.

"Gosh darn it!" I shouted. Trying to hide my laughter.

"What?" She asked as she peered I've the counter.

"Oh nothing, I just mixed up the sugar with the rat poison." I deadpanned. I couldn't believe I said that with a straight face.

I glanced over my shoulder and I could see Cheetah Print's thumbs tapping furiously on her phone. It must have been an 'I'm outta here' text because she took her shoes and ran. She even closed the door behind her. How thoughtful.

That's how it always goes. I mentally self fived myself and continued to make my pancakes. My phone buzzed next to me.

James: How's it going?

Ah crap. James hates when I scare them away. He feels that it's wrong. I couldn't care less myself. As long as they got out of here, I didn't care about  how or why.

I texted him back 'everything's fine and she's leaving now. You're safe'. I paused as a strange thought entered my mind. I text him again. 'Why do you have your phone in the shower? You use your computer for music...' After I hit send, I immediately regretted my decision. He texted back and I regretfully opened it.

James: She didn't do it right. You know what they say: if you can't get someone else to do it, you gotta do it yourself.

He was so wrong on the saying but I really didn't want to talk about it. My phone buzzed again but it wasn't James. To my surprise, it was Courtney.

Courtney: Hey girl, come have lunch, yeah?

Oh yay. Breakfast with James then lunch with the girls. My day was going to be fun.