"I am on a seafood diet. I see it, and I eat it."

-Anonymous

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I wish I did, though.

Warning: I have mangled the plot. Say goodbye to the plot everyone. It'll be killed off entirely in the Save Itachi and Pinch Kisame's Ass arc.

Praise be to the Goggle Gods.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

I was officially 1 for 3 out of movie royalties joining my harem.

Darn priestess rejected my offer as soon as we finished escorting her. I even used all my best flirting tactics—which made Naruto howl with laughter on multiple occasions, Neji try to keep a poker face but fail, and Lee to struggle not to snicker—but it was to no avail.

We finished our mission, completed the movie without a single friggin issue because we killed the bad guys right off the get-go, and my team had to watch me get rejected by the soft tsundere.

Unfair.

Oh, well. Hopefully she would still have a long and happy life, and maybe one day in the future she and Cutie Mc'Cute stuff would change their minds and join me in my awesome harem.

We returned to Konoha, and after dropping off our mission report, I headed home.

"Darlings, I'm home!" I sang out with gusto. Brightheart yipped and dashed over to greet me, wagging her patchy tail with glee. To my delighted surprise Kimimaro also came to greet me, "Oh, hello there, pumpkin pie."

"Welcome home," Kimimaro said shyly. "I've been reading a lot of your medical texts."

"Oh, yeah? Wanna be a doctor?"

"Yes."

'Whoa. Did not expect—actually, given his pacifist nature, becoming a doctor sounds perfect for him.'

With a splitting over my face, I raised my hands into two thumbs up. "Okay. Why don't you tag along with me to the hospital this weekend?"

He smiled.

Kimimaro smiled.

'Goggle Gods, thank you for this blessing,' I thought to myself, unable to resist leaping at the pretty boy and hugging him tightly.

"I'm going to treat you so well," I whispered to him.

He hugged me back.

Kimimaro hugged me back.

With the sweetest voice he said, "I know."

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Barely a week later, and I had invited my team over for lunch. Sai politely declined since he had to report to a certain little warmonger, but Naruto gleefully accepted.

Tenzou took the opportunity to give himself a break from me since there would be plenty of strong shinobi at home to watch over me. The poor dearie looked so happy about that, even ignoring the betrayed glare Kakashi shot at him.

Once Naruto showed up, I set to cooking, merrily chatting with him and Kakashi while I worked. A pleasant ten, or fifteen minutes went by before we were joined by another guest.

Hinata stepped into my home while I went about making lunch for my dear, dear companions. I could sense her chakra before I saw her—of lilacs and warm summer ponds—and when she entered the kitchen she did so with her head held high. "Sa-chan! I lead a mission by myself, and succeeded."

This immediately warranted stopping everything I was doing to rush over to her and body-tackle her. "OHMYGOSHI'MSOPROUD!"

"Good job, Hina-chan!" Naruto cheered, applauding. "Come eat lunch with us and tell us all about it."

A small blush dusted over Hinata's cheeks, and she beamed. She hugged me for another few seconds before sitting down beside Naruto, Kakashi, and Kimimaro. I did a little twirl before returning to making the best Goggle-darn lunch anyone ever ate, in ever.

Hinata brushed back her long hair behind her ear and said, "Kiba-kun, Shino-kun, and I were tasked with investigating one of Orochimaru's bases."

'Huh. That sounds an awful lot like—but nah.'

"Unfortunately, when we got there the base was destroyed," Hinata went on. "We stayed a few days to see if we could uncover anything else, but then we were ambushed by some of Orochimaru's men. One of them was a crystal user by the name of Guren, just like Sa-chan predicted!"

I froze, turning around to gape at her.

I had, of course, given Hinata a brief run down of the Sanbi arc so that way she could kick some major booty. But it (ashamedly) didn't even cross my mind that her team would never call us for back up.

'No! My chance to prematurely meet the yummy Tobito...!'

"As soon as I realized who Guren-chan was, I began to initiate negotiations with their team, since I remembered Sa-chan wanted her to join the harem," Hinata cheerfully went on. "It took a few weeks, and more than once I had to restrain some of the more rambunctious members of Guren-chan's team, but the negotiations were a success." Hinata glanced over at Naruto, her smiling dazzling. "I learned from Naruto-kun, and Sa-chan, after all. Once I listened to their issues, and offered help and advice, they were much more willing."

"Holy shit," I breathed out. "Therapy-no-Jutsu has taken another messiah."

Sasori moaned, burying his head in his hands while Kakuzu looked up at the ceiling and asked, "Why?"

"No," Kakashi whispered in disbelief, scooting away from Hinata.

"So, our team escorted Guren-chan and her team over to Kirigakure, where Mei-sama happily took in Guren-chan, Yukimaru-kun, and Gon-kun."

'Hinata single handedly solved the Sanbi Arc.'

I dropped down to my knees. "My goddess! I'm so proud of you!"

Hinata giggled in that adorable way, beaming happily at all the praise. "I couldn't have done it without your help, Sa-chan. All the knowledge you gave me, along with your support, ensured my success."

"I'm unbelievably jealous of your future husband right now," I admitted to her. "Urk!"

Unable to hold back my desire to body tackle someone again, I threw myself at Kakashi. He sighed with resignation, accepting the impromptu cuddles with the air of a grumpy old man.

There was a knock at my door, and I didn't immediately recognize the chakra signature. Curious, I pulled myself away from Kakashi—he sighed with relief—and headed over. Brightheart hobbled up next to me, giving me her cute little doggy smile.

Opening the front door revealed none other than Feudal Lord of Spring, Yukie.

Kakuzu looked like he had the wind knocked out of him.

"Yukie-chan?" I said in surprise, my eyes widening. "Oh my Goggle Gods, what are you doing here?"

The beyond gorgeous actress was dressed stylishly, and with huge sunglasses to cover her face. The fact that I didn't see any guards, or escorts, immediately told me that no one knew she was coming here. "Isn't it obvious? I'm here to surprise you!"

I opened my arms. "Darling!"

"Dear!" she laughed, accepting my hug. "We're filming in Konoha. Since you gave me your address, I thought I'd pop in to say hello."

"Well do more than that," I said, opening my door wider. "Come in for lunch. I'm making salmon risotto."

"Don't mind if I do," she said, stepping in. Upon noticing my puppy, she smiled sweetly and bent down to let Brightheart sniff her. "Oh, this is Brightheart, isn't it? She's as adorable as she is in the pictures you drew."

A prideful blush grew over my cheeks. "Heh-heh. Yeah. I'm a proud momma. She's a good girl."

Brightheart gave Yukie's hand a tentative lick before shyly lowering her head and hobbling to stand behind me.

I guided Yukie into the kitchen, where Naruto, and Kakashi cheerfully greeted her. Hinata bowed politely, introducing herself, and Kimimaro quietly followed suit.

Yukie took a seat at the table, and I headed back over to the stovetop to keep mixing the risotto.

"So whatchya' filming in Konoha? Another Gale-hime movie?" Naruto asked her excitedly, leaning on the edge of his seat. "You know, if you need a handsome actor—"

Yukie immediately cut in to avoid brutally rejecting that offer. "We're filming Love is Timeless. It was actually mostly written by Sakura-chan, with only a few tweaks. It's the story about a charming, eccentric girl struggling to choose between her love of her teacher, and the devilishly rugged sharkman mercenary," Yukie explained brightly, ignoring how nearly everyone else at the table pointedly looked over at mortified Kakashi. "It has such an amazing plot-twist, too! A lover from her past life named Maddie ressurrects and practically steals the whole show. I won't spoil the ending, though."

Now the looks were being tossed my way. Even Sasori and Kakuzu were staring at me with blatant disbelief.

"What?" I said. "It's completely original and not at all based on my fantasies."

Sasori gestured toward me, giving Kakuzu a look of: See?! I told you!

"She's insane," Kakuzu uttered, as if he couldn't quite believe how insane I was.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just fun," I insisted.

"So... how about that lunch?" Naruto asked, blatantly not touching that subject.

"Coming right up!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

After lunch, I promised to take Yukie around Konoha. I first went to change out of my sweats, and while I was doing so Kakuzu asked me, "How do you know her?"

"I saved her life, and put her as the next feudal lord of Spring," I answered, frowning as I peered at him. "You know her, don't you? But how—OH MY GOSH. It's you! You're the old miser that saved her life!"

"Kakuzu saving a life?" Sasori snorted. "Absurd."

"We've already established that she's insane, ignore her," Kakuzu said, most definitely not looking me in the eyes oh my gosh hello new ship.

A devilish grin stretched over my face. I rushed over to my desk, yanked out my sketch book, and sprinted downstairs to where Yukie was having a delightful conversation with Kakashi. "Yukie-chan! Tell me—tell me that old miser that rescued you—is this him?"

I flipped open to a bare-chested sketch of Kakuzu, ignoring Sasori's look of disgust and Kakuzu saying, "Please tell me you only have that one sketch of me."

Yukie looked over at the sketch and gasped. "Yes! That's him. Oh, I could never forget those handsome eyes."

"Handsome?" Sasori repeated, horrified. "Kakuzu... don't tell me you seduced a girl when you're nearly three times her age."

"I did no such thing," he snapped, irritated.

"May I have this?" Yukie asked, her eyes glistening with plain admiration.

"You can have all of them. Just, uh... rip them out and I'll put them in a folder. And, uh, please don't judge my other sketches."

"Judge?" Yukie repeated, flipping through the next page and then gasping. "Oh, my. Taken a page from the Icha Icha franchise?"

"Someone has to take up the mantle when Jiraiya-sama retires," I said.

Kakashi buried his face in his hands. "Please, don't."

"I'm already working on the next book with Jiraiya," I apologized. "Sorry."

"You don't... you don't have lewd drawings of anyone from the Akatsuki, do you?" Sasori asked, looking very much like he did not want to ask that.

I started to whistle innocently.

"She does," Kakuzu whispered. "Of course she does."

I clapped my hands together. "Welp! How about that Konoha tour? I'll take you everywhere."

"Lead the way," Yukie said, clutching at a few sketches of Kakuzu she ripped out.

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(A switch over to Guren)

"How are you liking Kirigakure, Guren-chan?" Mei asked in that charming voice of hers.

Guren felt a small smile grace her lips. "Very much, actually."

"Excellent, excellent. Haku-kun has been treating you well?"

"He's been very kind to Yukimaru and myself," Guren answered honestly. She had never expected the very village she had run from as a child to have turned into... into this.

Kirigakure was once a vile, and bloodthirsty village where the strong devoured the weak. Children were either killed, or transformed into monsters, and there was no inbetween.

Now, though, there was an atmosphere of healing, of warmth. Seeing children running through the streets, playing, and laughing, was mind-boggling to Guren. She had truly believed that there could be no such place. While serving Orochimaru, Guren couldn't imagine such a happy place existing.

When she was rejected by Orochimaru as his next vassal over Sasuke, Guren had never felt so betrayed. Ever since he had rescued her, he had groomed her for that one right. It was the only thing that kept her through those bitter, and cruel nights beside the mad scientist.

He took it away from her so easily, and she was left angry, and betrayed.

And then along came this gentle soul by the name of Hinata.

The young woman seemed to know more things about Guren than anyone else. She knew things Guren didn't know about herself.

This beautiful kunoichi was able to weave together such sweet words, all the way batting away any resistance Guren and her lackeys threw at her. With ease, Hinata and her team had defeated Guren, and with just as much ease, Hinata started to heal the damage done to Guren's heart.

To be honest, the whole thing felt surreal. She could scarcely believe she had agreed to come to Kirigakure at Hinata's suggestion—not that she had much choice, since the Hyūga had proven she could drag Guren there against her will if she resisted—and she was welcomed.

Hinata only mentioned, "She's a dear harem member, and a powerful crystal user."

Like magic, they were escorted to the Mizukage, where Hinata had quiet words with Mei. Then Mei welcomed them into Kirigakure, and the rest was history.

The past month Guren was—understandably—kept on watch, but it was far from uncomfortable. The handsome young man that escorted her around was named Haku, and he treated her with genuine respect.

(It didn't take long for Guren to realize why the boy had such a devoted fan group following him around, and countless girls and boys confessing their love for him.)

Mei had a sweet smile on her face. "Good. I'm here to share some baked goods Sakura-chan has sent over. She's made a cake just for you and Yukimaru to welcome you to Kirigakure."

Guren had never met Sakura before. She didn't even know what the girl looked like.

But she knew it was Sakura who told Hinata about her. She knew it was Sakura who orchestrated for Kirigakure to take her in (although as she understood it, the original plan was for Sakura to come to Kirigakure. Haku was thoroughly disappointed that it was only Hinata). She knew it was Sakura who was behind the peaceful life Guren currently lived.

She really had to thank Sakura, Guren believed.

And when Guren got to try a piece of the cake made just for her, she became a true member of the Sakura Harem, and wrote a thank you letter immediately.

A week later she received her Official Harem shirt, and sweats.

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(Jumping back in time, switching over to Sasuke)

It was over a day before Sasuke got a chance to read Sakura's letter. He had to wait for the perfect opportunity and guarantee Orochimaru wouldn't be around.

Dear Princess Duck-Butt,

How you doin'? ;) Turn to the back for a drawing of me winking and blowing a kiss at you. Mwah.

Flirting aside, I suppose I should get right down to business, huh?
You'll be nearing the point where you'll kill Orochimaru. Don't worry, you'll win as long as you play smart. But be warned, Orochimaru has a piece of himself inside your Curse Mark. If you let your Curse Mark progress too far, then Orochimaru will possess your body. I've already got plans in motion to get that taken care of, so don't worry too much about it, okay?

Next up will be your hunt for your team... and then your brother. Karin will be easy to bring over to your side—please give her my love—and so will Jūgo. Please let Jūgo know that Kimimaro is now in Konoha, under my loving custody. He'll soon be joining my harem, so please be sure to extend that offer to Jūgo. Karin is obviously invited too because she's adorable, and if you get her and Suigetsu to join I'll make you lunches for a week when you come back to Konoha.

Suigetsu will be tricky to convince. He wants Zabuza's sword, but ain't no way Zabuza will give that up. Especially since I made sure Zabuza stayed alive this time around, and he and Haku are living it up in Kirigakure. (PS, I got the Mizukage to join my harem in exchange for monthly baked goods. You can bribe anyone with food it seems!) But I do have a good counter offer for him: Lightning Blades. Yeah, yeah I know that he's super sensitive to lighting attacks, which is why it'll make the perfect cover for his weakness! No one expects a lightning user to be vulnerable to lightning. And they're pretty easy to get a hold of, since the last holder buried them in a hide out at 45.6, 37.8 in the Land of Fire. Plus Mangetsu—that's Suigetsu's brother—was able to utilize them fine and dandy.

Once your team is gathered you'll begin your hunt for Itachi.
Before you reach your brother you'll have one big battle face, and that's against Akatsuki members Deidara and Tobi.

Both of which are very treasured and precious people for me. I ask that you do not aim to kill either of them, but capture. Tobi will be impossible to capture, but Deidara will be viable. On the next page I will include their abilities, strengths, and weaknesses for you to prepare yourself. I will also like to ask that you please keep your sweet little snakey summons out of this, because they are big babies and I'd hate to see them get hurt.

I've also included in the second storage scroll some poison designed for knock outs, and antidotes. Feel free to use them.

Once you have defeated Deidara, Tobi will vacate. Please use the red scroll attached to this scroll afterwards. It will summon my sidekick, Ibuse, who will take care of Deidara.

You will have a few days of rest before you find Itachi. I will find you before your battle, and I'm afraid I have some pretty big news that is too sensitive to put inside a letter. I hope you will remember, and keep, your promise to me three years ago. I hope I have proven my knowledge enough to you that you understand that when I say you need to hear this information before your fight then you need to hear it.

Lots of love,

Sakura

Sasuke resisted the urge to sigh.

That was definitely written by Sakura.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Sorry for the late update. This year has kinda kicked my butt pretty good. January, our truck got broken into since someone wanted to steal it, but ended up just destroying it to the point where it'd be too expensive to fix rather than get a new car. February I lost my job. March my mom got rushed to the ER at 3 AM and had to go into surgery and was hospitalized for a while. April, I have finally started getting some breathing room and hopefully found a new job.

I really am sorry for the late update. But it's hard to write a happy character when you're not happy.

I did end up skipping the Sanbi Arc. It was what I had been writing for the past few months, but I hated how it turned out every time so I decided to be kinder to my muse and skip it. I know some of you really wanted the Tobito scene, though, so here's the only scene I saved:

I sat on the shore of the lake, completely soaked.

'Why are we trying to seal the Sanbi?' I thought to myself. 'I told them it wasn't going to work. Oh, well.'

"Oh, my!" came the heart-stopping familiar voice of one Tobito—otherwise known as Obito Uchiha. "If it isn't Kisame-senpai's fangirl!"

"Hello, darling," I said, tilting my head back to look at him. "Wanna sit with me?"

"Are you going to try and take Tobi away, too?" Obito mockingly worried.

"Not, yet," I purred, winking. "We'll have our little play on a different stage. Right now, this is the green room. Come, relax with me, my dear."

Obito plopped down next to me, and I scooted closer. He immediately tensed up, but didn't make any move to stop me.

"Tobi's heard some scary things about Sakura-chan," Obito said in his fake cheerful voice. "Can Sakura-chan really predict the future?"

"I can predict a future," I corrected. "The knowledge is blessed upon me by the Goggle Gods. Want to know yours?"

"Ooo! Yes, please!"

"A life filled with, happiness, and acceptance," I told him, patting his knee. "A life where guilt has left you, where warmth will find you, and family surrounds you."

Obito cocked his head. "Tobi gets a happy ending?"

"Honey, I'll make you the happiest ending."

Answer: A wand that lets me conjure anything.

Question: What genre would your life be classified as? What genre would you want it to be?

Reviews are love!

Next up: Deidara and Itachi Arc bby. Jeepers you move so quick when you fuck up the plot line.