Me: I'm sending good vibes your way. They're coming. There's nothing you can do to stop them.

You: That's the most threatening way I've ever been cheered up.

Anon

Tripe update 'cause it's my birthday :D Special birthday wishes for all my fellow July babies and Cancer buddies.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Warning: This story has no place for logic.

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I scratched at my suddenly itchy forehead, feeling vaguely annoyed.

Well, maybe a teeny tiny more than vaguely annoyed.

"It happens," Kakashi tried in vain to soothe me.

"It doesn't happen," I disagreed. "Name one other time it's happened."

"I've—"

"I haven't officially asked you, so you can't include yourself," I retorted with a huff, scratching furiously at my forehead.

"You're going to make yourself bleed," Kakashi pointed out.

With great reluctance I forced my hand back to my side, trying (and failing) to ignore the intense burning itch on my forehead.

"Maybe he'll come around," Kakashi tried again to comfort me.

"Who would reject a formal invitation to join my harem after I've saved their life? And everyone they love. And restored their country and culture! Who does that?! Rude people, that's who!"

Kakashi gave me a pitying look.

"Stop," I ordered him. "You do not get to pity me, mister Perfect-Ass."

The look went on and my glare turned into a smolder. "Y'know, if you really wanna cheer me up..."

Oh, sweet, beautiful glare, how I have missed you. Kakashi abruptly took off ahead of me, choosing not to respond to my hilarious flirtations.

The trip back home was silent.

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I wiped the grave clean, then dipped my towel into the soapy bucket. I pulled it back out and wiped more firmly against Mikoto's grave, doing my best to get a shine out of it.

Brightheart rolled over onto her back, her eyes closed as she basked in the sunlight beside me.

A couple days after Kakashi and I had returned from our latest mission and I we were placed on temporary standby. Tsunade said that Jiraiya would be coming into town soon, which meant it would soon be time for our super important meeting.

So, to bide my time, I went ahead and started cleaning up the Uchiha District.

Since the massacre the whole district had been kept pretty empty. All the furniture and personal belongings were cleared out except for Sasuke's family home.

No one had moved in.

It's not that there were blood stains everywhere, or it had a bad feeling to it. Frankly I don't think some people would really care about what it used to be.

It's simply that everything went to Sasuke, per Clan Laws.

And Sasuke didn't have the heart to open everything up for sale.

Once more, it wasn't that he didn't want to sell the land. A part of him really did because then maybe living people would chase off the ghosts. He had all the paperwork filled out, had everything ready to close off the Uchiha District for good and open it up as a Residential District (but he would retain his family's home for obvious reasons).

But when it came down to submitting the paperwork he couldn't bring himself to do so.

So I did it for him.

Granted I used my own name as his temporary proxy since he was partying up with Orochimaru-senpai, but I didn't think he'd mind. He left the paperwork laying out for me on the kitchen table, anyway, so I assumed that's what he wanted.

I used some of the money he had so kindly set aside to hire a realtor to do the legwork for me, so hopefully I'd only have to pop by every once and while to sign some crap. I'd set aside any money I made to give back to Sasuke.

Unless he tried to kill us when we met up for him. Then I'm taking that money and building a strip club.

I'd call it: Bakakashi.

It'd become a temple of the Goggle Gods for all those worthy to come and pray in honor of Madara's sexiness.

Second thought I might do that anyway.

Meh.

We'll see.

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A week since we had returned from our last mission, Kakashi swung by my place and asked me to have lunch with him and the Hokage.

It was, at long last, finally time to bullshit my way through the ever important meeting.

I followed Kakashi towards the chosen restaurant, doing my best to refrain from taunting him too much. I didn't want to get him riled up before I dropped such big bombshells.

Within minutes of arriving the two of us were seated in a secluded booth, and I was squished in between Shikaku and Kakashi, Jiraiya and Tsunade on the opposite side of us. I sensed Jiraiya trigger a multitude of seals.

Tsunade then looked over at me. "I believe you had something you wanted to tell us, Sakura."

"The Goggle Gods have blessed me with some critical knowledge," I began. "Knowledge about the future."

"Goggle Gods," Tsunade repeated, incredulous.

"I can—I can vouch for some of it," Kakashi said quietly. "Her knowledge when it comes from them has... never been wrong."

"Shikamaru told me some of it," Shikaku added, voice low. "You were able to give detailed and accurate information about the Sound Four prior to ever meeting them."

Jiraiya and Tsunade both still looked dubious, so I took a deep breath and said, "Jiraiya, you trained three orphans in the past war. Konan, Yahiko, and Nagato. Nagato had the rinnegan."

Jiraiya's face twitched once before smoothing over, while Tsunade raised an eyebrow. The Hokage said, "Orochimaru and I didn't report about the orphans."

"I didn't talk about them with anyone who's still alive," Jiraiya said, staring intently at me. "How do you know about them?"

"The Goggle Gods have blessed me," I bullshitted. "I can go on, if you'd like, to prove my knowledge. I can tell you who Naruto's parents are. I can also tell you who was really behind Kurama's attack that night."

"Kurama?" Shikaku repeated.

"You know him as the kyūbi, but his real name is Kurama," I explained. "Kushina, Naruto's mother, was his previous jailer. Then the man known as—as Tobi attacked her immediately after she gave birth. A jinchūriki's seal is weakened when giving birth, you know. Tobi kidnapped Kushina and extracted Kurama before releasing him on Konoha. He wanted to frame the Uchiha Clan, because he needed them gone for his ultimate plan. He succeeded in seeding sows of doubt and distrust in those that knew about his attack. Every ANBU who saw him saw his Sharingan eyes and thought someone from the Uchiha Clan was behind the attack. This caused a lot of distrust between the village and the clan, and since the clan was already antsy about previous incidents..." I trailed off, looking up at Tsunade with a meaningful gaze. "I'm about to tell you all something that's gonna drop one hell of a bombshell. Only Jiraiya knows part of the truth."

At that, Jiraiya frowned.

"Go on," Tsunade said.

"The Uchiha Clan was planning a coup," I said. "Danzō ordered Itachi to eliminate his clan to prevent civil war. Itachi did as he ordered, but in exchange Sasuke was to be left alive and unaware. Itachi would go down as the big bad villain, so the Uchiha Clan would be remembered with honor, and Sasuke would be spared."

Pure, cold, and brittle silence filled the booth. Everyone there was an expertly trained shinobi, so each wore masks to hide their genuine horror and surprise.

"Itachi is your mysterious contact, Jiraiya-sama. He's the one who's been tipping you off about the Akatsuki," I told him.

"Hold on," Shikaku cut in. "Are you seriously saying that a council elder ordered the massacre of an entire clan?"

"There's a secret archive room hidden underneath the hokage's office," I said, words falling out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. "Hiruzen kept every unofficial mission there, documented, in case evidence would be needed later on. You can't access it without the current hokage's approval. When Tsunade-sama wrote her name down in blood on the hokage scroll after her orientation, she keyed her blood into the seals that keeps the room hidden."

"What?" Tsunade exclaimed.

"Oh," I said. How the fuck do I know this? This is starting to get a little creepy. "Um. I mean, yeah. Totally. You can—you can access the room by putting some of your blood on the seal. The seal is kept underneath the potted plant in the corner of the office."

Once more silence fell between everyone.

"We need to confirm this first," Tsunade declared, standing up from her booth. "Let's move, people. Jiraiya, do you have more privacy seals prepared?"

"Quite a bit, actually," Jiraiya muttered, still giving me a look of genuinely disbelief.

As a group, the five of us headed out. As soon as we arrived at the office Tsunade barked at the guards to stand back and allow Jiraiya to place up more privacy seals.

As soon as her old friend gave the clear Tsunade moved the pot aside, cut her thumb, and dabbed a bit of her blood on the spot where the plot used to be.

There was a flash of light and seals glowed around the spot, forming a neat square. When the glow died down a trapdoor opened up in the center of the room.

"Cool," I said. "Am I badass, or what?"

How in the fuck do you know this.

'I'm just going to roll with it.'

Kakashi leaning over the trap door, staring down at it with such a look of incredulous—

Kakashi looked down at the trap door then he looked back at me. "This is insane."

"It is what it is," I muttered tiredly.

Hiruzen bowed his head. "I am glad I prepared for such a day, but... I wish it had not come."

"That is something we can all agree on," Minato muttered.

Obito clapped his hands, a look of determination on his face. "Alright. Let's do this."

The scene was gone, and I was left staring at an empty space—the others had all jumped down it seemed.

Was that an episode?

'It didn't—it didn't feel like one of my episodes.'

As a prior schizophrenic patient, I had gotten used to experiencing hallucinations. They were typically reserved for more horrific things, but there were times where I would "imagine" a friendly person sitting beside me and enjoy a lovely conversation with them. It was hard, incredibly so, to be able to differentiate what was true during the episode and for a time afterwards.

The fact that I could distinctly tell that it did not actually happen made me think it wasn't a genuine episode.

It didn't feel fake, either.

'A... memory?'

But whose?

The person I thought was me was definitely not me. That memory didn't belong to me—if it was in fact a memory. The fact that I had seen Kakashi's team in it may have lead me to think that it was Rin—who was the only person not there, though a part of me felt it was not her memory—but Obito was much older in that vision.

The memory did not line up with the canonical timeline I knew.

Obito became Tobi before the age of fifteen, but he definitely looked almost eighteen in that vision.

And Kakashi didn't have his scar, in fact, he had both of his eyes.

What I say could not have happened in this—

In this—

In this—

STOP.

I clutched at my head, sharp pain piercing through it. The intensity of the pain was so severe, my knees buckled and I bowed.

And just as quickly as it came, it left.

Kakashi's head popped up from the trapdoor. "You following?"

I blinked away the spots in my eyes and gave him a shaky smile. "Yep."

Deciding to put all those thoughts to the side, I hopped down the trapdoor and entered a room that reeked of mold and dust.

"Well. Ya'll probably have a lot of reading to do," I said, looking around the many rows of dusty scrolls. "I'm gonna grab lunch."

"You," Tsunade said, turning towards me and jabbing a finger. "You are not to leave this village under any circumstances. Kakashi, accompany her at all times until we get this mess sorted out. If you really are capable of learning all of this—"

"At all times?" I whispered, my eyes widening. "Does this mean we get to live together again? Sleep together?"

Kakashi gave Tsunade simultaneously pleading and terrified look.

"At. All. Times," Tsunade snapped out.

I squealed with delight, but then—

"If you keep me locked up, you'll kill me," the words tumbled out. "Danzō will find out and kill me. He has spies in every corner. Over half your ANBU is compromised with his ROOT soldiers. I have to keep leaving on missions or he'll get suspicious."

"She's—she's not wrong," Shikaku said quietly. "If Danzō—if everything she's said is true, which I'm getting the feeling is the case—then we have to proceed carefully."

"Definitely no solo missions," Jiraiya said. "Kakashi should stay with her, and we should assign someone else."

"Tree baby?" I asked hopefully.

"Tree—you mean that fellow?" Tsunade gave a thin smile. "Heh. If I didn't know any better I'd say you read my mind. Kakashi, take Sakura out of here. Shikaku, we need to put a team together—"

I hopped out of the hole, Kakashi following behind me.

"You are not sleeping in my apartment again," he told me flatly.

"I have an extra room," I offered.

"I'm putting explosives around my bed," he warned. I had a feeling he really would.

"I'll behave."

"Then let's go. You're buying me lunch since you're so determined to ruin my days."

"Ah, come on. Don't be like that. You know I love you."

"You're buying dinner, too."

"Okay, okay."

"Any more bombshells you want to add?"

'What would you say if I told you I would be the mother of your future children?' I wondered. I decided against asking that, since I felt like he might overreact a teeny tiny bit and the poor dear already looked so exhausted from all the other bombs I dropped today.

Better to give him time to recuperate before I had my fun again.

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About three hours later there was a knock on my front door. Kakashi got up to answer it, and when I arrived I found myself giggling with glee when I saw who it was.

"Tree baby!" I squealed, throwing myself at Tenzō. "I'm gonna love on you now, okay?"

"Um," Tenzō said, awkwardly patting my back while I nuzzled into his chest. "Senpai?"

"You'll get used to it," Kakashi said airily. "It's better to go with the flow than fight it. She's tenacious."

I pinched Tenzō's butt and the tree baby screamed like a little girl and threw me away from him. Kakashi caught me before I hit the ground, idly swatting the back of my head. "Don't do that. You'll give the poor baby a heart attack. He's not used to your level of crazy."

Tenzō put both of his hands over his butt, looking at me in abject horror. "You—You—You're thirteen!"

"With the heart of a horny old man," I said proudly. "Don't worry, I just had to see where your butt placed on the scale. Solid 6/10, so not bad. A little too stiff for my tastes, but with a little work I think you could make it up to 8/10."

"What," he whispered.

"Kakashi is 10/10. I'm his Butt Advocate," I said with a grin.

"My butt doesn't need an advocate, and if it did why can't I be it?" Kakashi asked.

"Because you don't appreciate your butt like I do," I explained with a roll of my eyes.

"I suppose that's true. No one appreciates my butt like you do."

"Don't forget it, darling."

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Sorry for the transitional chapter, but we're getting in towards the time skip (which means Akatsuki coming soon). Next chapter will be a montage of events leading up to Shippuden, and likely filled with many jokes at Kakashi's expense. And now Tenzō's.

Answer: Overlord III. Hail Nazarack.

Question: Favorite fanbase?

Reviews are love!