"The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian."

-Anonymous

This is a Time Skip chapter so it's hella choppy since I'm only writing the scenes that are important or funny enough to warrant being brought to life.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto!

Warning: There is no logic. This is a parody / satire.

SIDE NOTE FOR WATTPAD: Once again Wattpad is having formating issues, so sorry things look wonky with the scene breaks.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Dear Sakura,

Kirigakure is coming along very well. Mei is an excellent kage and the village looks completely different than what I remember it. There are actually children playing in the streets now! I never thought I'd see the day that I could walk down Kirigakure without fear and see children laughing. It's wonderful, and I hope you get the chance to see it.

Mei really liked your cookies, by the way. She wants me to tell you that she'd be more than happy to arrange accommodations for you if you visit. "A friend of Zabuza and Haku is a friend of mine. Especially one with such a magical touch in cooking," were her exact words, I believe.

I really hope you take her up on it. I know you're busy at the hospital, but please think about it?

While the people here are nice, and much friendlier than what I remember, it'd be wonderful to have an actual friend here.

And I miss you.

Yours,

Haku

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"Here you go, Tree baby," I said, gesturing towards the mostly empty room upstairs. "You can stay here."

"Please stop calling me Tree Baby," Tenzō sighed. "Thank you for the room, Sakura-san."

"You can drop the san, darling," I said with a chirp. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

"Uh-huh."

I patted Tenzō on the shoulder before turning back around to address Kakashi who was standing a solid meter away from us and eyeing me like I might jump on him at any moment. With a big smile I said, "This is great. I love having roommates."

"Great is not the word I would use to describe this," Kakashi informed me.

"You're right. Perfect is a better description."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

My sweet little Haku,

I'd LOVE to visit Kirigakure! I talked to Tsunade-sama about it and she mentioned she was already planning on sending a delegation to discuss renewing the non-aggression pact between our villages. There's a good chance she'll let me tag along. I mean it'd only make sense, right? I am her apprentice and it'd be a good show of respect and trust to send me along.

Plus, ya know, I know how to bribe her.

(her weakness is rum cake)

Of course when I do visit you'll have to show me around. ;J

I'm sending along some pictures of me and Brightheart because she's an adorable puppy and the world needs to see how cute she is.

Tell Zabuza that he better be dating Mei by the time I get there!

Lots of love,

Sakura

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Naruto left with Jiraiya scarcely a couple days after Tenzō moved in. There wasn't much warning. One morning Naruto showed up at my door carrying his plants and shoved them into my arms with a quick, "I gotta go, love ya, bye!"

I barely got out a goodbye of my own before the ball of sunshine was racing away in pursuit of pervert teacher.

I set up his plants beside my own before a saddened Hinata showed up two hours later, gave a big woeful sigh, and flopped herself onto my couch.

Taking a seat beside her, I patted her squishy cheeks. "Do you need chocolate, sweetie?"

"Yes, please," she said. "I'll have to work extra hard to impress Naruto-kun when he gets back, but—"

"But you'll miss him?"

She nodded glumly. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Don't worry, honey. He'll come back before you know it."

"Promise?"

"Pinky promise."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Dear Gaara,

See attached recipes. Naruto's off on a training journey, so I won't be able to pass on any letters for you to him for a while. Sorry, honey! But, hey, we still have each other so we'll be okay.

Congratulations on your promotion! I bet you'll be Kazekage in no time at all. Who can resist your adorable face?

That council guy sounds like a complete ass. I'm all for Shukaku-sama crushing him like a bug. Tell him that I love him, by the way. I also love you, of course.

Thanks for the pictures! They're hanging proudly on my bedroom ceiling so I can look up at them before I go to sleep and imagine seeing it beside you.

Things are getting a little crazy around here since I started my apprenticeship with Tsunade. I still work at the hospital a lot, and I've had to cut back on my missions a whole bunch. Brightheart says hi!

Sending you lots of love and imaginary cuddles,

Sakura

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"You'll be spending a lot more time at the hospital," Shizune informed me with a gentle smile. "Tsunade and I are both impressed with your talent and we'd hate to see it squandered. Working more at the hospital isn't a problem for you, is it?"

I shook my head. Also will keep me in Konoha in case Tsunade wants to ask me more about the Goggle Gods, I bet. The hospital and medical training is probably just a really nice cover.

My new schedule now went something like this: Mondays through Thursdays I worked at the hospital for 10-15 hours, but I was on call at all times during those days. I mean, I was originally scheduled only to work 8 hours at a time but when you work at a hospital as one of the doctors (which whoa that's weird because I was thirteen but apparently being Chūnin made it all okay) you never only worked for eight hours. Some surgeries would last eight hours and then there'd be another emergency.

I also came to understand the burning hatred nurses and doctors harbored for shinobi and kunoichi who did not get the appropriate amount of bedrest before nearing getting themselves killed again.

Like, I worked for twelve hours straight to get your damn heart to pump on its own again and you go off and get it ripped out again!? You motherfucker!

No wonder it was standard practice to tie flight risks down (like Kakashi).

An-y-way come Friday was a designated day off to train or sleep. Saturdays sometimes were the same, Sundays we (almost) always took a very brief mission. The three of us would leave at four in the morning and be back by evening that day. Tsunade definitely wasn't going to let me take any long term missions for a lo-ong time, that's for sure.

It was pretty nice to have a routine, though. It made me feel normal.

And then there were mornings like this one that threw normalcy out the window.

"What did you do to my underwear?!" Tenzō hissed out, stomping into the kitchen with an expression that was a perfect mix between mortification and pure rage.

I didn't even stop from mixing my apple pie filling, merely glancing up at him—and the clock which read as 5:13 AM. "Uh, what?"

Kakashi, who was sitting at the kitchen table, and enjoying his morning coffee briefly looked up at Tenzō. He looked over at me. "What did you do this time, Sakura?"

"I didn't do anything," I insisted, genuinely wondering if I sleep-walked and stole his underwear again. "At least I don't think I did."

One time and they will never let it go!

Red-faced, Tenzō shakily held up a pair of lingerie. "Everything has been taken except this. You cannot expect me to think you weren't behind this."

At this, I paused in my stirring to examine the silky undergarment. "That's some nice undies. I feel like I've seen them before, though—"

"Where is my underwear?!" the ex-ANBU demanded.

"This is why I told you to booby trap your drawers," Kakashi told him.

"Yeah, that makes it way more fun when I do mess with you. Makes me feel like a kick ass art thief or something," I said, nodding my head in agreement. "I mean... booby trapping totally deters."

"But it slows you down," Kakashi pointed out. "And we'll eventually find the right trap to stop you entirely."

The thought made me smile in amusement.

"Returning to the main issue," Tenzō hissed out, "Sakura, where did you put them?"

"No clue," I chirped, "Want some pie?" I held out my filling-coated wooden spoon.

He glared at me. "Food doesn't solve everything."

"I'll make you another baked alaska," I sung.

Ah. The anger wavered.

"Don't give in," Kakashi urged him. "If you always accept her bribes she'll never learn."

That made Tenzō snort. "You have no room to talk."

"Letting her buy the collector's edition of Icha Icha for tiramisu cake every weekend was perfectly acceptable and not at all applies to this conversation," Kakashi bullshitted.

Tenzō sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Look, just give them back okay?"

"I would if I could, sweetie," I assured him, "but I really don't know—"

Anko threw herself into the kitchen through the open window over the sink. "I AM HERE FOR THE PIE BABY."

"My goddess!" I cried out, placing the bowl down and throwing myself into her arms. Anko whirled me around, nuzzling the top of my head. I gave her butt an affectionate pat which made her laugh and ruffle my hair. "I'm sorry, nymph, but the pie's still being made. I told you it'd be ready at seven."

"But everything smells like heaven when you bake," Anko sighed dreamily, taking a seat at the table beside Kakashi. She noticed the underwear Tenzō was holding out. "Aha! I see you got my gift."

Tenzō was scandalized. "You?!"

"Me!" she cried out. "Why else do you think Sakura's baking me a pie?"

"You set her up to steal my underwear?!" Tenzō whirled back around on me.

"I told her I would bake her a pie if she got you to wear a thong," I explained cheerfully.

"Yeah and I want that pie," Anko said. "So either you put it on or I will make you."

The poor tree baby glared balefully at Anko before turning on his heel and marching out of the kitchen. Anko's standard leer appeared on her face and she hopped up from her spot and skipped after him. "Oh I love it when they play hard to get."

"Don't destroy my house," I called out after her before returning to baking. I looked back over at Kakashi and beamed at him. "Want me to make you breakfast, Sensei?"

"Hotcakes sound good."

"Coming up, dear."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Sakura,

Thank you for the recipes.

I am sorry to hear about Naruto.

Thank you.

No, I will not let Shukaku crush anyone. Shukaku says hello, and thank you for the worship.

I'm glad you like the pictures.

What do you do in the hospital? Are you a doctor?

Thank you for the love and imaginary cuddles.

Yours,

Gaara

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

I woke up with sharp burning pain in my forehead. It was significant enough to make me sit up with a lurch and wake Brightheart up who was sleeping on my legs. The puppers gave a whine of protest, lifting her scarred head up to look at me with concern.

Even if she would never be taught how to speak human she was still a bred ninken and was wickedly smart.

The pain resided, replaced with an itchy feeling.

Confused, I scratched at it for a moment until the feeling faded away entirely. "What the heck?"

I wiggled free of Brightheart, my sweet puppy making another noise of concern for me. "Don't worry, pumpkin, I'll be right back. I just want to see my reflection."

She lowered her head back down, giving a soft sigh.

Quietly, I crossed my bedroom to the attached bathroom. I flipped on the lights, blinking away at how bright it became, before I approached my bathroom mirror.

Then I stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Because what the gosh darn dilly dally heck?

There, center of my forehead, a pale green, was the strength of a hundred seal.

I stared in disbelief at the diamond on my forehead, poking at it. I could definitely sense the chakra inside of it when I focused on it, but that was just insane. I hadn't even started training with Tsunade, how do I have her seal?

What the hell was going on?

'Inner? Any suggestions?'

But the voice inside of my head was oddly quiet.

'What am I supposed to do? Cover it up with makeup?'

I started rummaging through my medicine cabinet, wondering if I even had any make up.

Nope.

'Okay I'll buy some cover up tomorrow. Mean time I'll cover it up with my hitai-ate.'

I'll keep it covered for... for... well until I came up with a reasonable explanation because damn did I not have any.

'Do I even know how to use this thing? Why do I have it? I haven't been in this life for more than a year! How is this possible?'

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Come morning I immediately got dressed in my room, tying my headband around my forehead to cover the seal. I still hadn't figured out what to do about it since I doubted my usual explanation of the Goggle Gods would cover it.

They had only ever given me information, why would they suddenly grant this onto me?

I decided to give myself more time before I could come up with a good enough bullshit reason. Something told me claiming ignorance (even if it was true) wouldn't work.

Although it did become increasingly important to started training under Tsunade. I was technically under her apprenticeship, but she hadn't given me one on one training yet. Maybe if I trained under her a year I could squeak by with being a "prodigy" or whatever and then show off my seal.

Ideally I'd wait as long as possible before showing it, but I could probably get by with a year of training because in that case I could say the Goggle Gods helped me.

Maybe?

Ugh.

After I got dressed I helped Brightheart downstairs. Her prosthetic was decent—certainly more advanced than my previous world's life—but it could still lock up on occasion.

And I knew I wouldn't be able to carry her around forever, so I tried to do it as much as possible while I still could.

(Who was kidding? Even when she'd get up to 200 lbs I'd still carry her around.)

Unsurprisingly Tenzō and Kakashi were already downstairs and drinking coffee. Kakashi knew how much I loved cooking, so he largely left that task up to me (but he'd do the dishes because whoever cooked didn't have to do the dishes).

"Good morning," I said cheerfully, setting Brightheart down. The cutie patootie let out a yip to let me know she was hungry.

"Morning," my bodyguards greeted me. Kakashi reached over and patted Brightheart on the top of her head, earning a small tail-wag.

"Any requests for breakfast?"

"Nope," Kakashi answered on behalf of the two of them. "We'll be taking a mission this afternoon, though. Nothing too dangerous, so we should be back by tonight."

I saluted. "Yes, sir!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Since training with Tsunade became a top priority I planted myself in her office that evening after coming back from the mission and begged for training.

She was all too happy to oblige.

When Tsunade taught me she was completely unlike Shizune.

Shizune was patient, thoughtful, and encouraged conversation. Every time we went into surgery together she would ask me questions about what she was doing, and even at times allow me to take direction. She was a good teacher.

Tsunade, on the other hand, was nothing at all like that.

She was brash, quick, and if I didn't know the answer I got a hard slap on the back of my head that left my ears ringing.

She didn't offer direct instruction, but rather if I wasn't being berated or hit then I knew I was doing it right.

And boy that physical training was something else.

I thought Gai's training courses were cruel.

Clearly he didn't have Tsunade's imagination.

Whenever Tsunade taught me I definitely wasn't taking any missions that week. I would spend my entire time recovering from her brutal teaching style.

But, damn did it show results.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Dearest Sakura,

Oh that cake recipe is divine. I'm tempted to request you for a month as my personal chef, but unfortunately I think my actual chefs might take offense to that.

Land of Spring is beautiful, of course, but I am glad I will be able to get out for a while. All the diplomacy and paperwork gets suffocating, and I can't ignore my acting career. The Icha Icha movie will be coming out soon, as we've already finished filming—don't worry you'll get your tickets—but I've recently taken up another script. This movie will actually take me in the Land of Fire for a couple weeks, and near Konoha. I'm trying to see if the director will allow us a small detour into Konoha so I can visit you. You'll have to make your croquembouche for me.

Congratulations on your apprenticeship, and your new position in the hospital. I'm sure you'll be running the whole thing within the year.

You live with your sensei now? Is this the same silver-haired man that the director ships you with? He sent me over the script you helped him with and I found it interesting that the teacher also has silver hair and the student has pink hair. Not nearly as interesting as the sharkman fellow rival, though? Where did you come up with that?

Thank you for the wool socks. My feet are absolutely delighted.

With love and kisses,

Yuki

.

I sat outside in my backyard one weekend, half a dozen fruit pies on my right and dozens of fruit tarts on left. Kakashi was out on errands, so only Tenzō remained as my bodyguard, but he remained inside.

Apparently he could only take me in small doses. How weird was that?

Brightheart lounged in the warm sunlight behind me, her feet and prosthetics kicked up into the air while she wiggled her back into the soft grass. A quick glance behind showed me that her tongue was lazily hanging out and she had a doggy smile.

'Could my dog be any cuter? No. She couldn't be 'else she'd melt the entire world.'

Um, what?

I ignored my Inner's disbelieving tone, choosing instead to focus on the positive things.

After all, today would the day I met the rest of the salamanders if all went well.

There were three salamanders I could summon that I hadn't, yet. Shin, Hanso, and Ibuse.

Shin, according to Gedo, was keeper of the Salamander Spirit Prison. He was extremely well versed in fuuinjutsu, and was able to "de-summon" himself enough to the point to pass through anything physical. Including seals!

The Spirit Prison, I had learned, was something unique to the Salamanders. The Salamanders were one of the rare summons who resided in the In Between, the place between the Physical and Spiritual Realm. I currently lived in the Physical Realm.

The Spirit Prison captured and held the physical bodies of prisoners and pushed out their spiritual energy. In short, it turned people into ghosts! The summoner—me—could then bring those "ghosts" over into the Physical Realm for an indefinite period of time.

The Spirit Prison was made a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago by someone the Salamanders won't talk about. I guess she was some kind of billy bad ass in seals and had a connection to the Spiritual Realm because the Spirit Prison drew upon the Spiritual Realm itself to make all this possible.

An-y-way, Shin was the keeper of the prison. He made sure the prisoners didn't waste away while inside, I guess.

Hanso was the youngest of the Salamanders who could be summoned, and he had a unique ability of being able to transform the summoner into a salamander. As a salamander the summoner's chakra was completely repressed, so it'd be super ideal for spying and whatnot. Geod also said he was super adorable.

Lastly, there was Ibuse.

Ibuse was the boss of the Salamanders. He could use earth style ninjutsu, swim through earth and rock like it was water, and transform any poison ingested into a toxic gas bomb.

All around a pretty useful guy.

Once I got the hang of summoning him, he'd probably the one I summoned the most in combat. Gedo and Doku were largely used for preparation, not for heat-of-the-moment battles like Ibuse. Shin seemed better suited for in case I needed a fuinjutsu master, and Hanso... Hanso seemed really great if I wanted to spy. Not sure how often I would need to spy—or want to—but who knew where life would take me?

I took a deep breath, summoning as much chakra as I could, and then slammed my hands onto the ground.

There was a massive amount of smoke, and as it cleared three salamanders stood in its place.

The most obvious one to see was Ibuse. He was as massive as I remen—as I thought he would be from his debut in the anime. He was a pale shade of brown, covered in smooth skin, and looked down at me without eyes.

Shin was the next easily spotted since he was bone white and had piercing red eyes that seemed to glow. He was about as big as Brightheart, with a crooked tail.

Hanso was hard to spot, since he was apparently no bigger than my index finger and sat squarely on Shin's head. He was dark brown and gold with brilliant yellow eyes.

!-Hi!-!Hanso exclaimed, his voice mirroring that of a young boy. !-I'm Hanso-!

"Hello, Hanso. Hello, Shin, Hello, Ibuse," I greeted. "I've prepared food for you all. It's really great to finally meet you."

v-Yes.-v Shin nodded his head, approaching me slowly, eyes unreadable. v-It is good to see you, my summoner.-v

There was a tone in his voice that struck me as odd. He sounded like—

'—Greeting a friend whose forgotten him?'

'Whoa. What a weird thought. I think I read too much Icha Icha last night.'

I gave him a grin then looked up at Ibuse. "Let's work well together, yeah?"

_Yes._ Ibuse said, his tone soft and surprisingly gentle. _I look forward to working with you again, hime._

"Awesome. Help yourselves to the pie, then, my friends!"

!-Woo hoo!-! Hanso shouted, jumping off Shin's head and dive bombing into one of the pies. !-It's pie paradise.-!

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

v-What is this?-v Shin asked me, the tiny white salamander looking up at me with wide, wide eyes. Barely a week after hatching and already he was ready to experience the world.

"It's pie," I told him, giggling.

v-There's so much!-v

"Yep. It's a pie paradise!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

A shudder ran through me after the memory, a sudden pang in my chest. One moment I was clutching my head from the odd vision, and the next everything was gone and I felt perfectly fine.

I received a few glances, but I smiled and said, "Sorry, blood rush. I'm okay. C'mon. Let's eat!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

To my beloved Gaara,

OH MY GOSH. So today at the hospital I'm doing my rounds like no big deal, right? RIGHT! BUT THEN an ANBU squad bursts into my office—because I share it with Shizune—looking for Shizune. That part isn't so unusual because some of the ANBU prefer to get rushed patch jobs so they don't have to stay in the hospital overnight and only a handful of doctors can—and will—do that, Shizune being one of them. But Shizune was gone so I'm like, "Can I help you?"

AND THAT'S WHEN I NOTICED THEY WERE ALL HOLDING THEIR INTESTINES.

I screamed.

They pass out.

I, of course, call a code while still screaming and trying to shove their organs back inside.

Nurses come running, we get them pumped full of drugs, and rush them to a surgical room. Unfortunately only one room was available so we put all five of them inside of it—not at all okay, but you gotta do what you gotta do—and then I find out I'm the only available person who can perform surgery.

Naturally this freaks me out for a moment, but I manage to calm down and I get to work. I mean, what choice do I have, right?

So I'm working on these guys for sixteen hours and BOY what a madhouse that surgical room turned into. But guess what?

I SAVED THEM ALL.

It was AMAZING. Even Shizune—when she finished her own surgeries—said she might not have even been able to do that. Tsunade said I had the natural talent of someone who's been doing this for a hundred life times! Isn't that crazy?

It was an awesome day.

The fellows even bought me dinner afterwards. Kakashi was totally jealous of my poly date.

An-y-way, so after that whole fiasco there was a lot of discussion by the higher ups and I got a promotion. I'll be getting my own office and I'll be able to take on my own patients and surgeries SOLO.

Isn't that great?

I know this is earlier than what I would normally send a letter but I just had to tell you.

With all the love,

Sakura

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

A week after I turned fourteen I decided to show Tsunade and Shizune my forehead seal. It was only little after a year since they both started training me so it wasn't a real stretch that I would have it already, and I knew I couldn't keep it hidden forever.

Showing them made me nervous, of course. Both knew it should have been nearly impossible for me to receive it prior to three years but I was in a difficult spot.

I wasn't even sure how I got it.

I could assume it was related to how I knew things I shouldn't have known, but I didn't have much to go on that, either.

The morning I decided to show the two of them I got up extra early and told Kakashi and Tenzō that I was going to talk to the Hokage about something important. Both were instantly interested in what was going on, but since I wouldn't divulge anything further than that they settled on escorting me.

Tsunade and Shizune always did paperwork together from 5 to 8 AM. 6 was the best time to talk to them since they both would have had that extra hour to wake up and not be so grumpy.

I was let in the office without any fuss, and both of my teachers looked up in curiosity at my arrival.

"Morning," I greeted, trying on my usual grin. I held up a basket of freshly baked blueberry muffins. "I brought peace offerings."

"Rum muffins?" Tsunade asked hopefully.

"Blueberry," I apologized, causing a smile from Shizune and a sigh from Tsunade. I placed the basket on the desk, and glanced back at Kakashi and Tenzō. "Well, uh, guess I'll go ahead and start with my news."

I lifted up my hitai-ate. "Lookie what I got."

Both women dropped their muffins as they stared at me in plain disbelief.

"I, uh, I, uh, I guess the Goggle Gods blessed me?" I tried out. "Honestly I have no idea how I got this so soon."

"O-One year?" Shizune squeaked out. "Y-You managed to condense enough chakra in a year?!"

Tsunade immediately stood up from her desk, her right hand covered in green chakra. She placed it over my forehead while Tenzō asked, "What happened?"

"Sh-She has the seal on her forehead!" Shizune stammered. "It took Tsunade three years, a-and I haven't even been able to do it, yet."

Tsunade withdrew her hand, a spark in her eyes. "Unbelievable. My grandmother, Mito, was able to do it in a year, so it's not unheard of per say, but—this is definitely impressive. The really odd thing is that the chakra you gathered to that point is disproportionately spiritual energy. You won't be able to safely use it until you bring in enough physical energy to balance it out, but I can help you with that."

"Spiritual energy?" I echoed and—

"I've always been more there than here."

I blinked as the words whispered to me slipped away. The voice was familiar, but I couldn't place it.

"Yes," Tsunade confirmed, either not noticing my dazed expression or not caring. "That—That could actually explain your knowledge. There's always been a correlation with divination and spiritual energy. It's extremely odd to find someone whose chakra is disproportionately filled with spiritual energy, as most have the perfect ratio of 5:5. I'd put your natural state at 7:2, though."

"Spiritual energy is a lot denser than physical energy. It would make sense if she were able to create a seal so soon if her chakra is naturally inclined like that," Shizune observed, approaching me and also examining the seal.

"Why is my spiritual energy so much stronger?" I asked. "Does it—I mean I get that it's uncommon but how uncommon are we talking here?"

"Maybe one person in half a century?" Tsunade mused. "Due to its rarity it's not something a lot of research as been put into. There are a lot of wild theories about it. Some say those with strong spiritual energy have a connection to death and can share the memories of those who have passed. Another theory is that the mark of strong spiritual energy means they were recently reincarnated. The most popular one is a connection with divination, it can be said that they can see the memories of past and future while they sleep."

"I, uh, I don't remember what I dream about, though."

"But the knowledge slips out when you least expect it," Tsunade reasoned, "through your subconscious, perhaps? What you refer to as the Goggle Gods may very well be your dreams."

All of those reasons sounded... plausible. Certainly better than kekkei genkai since none of them made me cringe with anxiety.

It'd explain the seal at least.

Kakashi cleared his throat. "So what does that mean now?"

Tsunade made a hmm sound, assessing me. "Her knowledge hasn't been wrong, yet. Having an explanation for it gives it more credibility, but—but it's all still very unknown. I'd feel a lot better if I knew exactly how you were getting this information."

"You and me both," I admitted to her.

"I'd like to run tests but that'd be hard to do without drawing Danzou's attention," Tsunade continued, "so for now we keep on the same course."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Sakura,

What a story, that is certainly impressive. Congratulations on your promotion, I'm very happy for you.

I also have big news, but it's not attached to such an interesting story. I was chosen to be the next Kazekage. The ceremony will be held in a month.

I hope you will be allowed to attend. It would be good to have a friend there.

Yours,

Gaara

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"I wanna take the Jōnin test!" I declared to Kakashi and Tenzō one odd morning "The jacket's cooler."

"You want us to nominate you?" Kakashi asked, and I nodded. In order to become a Jōnin you had to recommended by two other Jōnins. Anko would do if she could, but she technically couldn't. Thus, I asked Kakashi and Tenzō.

Tenzō took a drink of his tea. "It's a lot of responsibility. You haven't lead a lot of missions."

"But I've lead shifts and gone on multiple solo surgeries," I pointed out. "Shizune-senpai said I could pass on my medical skills alone. Besides, it's not like I'd be leading a team any time soon anyway. This is purely so that way I can take on more administrative work at the hospital for Shizune-senpai. Tsunade-sensei also said that there was some kind of project she wanted me to work on but couldn't do so until I was Jōnin, ergo..."

The two exchanged glances before Kakashi nodded slowly. "Okay. I'll nominate you."

"I'll do it if you promise not to leave any more lewd fanart around," Tenzō offered.

"Psh. Fine. I'll just keep all the Kisame-sama artwork to myself, then."

"Please do," Kakashi remarked.

"But his beauty is too great not to be shared. It feels like a disservice to the world to not—"

"You want Jōnin or not?" Tenzō asked, raising an eyebrow.

I sighed woefully. "Stinker."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

The actual Jōnin test took barely more than a day. Lot of questions, lot of spars, and a lot of exams. Thankfully I passed on the first try and sported my new jacket the very next day. Hinata gave me a whole bunch of praise, squealing about how proud she was of me.

This, of course, got me to encourage her to take the test and roped Kurenai and Tenzō (I had to bribe him with promises of not hiding under his bed for a month) into giving her a recommendation.

Unsurprisingly she passed.

The two of us went out to celebrate and had a genuinely good time. We didn't get home until around five am, but it was absolutely worth it.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

GAARA

OH MY GOSH I'M SO PROUD AND HAPPY FOR YOU AND OF COURSE I WILL BE THERE EVEN IF I HAVE TO SNEAK OUT.

Giddy with love and happiness,

Sakura

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"You have a project for me?" I asked Tsunade one morning.

Tsunade gave a short nod, tossing me a file. "Yeah."

I flipped open the file, surprised to find it was none other than Kimimaro's file. I looked up at her with wide eyes. "You cured him?"

"Of course," Tsunade said with a huff. "Orochimaru has nothing on me when it comes to healing. It was tricky, of course, took me a whole month to figure it out."

"A month?" I squawked in surprise. "Orochimaru was working on Kimimaro for years."

Tsunade grinned cockily. "Oh? Years? And he didn't cure him?"

"Not even close," I said, impressed. I bowed to her. "You truly astound me, goddess of the heavenly pillars."

"What did I say about talking about them?"

"Not to," I admitted sadly. "But they're so magnificent."

She threw her stapler at me. I knew better than to dodge it, so I let it hit me square on the forehead. Dodging the first thrown item always meant she'd break the desk next, and then proceed to kick my ass up and down a training field for the next hour.

I placed the stapler back on her desk, meekly keeping quiet as my forehead throbbed.

She tossed back her pigtails. "Kimimaro has been healed, and thoroughly interrogated. The issue is... what to do with him. He has a valuable kekkei genkai, so it'd be a waste to kill him. And after all the shit I've been reading about what the past Hokages had done..." her face grimaced briefly into rage and disgust, "I refuse to hand him over to Danzou. I'm not going to be like the second, or third Hokages. I want to keep my grandfather's vision of peace for this village and resolve what I can without bloodshed. This world has seen enough of it already."

Tsunade tapped her fingers on the desk. "But that doesn't leave me with a lot of options. We can seal his chakra away and make him... safe-ish, but simply keeping him locked up—"

"Is something the other Hokages would have done," I finished. "Your grandfather was the type of guy who would have given Kimimaro a chance."

Tsunade nodded, glancing out the window and continuing to tap her fingers on the desk. "Your Gods... do they have an answer?"

"I can help him," I said without thinking.

Tsunade smiled at that. "I somehow thought that might be what you'd say. Okay. We'll seal his chakra and discharge him into your care. The official reason is that you'll be researching into replicating his disease to be weaponized. That'll keep Danzou off our asses. No one else aside from those listed in the file know he's healthy, and I want to keep it that way until... certain factors are taken care of."

I saluted. "Leave it to me."

Tsunade waved me off. "Then take care of it. He's in Cell Block B."

Ooo, boy. Cell Block B was underneath T&I which meant I'd get to say hi to Anko before picking up Bone Boy.

"There is one other thing," Tsunade said as I turned to leave, "due to history and what we found, it was decided that it would be for the best if all of his memories of Orochimaru were locked away once we were done. Unfortunately since Orochimaru was a large part of his life this became a substantial loss to his memories. I'm sure you can understand the effects this would have on him."

I turned back around, scratching my cheek. "If he's not loyal to Orochimaru anymore, then, how come ya have to repress his chakra still?"

"Disloyal to Orochimaru doesn't mean loyal to Konoha."

"Good point. Alright. Well, no worries, I'll take care of it."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

T&I was deep underneath the HQ—where the Jōnin, Chūnin, and Genin commanders worked and a lot of paper shinobi—and required a lot of clearance to get to. As a loyal Chūnin I was allowed to go to the first level, but anything more than that would require special permission. Or, you know, working there.

Which I had to admit was tempting if only for the fact of being able to work beside Anko.

Speaking of which as soon as I entered the first floor the goddess herself stepped off the elevator from the floors below to greet me. She gave me a wicked grin. "A little birdie told me you'd be coming by. Bring the goods?"

I held up the croquembouche.

She mock-shuddered. "Oh. You spoil me."

"These offerings are the least I can do when I get to gaze upon your beauty," I shamelessly flirted.

Anko laughed boisterously at that. "You're always so funny. Alright, follow me."

I gave her a salute, and she took the pastries before leading me through T&I.

"So," I drawled out, "any good ones spotted?"

Anko has been keeping a tally on prisoners with the best asses. As a fellow butt fan I kept an interest in her tally.

"Nothing new. No one's been able to top X, though."

X was a pretty dang famous S-Ranked thief. He was "captured" around the Chūnin Exams but escaped during the chaos. Anko swears he has the best ass she's ever seen.

Obviously I had to disagree with her on that because hello Kakashi existed, but whatever.

"Pity."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Kimimaro, dressed in a plain white shirt and gray pants, looked up at me with tired, scared eyes.

'Orochimaru was a big part of his memory. He's lost years worth of his time, so he's... he's gotta be scared shitless. What's the last thing he remembers? What does he know? Not to mention locking away those memories doesn't mean deleting them. He's probably got some subconscious horrors that he'll have to deal with at one point or another,' I thought, my heart going out to him.

It was a shame, really it was. I'd rather his memories weren't locked away, but I could understand why they chose to do so. Even if Tsunade didn't want to be cruel, she had to put her village first. A loyal member of Orochimaru walking amongst her populace simply wouldn't abide.

Maybe if enough time passed and I could prove he wouldn't harm Konoha she might release the blocks.

I could only hope. It'd definitely help a lot once Orochimaru was dealt with, one way or another.

I gave him the warmest smile I could, wanting to convey my sincere affections. "Hi, Kimimaro. I'm Sakura. I'll be taking care of you."

Kimimaro nodded slowly to show he heard me, but he still looked deeply concerned.

I held out my hand towards him and he flinched back. A glance back at Anko showed her shrugging. "He doesn't remember what happened, but he knows something happened. We took away the worst, but this kiddo's been through a lot."

"Is he scheduled to see a therapist?" I inquired.

"Not at the moment, but I'm sure you can arrange something," she said. "Inoichi still does counseling, even if he's retired from T&I."

"That might be good," I responded, wondering if Inoichi was also the one who put the blocks on Kimimaro. He was the best in the field, so it wouldn't surprise me. "Yeah, I'll set him up for weekly visits."

I knew the importance of seeking professional help. Especially over PTSD, which is what Kimimaro will likely be dealing with. I may not be one to easily seek help, but I wasn't stupid. I knew what I did wasn't healthy, and that I'd probably pay a price for it later but that was a problem for future me.

There was no reason for Kimimaro not to get the help he needs. Obviously I'd do my best, but I wasn't a professional at it. Maybe if we had access to Naruto 24/7 we could do it on our own, but without Therapy-no-Jutsu? Regular therapy would have to do.

I squatted down beside Kimimaro, offering out my hand once again, palm up. "It's okay. I promise I'm not going to hurt you. I'm here to take you away from here, and you're gonna live with me for a while."

Kimimaro watched me warily, his eyes flickering between my hand and my face. I kept up my smile, doing my absolute best to convey how non-threatening I was to him.

After several minutes Kimimaro took my hand, and I easily pulled him up. I gave his hand a good squeeze. "C'mon. I've got plenty of sweaters and comfy clothes that'll fit you at home. I'll whip up dinner and we'll have a grand time."

Kimimaro once more slowly nodded. I gave a slight tug on his hand, and he followed behind me.

He didn't speak no matter what I asked. He nodded, or he shook his head. He flinched when people got too close, and he looked at everything with wild eyes. When we finally got to my home the poor thing was trembling from overstimulation and anxiety, and I took him to our final spare bedroom. Tenzō, Kakashi, and I occupied the bedrooms upstairs. I had set up an extra bedroom in the basement in case Naruto, or Hinata, ever needed to stay with me.

Or, ya know, it was always good to have a basement room in case of tornados and whatnot. Since Land of Fire was in the equivalent of the American Midwest we got wild weather and plenty of tornadoes. Konoha hadn't been hit by one in decades but it didn't hurt to be prepared.

Kimimaro didn't argue when I took him to the basement. He actually looked relieved to be in a more secure room, rather than out in the open.

I showed him his bed, gave him a fresh pair of comfy clothes: a white hand knitted sweater along with dark green sweaters, and thick wooly socks.

"Mine?" he whispered, looking at the clothes.

"All of this is yours, honey," I assured him, gesturing towards the entire bedroom. It wasn't immaculate since I was, you know, on a budget, but it was decent. A twin bed with nice blankets, and a good memory-foam pillow. There was a dresser off to the side, along with a desk and chair. I kept extra books down stairs—mostly texts I didn't want to get damaged in case Brightheart ever got into a teething or destructive phase—along with storage boxes.

I sheepishly scratched my cheek. "I know it's not much, and you're welcome to move stuff out if you don't want it here. We'll get you better stuff later on, I promise."

"N-No, this is fine," Kimimaro said quietly, running his hands over the sweater. "Th-Thank you."

"Any time, sweetheart. I'm going to head upstairs to make dinner. Let me know if you want anything in particular."

Kimimaro nodded at that, but didn't voice any preferences.

Luckily I had his data memorized and knew what his favorite foods were.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Given my ties to Gaara, my apprenticeship to Tsunade, my status as a badass Jōnin doctor, and my "oddly charismatic charm" I was elected as the leader of the delegation team sent to Sunagakure for Gaara's coronation.

Coming along as my escorts were Kakashi, Tenzō, and at my recommendation Hinata's team.

(Hinata was primarily chosen because Kakashi pointed out that she apparently could "leash me in". Pfft.)

The six of us headed off, easily making the journey to Sungakure in less than three days.

And there... awaiting us at the gates...!

"Gaara!" I squealed with delight as soon as I saw the familiar mop of adorable red hair. I sprinted away from my group, running straight towards the Kazekage-to-be and throwing myself at him. Some of his escorts tensed up, scowling at me with open distaste, but Temari only rolled her eyes and motioned for them to relax.

Gaara awkwardly patted my back as I nuzzled him. "I missed you."

"It is good to see you again in person, Sakura," Gaara calmly remarked. "You must all be tired from your journey."

The rest of my group met up with us, Kakashi politely answering Gaara, "We're honored you invited us to attend, Kazekage-sama."

Gaara waved him off. "I am glad Sakura could come. It is good to have a friend there."

"I'm so happy for you, Gaara," I told him.

"Thank you. Temari, please escort our guests to their lodgings. Sakura, come with me. I believe I promised I would take you sand surfing when you got here."

I squealed with delight.

"Sakura-chan, don't stay out too late," Hinata chided me.

"Of course, sweetie," I reassured her. "Gaara will have me back before curfew, right?"

"No."

The delegation laughed, thinking he was joking.

He was not.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

We could only stay in Suna for a week, unfortunately, but what a delightful time we had while there. Or at least me and Hinata had a blast.

Gaara or his siblings were our main escorts—with Gaara escorting me as often as he could in between his duties—and we really got to see the beauty of Sunagakure through them. Gaara was finally able to show me his favorite little spots he briefly described in his letters, as well as his garden, and food stalls he liked. The big sweetie was obviously unused to socializing, and was more than happy to let me do most of the talking. Hinata accompanied us on most visits—likely to make sure I didn't do something too crazy which I would never—and I knew she had fun doing so.

The actual coronation was lackluster and filled with dry speeches. The party afterwards was an alcohol-filled blast—not that I was allowed to have any because Kakashi was a stinker butt—and then we had to head back to Konoha.

Not before Gaara made me promise to come back when I could.

All in all 10/10, would sand surf again.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Kimimaro was a silent shadow in the home. He didn't like to leave his room too much—forcing me to come down and eat dinner with him to make sure he had some socializing—and getting him to go to therapy was like taking a toddler to the dentist.

When he did venture out of his room, it was only to sit quietly and watch me work on poisons, do yoga, or cook. Sometimes he would bring up one of the old texts I kept down there and read it beside me, or Tenzō (who he had magically bonded with. Tenzō also took a liking to Kimimaro, which I had to wonder if maybe the tree baby was sympathetic towards another person whose life was wrecked by Orochimaru).

Brightheart adored him, though, doing sweet little yips every time she saw him and wagging her stubbed tail. This always got a small smile out of the pale boy.

He never initiated conversation, and was never rude when someone did try to talk to him. It seemed like he simply didn't know what to say most of the time.

But that was fine. He needed time, and that was something I could give him.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

The last six months before Naruto came back was spent in a blur of training, letters, and taking care of Kimimaro. I worked a ton at the hospital, coming home to a shy Kimimaro trying to make dinner (he eventually learned not to set the food on fire). Kakashi, Tenzō, and I would do some light training in the back and then off to bed I went.

On the weekends I alternated between training with Tsunade to balance out the ratio in my Strength of a Hundred seal, and taking care of Kimimaro after his therapy visit (he did indeed go see Inoichi, so I chatted with Ino during the appointments).

And then, low and behold, we got the letter that would be the start of changing Shippuden for the better.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Dear Sakura,

I know you're a good doctor, and you've done an excellent job running Konoha's hospital for the past year and a half. Sunagakure has undergone a lot of training, especially in our medical department and right now I think they could use your assistance. I would like for you to help them.

Yours,

Gaara.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Dear Gaara,

I'm already on my way.

Love,

Sakura

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

BONUS

Dear Kisame-sama,

Happy birthday! While I wish I could be with you in person to shower you with love and affection, I hope you will accept these presents in my absence.

Always faithful,

Sakura

Kisame stared down at the letter he was reading, temporarily ignoring the two neatly wrapped boxes beside him. He and Itachi were currently resting on the porch of a small tea shop on their way to their next destination. It was odd Sakura's hawk had managed to find him at all, but that line of questioning didn't really matter to him. Kisame wasn't one for hiding his intentions so it was possible someone had spotted him nearby and she guessed where he was going.

The hawk really only needed an approximate destination and a description of the target in order to deliver.

Still...

"Is she insane?" Kisame asked Itachi, completely serious.

"No more than you."

Kisame didn't know how to respond to that, so he sighed. He opened up the first package carefully, genuinely baffled and curious as to what was behind that odd girl's motives. Itachi said she was sincere in her affections, but why?

He was a thirty something year old missing nin from an enemy village, and she was, what, thirteen? He was more than twice her age. And, you know, her enemy.

Inside the first box was a beautifully decorated cake with the words Happy Birthday, Kisame-sama written on them.

Kisame peered at the cake, noting its delectable smell. He couldn't smell any poison coming from it—not that it mattered much since he had acquired an impressive poison resistance from being a Kiri ANBU, and he had an assortment of antidotes in his bag—but that didn't mean it was safe.

He thought about simply throwing it out, but, well... where was the fun in that?

Deciding it might fun to try, he stuck his finger inside and pulled out a small piece. He licked it off his finger, and his eyes widened. "What the fuck, this is great? Itachi, you gotta try this."

Not knowing about Itachi's weakness to sweet food, Kisame held out his birthday cake. Itachi eyed it with a look of disdain for a moment before taking a small piece of it to try. He ate it thoughtfully. "It is acceptable."

"Acceptable my ass, this is fantastic! I'm going to see if I can get a fork for this, but first..." Kisame set aside his birthday cake and opened up the other box.

The first thing he saw was dark blue cloth that he pulled out. It was incredibly soft to the touch, and when he pulled it out entirely he realized it was a sweater that looked like it would fit him perfectly. He fingered the material for a couple more seconds, marveling at how soft and warm it felt.

He set that aside for a quick second to see what else was inside. There were two more sweaters, one black and the other gray with a sewn shark on the front of it. There were a couple hats, several pairs of socks, and—

"Oh, sweet," Kisame breathed out, reaching inside and pulling out a see-through box filled with delightful treats. "Wow, look at these Itachi."

Itachi definitely wanted to try some of those sweets, but wouldn't dare admit to such. "They look fine."

"Fine," Kisame repeated, "Fah! Here, you check all the food for poison. I'm gonna try on this sweater."

Kisame got up from his seat, and headed a bit off into the forest to change out. When he came back he found Itachi idly munching on some of the goodies inside, and a couple slices of his birthday cake already laid out for him. Kisame patted his incredibly soft sweater. "Fits perfectly."

"That is good," Itachi remarked. "There aren't many clothes that fit you."

"Yeah," Kisame admitted, looking down at the sweater. "This'll come in great when we go to those damn snowy mountains next week."

"Mm-hmm."

Kisame sat back down next to Itachi, a sliced up birthday cake in between them. "So... she was serious?"

"From what I could tell."

"Huh."

Itachi took a sip of his tea. "Indeed."

Kisame blinked, then tossed his partner a half-hearted glare. "Don't get the wrong idea, Itachi. Accepting this stuff doesn't mean she's won me over, or anything. I'd kill her in a heartbeat if she got in our way."

Itachi looked back at his partner, blinking once slowly. "I'm not here to judge."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Next year on his birthday Kisame was once again to surprised to find two more packages awaiting him. The first one had another birthday cake that was just as great as last year, and the second was filled with more handmade clothes, goodies, and a tiny little plush doll of himself in his Akatsuki uniform. There was even a Samehada attached to it.

Amused, Kisame decided that a thank you might not be so out of place this time.

The next post office they they passed by Kisame sent back the plush toy to one Sakura Haruno... except he signed his name on the Samehada along with a brief thank you.

Itachi only raised an eyebrow at the action, so Kisame snapped at him to shut up to which the Uchiha replied: "I'm not here to judge."

When Sakura received her gift, her scream of joy and delight along with her prompt fainting from being overly excited scared the living shit out of her roommates.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

OHO BUT THE CHAPTER AIN'T OVER YET! Part two: BOY TOY!

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

The trip to Sunagakure went by quickly. Tenzō, Kakashi, and I were able to move pretty quick, so we got there in under three days.

Unfortunately we still got there a tad too late.

At the entrance of Sunagakure was a plethora of armed guards, something completely out of the ordinary and causing us to approach them cautiously.

One of the guards recognized me—pink hair pays off—and shouted at someone in the back to get Baki.

When the tree of us reached the gates, the guards stopped us from entering and asked us to wait for Baki. I had a good feeling about what was going on, but I bit my inner cheek to keep from jumping the gun. THere was always the chance that something different played out, after all.

Baki came to us barely a few minutes later, pale, and anxious. Not that it was easy to tell because he was a professional and all, but I knew him well enough to spot the tells. Baki said, "The Akatsuki have come for Gaara. We cannot let you into the city until our Kazekage is retrieved."

"THen we'll go bring him back," I said, glancing over at Kakashi who gave a slow nod. "Don't worry. The Goggle Gods have blessed us."

"We'll head out immediately," Tenzō assured Baki. "If you would please send a message to Konoha for us?"

"Of course. Thank you—"

"Psh. I'd do anything for someone in my harem," I dismissed, turning on my heel and sprinting off.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Kakashi summoned his good puppies to track down the Akatsuki. Within eight hours of running we came across where Sasori, my Boy Toy, had completely bitch slapped Kankurō down.

I kneeled in front of Kankurō, gently touching his cheek as I sent in probing chakra.

A few minutes of silent examining and I had my conclusion. The answer actually came into my head without much thought, and I bit down on the tip of my thumb before I summoned Gedo and Doku.

~How may we assist?~ Gedo inquired gently.

"Gedo, please make an antidote combining recipes G and S. Doku, please make the poison for Boy Toy," I instructed, pulling out some packaged berries. "Then give the poison to Ibuse for him to mix up. Let him know I'll be summoning him in about five hours or so. Ah—but have him first prepare K Trap."

The salamanders nibbled on the berries given. Doku disappeared in a puff of smoke to make his poison, while Gedo hung around. It took her three minutes to mix up the concoction in her belly before she squirted it out into a glass tube from a single tooth on the roof of her mouth. She filled up the glass tube I held out for her before she took her leave.

"Alright puppet boy, time to take your medicine," I said to myself, pulling Kankurō up into my lap. I pulled out from my fanny pack a reach tube—what was used to make sure patients could take oral medicine without choking—and easily shoved it in. He gagged and reflexively struggled, but he was too weak to do much more than shudder and wheeze.

I poured the antidote down the tube, then pulled everything back out.

"Ta-da. He's all better now," I declared. "My beloved, won't you please summon Bull to carry this tired baby home?"

Kakashi made an acknowledging noise as he summoned Bull. "Should you prepare any extra antidotes?"

"Not necessary. I'm going to defeat Sasori within the first ten seconds."

"You aren't going to flood the area with Krait's Kiss, right?" Tenzō asked worriedly, undoubtedly recalling the time I accidentally bombed a civilian zone with the poison and we had to spend the next hour administering antidotes to seizing victims.

Whoops.

"No, no, that won't be needed," I reassured him. "In fact, nothing I use will affect the living so please be at ease."

"Is Sasori a zombie?" Kakashi asked, a part of him wondering why he wasn't surprised by that possibility.

"Yes and no."

"How?"

I only grinned in response.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Since we were definitely gonna make it to Gaara before the summoning was complete it was no surprise the Akatsuki sent out a clone of one of the members to slow us down.

Given who was pursuing Gaara (me!), it was obvious about who to send out to stop us.

Sadly for them they didn't realize the depth of my fangirl devotion.

"KISAME-SAMA!" I screamed with delight, sprinting headlong towards the greatest man to have ever existed in the history of forever. I threw my arms open, tears in my eyes.

"Hello, Sakura-chan," Kisame greeted cheerfully. "The cake was great, thanks."

I swooned, fanning myself with my hands. "Y-You like my cooking?"

"Yeah. Sweater fits good, too."

"I will make a hundred sweaters for you if you asked," I declared passionately, throwing myself at him and hugging him. He was too big to hug properly, and he was only a clone, but still.

"Sakura, can you try not to hug the Akatsuki?" Kakashi tiredly asked. Tenzō was rubbing his temple, trying to comprehend my level of absurdity.

"He's only with the Akatsuki for now," I dismissed, starting to nuzzle into his side.

That got some raised eyebrows from my companions.

Kisame absently patted my head. "You'll be good and stay here, won't you?"

I whimpered. "I can't. I have to save you!"

Kisame blinked. "Save me?"

"If I don't do this, then you commit suicide later," I told him. "I have to save my boy toy now, and Gaara, so I can save you later."

Kisame scratched his cheek. "I don't need saving, kiddo."

"It's okay to be a damsel in distress, honey," I soothed. "I'll be your prince charming."

Kisame laughed at that, picked me up off him. "You're funny. I'd hate to have to kill you, but if you aren't going to stay put—"

"All my best friends try to kill me at least once," I comforted him. "Kakashi tries to kill me on a daily basis. I won't hold it against you for trying to kill me, I promise."

"What a good sport you are."

"If you do manage to kill me can I haunt you?"

"Sure, kiddo."

"You won't hold it against me if I stop you, right?" I asked him worriedly.

"Nah," Kisame said. "I'd be impressed if you did."

"Oh, good!"

I promptly substituted myself for a nearby log—sorry for logging you, Kisame-sama!—and slammed my hand down onto the ground to summon Ibuse.

My Big Boy immediately belched out a thick white poison that covered the entire area. It was thick enough I couldn't see in front of my face, but that didn't matter. It also stank like rotting flesh, but that was fine too.

When the smoke cleared—which took a solid three minutes given how dense it was despite the fact that we were outside—Kisame was frozen stiff and my fellow comrades were coughing.

"What was that?" Tenzō asked. "Do we need to take an antidote?"

"Not unless you're a corpse," I told him, approaching Kisame. "Sorry, Kisame-sama. This is a poison mostly comprised of saprotrophic fungi, and it applies through contact. Since you're not the real Kisame-sama and just a corpse being possessed by chakra..."

Kisame couldn't speak, so he settled for staring at me.

I apologized again. "I'm sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you later. Tell the others I said hi!"

I slit the clones throat to cancel the jutsu, and boy did that feel awkward.

With a sigh, I watched the clone dissolve away. "Silly Akatsuki. Don't they know I'd do anything for the betterment of those I love? Even if that means kicking some ass."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

We eventually made it to our destination. It was in a secluded section with tall trees, big beautiful cliffs, and a running river that glistened with sparkling water. The Akatsuki, Sasori and Deidara, had kidnapped Gaara and brought him into a large cave prepared special for the extraction of Shukaku. The cave rested at the bottom of a large cliffside with a shallow river running in front of it.

Blocking the cave entrance was a massive boulder, bigger than my house, and a seal no bigger than my hand.

Of course it wasn't a simple seal, though, as Kakashi and Tenzō would soon realize.

"This is a five point seal—" Kakashi looked over at me. "Did you prepare for this?"

"I did," I admitted, summoning Shin. "Shin can disintegrate seals."

v-How may I help, Sakura-sama?-v Shin inquired as he appeared.

I gestured towards the seal high atop the boulder and with a wag of his tail he walked up the boulder and placed a clawed hand on the seal. Since it was a pretty strong seal it'd take him at least half an hour to destroy.

"Get your stretches in, everyone!" I warned my teammates. "I'm going balls deep immediately."

"Or you could not," Tenzō suggested.

"How long have you known Sakura now?" Kakashi questioned, looking at Tenzō in disbelief.

"I can still hope that one day sanity will return to her," Tenzō pointed out.

"That's impossible."

"Nothing's impossible," I argued. "People would say a fifteen year old girl having a harem would be impossible, but I'm living proof."

"I try hard not to think about that little fact about you," Kakashi politely informed me.

"Why? I think it's great."

"You think everything is great."

"That's not true—"

"He's right," Tenzō agreed, causing Kakashi to nod. "You would think the resurrection of Uchiha Madara was great."

"Well, duh. How is that not the best thing in the whole dang world?"

The two gave me a very, very tired look.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

When Shin dissolved the seal he disappeared in a puff of smoke. I took a running start before I leapt up at the boulder, gathering a decent amount of chakra into my fist.

I slammed through the boulder, jumping in as the pieces fell to the ground. I greeted the Akatsuki with a big smile and a wave of my arms. "HI EVERYONE!"

The cave was massive on the inside, and completely dark. The only light filtering in was from the hole I only just made. Ten Akatsuki members—only two of them physically here with us in the cave—stood atop some rock formations, surrounding Gaara as they forcibly dragged out Shukaku's chakra.

"Goddamnit, Fish Face, fucking control your fangirl!" Hidan howled.

"Fangirl, please control yourself," Kisame deadpanned.

"I can't," I insisted, "I mean I see you and I just lose control."

"Sasori... Deidara..." Pein drawled out, "deal with them."

The sealing now disrupted—Gaara fell to the ground, unconscious—the Akatsuki holograms disappeared.

I summoned Ibuse promptly, and he bellowed out purple gas that filled up the whole cave. "Sorry for cheating, Sasori-chan!"

"You really think your lame poison is gonna work on me and Sasori-no-danna?" Deidara taunted through the poison, his voice coming through distorted. It sounded like he had equipped a breathing mask on. Which was pretty impressive how quickly he got it on.

"That's just rude. I know for a fact my poison is not lame," I brilliantly retorted, uncaringly marching through the smoke towards Sasori. "And I also know for a fact it already did work. Isn't that right, my sweet little boy toy?"

But of course Sasori couldn't move. This was a poison made just for him that I had been working on for the past couple years.

The beautiful combination of necrotizing fasciitis (flesh eating bacteria), armillaria spp (honey mushroom), conium maculatum (hemlock), consolida subgenus (larkspur), and a whole bunch of other fun stuff.

Inventing poisons was fun!

Unfortunately for Sasori the poison was literally made to paralyze corpses made of flesh and wood. All of the main herbs had been mutated enough not to be harmful to live flesh, so it was fine for us to breathe in. But for Sasori?

By the time the poison cleared I had arrived at my destination: right in front of Sasori. Deidara's eyes were wide when he realized how close I had casually walked up. I gave Hiruko an affection pat on the cheek and winked at Deidara. "See? Not lame at all. I've already immobilized Sasori."

"H—"

"Now you're facing a poison mistress who out-poisoned your partner, and two S-Ranked Jōnin," I said cheerfully. "I think, if I were you, I'd run away now."

"As if you'd—"

"We won't stop you," I promised him. "We're only here for Sasori and Gaara. Fly away now, little sweetie, and tell Kisame-sama I said hi."

Deidara glowered at me, his cheeks flushing before he clicked his teeth and said, "I'm not about to leave my partner."

"You're so admirable," I complimented sincerely. "Ibuse?"

Ibuse leapt up from the ground underneath Sasori, eating him whole before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Deidara only had a split second to stare at the spot where his partner used to be, before he leapt up into the air and summoned one of his clay birds.

We watched him soar away for a moment, Tenzō casually approaching me. "Why are we letting him go, again?"

"He needs to escape now so he can slow Duck-Butt down later," I explained. "Otherwise he gets to Itachi too soon and if that happens I can't always save them."

"We've eliminated one of the Akatsuki members and saved the Kazekage," Kakashi said, shoving his hands in his pockets, "without really expending much effort. Deidara is a volatile enemy with a very dangerous suicide jutsu. We want to avoid fighting him whenever possible."

"That, too."

"I guess I can't argue with Kakashi-senpai's logic," Tenzō allowed. "How's the Kazekage?"

"Let me see," I said cheerfully, skipping over to the cutie patootie that was Gaara. I squatted down beside him, probing his chakra with my own. There was a definite reaction from his chakra... and Shukaku's chakra. I grinned widely. "Oh, yay, we saved my Tsundere-Yandere!" This deserved a small round of applause, so I clapped for myself. "Yippee! Both are gonna be fine, but they'll definitely be tired for a couple weeks. Let's get 'em back to Sunagakure."

"Shukaku is still with him?" Kakashi questioned, frowning behind his mask. "Won't they come back for him?"

"No," I immediately answered. "They took enough for their silly plan. Poor, sweet, Shukaku... must have been very painful." I gently reached down and kissed Gaara's forehead, knowing Shukaku was still aware of what was going on outside of Gaara's body. "Don't worry, sweetheart, we'll keep you safe."

The trip back to Suna was uneventful, although we had a grand celebration upon returning. Gaara woke up halfway through the festivities and tiredly joined in. He thanked us in private, but I told him that was completely unnecessary because I would always have his back.

We had a great time, and then the following morning we headed back to Konoha, where I knew Naruto ought to be waiting for us.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Not that we got a chance to really visit Naruto when we got back since we got back around two in the morning. We dropped off our initial mission report at the office before heading home. Kimimaro was still awake and reading in the living room. The gentle boy gave us a tiny greeting before retreating back to his room. Tenzō and Kakashi headed off to bed (after taking a long bath—separately of course because they were party poopers).

I, on the other hand, stayed up in my kitchen.

Not because I wasn't tired and couldn't sleep. Not even because I was hungry.

I was waiting for someone.

So I got myself a cup of strong tea, took a seat, and patiently waited.

One hour, twenty-two minutes, and seventeen seconds later my guest arrived.

Sasori appeared in my kitchen between one blink and the next. He was still in his Akatsuki uniform, though.

The red-haired man looked around my kitchen before his gaze settled on me. His expression remained stoic even as he coldly said, "You."

"Me," I said in return, smiling sweetly at him. "Hello."

"Who are you, really? What game are you playing?" Sasori demanded, his voice coming out in a frosty growl.

"I'm Sakura Haruno," I introduced myself, "and I'm here to save your life."

"What?" he hissed out.

"I'm Sakura Haruno," I repeated, "and I'm here to save your life."

"I heard you the first time, you insane brat," Sasori snapped. "Are you delusional? I don't need saving—wh—where are we?"

"This is my kitchen." I gestured. "I'm here in my kitchen, and you... Well, you might be a bit harder to explain."

Sasori's eyes narrowed.

"Physically you're in the realm of the In Between, where the Salamanders live," I explained, "and they placed you in something called the Spirit Prison. You'll body will stay in a perfect stasis there while your spirit may join the Salamander Summoner: me."

I placed my head in my hands as I smiled at Sasori. "Don't worry. You'll be safe and sound there. I won't let anyone hurt you."

"You'll keep me captive against my will, though? What for? What do you want?" Gosh if looks could kill Sasori would have me dead ten times over.

"Only for a year," I reassured him. "I'm doing this to make sure you stay alive. I don't need anything from you, except your time."

"You honestly expect me to believe you?" Sasori demanded.

"No. But that doesn't matter," I dismissed. "I'll always do what I can for the people I love."

That got an incredulous look.

I blew him a kiss. "Welp. I'm off to bed, my boy toy. Love you!"

Ooo boy did he wanna kill me, judging by that delicious killing intent oozing off him.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

And that's how I do a time skip.

The boy toy is back bay-beh! Let's give a warm round of applause for Sasori, the Best Boy Toy.

A couple things before I head off...

One – I'm closing my fanfiction inbox. The harassment was starting to get out of hand and FanFiction doesn't offer a good way to filter / block those kinds of messages, so I said fuck it and closed it. I will be keeping my tumblr open for all those who want to contact me.

Two – My first draft of my story is done! I hit 345 pages and right now it is currently being edited. I hope to have it ready for publishing in the spring. The first three chapters are posted on Wattpad, and all concept art for it is on my tumblr Magic-of-Dawn-Official.

Answer: Mass Effect, actually. Andromeda got some ridiculous hate upon release over things that were fixed up soon enough. But the amount of hate it got from critics caused the company to stop updating the game for patches, DLC, sequels, etc... But the ME fanbase hasn't given up and fans are keeping the game alive by making their own patches, fixes, and updates for the game. The real fans of Mass Effect are keeping it going, and that says a lot. Side note: Dragon Age was a very close second, but they haven't had to literally keep the game alive on their own so...

Question: What kind of story would you like to be a part of? Action? Romance? Who would you want to be? Villain, Hero, or the side character that gets his/her own happy ending? What would be your story's twist?

Reviews are love!