This chapter is dedicated to dear Cantrona. ^-^ Thank you for your support and once more happy belated birthday.

"Today I will be as useless as the G in lasagna."

-Anonymous

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Warning: This is a crack story, with a morally ambiguous protagonist.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"Well, I wasn't there for the exams, but there were many opinions of support for you all," Tsunade began.

I stood in between Sasuke and Naruto, with Hinata next to Naruto, and Shikamaru next to her. We were all in Tsunade's office, bright and early a few days after our team had returned from the mission in the Land of Tea.

Tsunade's amber eyes swept over each of us before they settled on Sasuke. "Sasuke, you were clever in the first part of the exam, using deceit to steal the answers. In the second part your team cleared the stage within twenty four hours, a feat not to be dismissed so easily. You were decisive in your preliminary match, and displayed combat skills of at least Chūnin rank. While it was a shame the final round concluded before we could see more of your skill, your teacher gave enough of a recommendation for you that the council agreed with your promotion. Congratulations.

"Sakura. You saw through the first exam, barely phased from Ibiki's intense psychological warfare. You single-handedly eliminated half of your competition in the second stage, and showed tactical planning and impressive combat skills in your preliminary match, as well as in the final rounds. You have earned your promotion. Congratulations.

"Naruto. Luck got you through the first round, but you proved your combat skills were Chūnin level when you faced against Kiba. You did not sustain a single injury in the final round because you did not need to reveal yourself to your enemy. I have personally seen you in combat, and you certainly have the charisma to lead a team. With Kakashi's recommendation, and my own, it is agreed you will be promoted. Congratulations.

"Hinata. Your boldness and loyalty for fellow shinobi is impressive, especially as it contradicts academy reports. Your growth has caught the eyes of many, and the fact that you were able to lead your team through the second stage was not unnoticed. You dealt with an opponent that, on paper, should have easily beaten you. You won, though. You have a critical mind, impressive taijutsu skills, and the courage and loyalty to lead. You have earned your promotion. Congratulations.

"Shikamaru. You saw through the first exam, and lead your team to victory in the second stage. You were decisive in your preliminary match, and you understood when it was time to surrender in the final round. Asuma highly recommends you for a promotion, citing that you have already lead your team through difficult missions, and are more than ready for the responsibility of Chūnin. You have been promoted. Congratulations."

The sheer amount of pride that rolled off of everyone in that room was stunning.

Tsunade waved her hand over to a stack of flaks on her desk. "Take your flak and leave. Ah, Sakura, stay behind."

Naruto and Sasuke glanced over at me and I gave them a big smile. "Let's meet up for breakfast, okay?"

"'Kay." Naruto gave me a thumbs up. "C'mon, angsty boy. Let's have ramen for breakfast!"

Sasuke slugged Naruto. "We're not eating ramen for breakfast."

As my teammates filed out—and Hinata gave me a beaming smile before she left—I turned back towards Tsunade. "How can I help the pretty lady?"

"Shizune has been talking up a storm," Tsunade said slowly. "I'm not in the mood for another full-time apprentice, but I suppose I can train you during free time. Shizune will oversee your training the rest of the time."

I bowed to her. "I would love any assistance you can provide, Tsunade-sama."

"Good. It's not for free." Tsunade then gave me a rather evil grin. "Since your entire team has been promoted to Chūnin, team 7 is technically dissolved. You'll still go on missions, of course, because you were trained to work well together, but I have something different in mind. You told Shizune you wanted to continue training with Kakashi no matter what, yes?"

"That's correct," I agreed. "I love him."

"We know," Tsunade dismissed, her smile no less evil. "So you would not object to a permanent partnership with him?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Good. When he gets back you can tell him the good news youself."

I squealed. "This is like a dream come true."

"It'll teach him to report late to me," Tsunade muttered under her breath. Then she smirked. "When he gets back I'll have a mission for you two to go on."

"Just the two of us?" I asked, utterly delighted.

"Yep."

Shizune coughed to try and cover up her laugh. "Ah, I do hope you tell that porn-reading per—I mean, Kakashi the great news while near a camera."

"I'll see if I can rope Naruto and Sasuke into helping me with that. It's the least I can do," I told her.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

I met up with my teammates at Ichiraku, unsurprised to find Naruto's stubbornness won out in the end. I slid into a seat beside Naruto, and waved cheerfully at Teuchi. Naruto slurped loudly before greeting me. "Hey Sakura-chan!

"What did the Hokage want to talk to you about?" Sasuke asked me.

"Well, since we're all Chūnin Team 7 is technically disbanded," I answered. "So Tsunade-sama, in her great wisdom, decided to partner me up with Kakashi-sensei indefinitely."

Both boys choked on their food, then Naruto started howling with laughter. He pounded the counter and clutched at his gut, and even Sasuke was struggling to suppress his wheezing laughter.

"Please," Naruto begged me, "let me be there when you tell him."

"Tsunade-sama requested a recording of it. What say you two assist me in such?"

"We certainly can't deny a request from our Hokage," Sasuke said with a small grin.

The three of us enjoyed a good laugh, anticipating Kakashi's return. We spent the rest of the breakfast setting up a grand plan of how to get the whole thing on video, and what to do for maximum impact.

We merrily chatted for a couple more hours after that before we decided to head our separate ways to train. I headed home to check up on Brightheart and try brewing a new recipe Anko so kindly gave to me.

When I came through my front door Brightheart gave a happy bark and hobbled over to greet me. I bent over and kissed her nose. I scratched the good girl behind her ears then changed into some stretchy and comfortable clothes so I could do yoga in between brewing processes.

It felt like one of those good days. I got a promotion. I got to be partnered with Kakashi for the rest of our lives. I got to enjoy a wonderful breakfast with my friends.

And now I got to relax at home with my puppy, and make poisons.

What a great day.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

My forehead woke me up that night.

It itched and burned to a rather significant degree that it jolted me awake from my sleep. I reached up a hand to scratch at it, confused why the center of it felt so incredibly uncomfortable. My scratching did nothing to appease the itch, and then after another minute of solid discomfort the sensation went away.

That's weird, I thought.

Brightheart stirred beside me, the sweet puppy nuzzling deeper into my side and giving a tiny bark in doing so. My gaze softened and I reached out and pulled the covers further over her. She slept in the same bed as me, and loved it when I tucked her into bed. A quick glance at my clock told me it was a little before midnight.

Despite it being so late I felt wide awake. There was a nagging thought in the back of my head.

Something was definitely off.

'Did I leave a burner on?' I carefully got out of bed, taking mind not to wake up my little heater. I put on my fluffy bunny slippers and an even fluffier robe before I headed downstairs into my dining room-turned-brewing room. I examined my equipment with sharp eyes before confirming that nothing was amiss with them. I headed into the kitchen next, then to my front garden.

Nothing at home seemed off.

So why was there a wiggling thought worming its way through my mind?

What was wrong?

I decided to go for a run around Konoha. Maybe I would see something that would catch my eye.

I changed into my training gear (flexible and breathy shorts with a comfortable training bra—perfect for dealing with the crazy hot summer days in Konoha), then tied my headband in the same manner as canon!Sakura, and slipped on my worn sandals then headed out.

Nothing immediately caught my eye.

I jogged at an easy pace, my gaze sweeping across the street in search of an explanation to why I felt so odd. My forehead itched again, and I ignored it. I circled around Naruto's apartment before heading to Kakashi's, then Sasuke's place. I felt Naruto sleeping soundly in his home, and of course I didn't sense Kakashi in his apartment.

Oddly enough I didn't sense Sasuke at his place, either.

For some reason that bugged me.

So I tried to reach out with my sensing ability and search for that familiar staticky feeling I got from Sasuke. I sprinted as I searched, trying to cover as much ground as I could.

I almost missed him.

Maybe if I hadn't been so perturbed about his absence I wouldn't have been so hyper focus to his signature.

When I found him, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, releasing the seals in the process.

I stumbled to a stop when I saw him.

He had a backpack slung over his shoulders, and his hands shoved into his pocket.

I recognized immediately what was happening; a keen sense of sadness fell over me before I brushed it aside. I ran up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and causing him to pause and look at me.

I smiled at him. "Going to Orochimaru?"

He looked up at the stars. "Goggle Gods?"

"Something like that, I guess," I allowed, finding it odd I had coincidentally awoken on the night he left. "I know you have to go. At least for a little bit. The Curse Mark you have isn't fully complete, and you need to finish it before it kills you. The Sound Four will take you to him."

Sasuke nodded slightly, closing his eyes. "I have to go."

"Sort of," I admitted. "I have to tell Naruto and the others when dawn hits. They have to procrastinate your arrival, because if you arrive too soon then Orochimaru will take over your body and you will die. You'll never see your brother again."

Sasuke turned towards me, a slight frown on his face. "And then?"

"Orochimaru destroys Konoha." The words came out of my mouth and I grimaced.

'How do I know that?' I wondered.

Kekkei genkai.

'It's not a kekkei genkai.'

Sasuke's face paled a little at that, but he did an impressive job of displaying apathy.

"You don't have to go to home," I continued. "When we delay the Sound Four, you will get a chance to fight Naruto for real. When that battle is over you'll have the choice to come back home, or go to Orochimaru."

"What happens if I go to him? What happens if I stay?"

"If you go to him, you will get the training you want," I admitted. "You will become strong. Naruto and I will find you in about three years, and you will get your fight with Itachi. But those three years are going to be hard on you; Orochimaru is every bit the mad scientist the world makes him out to be. He's going to want you to do things you don't want to do, and you'll never be comfortable there. You won't be happy. Stay here, though, and you get the training you want, but it'll take longer. You will get to face Itachi though, and you'll be happy."

Sasuke shifted uneasily, his eyes drifting back up at the stars. Silence fell between us, as I wondered how such a lovely day had taken a rather sour turn.

"Sasuke, you understand best what you need," I finally said. "What you've been through—I have no way of truly understanding your pain. Of course I want you to stay, but I can't honestly say it's the best choice for you. Yes, Orochimaru is a mad scientist, but he's a genius. Maybe you need a different perspective, maybe you need that immediate gratification for power. I don't know. What I do know is that no matter what you choose: I'm still here for you. I will support your happiness as best as I can, Sasuke. And I may not love you like I love Kakashi-sensei, or Kisame-sama, but I do love you.

"All I want is for you to be happy. I want you to live comfortably, and happy. I want you to be able to smile. I want you to be able to want to have a family again. I know right now it's hard, and I get that, really I do. I can't force you to be happy, or take an approach that I think is best. Only you know what you need," I finished softly. "I hope you come home, though. I hope you choose to come back, but if you don't I won't hold it against you, because I'm your friend. I'll always be your friend."

Sasuke didn't respond for a while, his gaze downcast and his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He shifted his posture, rocking from side to side as he took in my words. I patiently waited, knowing that time was something he needed. I never hid my affections for my friends, but it was the first time I verbalized the fact that I loved him like a dear friend, and what I sincerely hoped for him.

Sasuke finally mumbled, "Will you take care of Kaa-san's garden?"

"I promise," I swore to him.

"Her notes are in a room beside their bedroom," he continued quietly. "I don't want them to go to waste."

I gave him a soft smile. "I'll take good care of them. Thank you."

He swallowed. "Their—their—their graves—"

"I'll keep them clean, and visit them as often as I can."

Sasuke shifted again. "Do you, I mean, is there anything—?"

Quickly understanding what he asking, I gave a nod. "Promise me a couple things. The biggest one is that you have to listen to me before you fight Itachi. I will find you right before you fight, and I—I'm going to have some information you need to hear. It'll be unbelievable, and hard, but you have to promise me you'll listen."

"I promise," Sasuke agreed with ease.

"Try to find Kabuto's weakness for me," I added. "He's the one person I can't forgive. I mean you don't have to if you don't want to, but—"

Sasuke gave a wry smile. "Consider it done."

"Lastly, don't forget about us. Naruto and I care a lot about you, and when we see you again in three years you better not be a dick and try to kill us."

"I promise I won't try to kill you," Sasuke said with a frown. "Why would I—?"

"If you break that promise I will use you as my first live test subject for when I complete my poison to make people strip," I threatened. "Cameras and fangirls will be involved."

"I promise I won't try to kill you," Sasuke reiterated quickly.

I gave him a smile and held out my arms. "Good."

Sasuke hesitated for a split second before he stepped into them. I hugged him tightly, placing a small kiss on his cheek in a familiar manner. Then I took a step back as to not pressure him and said, "It'll make my life easier if you knock me out for a few hours so I can wake up at exactly dawn and not get in trouble for not preventing you from leaving."

Sasuke's lips twitched. "Okay. I'll—I'll see you later?"

"I'll see you in a few years," I promised him. "Watch out, I'll probably be one helluva sexy lady by then."

"I don't think pigs will learn to fly that soon."

I stuck my tongue out at him, and he took that chance to deliver a decisive chop to the back of my neck.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

I awoke at dawn, impressed with Sasuke's skill to accurately time it. My neck was stiff, and I took a couple minutes to stretch out the worst of the kinks before I headed out to Tsunade's office. I climbed up the outside wall, drawing more than a few gazes my way, and knocked on her window. Tsunade barely spared me a glance before rolling her eyes and gesturing for me to come in.

Hopping inside, I said without missing a beat, "Sasuke has been manipulated into leaving the village and is currently being kidnapped by Orochimaru's Sound Four. Permission to send a retrieval team after him?"

Tsunade's eyebrows shot up. "Elaborate."

And so I did.

By the time I was done Tsunade's expression went from anger, to irritation, back to anger, and now settled on sheer annoyance.

"It's interesting how Orochimaru knew the passcode to the sealing barrier around the village again," I commented.

"Your Goggle Gods know something about that?"

"That's a story for another day. A day that involves Jiraiya-sama, then-created privacy seals, and a few other individuals," I answered vaguely. "And as far away from this tower as possible."

That got a raised eyebrow. "You don't think my office is secure?"

I mouthed: I know it isn't.

Her eyes narrowed. "Interesting. We'll discuss it further when you get back from your mission, I'm sure."

"I'd love to," I answered honestly. "May I please form a team to retrieve my silly teammate?"

"Of course. We certainly can't let Orochimaru get his hands on one of our own," Tsunade agreed. "That being said, I don't have any Jōnin to spare for you—"

"I was thinking about myself, Naruto, Team Eight, Team Nine, and Team Ten."

Tsunade made a small humming sound. "If you think you can deal with elite guards of Orochimaru with them, by all means. This mission is ranked as S, so no one should give you grief."

I saluted to her. "Roger!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

"Naruto, my darling!" I cried out, swinging open his front door. Naruto sat up with a snort from his bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

He blinked blearily. "Wasn't that locked?"

"Yep," I responded. "Let's go. Orochimaru kidnapped Sasuke."

"What?!"

"Yeah, we gotta go. Make a bunch of shadow clones and gather everyone on Hina-chan's team, and Shikamaru's team. I'll get Gai's team. Meet me by the front gates in half an hour."

"R-Right!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Half an hour later we had our tired team members.

I assessed the group and then gave them a splitting grin. "Alright, we're going to be facing some opposition. The Sound Four are going to prioritize getting Sasuke to Orochimaru, so they'll likely follow a plan of sacrificing one at a time to slow us down. We'll leave two behind each one to defeat them, while the rest carry on.

"Hina-chan and I are going to be the first ones to stay behind," I told them. "This way I'll be able to follow behind you guys and provide medical assistance after you've won your battles—and you are going to win, because losing is not an option and ya'll are too amazing and precious. I want Hina-chan to stay with me because she'll be my heavy hitter. You okay with that my sweet princess?"

Hinata smiled at me adoringly. "I'll protect you, m-my queen."

I awed at her and couldn't resist patting her cheek. "You're such a cinnamon roll."

"Did the Goggle Gods tell you more about these Sound Four assholes?" Naruto asked me.

"The what?"

"Who?"

"What?"

I ignored the majority of the questions, choosing instead to answer Naruto's. "Yes. The first one we will face—Hinata and I—is a berserker style and brainless brute. He'll be easy to outmaneuver, and I'm hoping Orochimaru didn't give him immunity to poisons because he seems like a great candidate to finally see Krait's Kiss in person."

Naruto looked properly grossed out at the mention of my favored lethal poison. "Urk."

"The only girl in the group is a genjutsu specialist, and Shikamaru and Chōji should do well against her. Neji and Tenten would be best against the archer/spider boy—he's the one with the dark hair in a ponytail—and Kiba and Shino will be fine against the twins. That'll leave Lee to handle the fifth member who will show up towards the end as a pleasant plot twist."

Naruto blinked in confusion. "Wait, what about me?"

"Sasuke's Curse Mark is going to make him extremely aggressive by the time we get to him, so you'll have to bitch slap him down to make him come home," I explained cheerfully.

"How can you know this?" Shikamaru asked.

"Sakura-chan always knows about this stuff," Naruto answered flippantly. "The Goggle Gods see the future and tell her about it."

Hinata nodded her head. "It's true. Sa-chan specially prepared me to fight Neji-niisan, even if I did not know it at the time."

At that, Neji's eyebrow rose. "They knew you were destined to fight me?"

Hinata actually narrowed her eyes at him. "Neji-niisan, what did I say about using that word around me?"

Then—and holy smokes it must be a cold day in hell because—pre-time skip Neji winced at Hinata. "I apologize, Hinata-sama."

Hinata smiled in return, the misplaced annoyance gone from her face in that instant. "Accepted, Neji-niisan. I'll forget about it, too, since Sa-chan's knowledge can be hard to take."

"You get used to it, though," Naruto said. "And she's never wrong."

Shikamaru steepled his hands together in his signature pose, his eyes darting between the three of us before settling on me. "Kekkei genkai?"

A shot of panic made me jump at his words, color draining from my face and my heart starting to pound. "Hush! Please! Not a kekkei genkai!"

The group as a whole seemed surprised at my outburst—to be honest I was, too—but Shikamaru didn't push for more than that. He raised his hands up in a gesture of peace. "Okay. Let's simply treat what you have as—as given information. The source is unknown, but has been reliable in the past. As a group, do we trust this information enough to rely on it?"

"I trust it with my life," Naruto immediately said. "Sakura-chan has never been wrong before."

Hinata nodded firmly. "I trust Sa-chan."

Lee gave the group a big thumbs-up. "I'm sure our beautiful cherry blossom is reliable! I trust the information."

"Obviously I trust the information," I put in. "I'd like to add that Kakashi-sensei has also relied on my source on previous missions. One of them involving the safety of the now feudal lord of the Land of Spring."

That got some more raised eyebrows in the group.

"If that guy trusts it, then so do I," Kiba said reaching up and scratching Akamaru's head. "Kaa-chan always said he had the instincts of our best hound."

"I will trust this source of information. Why? Because an elite member of our village has relied upon it in the past, and our comrades support it now," Shino stated firmly, his soft voice carrying an impressive weight on the group.

Shikamaru nodded. "Despite the, ah, absurdity behind it, given the track record—and I suppose my own instinct plays a part in this—I vote to trust, as well."

Chōji immediately added, "I'll vote to trust the information, too."

The last members to hold out exchanged looks of varying levels of reluctance. Tenten and Neji both looked like they very much did not want to trust my information, but with the majority of the group on board their protests would likely be drowned out. Still, Tenten tentatively said, "I'm not familiar with Sakura-san, and a good track record doesn't mean perfect."

Naruto glared balefully at her on my behalf. I placed a hand on his shoulder to prevent him from losing his temper. The sunrise was a naturally happy individual, but when it came down to his friends his mother's temper came a'knocking.

I turned towards Tenten. "I can't make you believe, but I can ask that you let me prove it to you."

Then I took a deep breath and began to give physical descriptions of each of the Sound Four members, as well as their strengths and weaknesses. I was as detailed as I could be, pulling information I didn't even know I had in order to give them all a solid impression of each of the members. Then I went on to describe why I suggested each duo for fighting them; because I had seen some members fight individually and come out on top. The only fight I didn't see clearly was the fight Hinata and I would be facing, one of the reasons why I wanted to place myself in that fight so I could actively control the outcome.

By the time I was done, the group was silent. Shikamaru was the first to break the silence by saying, "That's extensive knowledge."

"It's not a kekkei genkai."

He held his hands up again, likely realizing how uncomfortable that association made me. "It doesn't matter at this point, anyway. We'll proceed as if the information is reliable, and go from there. We don't have a lot of time, so we'll cement a plan as we move. Let's go."

As a group we turned and sprinted out of the gates of Konoha.

Our group moved as one as we took off into the trees. We leapt from branch to branch, with myself and Shikamaru in the lead. It went unsaid that I was in charge of the mission, but I appointed Shikamaru as second in command. Naruto looked like he wanted to protest, but seemed to think again and didn't. I was impressed by such, recalling how boisterous and rash canon!Naruto was by that point.

Did I really influence him to grow differently?

It was interesting to see what I had already effected; Hinata was the biggest point. The once shy girl was brimming with confidence and looked far more like her adult counterpart than her pre time skip counterpart. Her shoulders and back were kept straight, and her stutter virtually vanished when it was only us two. She was still perpetually kind—I doubt anything would ever take away her kindness—and soft-spoken, but there was a fire in those eyes that I knew I put there.

Naruto was another obvious change. As I thought before, his canonical counterpart was brash, loud, and thoughtless at times. While my ball of sunshine was most certainly still loud and blunt, he was considerably more thoughtful and showed off a surprisingly keen mind under all that boister. I wasn't sure how I had changed him to be more strategic than punch-happy (I never thought in a million years he would have fought Kiba without ever personally stepping in, but low and behold he did), but it was a pleasant surprise.

Sasuke was a bit harder to see any difference. He seemed happier than his canonical counterpart, but it was hard to be certain. I knew he was definitely more open-minded to teamwork, and frankly relied on me more so than canon!Sakura (purely because of the Goggle Gods, I was sure).

That being said, he still got his Curse Mark, and he was still heading off to Orochimaru.

Well, I knew he would definitely go to Orochimaru if he got the Curse Mark since that's what he did the last ten—

Ten—

Fifteen—

Thirty—

Um.

'Um.'

My brow furrowed as I tried to finish that thought.

... since that's what he did the last...

'Last what? Last time? Last ten/fifteen/thirty times?'

That doesn't make sense. Why would you think that?

'Um...'

"—Sakura? Oi, Sakura?"

I blinked, jolting out of my thoughts. "Huh? What?"

"I said," Shikamaru drawled out, "can you explain why we should split up again?"

"Oh—ah—yeah. They're going to leave behind one person at a time to slow us down regardless," I answered him. "They're goal is to get Duck-Butt to Orochimaru by any means necessary. They'll gladly sacrifice their lives for that goal; they're zealous for him. Leaving behind one person to prevent us from going on is a no brainer for them."

Shikamaru gave a slow nod. "It would make the most tactical sense. And you think you and Hinata should stay behind to deal with the first threat?"

"I'm the only authorized medic on the team," I answered. "I need to stay behind the group."

"All the more reason you should stay with the majority, then," Tenten pointed out.

I shook my head. "Then those that we leave behind will be without assistance. It makes the most sense for me to stay behind for the first target, then follow up. That way I'll be able to reunite with every duo that stayed behind and tend to their injuries before moving on. If I stayed with the group I'd have to back track to help; or worse they'd be entirely without medical assistance. Hina-chan should stay back with me, since she's one of the only two people on the team that has experience fighting with me, and she'll be able to help me track you guys down."

"It'd make the most sense to do that," Hinata said. "I-I'm sure Sa-chan and I will be able to deal with Jirōbō."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

It took us longer than I cared to admit before we came across the Sound Four. As a team, we dispersed around the four, planning on flanking them in a pincer attack. The "elite" guards of Orochimaru, however, noticed us straight away and threw explosive tags at each of us.

It forced us to tumble away from the tags and out into the open for a proper confrontation.

"There's too many," Sakon snarled out. "Detain them—we have to get Sasuke to Orochimaru."

Jirōbō slapped his hands on the ground, and surprisingly quickly summoned forth his infamous dome.

The dome rose up around us. Immediately a few of us pulled out our glow sticks and illuminated the darkness. I heard Neji and Hinata silently utter Byakugan, followed by Hinata's sharp intake of breath.

"The entire structure is laced with chakra," Neji explained, examining it with narrowed eyes.

"How about below?" Naruto immediately asked.

Hinata hesitated a moment. "The ground is saturated with Jirōbō's chakra, as well."

"Sakura-san said this thing self-regenerates, right?" Tenten inquired, pulling out a kunai and slicing at a portion of the wall. The wall immediately began to heal the cut close. She let out a whistle at that. "Wow."

Naruto shot her a smug look. "Sakura-chan is never wrong."

Tenten was abashed. "I—so far you're correct. I'm sorry if I insulted you."

"It's fine," I reassured her quickly. "I'm hard to insult. Anyway, let's get out of here quickly. Hina-chan and I will take care of this fellow, and we'll catch up with the rest of you."

"Okay," Shikamaru agreed. "How do we get out of this thing?"

"It can't regenerate indefinitely. Naruto, repeated Rasengans should do the trick."

Naruto gave me a boyish grin and saluted. "On it!"

As soon as we burst through the dome, Hinata and I threw down some heavy smoke screen upon Jirōbō. "Go my future sex-slaves-minus-Naruto-because-he's-Hina-chan's-future-husband!"

"Future what?" I heard Naruto call out in the mist.

"Nothing!" Hinata practically screamed,

"I thought you said future husband? We're getting married?"

"Go, you dumbass!" Kiba shouted at Naruto before I heard a resounding smack and Naruto curse.

"At least let me propose first, Sakura-chan! Don't spoil it!" Naruto called out, his voice starting to sound distant.

Hinata started wheezing.

When the smoke cleared, the two of us stood facing Jirōbō, who was glaring at us. "You think you two are enough to deal with me? I'll clean you up quickly before hunting down your friends."

"That's unlikely," I disagreed. "If you renounce Orochimaru-senpai, though, we'll let you live."

"Senpai?" Hinata asked me, still red-faced and wheezing.

"He's crazy. I admire that."

"How dare you!" Jirōbō blustered. "Orochimaru-sama is a genius, not insane. Mere plebeians such as yourselves simply can't appreciate him."

I squawked at that. "I am a dedicated lover, I'll have you know. I can appreciate everyone and anyone fine and dandy!"

"Even Kabuto?" Hinata asked.

"Shh," I told her, surprised she remembered my outburst towards the bastard who defiled my future harem. "It is a thing, not a person."

"Of course," Hinata placated me.

I relaxed. "Glad we have an understanding. Ah, here drink up, dear." I pulled out two vials of antidotes and passed one to Hinata. Hinata uncapped it and sucked it down in one gulp, wincing at the after taste. I followed suite, then the two of us turned to Jirōbō. "Okay, say hi to Death for us!"

Jirōbō sneered. "That's—"

I threw down one of three biggest poison smoke balls I had and the entire area flooded in thick, heavy, purple smoke. Hinata's Byakugan activated in that split second and she dashed towards Jirōbō. I sprinted with her, knowing Jirōbō would try to escape the massive explosion of poison gas, and that we needed him to stay in it for a bit longer.

I wasn't relying on the poison to really affect him—though that'd be great if it did—so much as obscure his visibility to the point that he couldn't see Hinata at all. Hinata would be able to see him perfectly fine, though, and all she needed was one jab to the heart to take him out.

Throwing down my second explosion, I knew I had covered enough of the area that it would take a solid minute before he could escape the gas. I lost Hinata in the process, unfortunately, but I had faith in her abilities. There was a sudden grunt up ahead and I moved towards it. Another grunt echoed across the clearing, followed by a loud masculine shout of pain.

The ground rumbled underneath my feet, and I steadied myself.

Then a giant dirt wall shot up in front of me and I immediately jumped onto it. It climbed high up out of the smoke, and I could see Jirōbō standing at the top of it, panting heavily. His left arm dangled uselessly, and sweat covered his face.

Jirōbō wheezed. "Wha—what kind of poi—poison?"

I gasped. "No way! You're actually bothered by it?!"

Hinata was beside me in that instant. She gave me a smile and held up her wrist, showing me how swollen it was. "He caught my second attack. I think I may have broken something."

"I'll take care of it," I promised her, walking up the wall towards Jirōbō who was starting to gasp for air. "Would you mind terribly if we watched for a bit before ending him? I've never gotten to see Krait's Kiss work on someone before."

"We have time," Hinata responded. "Right?"

"We do," I agreed. "I thought for sure it would take us at least half an hour to deal with him. I never suspected Orochimaru-senpai wouldn't have conditioned them to be resistant to Krait's Kiss. Then again, Shizune was the one who invented the poison, and she only did so a few years ago, so—"

Hinata approached Jirōbō, who was starting to convulse and bleed out of his eyes. She delivered a quick jab to the back of his neck. "I went ahead and paralyzed him. Just in case."

"Good call," I told her, holding out her hand. "Let me take care of that wrist for you."

She smiled cutely at me, gently placing her dainty wrist in the palm of my hand. A few minutes later I had the hairline fracture sealed up and the swelling was nonexistent.

Unfortunately by the time that was done Jirōbō went ahead and croaked.

"Ugh," I said, disgusted. "He didn't even last the full hour. What the fuck Orochimaru-senpai, why wouldn't you condition resistance in your minions?"

"He's not that much older than us," Hinata pointed out. "Perhaps O-Orochimaru hadn't had enough time to install the resistance."

"Or he got arrogant and thought his stupid Curse Mark would cure the poison?" I murmured. It felt like it had a ring of truth to it, but I couldn't be sure. "Oh well. Help me put his body the corpse-scroll. Maybe Tsunade-sama will let me dissect him! I bet Anko-sama would be happy to learn more about the Curse Mark."

Hinata smiles adorably. "Okay!"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Hinata and I held hands while we hopped from tree branch to tree branch. I had complete faith in our teammates to overcome their battles, and Hinata had complete faith in my complete faith; so neither of us were concerned.

Hinata asked me, "Will we save Sasuke-san?"

"Not this time around, I think," I answered her honestly. "He always—I mean. With the Curse Mark, he alwa—I mean. He's going to go to Orochimaru-senpai."

'Why do I keep wanting to say always?'

Kekkei genkai?

'It's not a damn kekkei genkai!'

"When will we be successful?" she asked next.

"After we save the broken-hearted crow who lives under the red clouds. That will take many steps."

"Such as?"

"I have to talk to the Boozy princess," the words spilled out. "I have to deal with the tired man in the shadows. We have to save the tsundere-yandere-mix and his insomniac buddy, the panda-prince. I need to use Therapy-no-Jutsu on my number one boy-toy immediately after that. We'll talk to Duck-Butt again, but he's never ready to come home then, so it's mostly a hi-how-are-you-damn-it-you-promised-not-to-try-and-kill-us thing."

Hinata's big pretty eyes looked over at me. "What's it like knowing all of this?"

I didn't really have answer, because half the shit I said I didn't understand. I could guess what most of it was, and what I had to do, but how in the hell I knew what to do was beyond weird.

Ke—

'Finish that and I will start visualizing the most disgusting things I can.'

Urk.

But, frankly, now was not the time to be wondering how in the hell I knew things I really shouldn't have known. Sure I was a dedicated fan girl who obsessively read every data book, Wikipedia entry, and all manner of fanfictions; but, that stuff didn't tell me where the Salamander Contract would be.

It didn't tell me how to transplant a heart.

And it most definitely didn't tell me what I had to do in order to get Sasuke back (aside from faithfully following the canonical story, but I was in the middle of shooting that story to pieces).

Yet I somehow knew it.

Words spilled out of my mouth like a river, tumbling over my teeth and tongue like they had a mind of their own. I could scarcely believe the information came from myself—it almost seemed like someone else was talking. It was such a strange phenomenon.

At first I could have dismissed it—stroke of luck, or some such thing—but I really couldn't anymore.

Inner wanted to call it a new genetic ability—a kekkei genkai—however I couldn't agree with her. The very idea of declaring it as such, acknowledging it, made me feel sick to my stomach. I was honestly scared of calling myself a newblood. I didn't scare easy, and my instincts for self-preservation were borderline nonexistent, but every inch of me was screaming against that matter.

I didn't understand why, or how, but I knew with every fiber of my being that if I said I had a kekkei genkai to see the future then something terrible would happen to me.

Not death—because who gave a hoot about that?—but something much, much worse.

What that would be, I didn't want to know. I could only think it would involve some sort of pain, because I was still fairly averse to pain, but I honestly wasn't sure.

What I had—whatever it was—wasn't genetic. It was something unique to myself, and not something I could pass on or teach. My beloved Goggle Gods were simply a badly put together cover, and—

What if they aren't a cover?

'I literally made them up on the spot thinking about Obito.'

Okay. What if you didn't?

'What?'

I mean—look if it's not a kekkei genkai, then it's something. This information wasn't obtainable in your fir—ni—first life. It could only be learned by someone from this world.

'Are you honestly trying to suggest that someone is, what? Implanting information in my head somehow? That this person was—is—someone who has lived through this before? Like a time traveler?'

I don't know.

'That is the biggest bully pooey I have ever heard. That doesn't sound even close to the truth.'

Yeah... I mean I don't know what else to think, though.

'Neither do I. If I didn't know any better I'd say I had lived through all of this before.'

Inner and I shared a quiet laugh at that.

And you, what? Died at the end and got sent straight back? Pfft.

'I know! Hahaha, oh man.

The sheer absurdity of that put a smile on my face.

Maybe that's why you're so scared of a kekkei genkai! First time around you said it was and—and maybe ROOT or Orochimaru wanted to experiment on you.

'That—'

A chill ran down my spine.

'That sounds disturbing. Let's change the subject!'

Inner, likely sensing my unease, agreed with me. We turned towards putting together a list of who had the Best Booty in the Narutoverse, then we went on to put together a multiverse list of the Best Booty. It was a nice enough topic that by the time the sun started to set, I felt chirper.

Hinata and I traveled in the dark for about half an hour before we stumbled upon Neji and Tenten.

The two were sitting back to back, out of breath and surprisingly banged up. We landed into the clearing beside them and they both looked tiredly up.

I cocked my head. "Did you guys actually have trouble?"

"What is Hinata-sama's little brother's name?" Neji inquired.

"I do not—I only have a younger sister, Hanabi," Hinata answered.

Both of our companions relaxed, but I frowned at their question. "Did they try to trick you before?"

"It's happened before on a mission with Gai-sensei," Tenten explained. "Someone—someone tried to impersonate Lee."

That made me laugh. "Oh my goodness! Did they scream of youthful fires as well?"

"No. That's what gave them away," Neji answered, his lips twitching. "I take it your fight went well?"

"Ridiculously easy," I answered with a sigh. "He had no resistance to my poison. So unfair! I didn't get to use any of my signature moves with Hina-chan, like Harem-no-jutsu."

Hinata blushed. "I-I don't think that would have been a good plan, Sa-chan.'

I pouted. "It's a great plan, but the jerk butt died way too soon."

The princess shook her head in fond of amusement before she kneeled down towards her cousin and his teammate. "Let's tend to our comrades."

"As the princess commands," I answered her with a bow.

It took about an hour to heal up Neji and Tenten to the point where they could comfortably move, and we decided rest a few hours before we began our pursuit once more. I had to deactivate my weights so I could conserve my chakra, which kinda stunk, but I was still proud of myself for being able to go so far with the weights on.

Hinata hunted us some fat rabbits that I turned into a delicious stew (I always carried dried herbs and spices with me since starting up my own garden because Fuck Rations). We ate in a companionable silence that was broken only by quiet murmurs as Neji and Tenten retold their battle with Spider Boy.

Unfortunately for them Spider Boy went straight away into the second stage of his Curse Mark in hopes of preventing the entire group from escaping. It was thanks to Shikamaru's quick thinking, however, that let the majority of them slip away while Neji and Tenten kept his attention focused. From there on it was a blur of Tenten trying to carrel him into Neji's range, and Spider Boy deftly maneuvering through her traps and tricks. She managed to catch him with her wires, though, and it slowed him down enough for Neji to pounce.

That had taken over an hour, though, thus leaving both of them pretty exhausted. They had planned on resting for a few hours before moving back out, but thankfully Hinata and I had caught up to them.

"It would have been a lot more difficult if you hadn't given us such details about his abilities and personality," Tenten commented, sipping down the rest of her rabbit stew broth. "Mn. Thanks, Sakura-san."

"No need for honorifics for me, Tenten-chan," I answered cheerfully. "I'm happy to be of service, though."

"How exactly do the, ah, Goggle Gods speak to you?" Neji asked me, his face twisting like he bit a sour lemon when he said Goggle Gods.

"They don't, um, speak like you and I are speaking." I gulped down the last of my soup. "I just know, and I know it's because of them. Like—like you look up at the sky and you'll know if it's going to rain, or stay sunny."

"I know that because I learned how to read cloud formations, though," Neji pointed out.

I scratched my head. "I don't know how else to explain it. Words pop into my head and sometimes right outta my mouth before I can even think about it."

"That sounds kinda freaky," Tenten said. "Does it ever scare you?"

"Only when people say I'm a newblood."

"Why? Wouldn't that be amazing?"

"It's not," Hinata and Neji cut in sharply.

Tenten's eyes widened. "Why wouldn't it be? Newbloods are crazy rare, and you can even start your own clan from it. I know a lot of civilian families that would be beside themselves with glee if they had any Newblood members."

"If the Newblood is a minor without a guardian, or is a registered shinobi of the Village then—then the Council owns them," Neji explained quietly. "On paper it seems nice, but Newbloods are extremely regulated. If Sakura were claim herself as a Newblood—and given this particular power—I'd be more than willing to bet money that she'd be kept under a tight lock and key at Konoha."

"The village would essentially imprison her," Hinata whispered softly. "Until she could produce an heir, at least, and pass on the bloodline. She has no political standing, and no political force, or tradition, to protect her from that."

"That—but surely Konoha wouldn't—"

"It would," Neji interrupted her again. "Konohagakure will always view the forest over the single tree. To have a power that gives perfect clarity of the future, to provide such detailed reports of the enemy... It would be too valuable to risk."

"As long as Sa-chan keeps denying her ability as a kekkei genkai, the village won't be able to easily hold her," Hinata finished. "Especially since they don't have confirmation that her ability could be passed on to the next generation."

Tenten let out a quiet oh, while I wondered if perhaps I knew about all that information already and simply didn't connect it, and maybe that was why I was so scared.

Maybe?

Ugh, this was getting too confusing.

Our group didn't have much else to say after that. We put out our campfire and headed out once more shortly afterwards. We traveled in thoughtful silence—with Hinata and Neji leading us through the dark—as we tried to catch up with the main group once more.

Nearing dawn we met up Kiba and Shino who required light healing (and by that point I had to take a chakra-replenishing pill since my stores were starting to pretty low) before moving on. We took a break at noon, eating a light lunch and recouping our energy before moving out again. Kiba was all too happy to spend the time regaling us with the "epic" battle he and Shino fought in.

By early afternoon we found Shikamaru and Chōji who were only just then putting Tayuya in a body scroll. Unsurprisingly they were only a bit winded and low on chakra, so we were able to easily move on.

It only took about two more hours before we caught up with an extremely battered Lee and the stunningly handsome Kimimaro.

Our group immediately leapt into the clearing to stand beside Lee. I moved to begin healing the bruises and scratches he had already gained from his one on one fight with Kimimaro, while Hinata and Neji stood in front of him.

Kimimaro's eyes narrowed. "More against Orochimaru-sama?"

"Oh, honey," I sighed. "You're too pretty to be a minion. He's crazy sick, my friends, so let's try to knock him out instead of killing him, okay? I wanna take him alive."

"Why?" Shino inquired.

"Hello? I have a harem to build."

"Oh my goodness, Sa-chan," Hinata giggled. "There are more important things than your harem!"

"Don't be silly. Nothing is more important."

"Taking a lackey of Orochimaru alive would provide invaluable information for Konoha," Shikamaru pointed out. "He might know where Orochimaru is hiding."

"Oh, that, too," I agreed.

"Who cares! This guy is between us and Naruto and Sasuke. Let's kick his ass and move on," Kiba growled.

Kimimaro's eyes narrowed. "I will not allow any more of you to pass. The Uchiha belongs to Orochimaru."

"The Uchiha belongs to Konoha!"

"Duck-Butt belongs to Duck-Butt," I added. "Darling, won't you surrender? I promise I take care of all of my harem members."

"I will fulfill Orochimaru-sama's wish. No matter the cost."

"Pooey." I sighed and went back to healing Lee. I had all of his bones fixed up, and the boy was nearly vibrating with excited energy at being able to fight alongside so many of his comrades. I, on the other hand, would likely be depleted of my meager chakra reserves after finishing him up. I reluctantly decided to sit the battle out and try to recover what little chakra I could in case Naruto get more banged up than anticipated.

I patted Lee on his back. "There you go, sweetie. Have fun."

Lee leapt up and gave me a thumbs-up. "Thank you, my cherry blossom! I will endeavor to take this man alive for you!"

"Thanks," I said, blowing a kiss at him. "You're a cutie."

The poor boy turned ten shades of red and stammered something that was inaudible. It was hilariously adorable.

"I'm going to sit this one out and, um, I guess get started on dinner," I said, half to myself. "I'm about outta chakra."

"I could go for some venison," Chōji sighed.

"I'll see what I can find. Ta."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

o_o I already rewrote the first two chapters of Sasori. Talk about jumping the gun.

Nearly 80 pages in my original story. Shooting for at least 300. When I finish my first draft I'll publish the first chapters so anyone who's interested can see what I going for it.

Raise your right hand if you want Kimimaro to live and be apart of the harem. Five hand-raises and I'll make it happen. Somehow.

Answer: Strictly for the Narutoverse: Obito, Kakashi, Hinata, Sakura, and of course Madara.

Question: Top three universes you want to be a part of, go!

Reviews are love!

Side note: I decided to do an Omake of RTN because a lot of you made some pretty fantastic suggestions for it that I cannot resist doing hahahahahaha! Oh boy. Probably going to do alternatives to do it, one that follows the canonical movie, and one where Canon!Team 7 comes into this world. Huehuehue.