"I am instantly 70% nicer after 3pm on Friday."

-Anonymous

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Warning: This is a crack fic. If you don't know that by this point I don't know how to help you.

One day I'd like to get someone to go back through all I have written and fix it. I'm clearly too lazy to do so.

( ｡◕‿   ◕｡)

I held Yukie's hand as we toured Konoha. I took her to my favorite places to eat, and a training ground I frequented. I even brought her over to the hospital where I worked and showed her my office—and a couple pictures of some gnarly surgeries which she looked at with wide eyes—before taking her back to her hotel.

Unsurprisingly her guards were quite displeased with her impromptu visitation, but she waved away their concerns and asked me to visit her while she was here.

On the way back, I couldn't help but shoot Kakuzu a wink-wink-nudge-nudge.

He blatantly ignored me, but I could tell he was getting flushed under all my teasing.

"C'mon old man, just admit you got a thing for her. I got a thing for her," I tried to coax out of him as I hopped across the rooftops. The gorgeous night air pleasantly blew through my hair. Konoha always had such amazing weather, and that day was no different. There wasn't even a cloud in the sky above us, so we could admire the twinkling stars and the big full moon.

"I do not have a thing for anyone," he grouched. He and Sasori were a little harder to see at night since they were normally transparent. I wished I could get a better view of his face.

"She's almost thirty, so the age difference isn't so bad," Sasori hesitantly added, grimacing as he did so. Kakuzu glared hotly at him for that and the puppet master sneered back in return. "Anyone with a brain can read your reactions. Admitting it will save us both a headache from Sakura's inane ramblings."

"He's right," I agreed, wondering how great it'd be if I could double jump mid air like a video game character. "I will ramble inanely."

Kakuzu looked like he swallowed glass shards as he considered his options. "I do not dislike her, but I have no intentions of ever pursuing a relationship."

"Have you considered joining a harem?"

"I am never joining your deranged group of idiots," hissed Kakuzu.

"I wasn't asking about mine," I insisted. "I was merely asking in general."

"Never."

"Jeeze. Okay, okay. I'll get you to join at a later date."

Sasori rubbed at his face. "If I say I'll join your wretched club would you release me?"

"Yes," I answered perfectly serious. "Are you saying you'll join?"

Sasori's lip curled back in distaste. "You have not broken me."

"Yet," I added with a chirp and a smile. "I know how Stockholm syndrome works and I'm not against using it against psychopaths."

"You are a genuine monster."

"A little bit," I agreed. "Certainly desensitised."

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

A couple days later...

"Oh," I said out loud to myself as a flood of information popped up in my head. I was in my kitchen with Hinata and Naruto making a cake—my Akatsuki boy toys were watching a movie in the living room—when it happened.

Hinata paused in chopping up the chocolate bar, while Naruto slowed down in his whisking for the meringue. Worriedly, Hinata asked me, "What's wrong, Sa-chan? That sounded like an ominous oh."

"I, uh, I rem—er—the Goggle Gods have blessed me with more knowledge," I settled on, still processing what the gosh darn dilly dally heck just happened. I placed the liquid part of the cake batter down and rubbed at my eyes.

But when I lowered my hands I let out a startled shout when I realized I was definitely not in my kitchen anymore.

Darkness surrounded me, a black void where nothing but the sound of the ocean could be heard. I stumbled back, my slippers sliding into something cold and wet.

'An episode?' I thought, my eyes wide as I took everything in. 'But no, I've never had episodes like this before.'

Reaching up to rub my eyes, I froze when I recognized the hands did not belong to me.

"Ah—ah—um—" I stared down at the tiny hands that were too pale to be mine. My eyes roamed down to look at the rest of my body but I found it also didn't belong to me. It had to have belonged to a child, someone physically younger than me and undeveloped.

'Okay, um... Sure.' Taking a deep breath in, I let it out slowly before glancing around in the darkness. 'Yeesh. This place gives me the heebies.' Having nothing else really to do, I picked a random direction and started walking. As I traversed, the water at my feet began to rise. I couldn't find my own chakra to be able to walk on top of it, so I had to wade through. It was bitterly cold, and I couldn't see the bottom of it, only blackness.

I wasn't sure how long I walked. Maybe only a few seconds. Maybe hours. But as I walked, and the water rose, bits of light started to sparkle above me. It reflected on the water, creating this beautiful starry night sky effect. Despite how creepy this place was, I thought it looked rather pretty once the lights showed up.

One light in particular began to shine exceptionally bright, descending to me. As it neared, it took the shape of a pale butterfly with bits of snow and ice dusting off each wing flap.

~Welcome home.~

"Thank you, Shiori," the words spilled out in a voice too gentle and soft to my own.

~Are you going to try again?~

"I have to," I told her, a vile, bitter taste burning my mouth. "I cannot stay here, no matter how much I wish otherwise."

I raised my hand and Shiori landed gracefully on my outstretched finger. ~They say we are gifts that Life creates for Death, and Death keeps us all.~

My eyes squeezed tightly shut, not wanting to hear this again.

"Then why won't Death keep me? I'm tired, Shiori. I'm so tired."

~I know, my dearest friend. I know.~

"I'm afraid I'll come back broken again. I never want to have another life like Naa—"

I dropped down into the dark water, letting go once again.

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

Third Person POV

"What's wrong, Sa-chan? That sounded like an ominous oh," Hinata said, setting down the knife she was using.

The pinkette's face slowly paled, a dullness entering her eyes. She stammered out, starting to sway, "I, uh, I rem—er—the Goggle Gods have blessed me with more knowledge—"

Sakura's knees buckled, and she abruptly collapsed onto the floor. Hinata had already grabbed her by the time Naruto set down the meringue and dove to her.

"Sakura?" yelped Naruto, grabbing her shoulder. Hinata placed a hand over her forehead, her eyes narrowing in concern as a frown tugged down on her face.

"She's freezing," Hinata whispered, looking up at Naruto. "Sakura-chan? Sakura-chan?"

Their friend remained unresponsive, staring blankly ahead. She was limp in Hinata's arms, her skin becoming paler by the second. Naruto touched her arm, and to his surprise there were no goosebumps.

'Cold, but no goosebumps?' Naruto thought. 'That's not normal, right?'

An unsettling feeling knotted in the pit of his stomach. "We—We should get her to Tsunade."

Hinata nodded firmly in agreement, adjusting her grip on Sakura to pick her up. She winced. "Sh—She's colder than ice."

Sakura jerked, gasping at air, and starting to cough. Color rushed back into her face, and she leaned over from the force of her coughing fit. Naruto and Hinata rubbed at her back, uncertain how to proceed.

Shudders ran through Sakura, goosebumps covering every inch of her skin. She shivered, and Naruto immediately pulled her into his arms to help warm her up. Hinata rubbed at her hands. "Sakura-chan?"

"I-I'm sorry," Sakura gasped out, tears spilling over her eyes. "I'm—I'm so—s-so—I'm so—I'm so so—sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was—I was just—so tired—"

A choked sob escaped her, and she buried her face in her hands as she began to cry. "I'm s-sorry! I'm s-sor-ry."

She curled into Naruto, weeping over things neither of her friends could understand. Hinata moved closer, rubbing her hand up and down Sakura's back while Naruto continued to hold her in a vain attempt to show comfort.

She must have cried for an hour before her sobs and hiccups died down, and only small whimpers and sniffling remained. Her friends stayed beside her, offering support and solidarity. Hinata temporarily left to grab boxes of tissues to wipe at the running snot, and dab at Sakura's puffy red eyes.

With the last of the tissues, Sakura blew her nose and offered her friends a wobbly, weak smile. "Hi."

"Hello," Hinata said gently, brushing back some of Sakura's hair. "Why don't you lay down for a bit?"

"I don't want to dream again," she whispered, her voice cracking. "J-Just get me some ibuprofen and water, p-please."

Naruto and Hinata exchanged worried looks, but Hinata eventually obliged and fetched what was requested. Sakura swallowed several pills in hopes of preventing the oncoming headache that always accompanied such a heavy cry session. Once finished, she perked up and said, "Gosh what a trip! But we've got some work to do, so let's finish up this cake and then head on out."

"Uh, no. You don't get to—get to—" Naruto gestured to Sakura. "You don't get to do that and move on. Na-uh."

Sakura scratched the back of her head. "Um. Well. The only way I can really describe to you both is that, uh, the Goggle Gods gave me some information that kind of upset me."

"What did you see?" Hinata asked.

Sakura stilled for a moment, her brow furrowing as a dark look crossed over her face. "I think... maybe... Genocide run? But it's okay, I'm on the Pacifist route now. I don't know, I kind of... I don't remember a whole lot now. It comes in waves, you know? I know the broad strokes but the more time passes the harder it is to see even that much."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It's okay now," she said, more to herself than to Naruto or Hinata. "I'm not broken. I'm me again. And we have to save a couple dummy Uchihas."

Naruto's eyes widened. "Sasuke?"

"Time to bring princess Duck-Butt home, honey."

( ｡◕‿   ◕｡)

It hardly took any time at all to tell Tsunade that the Goggle Gods told me it was time to bring Sasuke home.

"I'm fine with issuing the mission," Tsunade said, her gaze flickering over to Naruto. "But we haven't finished dealing with some root rot."

"That's fine," I said, words popping out. "Sasuke needs the confrontation, anyway. The disease left behind will be something we can more easily handle when the heart of it gone."

Tsunade drummed her fingers on her desk. "I see. You have quite literally never been wrong before, so I'll trust you on this. Gather the team and bring home our boys."

I saluted her. "Hina-chan, why don't you grab team 8, and Naruto, grab the rest of team 7?"

"What about you?" Naruto asked me.

I kissed his cheek. "Oh, honey. I've got to move ahead. A clone will be with you guys instead. Ta-ta!"

( ｡◕‿   ◕｡)

I moved with speed that would impressive even Lee, rapidly sprinting home to grab some essential supplies before bolting out of Konoha. I left behind several rock clones that would move with Naruto's group, but I knew I had to move ahead of everyone to beat Tobito.

"What did you mean by genocide run?" Sasori asked after I had been sprinting through the forest for over an hour.

"I think I have a higher kill count than all of the Akatsuki members combined, twice over."

"What?" Kakuzu repeated in blatant disbelief. "How can you even proclaim such a thing? Insanity has a limit."

I held up my finger. "One: insanity has no limit." Another finger. "And two: you don't want to know. I don't even want to know. You know what? This would be a great time for Deidara to show up."

Goggle Gods must have blessed me because guess what I got?

If you guessed a boom boom mcsplodey boy you guessed right.

Deidara popped up in front of me, and he let out a shout as soon as he saw Sasori and Kakuzu. "AHH! What are you two doing here?"

"Being driven into insanity," they said with hanging heads.

"Aw, c'mon, it's not that bad," I whined. "I'm saving your lives."

"Death would have been kinder," grouched Sasori.

"Being trapped with you is the cruelest form of torture I have ever come across," Kakuzu snapped.

"You two are being dramatic," I dismissed.

Deidara looked back and forth between the trio. "Uh..."

"Welcome to hell, brat. You are bound to this fiendish creature where she will subject you to endless madness and chaos," Sasori said, gesturing toward me. "Steel the last bit of nerves you have, and be prepared for unspeakable things."

"Okay, now you're just being hurtful," I said with a sniff. "If you're gonna keep being so mean, we won't test the virvi poison when I get back."

"It's not that bad," Kakuzu put in.

"Really, she's tolerable once you get used to her," Sasori added.

Deidara rubbed his face. "Am I dead?"

"Not yet darling," I said with a big grin. "Not yet."

( ｡◕‿   ◕｡)

While I was certain my clone was having all sorts of fun with the main group, I had an unremarkable time sprinting through the country to get to Itachi before Duck-Butt. Sasori and Kakuzu explained the gist of the situation to Deidara, and Deidara immediately asked me what kind of cake would be made in his honor.

Obviously a lemon cake with pop rocks and ice cream in the center. Like, how else to describe such a cool fella like him?

He nodded approvingly.

It took... ehh... twelve-ish hours to reach the destination. I was a bit out of breath, but not too bad. I got my second wind as soon as I sensed the delightful chakra of my favorite swordsman ever.

"Hey, baby," I said with a wink, happily skipping over to Kisame once I broke through the trees and entered the clearing. "I bet a certain little pretty boy said I could pass through."

"That he did," Kisame said with a huge toothy grin. "How's my favorite little fan girl doing?"

"Perfect now that I get to see you," I flirted, skipping right over to him to hug him around the waist.

And after years of bribing him with cake, goodies, and other fun stuff... he patted my back.

I felt the blood rush up to my face and I had to actively struggle not to faint from sheer joy. I couldn't resist nuzzling my face into his chest, and he let me. "I smell something delicious in your backpack."

"You would be correct," I said, reluctantly pulling back to reach into my backpack and give Kisame his apology cake for kidnapping Itachi. He excitedly opened it up, but then blinked in surprise when he realized I wrote: SORRY FOR TAKING ITACHI.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "You're going to kidnap Itachi now?"

"I won't kidnap him, he'll willingly come with me due to my sheer seductive prowess."

Kisame scratched his cheek. "Hmm..."

"You can come with me, too. I promise to bake for you every day," I purred.

"That is very tempting," Kisame told me seriously, "but I'll have to pass for now."

"But, darling—"

"But I might take you up on it later," he finished AND THEN WINKED AT ME OH MY GOGGLE GODS THANK YOU FOR THIS BLESSING.

I swooned, fanning myself. "My stars. Goggle Gods be praised for blessing my eyes with such a sight."

He laughed, his whole body shaking as he patted me on the head. "Good luck trying to seduce Itachi, hahaha, you're gonna need it kiddo."

"I don't need luck. I have Main Protagonist Pink Hair."

He laughed again, and I bowed before taking my leave.

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

I skipped right in to the old, decrepit Uchiha fortress and gave Itachi a cheerful wave. "Hi, pumpkin."

"Hello, Sakura-san."

"Just Sakura, please."

He inclined his head politely.

"So, I've been training my chakra resistance and all that fun stuff, so I'm ready for part two to that fun red land," I said with a chirp in my tone. "Come on inside, let me show you something neat."

"I have to admit I've been meaning to inquire further about your... claims," Itachi said. "Are you prepared?"

"As ever. Go as deep as you can!"

As our eyes met, the world around me melted away into red and black.

I fell into a void. It was a bit of an odd sensation. I could feel Itachi there beside me, but then he and I went our separate ways. He stopped falling, whereas I didn't until I landed in knee-deep dark water.

I could hear waves in the distance, and this world was not unlike the world I visited in my latest vision. I drifted further in, and quietly called out, "Inner? Are you here?"

"Sort of," she said, and I saw her.

Sakura.

From the waist up it was Sakura, although a bit of her head and all of her lower body was deteriorating into white, wispy, smoke. She smiled at me, and I felt a pang in my heart. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm getting ready to go to leave. I'll join the others soon."

"Others? What do you mean leave?"

Her gaze was soft. "Lilly. I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you. I wish I could, when I found out, but I had no energy left. I'm more there than here now."

"I-I don't understand." I furrowed my brow, a cold knot forming in my gut.

"You've died so many times," she said softly, reaching out a hand to me. I grasped it immediately, disliking how cold she felt. "We have died so many times. I carry the memories of all our mistakes, and I tried to keep them from you. We chose long ago, after so many times grieving, that it's best to start a life fresh. Sometimes we can't succeed in that, though. All of our mistakes, all of our deaths—we've lived so many times, my friend."

My brow furrowed and my chest tightened. "I don't—"

She hushed me. "It's okay. For some reason we've been stuck in this lifetime. We died against Zabuza at first, you know. Woke up right at the start of team assignments. We died a lot. We couldn't move on, though, because we love them too much. Our spiritual energy had built up enough to anchor ourselves to a single day in a single lifetime. That energy is nearly depleted, though, and this is the last run."

"I—I died? Against Zabuza and Haku?"

"Yes," she murmured. "And many times during the war, or invasions. You didn't think it strange that you awakened the seal so soon, or how you were able to perform heart surgery first try?"

"I did find it strange," I admitted.

She smiled. "It's hard to keep memories. Nao always thinks it's best to start fresh."

"Wha—?"

Sakura cupped my cheek. "This is my goodbye. I'll give my love to Kaa-chan and Tou-chan."

My eyes widened and my breath hitched. "What?! No! You can't—"

"It's okay," she soothed. "I'm always with you. We're always with you."

Sakura rapidly dissolved, and I let out a cry of surprise when she left.

But I was not left alone.

Four others stood around me.

A young girl with pale eyes and hair, and a white butterfly on her head. Her gaze was soft, and tender.

A young woman with brown hair, tan skin, and vibrant green eyes. There was love in her eyes.

Another young woman with dark blonde hair, a calm demeanor, and trademark whiskers. She smiled at me.

And another beautiful woman, with one burning orange eye, and one Sharingan, and a dark demeanor. She cocked her head at me.

"It's funny," the one with green eyes—Mia, I thought, uncertain how I knew that. "It was only one mistake at first. One life there."

"But," Miwako hummed, "when we try to move on, try to start again in our home world, we find them again."

"We love them," Nao said. "We love them more than we care about peace."

"We want them to be happy above all else," Naasica murmured.

"We would sacrifice anything for them," Nao agreed.

"Some friendships last more than a single lifetime," Miwako said.

"Love isn't something that goes away, even in death." Mia smiled at me. "Please look out for my Obi. He's a real sweetie at heart, I promise."

Nao laughed. "And our family. Sissy is so dear to me."

"Please take care of Kurama and Naruto," Miwako asked of me. "Kurama's my dearest friend, tsundere attitude aside."

"I—I will," I promised, uncertain what else to say.

Nao smiled at me, and the butterfly on her head flapped its wings. "I have to go now. Yagura and Madara-san are not patient men."

"Wait, what? Madara? As in the Madara that I swear by his sexiness?"

"He didn't let me die right away," was all she said in response. "It's okay, he's an old soul, too."

"He's a sassy, petulant, brat is what he is," Naasica snorted, but there an odd tenderness in her voice when she spoke about him.

"Please, you love him anyway," Mia immediately dismissed. "That being said, I have grandchildren to watch over. Take care, Lilly. Oh, and tell this Obi that onigiri is not a meal, and I don't give a flying hoot if 'if that's the only thing he knows how to make.'"

"Okay," I agreed, wondering what kind of reaction Obito would have to that.

Nao and Mia both smiled at me again, and then they were gone from the void.

Naasica glanced over at me and smirked. "There's a precious tessen buried six kilometers south of Konoha, underneath a triple-layered genjutsu, and a tree with blue leaves. I would hate to see it deteriorate anymore than it already has. Treasure it for Madara-ue, and myself."

I nodded my head.

Miwako folded her arms and narrowed her eyes. "Kurama is my most precious person. Him and all the other bijū deserve to be free and live in peace."

"Of course," I agreed.

"There's an island off the coast of Wave. It's too far off to build a bridge, and too dangerous to go by boat. It's big enough for all of them, though. Make it safe for them."

"Su—wait, how?"

She rolled her eyes and I had a sudden rush of images forced into my—our—uh—my?—head. They looked like complex fūinjutsu arrays, but I hadn't studied enough in fūinjutsu properly say what the heck they did. I would transcribe them all for Naruto to look at later.

"Tell him—" Miwako hesitated. "Tell him there's someone who still loves him, and when he's ready to disperse, I'll be waiting with Gon and Killua."

"Disperse? What? Can bijū die? WAIT WHO?!"

But she was gone.

I stared at the woman with burning orange eyes, and she stared back at me.

"Do you regret it?" I asked her.

She cocked her head, a glint of madness in her gaze as a cruel smile stretched over her lips. "Oh, Blessed, you know where your love comes from, don't you? Nao loved her family so much, it carries over in all our lives, but her desperate desire to save Obito created Mia's connection to Obito. She had no chakra network, yet Shiori and Nao still kept calling out to Obito to save him. Those two looped a few more times, never remembering until the end, and then on came a sweet little child with cancer growing all over her because spiritual chakra kept trying to force its way inside of her.

"Miwako is born, confused, angry, and oddly tired. She doesn't remember the loops, but she knows she's frustrated and scared. Then along comes the life before me. A different timeline on a chakra-less world, and all those memories jumbled up inside the head of a man who couldn't understand. Crazy, they called me, and cursed is what they howled as they spilled my brains out on the operating table trying to understand what made me so terribly, terribly sad. But as Naasica, can you guess what I remembered? Some of your life as Lilly, some of my life as that poor man, and then bits and pieces of things I couldn't never understand. But, oh, was I tired. I mention only a few lives, but you already know we've been through this a hundred times by this point. You carry Nao and Miwako's love for their family, Mia's affection to Obito, and my devotion to Kisame and Madara who stood by me through that hell."

Her smile stretched even wider. "You call it your love, but it's ours. You are the Blessed, the one who will get to carry this burden until the end of time. Live, die, repeat. Remember, forget, repeat. Love, lose, repeat."

She sauntered over to me, this beautiful and downright vicious woman. She cupped my face in her hands, leaned down and whispered, "You ask me if I regret it. Let me ask you this now: Does it even matter? Do you even matter? Does this effort mean anything? You try to save them, and for what? For nothing. It will reset when you die, and then either you get reborn or I get reborn."

She kissed my nose, eyes dancing with malice. "Ask me again if I regret it when you get to stand over their bodies and know that nothing ever matters."

She left in wisps of black smoke that tasted like rotting corpses and burning trees.

I was alone in the darkness—actually, no.

I was never really alone anymore, was I?

"Yes," I said to myself. "It does matter. It matters because you—all of you—are me. You all love, and that love is what I feel. It matters because how you—how we—feel means something. You wouldn't have been so angry, so hurt, and frustrated over our failures if you didn't care, if it didn't matter. I don't know why things are happening the way they are, or if we will ever be free from this cycle, but that doesn't mean each cycle is meaningless. It doesn't make our efforts be in vain. It means we get that much more time with them. It means we get to fall in love with them all over again. It means we got a chance, a shot, to make things even better than last time. Our endeavours, our adventures, don't mean nothing... 'cause we know they mean everything. We know we did everything we could. We know we will always love them. We know what we've done. And we can carry that into our next cycle, and we can learn, grow, and experience love and life all over again.

"So yes," I finished quietly, "it does matter. And I won't... I won't let you have your way, Naasica. I know you're hurt. I know you're broken, and angry, but I also know you love them just as fiercely."

I held a hand over my chest. "I feel your love for them right here. I promise I'll look after them, so why don't you just rest for a bit, okay? I'll take care of everything."

There was no response to my monologue in that darkness.

But there was no need.

I felt them inside of me.

Nao's unwavering determination.

Mia's fierce love.

Miwako's unbreakable will.

Naasica's burning conviction.

'It's okay everyone,' I told them, closing my eyes. 'It's going to be okay. I promise.'

The sound of the ocean waves lapped against the dark shores. The butterflies of Nao's kaleidoscope twinkled up above us like starlights.

'Yes,' I believed. 'I'll make it okay.'

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

"So... howsa about you stop your little plan, and come on back to Konoha," I concluded, wringing my hands anxiously together. Right after my confrontation with the Goggle Gods, I made my way over to Itachi. "Yes? Yes."

He was not just watching my previous life as Lilly, though. He was watching Nao's lives, Mia's lives, Miwako's lives, and even Naasica's life. He flipped through the images, examining the outcomes to the canonical story line.

"You are desperate for a happy ending," he remarked softly. "You believe you need it to break the cycle?"

"I've had plenty of happy endings," I retorted. "I—I don't know what to do to break the cycle."

"Then why are you trying at all?"

"Why wouldn't I? I still love—" Itachi pointedly glanced over at Naasica's story, and I winced. "Okay, um, I plead insanity for that one. I was—I was really tired, fed-up, and annoyed, and I didn't understand why entirely, so it... it just kind of got out of hand. I would have been fine if I hadn't run in to Maddie-hime so early, though!"

"Perhaps," Itachi allowed, looking over some of the more heinous memories. "Mn. I cannot argue with the facts. Revealing the truth to Sasuke almost always leads to a better end."

"Exactly!"

Itachi sighed. "Very well, Lilly. I will return to Konoha with you and Sasuke after telling him the truth of the massacre."

"Woo hoo!"

"I would appreciate it if you refrained from trying to grab inappropriate parts of me, though."

"Awww. How'sabout a daily hug, then?"

"No."

"Awww."

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

We hopped out of my mind, and got ready for Sasuke to show up in all his glorious broodiness. Gottay say waiting in a run down abandoned fortress was a touch creepy—did not help that the place was littered with spiders, rats, and other nasties. I got startled by one too many spiders that I ended up forcing myself on Itachi's lap because I was not in the mood to find some gross bugs crawling on me. Thankfully we didn't have to wait long—maybe only fifteen minutes—before the Uchiha princess himself showed up.

"'Sup Duck-Butt," I greeted, trying to act all nonchalant and like I was not just scared shitless a minute ago by a spider descending the ceiling to land on my nose.

Sasuked looked at me. He looked at Itachi. He looked at me sitting on Itachi's lap.

The sheer amount of disgust and no was downright delightful. Almost made me forget about my traumatic experience of dealing with spiders in this hell hole.

"So," I said, trying not to cackle at his expression, "you ready to keep your promise to me?"

"I didn't try to kill you already," Sasuke snapped. "I never promised not to kill you at the second meeting."

"Uh, well, not that promise but I'd appreciate it if you refrained from trying to kill me for now. I meant the promise that you'd listen to what I had to say before you fought Itachi?"

"What? Are you seriously going to try and persuade me to spare that monster because he's part of your damn harem now?" Sasuke viciously demanded, his cheeks growing more flush with anger.

'Man I wish,' I thought, but shook my head. "No... no... It's about the truth of the Uchiha massacre."

"I already know the truth. Itachi slaughtered them."

"Except, no, he didn't," I corrected. "Tobito killed the majority of them and Itachi did clean up. But that's not the point. I meant do you know why he did so?"

Sasuke and the Akatsuki gave me a look of sheer disbelief.

"Tobi?" Deidara repeated, incredulous. "Are you soft in the head, yeah?"

"Tobi. Tobi is a mass murderer?" Sasori demanded. "In what universe are you from?"

"Are you just lying to save Itachi?" Kakuzu inquired. "But why tell such a blatant lie that no one could possibly believe?"

"Who?" Sasuke asked, his eyes narrowing.

"I mean, come on, that much is pretty obvious," I said dismissively, ignoring my Akatsuki peanut gallery. "Itachi was good, but he wasn't that good. There were just as many elite members in the Uchiha Clan, of course he had help. But that's not important here—"

"I would beg to differ!" Sasuke coldy cut in.

"Itachi, your brother isn't listening to me," I said, looking over at the beautiful man.

"Give him the scroll Tsunade gave you," he helpfully suggested.

"Oh, yeah." I pulled out my backpack and tossed Sasuke the verified scroll Tsunade set up to confirm all the events, and to officially invite Itachi back to Konoha.

Carefully, Sasuke unrolled the scroll, his eyes flickering across the page. Word by word, he grew paler and his expression twisting between anger and horror.

Silence fell between us, his face conflicted with so many emotions.

"You're lying."

"I'm not and you know it. Why do you think Itachi really left you alive? To devote yourself to kill him? What kind of serial killer wants to die? And last I checked, Itachi wasn't a diehard masochist like Hidan. You know the real reason he spared you. You remember the reason. You remember his face as he left you there. You buried it so far into you, suppressed it so much you wouldn't give it pause. But think now. Think clearly. Remember. Remember his face. Remember the tension. Remember, Sasuke. Because you know it's true. Itachi didn't spare you on a whim. He spared you because your life means so much to him. He loves you."

"You're lying!"

"Think Sasuke," I repeated, my tone gentle like Mia's. "Think clearly for just one moment and listen to me. I know this hurts. I know this is horrible and I know it would be so much easier to dismiss it, but you have to accept this. Think! Do you really think Itachi could have faked his adoration of you for years? Since he was five years old? Was there ever a point in your life before that night that you doubted him? Think, Sasuke, please."

Sasuke just stared at me, his face morphing into disbelief. "You're lying. You have to be. Itachi's the bad guy. Itachi is the bad guy!"

"Little brother," Itachi whispered. So softly, so quietly, I had to strain to hear it. But the raw emotion in that word... said everything.

Sasuke shook his head, his eyes wild. "You're wrong. You're wrong! Kai! Kai! Kai! Kai!"

Just as Sasuke was about to pull out his own katana and jab himself, Itachi and I both lunged forward. My arms wrapped around him and Itachi stood above him, pulling his katana away. Sasuke shook his head. "You're wrong. You're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong!"

"I'm sorry," I whispered, trying to soothe the emotionally distraught boy. "I'm so, so sorry. I'm not lying to you, Sasuke. I swear I'm not. I'm so sorry."

Sasuke just shook his head, staring at me with such a horrified look, I felt awful for telling him the truth. I hated that he felt like this. I hated not being able to help him any more at the moment. What was I to do? What could I do?

Sasuke shook his head, his grip lessening on the scroll as he dropped it and fell to his knees. "This is a mistake. My parents..."

"It's not," I said as gently as I could. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Sasuke was stiff in my arms, as if he just didn't know how to be held. And maybe he didn't. Maybe he was just too used to being alone.

Itachi knelt in front of Sasuke, his voice soft. "I am so sorry."

Finally, Sasuke's eyes dragged up to meet Itachi's.

"By order of the Elders and the forced upon order of the Third Hokage," I murmured flatly, my voice taking an apathetic tone to it. "Uchiha Itachi is hereby ordered to eliminate the entire Uchiha Clan, as the Clan has been accused of holding a coup against Konoha. To prevent a civil war inside of Konoha, Itachi is tasked with eliminating his entire family."

Deidara sucked in a sharp breath. Through the corner of my eye I could see both Sasori and Kakuzu were wide eyed.

"Is it true?" He whispered, still staring at Itachi. At Itachi's silence, his voice grew more frantic. "Is it true?!"

Itachi lowered his head. "Yes."

"They will pay," Sasuke whispered.

"They will. I promise you, if you come back with me you will have your revenge," I agreed. "I know this is a terrible shock to you, Sasuke."

Hesitantly I held him a bit closer. Just enough to let him know that I was here for him, and that I would not be leaving him any time soon. I had a feeling he needed this, somehow. Even if he wouldn't admit it or show it.

I cleared my throat and glanced back at Itachi before looking back at Sasuke. "I know you want to kill Danzō, and I promise you that you will get your chance so long as you come back with me."

"How?" Sasuke demanded.

"Danzō has been breaking the laws of Konoha for years to come. Tsunade-sama and many others have been working hard these past few years to gather enough evidence and destroy his legacy before he could take action, though. If you and Itachi return now... we can put an end to it once and for all. An end to him." I grinned and looked back at Sasuke. "So what do you say? Wanna come back with your big brother and kick some Danzō ass?"

Sasuke gave a dark smile. "I never thought I would return to that place. Especially beside my... brother."

"However," I said, holding up a hand. "I grinned. "Okay. Phew, that's a load off my chest. Come on you two, let's head back and grab Duck-Butt's team. Then we can find my team and head on home."

"Home," Itachi murmured.

"Home," Sasuke echoed.

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

The three of us merrily—well, I was merry while the other two were subdued—made our way back to the glorious Kisame.

But to my horror Suigetsu was actually trying to attack my idol.

Since I simply couldn't allow that to happen, I abruptly threw myself at Suigetsu, kicking him hard enough in the face to daze him while I snarled, "Don't you dare touch Kisame-sama!"

"Welcome back Sakura... Itachi," Kisame nodded toward his partner, his lips twitching in amusement at how I was kicking Suigetsu's watery butt.

"Kisame," Itachi said quietly, approaching the swordsman with a small frown. "I am afraid I must return to Konoha."

Kisame's head snapped around to give me a surprise look. "You actually seduced him?"

"Yep," I lied, stopping my strangling of Suigetsu to focus all my attention on Kisame. "But don't worry, I'd choose you in a heartbeat, baby."

Kisame didn't look like he knew how to respond to that right away. While he was speechless, Sasuke addressed his team. "I am returning to Konoha with them. You are all welcome to accompany us."

"Yeah, c'mon!" I cheered. "Karin and Jūgo, you two can stay with me! Kimimaro is staying with me."

Jūgo glanced up hopefully at that. "Truly? If that is the case, I wish to go to Konoha with you."

"I never got to join your sleep over," Karin said with a grin. "I suppose I can take you up on that offer now."

Suigetsu couldn't respond since I accidentally choked him unconscious but whatever.

"Woo-hoo!"

"Itachi..." Kisame's brow was furrowed as he stared at his partner, drawing the attention back on him. "You know what must be done."

Itachi nodded gravely, and he slowly turned back to me. "Sakura, Kisame and I have a gift for you."

"Is it Kisame-sama joining my harem?" I excitedly asked, my eyes shining.

"Not yet," Kisame said, pulling out a thin red scroll. He held it out to me and I carefully accepted it. "Inside should be enough money for you to start up a bakery in Konoha."

"A bakery?"

"Kiddo, with a baking talent like yours, you're wasted as a kunoichi," Kisame politely informed me.

Itachi nodded in agreement. "We wanted to arrange the option for you, at least."

I was gaping. I mean, like, how else was I supposed to respond? My stomach was filled with warm butterflies, and I felt my cheeks grow warmer than sand under sun. Joyous bubbles filled my heart and I launched myself forward into Kisame's arms. "Thank you! After the war I'll become a baker just for you!"

"Oh, uh, thanks," Kisame said, patting my back.

I sniffled, wiping away at my tears. "This is the greatest day ever."

"Glad, uh, glad we could, uh, help," Kisame said, giving a helpless look over at Itachi while I sobbed happily in his arms. "Itachi? Wanna take the girl now?"

Itachi's lips twitched into a ghost of a smirk. "I think she'd be happier in your arms."

"Itachi!"

"I'm not here to judge."

"Okay," Sasuke cut in, "we're going now. Let's go, you depraved woman."

As Sasuke began to forcibly drag me away I cried out, "I love you Kisame-sama!"

"Thanks, kiddo," Kisame replied looking incredibly uncomfortable under Itachi's adorable smirk.

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

BONUS - On the way back to the main group

"It's decided," Sasuke said, looking sternly at his brother. "You want my forgiveness for your deception? For what you've done? I know how you will earn it."

Itachi stared back evenly at his younger brother. "What would you have me do?"

He pointed to an oblivious Sakura who was merrily whistling to herself. "You're going to work for her in that bakery shop for every year you lied to me."

Itachi closed his eyes in resignation, while Sakura snapped her head around, an elated expression lighting up her face. "Oh HELL YEAH. That means Plan Hot Men in Cat Uniforms is a GO!"

Sasuke tried not to to smirk at the pained look on Itachi's face.

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

Haku,

Guess what my cutie patootie? I'm opening up a bakery shop in Konoha in a few months. Already got myself one hot-ass waiter to ogle at all day. WOO HOO!

Hope you like the variety of cookies I sent. I mixed in a few surprises, so let me know how you like them.

With love and kisses,

Sakura

( ｡◕‿  ◕｡)

More and more hints about Lilly's story, although I highly doubt anyone will be able to put all the pieces together through just my fanfiction. She's a character I've been working on for several years as a major piece in my original series, Magic of Dawn. I will say this, though: if anyone is able to tell me what she is, and what she is doing, I'll happily confirm. Muahaha.

Next chapter will be from the clone's perspective. Hurray for meeting Tobito, and the first glimpse of the Rainbow Stick. Woo hoo!

Answer: It's a dark comedy. I wish it was a sitcom so all my problems were resolved in a timely manner and I got to live in a gorgeous home.

Question: Five of your favorite characters will be transported into this world as puppies/kittens for you to take care of. They will be returned back to human form if they touch hot water, and return to animals with cold water. Who are you taking care of?

Reviews are love!

Oh, uh... I guess Miwako's a bit of a spoiler for the next story. *Shrugs*