"What were Chik Fil-A's other mascot ideas before landing on an illiterate cow begging for his life?"

- SheerRatchet from twitter.

Beta:

Forgive me for typos. I'm tired. =w=

Warnings: Madara and Lilly meeting. You have been warned. Also beware the trolling author. :p

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

The forest that resided in the Land of Iron was a rather pretty place in a gloomy-snowy kind of way. The trees were tall—not as tall as Konoha trees because Hashirama was such a showoff—and best of all, most of them were pine trees.

Pine trees smelled the best. Fight me.

'You know...'

There actually weren't that many scented candles in the Narutoverse. Candles were used for practical lighting in the absence of electricity. Scented candles were one of the few consistent things all my lives enjoyed, but every time we came into this world it was a rarity. Scented candles weren't common, and consequently they were expensive to come across.

The only one of my past non-ordinary lives (counting all my lives reborn on Earth as ordinary, even if some of those were literally insane) that had consistent contact with scented candles was Miwa in the Hunter x Hunter universe. Gon and Killua learned pretty quick how sensitive her nose was and both started carrying around nice smelling things to calm her down, and y'know, discourage random bijū bombs.

Except on the Dark Continent. What a fuck fest that was.

'Note to self: if ever reborn in that world without Gon or Killua head straight to the Dark Continent, start up a demon army, and conquer other worlds.'

I didn't want to a genocide run with the people I cared about, but it might be fun on worlds I had no emotional connection to.

'Oh my Goggle Gods this split personality / multiple lives is going to be hard to deal with. Back you evil side, back!'

I should learn how to make my own scented candles.

Starting with a pine scented one.

As soon as I was done here I'd make some clones to collect pine tree seeds. Now that Konoha wasn't going to get blown up again in the foreseeable future (Boruto's generation better be hella well-behaved or so help me I will actively try to make them insane instead of letting my passive insanity infect them.)

'Actually, I could probably get Naruto to sit on the seeds in sage mode to trigger rapid growth.'

That'd be swell. My own little forest in the backyard, perfect for harvesting fresh food and ingredients for delightfully scented candles.

Ay and I hopped through the snowy pine trees without much fuss. His bodyguards kept shooting me suspicious glares, but I easily ignored them. After about maybe half an hour of running we reached our destination.

"Kisame-sama!"

I think anyone could safely guess who squealed that with pure glee.

One minute I was soaring through the trees, my vision laser focused on my blue-skinned idol, the next I had slammed into his very surprised body and tackled him to the ground.

I nuzzled his side affectionately. "Kisame-sama."

He stiffened considerably, adjusting to sit up with me hugging his waist and pretty much in his lap. He blinked at me in surprise. "Hello, fangirl."

"Shh," I said softly (okay fine cooed). "Don't fight it."

"What—"

He never had time to finish his sentence because I had not so subtly pricked him with my own poisoned needle. A fast acting poison/sedative that had even Naruto asleep in seconds. He sagged and fell back into the snow.

I smiled at him, fondly patting his cheek.

'You will be well cared for, my sweet.'

"What a surprise the stalker finally kidnaps her obsession," Sasori drawled out. If he had a little less maturity he probably would have rolled his eyes.

Absently, I could hear Ay was checking on his brother, but I paid them no mind. Instead, I bit into my palm, summoned Ibuse to have him eat my idol before quickly dismissing him.

By the time that ordeal was over, I looked happily upon the newly reunited brothers.

"Hi," I greeted happily. "I'm Sakura. I bake the best damn cakes in the world. And now that my part here is done, I'll be heading home. Bye-bye cutie pies."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

I squealed the moment we entered the makeshift camp, rushing towards the familiar red haired panda boy and glomping him. Gaara didn't react in the slightest bit, letting me hug him and smother him in love. "Hello."

"Hello," Gaara said, slowly adjusting, so he could maneuver an arm to pat my back.

"Hey pretty lady!" Naruto greeted jovially, surprising me with his appearance. Canonically he came along to talk to Ay about forgiving Sasuke. Apparently Plot Power was stronger than I realized because I could even see Sasuke chatting with Kakashi by the meeting tent. The power of Plot must have compelled both boys to ditch construction duty and hang out with us at the kage summit. "Weren't you supposed to come back with the Raikage or something?"

"Ehhh. He'll find his way here eventually. All the other kage are here, why can't he figure it out?" I dismissed. Then I brightened. "Oooo! You know what we should do while we wait for grumpy pants to show up?"

"What?"

"Snow surfing!" I cheered. "Or sand surfing if the lovely Gaara would be willing to make sand and play with us."

"Play with us, play with us, play with us," Naruto chanted, enabling my behavior.

"Very well," Gaara agreed and Naruto and I exchanged high fives.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Sadly, so terribly sadly, we had to stop with our sand surfing after two hours. The Raikage was finally ready to start the war plan meeting with the other kage. Gaara, with great reluctance, headed off to be a responsible adult.

What a nightmare.

Naruto and I, now bored with no one to entertain us, kidnapped Sasuke and started up an intense game of hide and seek. Kakashi, Temari, Kankurō, and Chōjūrō got roped into joining it and holy smokes what a ride it became.

Naruto literally ended up creating an underground maze using his clones to dig, filled the maze with booby traps, and laughed maniacally when he led the current seeker (Sasuke) through it.

Sasuke threw such a hissy fit he blew up like half a kilometer of the land in a spectacular display of power that brought a tear to Deidara's eye.

Kakashi had scary good tracking capabilities and was never ever the seeker for more than a minute.

Temari straight up beat the shit outta anyone she caught—except me because I'm cute and I gave her cookies—especially her brother who screamed in such a girlish and hilarious way I straight up fell outta my hiding spot laughing.

Tragically the game came to an abrupt halt when I pulled out my hallucinogenic stripping poison. For some reason people didn't want to play with me anymore.

How weird!

Once the match was over, though, it was pretty late into the night so we decided to call it quits and go to bed. Since Kakashi was back on guarding me that meant I got to share a tent with him, which meant free cuddles in my sleep!

I practically threw myself at him after I changed into my pajamas.

"I won't try to undress you in my sleep if you let me cuddle with you," I tried to bribe.

A sigh.

"Fine," he said, to my incredulous delight.

Cuddling Kakashi was a solid 9/10.

Hada admit Naruto, and Obito were much more active snugglers, so in comparison, Kakashi lost a point. But he was still a top tier hottie and oddly gentle so he definitely earned a 9 without my bias.

(Ironically this was the exact same score I—and Miwako—gave the Pack. They only lost a point off because some of them drooled in their sleep.)

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Now in a modern war two sides don't simply agree to meet at ABC at blah blah time and duke it out—although that is how it was done in the older time periods back on Earth—so it was a little awkward how the Fourth war began.

The first three wars—and modern wars—fought over central strategic points. Someone went to take over ABC and then the enemies tried to take it back. Deadman's Land was set up as an afterthought, or consequence, not on purpose. There was no written invitation saying "Hey come fight us here!"

The Third war—the one Naasica took part in—was fought over land and spies. Kakashi's father was supposed to safely extract enemy traitors—along with their information—and bring it all back to Konoha. They got found out and Sakumo chose to save his comrades instead of the spies. Everyone figured out real quick how extensive Konoha's spy network had become, and they all scrambled to take control of the situation.

One thing led to another and soon fights broke out across key points to control the lands. It escalated into a brutal war that resulted in countless deaths and thoroughly twisted and scarred the minds of any unlucky individual who had to participate.

To be frank, I don't think I would have been able to get out of that war unscathed.

My denial was good, but not that good.

This war, though, was literally Obito sending a message a few days before the start saying, "Yo bitches fight me here, here, and here."

Came across more like a massive duel than a proper war. Especially since the thing never lasted a full week.

Either we won, or Madara won.

Or in that one time, Kaguya. Fucking hell fuck that shit. Never again, nope, nope, nope. That's why we always kill Black Zetsu.

With Amaterasu.

Several times.

And just to be on the safe side we politely ask a fūinjutsu master to seal that bastard in a nearly indestructible urn, then throw it into the ocean.

Or if we're feeling particularly sassy we throw it to the moon with a note attached saying Fuck you. Take this thing back.

Ooo. After the war I get to meet with the hot alien man.

'Mmmmmm. I'll have to prepare Hinata to persuade him to join the harem. Alien booty is hard to come by in this world, can't miss this rare opportunity!'

Obito sent another little Zetsu clone to provide us with the whereabouts and time to meet on the battlefield. It was such an Obito move. Could you imagine any other fandom villain being so straightforward? Aizen from Bleach would have prepared some thousand year long plan to make the shinobi dance to his little tune like puppets. Even Chrollo from Hunter x Hunter would have been more cunning.

But that was part of Obito's charm. What a good boy he was.

Madara, though...

Madara would probably issue a straightforward message, too. Mostly because he would want to hurry up and kick some booty rather than wait around.

The kage only spent a couple days going over initial plans before we all headed back to our respective village.

Now, here it differed in every life.

The actual date of the war was always the same—just a couple days before Naruto's birthday, so it always started on October 8th. But! The kage summit event wasn't set in stone. Some lives it would take place in Early June, with others taking place late September. The time in between varied, allowing for some anime filler plots to occur.

Which was always a big bummer. Filler characters hardly ever stuck around and the missions were so friggin' boring.

This life I got lucky and the kage summit happened September 30th, giving us just barely enough time to rally the troops and get my Akatsuki Boys set up.

Returning to Konoha was lackluster, but I had to admit I was impressed with how much they already finished reconstructing. Well over half the village was up and running—including my home.

I checked up on the spot where I picked the cafe to be—Tsunade so sweetly donated the entire Senju Compound in exchange for a lifetime of free baked goods—and watched over its construction for a few hours with Naruto.

"So did you decide on a name?" the boy of sunshine asked.

I shook my head. "Nope. Honestly not that good with names. Should I take it seriously, or make a joke out of it?"

Naruto shrugged at that. "What you think is serious most people take as a joke anyway."

"Ah, that is too true."

"What's true?" asked Sasuke as he flickered over to sit beside us on the wooden bench. "Is this where you're building the cafe?"

"Yeah. I was thinking about making it two stories, but not too big. I want to use up most of the space to grow fruit trees. Speaking of fruit trees, my darling son would you mind squatting on some tree seeds in sage mode for a bit when it's time?" I asked Naruto.

"Sure," he said easily. "You'll bake me a pie as thanks, right?"

"I'll bake you fifty pies."

Sasuke coughed, a clear sign that he also wanted a pie.

"If you pick me up some seeds to grow I'll bake you fifty pies, too," I offered Sasuke, eliciting a rare and fleeting smile from the Uchiha.

"If you insist," he said dismissively, but his eyes told me yes please. "What you're building looks a little odd, though."

"It's called a traditional British tea house," I proudly told them. "Something you definitely won't find in this world without me."

"Like opera cake?"

"Exactly like opera cake," I confirmed. "I've got a lot of commission porcelain to make. I don't suppose either of you know a good craftsman up for the task?"

Both boys shook their heads.

"Welp. Maybe I'll get lucky and save someone in the war who happens to be a master craftsman on the side."

Sasuke snorted. "Your luck is only relevant to finding harem members and stumbling onto missions that require you to save the world."

"This is true."

"What the fuck."

I almost seized as Kisame's ghost popped up front of us. I wasn't expecting him to show up, so I had to quickly excuse myself from Naruto and Sasuke.

"What the fuck?" Kisame asked again, staring in shock at his previous colleagues. "You're alive!"

"Your fangirl kidnapped all of us, yeah," Deidara explained.

"Fangirl, why?" Kisame questioned, turning now to address me.

"I see the future through the Goggle Gods," I hurriedly told him. "I promise you'll be free to go in about a week."

"Why does he get to go free so soon?!" Kakuzu growled.

"I have been trapped here for months," Sasori snarled, irritated. "You damn brat!"

"Well I can't help it you guys die earlier." I stuck my tongue out.

Kisame frowned. "Seeing the future explains a lot, actually."

"I can verify she's scary accurate, yeah," Deidara added.

"Stupidly so," Sasori petulantly muttered. "That is the only conceivable way she could have captured all of us."

I coughed, refusing to meet their gazes now. "Yeah... that's the only way you guys could be defeated."

"But wait... who's going to eat my kidnapped cake?" Kisame questioned, worried.

"You will as soon as I release you," I promised him, perking up and beaming. "Any requests in flavors?"

"Nah. You know me," he said with his trademark grin.

I swooned.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Another official meeting was issued the day before the war began. Everyone was hyped up, and hundreds upon hundreds of shinobi and kunoichi already set out to set up camps and prepare defenses on the designated battlefields.

The kages congregated together in their designated HQ for a final review, but with myself, Nagato, and Konan tagging along. The three of us weren't going to be actively participating in the meeting, but rather confirming the negotiations Tsunade, Mei, and Gaara had made on our behalf. Once that was taken care of we would head out to where I was pretty sure Kabuto always hid at and take care of him.

In the perfect world we'd get to him before he summoned up Madara (because while I really wanted to meet the King of Hotness he was hard to deal with without massive casualties).

I had a feeling that wasn't going to happen, though.

The HQ matched up perfectly well with that of the anime—a designated table for the kage and their advisors, along with several chakra sensors and communicators scattered about to prepare the communication line.

Nagato—as the main Pein path—stared passively down at the kage, with Konan beside him. I stood in front of the two Akatsuki members and in between them and the kage.

Ay was practically seething with blatant hatred at the Akatsuki members, his eyes burning with restrained anger and disdain. Ōnoki wasn't much better, the old fart looking particularly haughty, his glare assessing the Akatsuki members as if they were the equivalent of bugs on his shoes.

'No cake shops for either of them,' I mentally noted. I would not reward their prejudice with my baking.

"To simply forgive the crimes of all Akatsuki members is asking too much," Ay finally growled out, tearing his gaze away to glower at Tsunade.

"You're out numbered in this vote, Ay," Tsunade snapped back. "Concede like an adult, or I'll be forced to treat you like a child."

"There is little harm in allowing the Akatsuki members free," Mei added coolly, her normally sparkling emerald gaze now frostier than winter. "They're needed for removing Kabuto, anyway."

"Tch," Ōnoki muttered under his breath. "I'll agree because we have bigger issues, but I must say this will only become a burden later on. Don't expect me to clean up your messes."

"That's right. Keep bitching," I muttered with an eye roll.

"EH? What was that you little brat?!" Ōnoki demanded.

I flipped him off, which elicited a hard knock on the head from Tsunade.

Mei coughed. "Anyway. Ay, you're the last one to sign the agreement. Let us be done with this matter so they can take care of Kabuto."

Oh Ay looked like he very much did not want to be done with the matter, but he held his tongue and gave in to the peer pressure.

With that, all members of the Akatsuki were pardoned for their crimes committed under the organization and were able to officially join any other village without political repercussions. Naturally any crime they committed thus far out would still be held against them, but the clean slate would make it nice and easy to get the Happy Ending.

"It's not like there's very many Akatsuki members left," Ōnoki dismissed. "Only these two."

"Oh, yeah..." I bit down on my palm and reverse summoned my ghost gang.

'Ooooooooooo.'

Yes.

That look.

That look of shock, followed by pure anger on Ōnoki and Ay's faces was fucking delicious. I couldn't resist cackling, laughing so hard I had to lean back into Kakuzu.

My Akatsuki harem was downright gleeful, emanating a smug aura. Deidara was flipping Ōnoki off while chortling, "Fucking got you, old man! Thanks for the immunity, yeah!"

"You—YOU—!" Ōnoki struggled to speak, his face turning redder than tomatoes and a few veins pulsing in his forehead.

"I was surprised you were so willing to grant immunity after all the Kumo shinobi I've killed," Kakuzu taunted, eyes glistening with dark mirth. "How kind of you, Ay-sama."

Ay straight up punched and destroyed the table they sat at, and that was when I decided it was time for us to leave.

"Eyyyy look's like it's time for us to go," I hurriedly said and—

AND THEN KISAME-SAMA PICKED ME UP LIKE A BRIDE AND AHHHHHH.

"Yep!" he cheerfully agreed, already sprinting out the door with the other Akatsuki members following after him. When Ay's enraged scream echoed behind us, they all started to laugh. It was a shame Hidan had to miss out on such a fun event, but this war was the perfect opportunity to show off Jashin-sama's religion and garner more followers.

I nuzzled into Kisame's chest. "I'm in heaven."

"Oh man I wish I had a camera," Deidara said, wiping away a tear. "That stupid old fart's face was priceless."

"I only wish we could get that satisfaction from the other kages," Kakuzu said absently.

"So, uh, where exactly are we heading to?" Kisame asked.

"Don't worry, dear. I've got a map!" I chirped. "But, uh, you don't have to put me down or anything. You can hold me for as long as you want."

Kisame's laughter was like music to my ears.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

It would inevitably take us the rest of the night to reach Kabuto's little hideout. Not only because we had to still fight off the zombies, but because the bastard hid a solid distance away from where most of the action took place.

Honestly it was such a bother. Why couldn't he just bow his head and accept his defeat like the unimaginative copycat he was? Tragic backstory could only justify so much. Being boring and unoriginal was not forgivable when thrown in with such amazing characters and story.

The Akatsuki—minus Itachi, and Hidan—were in a rather good mood, though. Each for different reasons. While Nagato and Konan genuinely believed that they were doing this for the Greater Good™ due to the permanent effects of Therapy-no-Jutsu, the rest were happy about their circumstances.

The bonus of getting off scot-free for their raiding lifestyle was certainly nice, but I knew for a fact that Kakuzu, Sasori, and Deidara were more pleased about they negotiated with me.

Kisame was just a happy guy in general. One of his many amazing qualities.

It was a shame Itachi couldn't tag along, though!

The downside to having the war so soon after the kage summit meant that Itachi was never healthy enough to participate. If the summit had been a month earlier he would have recovered, but with it being so soon after Tsunade started her treatments Itachi simply wasn't allowed to.

So he reluctantly passed on the Amaterasu to Sasuke, and princess Duck Butt was tasked with hunting Black Zetsu down and burning every last bit of him.

This was something I never had to worry about. As long as Sasuke, or Itachi was taking care of Black Zetsu we always won.

We did eventually track down Kabuto it was such a one way slaughter. If you thought for an instant that Kabuto was capable of one-upping the entire Akatsuki you would be hilariously wrong. Since I knew how to cancel the jutsu—thanks, Naasica!—it was pretty easy to get Sasori to manipulate the unconscious lying liar who lies. Using chakra strings to manipulate someone else's chakra network wasn't easy—and impossible to do so in the heat of battle—but Sasori was a bad ass so he did it without failing once.

With the jutsu canceled the Akatsuki were officially free to do whatever the hell they wanted.

Which was Kakuzu's cue to peace the heck outta there.

"I'll be back in six months with contracts about the cafe," was the only thing he said before he straight up left.

"We shall head out to the battlefield," Nagato intoned quietly. It went without saying that we meant Konan and himself.

"I'm going back to Konoha," Sasori said. "I'm not interested in fighting a stupid war."

I perked up. "But you're going to Konoha?! Yippee!"

"You owe me poisons," he snapped. "Don't get the wrong idea, you simpleton."

"I love you," I cheered, hopping over Kabuto's corpse to hug my favorite boy toy. "Super duper bunches."

"I did not give you permission to hug me," he hissed out crankily, shoving me off him. "Touch me again and rue the day you were born, brat."

"I feel so loved right now," I sniffled. "Are you staying, Deidara?"

"Free opportunities to blow things up, yeah?" Deidara said with a shrug. "Plus I bet you're going to bake a victory cake after the war."

"You bet correctly."

"That settles that I'm staying," Kisame decided, nodding firmly.

"Woo-hoo! We should all meet up on the final battlefield, then!" I declared. "Pretty sure my Maddie-hime got resurrected, so I should go take care of that."

"You going to be okay?" Kisame inquired, a touch of worry in his tone before he hastily added, "Not that I care too much."

I blew him a kiss. "I'll be fine. What could possibly go wrong?"

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

It still took a solid three hours of running before I reached the battlefield Madara was on.

And boy oh boy was I in for such a surprise.

Because there he was in all his glory, proudly standing over hundreds of corpses(?) Red and black armor gleaming under the hot desert sun and the unconscious—or maybe dead?—bodies of nearly every member of Gaara's brigade surrounded him. He was looking up at the sky, idly twirling his sword.

I hopped over the humans, surprised I could hear some faint moans from them—which meant he hadn't murdered all of them at least.

Thankfully Gaara was unconscious and relatively unharmed. Which was even more surprising that Madara didn't outright kill him, either.

'What the heck is going on? I was late, so shouldn't this be a massacre? Something's hanky here.'

He turned when I approached him, gleaming eyes looking me over before he cracked a smile that made my heart skip a beat. "Hello again, peasant."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

MUAHAHAHAHA. ANOTHER PLOT TWIST. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Maddie-hime has graced us with his presence. Praise be.

One more main chapter and then it's time for epilogues. Current winners for the epilogue are: Harem, Kakashi, and Itachi (how the fuck? Itachi fans are dedicated, praise be)

Post epilogue bonus chapters (boruto generation) will be done with the most popular ending.

Order of stories canonically / chronologically thus far: Decaying Bluebells, Chipped Mask, Shadowed Sun, Apex Predator (hxh), Rotted Rowan, Reverse Harem / Sakura, Doctor Sasori, Pride & Humility (fma), Here and There (bleach), Hail Friendship (bnha), and lastly would be my original series, The Magic of Dawn (book 1 available for free on Wattpad as Dawn of the Rose. ;p )

Answer: I would be a chocolate covered pretzel. I got the sweetness of chocolate, but underneath it's 100% salt and carbs. I'd like to be angel food cake, all soft, warm, fwuffy, and sweet.

Question: Favorite manga, webtoon, and manhwa?

Reviews are love!