"I've never been in love, but I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food."

-Zach Galifianakis

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. The genius Kishimoto owns Naruto, and I'm simply having fun with his delightful world.

Warning: Parody. Parody. Parody.

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Dear Yukie,

I've added a GIFL and a Jashinist to my harem now. How neato is that? I'm glad the movie shoot is going well for you, and I do hope you'll be able to convince the director to a side tour in Konoha. I'll bake you all the sweets, and give you a grand tour.

With love,

Sakura

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Dear Gaara,

B

R

U

H

With love,

Sakura

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Hidan woke up with a pounding headache and blurred vision. He clutched at his head, blinking rapidly clear away the spots. It still took several minutes before both subsided and he was able to look around his surroundings.

He was definitely in a cell.

Not a bad one, like he would have expected. He was in a decently comfortable bed—and he noticed there was a tray of food at his bedside—with a clean floor. Opposite of his bed was a cozy chair, complete with a lamp. There was a doorway beside the chair that Hidan could see housed the bathroom.

It was definitely the nicest cell Hidan had ever been in.

It also begged the question of what the heck that acolyte had been thinking.

He could kind of see where she was coming from. He was the last High Priest of Jashin-sama, and if he died then the religion would come to an abrupt end. He had hoped while working with the Akatsuki he would find a suitable village to start up his temple and begin indoctrination, but he hadn't found the right spot, yet.

But there was already an acolyte in Konoha?

'How did she receive the marking?' Hidan wondered. The blessing of Jashin-sama wasn't some ordinary tattoo one got on a drunk night. It was a permanent mark on one's spiritual chakra. The only way she could have received such a thing was if Jashin-sama had personally blessed her.

Hidan remembered Jahsin-sama saving him when he was younger. He remembered Jashin-sama bestowing his blessing on him, and Hidan had received a form of immortality. He could die through starvation or chakra depletion, but everything else would eventually heal. His marking—the triangle and circle—was a symbol of this specific kind of blessing.

Sakura, on the other hand, had the blessing of fire.

It was exciting, when Hidan thought about it, that someone else had personally received Jashin-sama's blessing. Not everyone in the religion was blessed such an honor, after all. Most members of the religion marked themselves with the circle and star symbol.

If he hadn't personally seen the marking—and felt the chakra signature from it—he would have thought it a complete hoax.

But no, it was true.

'Another Blessed,' Hidan thought, a big grin on his face. 'What's the gift of fire again? Something about a bird.'

There were over a hundred types of blessing, and Hidan had memorized all of them, but it took him awhile to remember the more obscure forms of blessing. Some of the common ones were: Water (increased regenerative, and immunity to sickness and disease), Seer (knowledge of the future, but it was usually very constricting), Life (the ability to cure disease and sickness in others), Hex (the ability to curse enemies of Jashin-sama for several generations), and Lust (mind control over the opposite sex).

Hidan wracked his brain for several seconds until he remembered what Fire meant.

'Fire, the symbol of a flame, and—'

His cell door swung open, and a pretty damn hot woman strode in with a leer on her face. "Hello, boy."

Hidan smirked. "Oh? I didn't realize Konoha hired services for prisoners."

"I'm too expensive for that," the woman purred. "No, I'm here for something else, sweet little boy. I'm Anko, Sakura's disciple for Jashin-sama. I'm here to talk to you about Jashinism."

'Oh, hell yeah!' Hidan cheered inwardly, more than excited to finally have a disciple. "You've come to the right man. I'm Hidan, High Priest of Jashin-sama."

Anko nodded as if she already knew this. Since she was the Fire's disciple, she probably did.

"When we're done here, if all goes well, we may have a few more recruits," Anko said breezily. "And some sacrifices, of course."

Hidan's grin kept getting wider. "Fuck yeah."

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"Welcome to the club, GILF," I greeted with glee as soon as Kakuzu appeared. The miser immediately glared hatefully at me before he noticed the resigned Sasori beside me.

"Sasori?" Kakuzu asked, incredulous. "We thought you were dead."

"I wish," Sasori deadpanned. "We have both been captured by this insane woman, though."

"I thought you were having fun," I said, tilting my head. "Didn't you like seeing how the different kinds of poisons killed our enemies in slow, painful deaths?"

"That was merely an academic curiosity," Sasori insisted. "I do not enjoy spending time with you."

"Okay, Tsundere-chan."

Sasori's face twitched, and his hands clenched into fists. "I will make you rue the day you were born, you insufferable brat."

"You're such a cute boy toy," I mercilessly teased, then looked over at Kakuzu with a wink. "You seem a little confused, honey. Want me to explain it all to you?"

"Don't," Sasori warned Kakuzu. "She'll only spin tales of madness."

"Come now. Surely you can trust me by now?" I asked, tilting my head. "You know I love you."

"Stop saying that," Sasori grouched, turning to address Kakuzu. "Do you understand now? She's delusional."

Kakuzu was giving me the stink eye. "I hope you're prepared for hell, brat."

"Mmm. I'll pass on that, thanks though." I noticed a signature moving toward us, so I abruptly held up a finger to my lips. Both men immediately fell silent, and in the next minute Kimimaro entered the kitchen. The sweet boy looked surprised to see me, and he shyly averted my gaze. "Good... evening, Sakura-san."

"Good evening, Kimi-chan," I cooed, smiling brightly. "What did I say about calling me Sakura-san?"

"Not to." Kimimaro shifted his weight awkwardly, his eyes fixed firmly on the ground.

He reminded me of a shy little boy. It made sense, since all his memories pertaining to Orochimaru were sealed away, and he's known Orochimaru since he was a child.

'Is this the kind of person he would be if Orochimaru hadn't taken him in?' I thought. I didn't have anything against Orochimaru personally, but I had to acknowledge he was a villain. He did some pretty hanky stuff, and it would stand to reason that anyone in prolonged contact with him would grow a rather twisted mindset.

I thought that was a shame. It'd be nice if Orochimaru could be himself without harming, or manipulating others.

'In a perfect world,' I mused, standing up from my seat and beaming at Kimimaro. "Why don't you have some cookies with me? They're still warm."

Kimimaro gave me a sweet smile. "Okay. Thank you."

I reached out and affectionately patted the top of his head. "Of course."

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I headed out to my shift at the hospital, my personal peanut gallery behind me. It was only supposed to be a twelve hour shift, but it ended up stretching to twenty hours because a whole bunch of ANBU stumbled into my office with some gnarly wounds.

Sasori and Kakuzu found it absolutely fascinating to watch me perform surgery on an Aburame ANBU.

It was definitely interesting.

Thankfully both of my boos (heh-heh, get it? 'Cause they're like ghosts?) found surgeries as fun as I did. Both loved learning about anatomy, and Kakuzu was able to join in on one of my favorite debates with Sasori (what the ultimate poison would be).

The whole shift flew by in a blink of an eye, and I stumbled home—Tenzou was my reluctant escort—with a happy smile.

A tired smile, but a happy one.

When I woke up, I was only a little surprised to find Naruto curled up in bed with me, using me as a body pillow and snoring.

I patted my friend's head. "Morning son of mine."

Naruto snorted before he yawned, blinking his eyes open. "Oh. Morining."

"I don't mind being your cuddle buddy, but what's going on?"

Naruto sighed. "I was going to ask Hinata-chan out, but she's been away on a mission. I wanted to talk to you, but you were asleep, so I decided to sleep, too."

"Makes perfect sense," I said, nodding my head. "Welp. I'm up now, wanna get some food?"

"Have I ever refused food?"

"Nope. That's why you're my spirit son." I patted his cheek, then started to change outta my pajamas. Naruto politely looked away, and grabbed his orange jacket. The two of us headed downstairs, where Kakashi, Tenzou, and Kimimaro were eating lunch.

Naruto gave them a jovial wave. "Morning!"

"It's noon," Tenzou said, shaking his head. "You two need to hurry up and eat, Tsunade-sama requested you."

"Only us?" I asked, tilting my head in surprise at that. "What about you and Kakashi?"
"We've been assigned to a different mission," Kakashi responded, picking up his plate and beginning to clean it in the kitchen sink.

I whined at that. "But we're meant to be together forever."

"What a shame," Kakashi deadpanned.

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We entered Tsunade's office to find Lee and Neji already waiting for us. My eyes narrowed in suspicion at that and I asked, "Don't tell me you're trying to replace my perfect butt sensei with these two? I can't ogle at them!"

"You'll be fine," Tsunade dismissed with a cheeky grin. "Kakashi is needed elsewhere. He and Gai will be heading out to the front lines."

"Front lines? We're at war?" My eyes widened in surprise. "Is it from flying shinobi or stone?"

"Stone," Tsunade said slowly, narrowing her eyes. "What's this about flying shinobi?"

"Oh. Some butt-hurt Uzumaki will revive the flying shinobi people and they'll air raid Konoha," I answered. "It's no big deal."

"Sounds like a big deal to me. Know where they are?"

"Ehh..." I scratched my head. "Off the coast. They're in pretty big ships. I don't know much about their movements before the air raid, sorry. I can't sketch some pictures of the evil jerk face, though."

"Please."

Neji cleared his throat. "The mission, Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade sat back in her chair, folding her hands together. "It's a VIP escort mission. You need to take a priestess to a shrine in the Land of Swamps to seal away the demon controlling the Ghost Army—the stone army that has emerged and begun attacking all lands. I'm guessing the Goggle Gods have information on this?"

I gave her a thumbs up. "Oh heck yeah. This will be an easy one."

"Sweet," Naruto declared. "Let's finish this up and have my pool party."

Neji sighed, giving me a weary look. "What do the... Goggle Gods know?"

"I'll write up a report on the all the baddies we'll be facing. Their poison resistance is practically nonexistent, so this will give me a perfect chance to try out some of the fun stuff! We should also prepare some heavy explosives to take out a bunch of puppet soldiers," I told my team, giving a pointed look at Naruto.

Naruto beamed. "Alright! Then I'll make up a bunch of big explosive tags."

"Naruto, you can make explosive tags?" Lee asked, eyes bright.

"Yep! Been learning fuinjutsu under the Super Pervert for the past few years," Naruto declared proudly. "Gotta say, I'm not too bad at it. And by that I mean I'm totally a bad ass."

"That's my boy," I crowd, then clapped my hands together. "Ooo. Can you make me colored explosive tags? Like stuff that will explode in rainbows, or red, or Kisame-sama's blue?"

Naruto rubbed his chin as he thought. "Hmm. Yeah, I think so. Do you all mind waiting for a few hours while I make up the tags?"

"That's fine. Let's meet at the gate at seventeen hundred, we'll travel through the night."

"Yosh!" Lee declared for us.

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Naruto and I headed back home and set to work. Naruto borrowed my bedroom to work on his tags—and Kimimaro joined him, out of curiosity—while I started brewing poisons and antidotes alongside Gedo and Doku.

"If you're dealing with morons that rely on super-powered chakra, you should use a poison that targets chakra," Sasori suggested.

I nodded, agreeing with this and turned to Kakuzu, who looked like he wanted to say something. "Yes, dear?"

"You can truly brew any poison?" Kakuzu asked, gesturing toward Gedo and Doku.

"Yep."

"Ever heard of Black Death?" Kakuzu asked, and Sasori's face lit up like the fourth of July in America. No, like a little kid who was just told he could have all the toys in the toy store on Christmas. Boy Toy was happy.

"No?" I asked, curious about why two grown men seemed like they were about to explode from fanboying.

"Do you know how to make it?" Sasori demanded of Kakuzu, a bright gleam in his eyes.

"I do, but it was too complicated to make a successful batch," Kakuzu answered, glancing over at Doku excitedly—or as excitedly as a grumpy old miser could get.

"What's the Black Death?" I asked.

"The most vile poison in the history of poisons," Sasori responded. "Long ago, there was a genius poison mistress who invented it to purge a corrupt temple. Hundreds of people dead within the hour from one inhale. What makes it so vile is that it doesn't disperse for years. It's a lingering plague."

Goosebumps crawled up my arms from excitement. "Oh my gosh that sounds so cool. We have to try out this mission! Er—but only if there's an antidote, since I don't want to accidentally kill the person I'm escorting."

"I don't know the antidote," Kakuzu admitted.

"Then you and Sasori better start brainstorming. As soon as we've got an antidote, I'll test it out. I promise!" I clapped my hands together excitedly. "Oh man this is going to be great."

I brewed up a few more new poisons Sasori and Kakuzu wanted to test out—these all had antidotes that Gedo verified would work—and bottled them up. Some of them were put in bombs that would have them explode out as a gas, while others would serve well to coat weapons.

When it was time for all of us to meet up, I handed out a fair share of poisons and antidotes, and off the four (plus two ghostie ghosts) of us went.

We travelled through the night, and I explained what I knew about the events to unfold. We all agreed that if we could go ahead and kill the four henchmen outright, we should do so.

The four big bad henchmen would bust into the priestess's castle to try and kill her. They'd slaughter a good portion of the amount of men protecting her before we could reach them, and just before they'd get to the priestess, Naruto would jump in between.

Naruto would then use his shadow clones to force them all outside—and his clones would carry away the unconscious guards—and then we would really go to town on killing them. The important thing was to make sure they didn't escape to replenish their chakra.

Neji would run ahead of us to make sure no one snuck by us, though. Gotta be extra safe!

Our team ran on through the night, and as dawn finally began to break through the trees the castle came into sight. Naruto blitzed straight on, creating a massive amount of shadow clones to carry the soldiers and guards away before bursting in through the front door.

Neji followed behind him, but went over the castle to meet up with the priestess as she was escaping.

Lee and I prepared to greet the four henchmen.

I tossed him a few poison bombs, and I coated my kunai with good ol' Krait's Kiss.

Barely a minute after Naruto headed into the castle did the four hench rush out, with a mob of Naruto shadow clones right at their heels. I threw the first poison bomb directly at them, and blue gas exploded outward covering the entire area before rapidly dispersing.

"Woo-hoo! More test subjects!" I cheered joyfully. Of course the poison I had used there was a new one—called Orchid's Dance, courtesy of Kakuzu—and it wouldn't show immediate effects.

It'd definitely kill them within the hour, though, like all good poison should.

"Urk! What is this nasty stuff?" one of the unimportant movie henchmen complained.

But there wasn't any time for a proper conversation since Lee dove head first into the trio, slamming a poison bomb directly into the chest of one of them.

Boom! This time it was an explosion of red gas—this one was called Scarlet Fever, invented by Sasori—and the henchmen leapt away, stumbling as they did so.

"Poison...?" one of them wheezed, dropping to their knees.

"Poison is OP," I observed. "Ridiculously OP. At least against trash. Urgh. Why do a lot of the hot villains have immunity? Madara-sama should not be immune to poison, that's just not fair. I won't be able to use my strip poison on him."

Of course no one really cared about my bemoaning. It made sense why some of them had high resistances, or straight up immunity. Madara, Obito, and Itachi were bonafide Uchihas, which granted them Plot Hole Power. All relevant Uchihas gained poison immunity to a certain extent.

Nagato, and Konan were born and raised in Amegakure, one of the villages renowned for their poisons. Same went for Kisame, and Sasori—although since he turned his body into a puppet, he gained a new vulnerability to certain poisons.

Frankly speaking, it was straight up unfair that I couldn't use my original poison on them. I worked hard to make a hallucigen that would make you strip! I should at least be able to use it on Madara.

But, nope. Madara was too dang powerful.

At least it took care of movie henchmen for me.

"Oh. It looks like the two have combined perfectly," Sasori observed as all three of the henchmen doubled over in pain.

I pulled out my notebook and began to take notes. "Oh, my."

"Fascinating," Kakuzu observed when one of them projectile vomited.

"That's sick," Naruto decided, grimacing. "Ugh. That's gross, how can you watch that, Sakura-chan?"

"I think it's cool," I defended. "

"I think... I think I'm going to go find Neji. Yeah..." Naruto inched away from the soon to be corpses. "Lee, wanna come?"

"Yes," Lee responded, looking eager to get away from the movie villains.

"Oh. I didn't expect their eyes to explode," Sasori commented.

"Hm. From the blood vessels, you think?" Kakuzu mused.

"We'll do an autopsy once we've healed up the soldiers, and checked in with the priestess," I told them. "What a lovely day."

Both Akatsuki members agreed with me.

It took twenty minutes before the henchmen officially died. Neji got a solid cut on the fourth henchmen—he went after the priestess while we were dealing with the other three—and Krait's Kiss had him on his knees within minutes.

So, all four of the movie henchmen were effectively eliminated before they caused any real trouble.

Once I was done taking notes, I set about performing my duty as a doctor and healing up the soldiers. About a dozen of them required the use of Shosen, while the rest got off with minor injuries. THankfully none of them needed transplants, or other risky surgeries, so I was able to get everyone taken care of within two hours.

During that time, my team helped clean up and set up traps around the castle. The priestess wouldn't see to any of us until her men were taken care of.

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Shion, the priestess we were tasked to protect, met with us later that morning. She was donned up in her formal attire, and sat upon her throne while we took our seats in front of her. She certainly a cutie, with long pale blonde hair and pretty purple eyes. Not as much of a cutie as Hina-chan, of course, but definitely someone you'd wanna cuddle with on a rainy day.

Plus she was a soft tsundere, a proper rarity.

(Soft tsunderes, were tsunderes that didn't resort to violence. They were the type to use cold words to cover up their emotions, and try to distance themselves from others in fear of getting hurt.)

Her attendant, Taruho, bowed and said, "Behold, Shion, the priestess of the Land of Ogres."

"I am Hyuuga Neji, leader of team seven," Neji introduced.

"Rock Lee." Lee saluted.

"Haruno Sakura," I said with a wink.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"We've come to escort Shion-sama to the sealing shrine," Neji said.

"A lot of lives were lost in the assault last night, and just as Shion-sama foretold Susuki was among them," Taruho murmured quietly.

Shion scoffed. "Naturally. But as you can see, I still breathe. I'm sure they shoulder no regret."

"Oi," Naruto growled out, instantly triggered, but I grabbed his hand. He looked back at me in confusion, and I gave him a smile and wink.

"Don't worry, honey. She's upset, but she doesn't want to show weakness," I soothed him, pulling him back down to sit beside me. "She's their priestess, which means she has to present herself in a certain way."

"Oh." Naruto sat back down, looking back up at Shion with a furrowed brow. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Shion's face remained impassive, but there was a glimmer of grief inside of her eyes. She pursed her lips and said in a quiet voice, "Thank you. Returning to the matter at hand... you said that you were here to escort me?"

"Correct," Neji answered on our behalf. "When will you be ready to leave?"

"Give me an hour," came her response.

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Dear Sakura,

A Jashinist and a GILF? I have to admit I don't know what a Jashinist is, so please enlighten me. But the GILF...

Did I ever tell you my first love was an old man? Well, he claimed he was an old man, and acted like a damn miser, but he didn't look old. It was right after my first gig, and I was feeling worse than usual. I stumbled into a bad crowd, but then this man came in and beat them all down. He said it was because the leader had a bounty, not to help me, but oddly enough he kept showing up.

Maybe it really was all a coincidence, but then again maybe not.

One thing lead to another, but we eventually had to part ways for good.

A bit of a summer romance—and probably completely one sided—but it's still one of my fondest memories.

Although I didn't even catch his name.

Sorry for the dump!

Yours,

Yukie

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Dear Sakura,

What?

Yours,

Gaara

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Drama & work & other huge events have been going on in my life for the past couple months. It looks like February might finally be the time things unwind, so here's hoping for that!

Answer: A sentient plant that could transform freely and manipulate magic.

Question: What kind of magical weapon would you like?

Reviews are love!