CHAPTER NINE
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HAVE I GONE MAD?

The question echoed in his head at every waking hour. He had been driven to madness, dragged into her chaos unwillingly, and without meaning to he had begun to lean on her, look for her, and need her near.

That was what the Whisperer did to people. To him. She made sure her face was etched in his mind from the moment they met. Her face had been an ethereal dream that seldom visited him in his sleep throughout his years in Ketterdam. And even though he hadn't recognized her when she came back to him, her smile was enough to unlock a part of his soul that couldn't refuse her.

Dirtyhands had fallen far into the Whisperer's trap. Unwillingly. And willingly he remained.

In the blissful agony that was her touch. A touch that woke every ghost inside him, that triggered the sickness he felt at the thought of flesh, and proceeded to slaughter them back into their shallow graves with her melodic voice, her saintly laugh, the golden smile she wore like a loaded gun.

When they stood together, in the little corner of the busy city of Bhez Ju, he had held her wrist in his hand, running his thumb across her pulse point, feeling her heartbeat through her skin. Alive, alive, alive, that was the thought running through his head as they plotted their next move, as Dirtyhands and the Whisperer used their talents to try and get their payment—and save Ravka—as he lost himself in her hazel eyes, and realized something he wasn't ready to speak yet.

It was their secret. Something that went unspoken between them. The need to feel the closeness, the need to lower their walls around each other when the world turned their backs. Don't go soft on me now, Dirtyhands. Kira didn't need him to be selfless, she didn't need him to die for her. He would kill for her. Turn the world to ashes if it was her wish. But he would be by her side when it happened, and perhaps...

Perhaps he would be able to pull himself together into a semblance of a man for her. For the blissful agony of her touch. He would be able to pull her into his arms as he'd often seen Jesper do. Perhaps Dirtyhands could be capable of something more than damage.

But maybes and what-ifs were a gamble in life, and Kaz needed to know the odds before he took it. And first, he needed to empty Ravka's pockets.

"Ohval's not just a fence," Kaz told the group as they gathered in a room. His eyes met Kira's before he added, "She's The Disciple."

He saw her hide her smirk and nearly rolled his eyes. They had agreed not to tell the others about Kira's assumptions, because if they were right—and Kaz didn't have any reason to doubt they were—that would make Ohval, Sakta Neyar. Which meant part of their group would refuse to steal from a Saint—his eyes flickered over to Inej and Tolya.

"What... what tipped you off?" asked Wylan.

"Her tea cup. When she set it down, she did so without a sound."

"And her heartbeat never fluctuated once," Nina said from where she lounged on the corner, fanning herself, next to Kira who was doing the same. "It held at one beat a second like a clock."

"So, she can control her heart rate and her emotions," concluded Tolya.

Wylan nodded. "Those are useful skills for a thief."

"This is where you tell us where the blade is," Jesper informed him.

"Ohval has it. Her signal to the waitress to spill tea on me told me as much."

"It's as if I know you," Jesper whispered and Kira let out a laugh.

"He's quite predictable in his all-knowingness," she said.

Kaz's scowl deepened as he glanced at her. "What then, am I going to say next?"

Her grin widened and she cleared her throat before deepening her voice and making it raspy—Kaz hoped he didn't sound like that. "And if she's not going to sell it to us, we'll just have to take it."

"That is very Kaz, yes," Jesper commented with a nod and Kira bowed dramatically. Kaz's lips nearly tipped up involuntarily which made him scowl even more and glare at both of them.

"After Nina and I ordered the tea," said Kaz, ignoring their amused grins, "I had Inej follow the tea shop employee who was sent to notify Ohval."

"She lives just outside the city," Inej spoke up from where she sat, "When she stopped at the tea shop, she placed an order at the apothecary that she'll be picking up tonight. I watched her at home a while, no one came or went except her."

"While she's out of the house, Nina will tail her to make sure she stays out of the house," Kaz concluded. "The rest of us will grab the blade."

Zoya scoffed and Kaz turned to her unamused. "You don't seriously expect me to break into this woman's house."

"Uh, why do you think we're here?" Jesper asked.

"I'm a soldier, not a thief."

"You're a pain in our arse right now," Kira replied from where she sat and Zoya glared at her. "Thieves and soldiers aren't all that different. It's not as if you've never done anything immoral," she added with a pointed look and Squaller clenched her jaw.

Kaz narrowed his eyes ever so slightly, it had been the second time that Kira managed to shut the Squaller up with a well-versed sentence drenched in implications and second meanings. She had told him there were no secrets of hers left to steal, but Kaz was sure he'd spotted one. He just didn't know why she was keeping it from him.

"I'll go with Nina," the Squaller announced and the girl in question choked on the walnuts she had been eating.

Nina turned to Kaz with a look, "Are you sure you don't need me? I mean, Zoya can tail Ohval."

Kaz didn't trust the soldier to go by herself, not when he could have one of his crows tailing behind, someone with actual abilities to stop a heart without a fuss. "Nina and Zoya will wait for Ohval at the apothecary. Follow her. If she starts heading home, buy us some time. Distract her."

•••

Tolya crouched down on the dirt in front of the entrance of the house, quickly sketching the layout of the building. "This house is traditional. It has a specific layout. We enter through the front courtyard, antechamber, middle courtyard, main chamber."

"We sweep the entirety," Kaz said with a nod. He walked towards the door, tools at hand to pick the lock. He had been adamant Kira shouldn't use her abilities to open it because she had the habit of merely destroying the locks and they were trying to be inconspicuous. As his hands worked on the lock he turned to Wylan. "How long will it take you to set up?"

"I can have the door open in about five minutes. And if Ohval trips it, we have two minutes before the firecrackers go off to get out."

"Even if she returns prematurely," said Inej, "we cannot leave without the blade."

"Yes, the future of Ravka and my payment depend on it," Kaz said turning to the group, "I'm aware."

"Well, Ravka doesn't really have much of a future if Vasily is to be king," Kira informed them, referring to who Kaz now understood was her older brother and not as favored by her as Sturmhond. "So, really, it's just the payment."

Tolya rolled his eyes at her. "It's more than the future of Ravka at stake. If we fail, Shu Han, Fjerda, Ketterdam, and beyond, they'll feel the weight of the Darkling bare down on them."

Jesper whistled lowly. "Way to up the stakes."

Kaz turned back to the lock and finally managed to crack it, opening the doors for the others to enter. He entered the front courtyard cautiously before heading to the door of the antechamber, Kira, Inej, and Tolya following behind him, whilst Wylan set up the door and Jesper did whatever he very well-liked apparently.

"You have very nice hands," Kira whispered as he watched him unlock the door and Kaz narrowed his eyes at her. She lifted her arms in surrender. "I'm just complimenting you, Dirtyhands."

Inej snorted softly by her side. "Don't you know Dirtyhands doesn't take well to complements? He thinks they're a bribe."

"Perhaps, I was bribing him," Kira replied, both girls speaking as if he wasn't even there.

"For what?" Tolya inquired curiously and Kira shrugged innocently. This was when Kaz knew nothing good would leave her lips, and so he finally cracked the lock, opening the door.

"Jesper," he called out, making Kira let out a laugh, "We're going in. Close the doors behind you."

Kaz threw the doors open as they carefully walked into the antechamber. Kira raised herself on her toes next to him and whispered in his ear. "I was bribing you for a good time," she whispered, "see what those hands can do."

Never in his life, had Kaz met someone so crude look so much like a princess. She had been a princess. Now she was a Saint. A Saint with a filthy mind and bloodstained hands.

Kaz glared at the amused smile on her face.

"I sense a heartbeat," Tolya informed them as he walked further into the antechamber.

"I thought the compound was empty," replied Jesper.

"It's faint. Further in the house." Tolya took one step—one damn step—and activated a mechanism that caused the doors to close before any of them could prevent them.

Inej snatched a dagger from her waist and shoved it against the fabric-looking doors. The dagger bounced right off, not even making a dent. "It's impenetrable."

Kaz walked near the wall, clanging his cane against the frame. "The frames are made of metal."

"They're Durast-made," Jesper said with a sigh.

Kaz turned to Kira, whose eyes were closed, hands moving in front of her, the more Grisha he had ever seen her look. She grunted under her breath and opened her eyes. "I can't open them." She turned to him. "I'm telling you it's her."

"Who?" asked Jesper just as a clanging noise came from somewhere around them, the sound of clogs turning and mechanisms being activated. "That does not sound good."

"There's something in the air," Tolya said looking up.

Kaz turned on his heels and saw a red gas starting to enter the chamber. He couldn't help but inhale it. A cough left his lips. His head began feeling faint, heavy, unfocused. He glanced over his shoulder, his eyes meeting her hazel ones, and he could've sworn he saw her smile before collapsing on the ground. His eyes began drooping close and then he was falling.

He opened his arms as he fell backward, ready for the cold embrace of death, but instead, he plunged into gelid waters. He was drowning—

Hands gripped him by the collar and Kaz broke the surface and when his eyes opened Jordie was looking at him, a sneer on his face. "Did you really think I'd go away, brother?"

He was drowning again.
No Saint to save him this time.

Jordie held him underwater until his lungs stung from lack of breathing, but before he could gasp for air that wasn't there and let the water inside, Jordie pulled him up again. "Who are you without your vengeance?!"

He was shoved inside the water again. But unlike with Kira, this wasn't blissful agony, the ghosts didn't go back to their shallow graves slaughtered by her smile. This was just agony. The ghost of his brother wishing him death.

"What is the worth of life if you have no one left to fight for?" Jordie asked as he pulled him up again, and again into the waters. A vicious cycle that left him gasping for air, struggling to stay alive.

Then he was overwater again, but Jordie wasn't looking down at him. She was there, blurry and golden. His sin-covered Saint.

"Kaz!" her voice was heavenly as he drowned. "Wake up."

He had someone to fight for.

"Kaz!"

He could be someone without vengeance.

"Darling, wake up!"

He could love her. Live. Not survive.

Kaz's eyes snapped open. "Kira."

She smiled.

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(big) author's note:

okay, so, i've been kinda rereading
the story and realized i've
been progressing their relationship
with an actual mildly good pacing.
to be honest i was just winging it.

i really just don't want
to "get rid"of kaz's trauma
too fast—and by that i mean
just regarding kira and
obvs still there at some level

but all things considered
i don't think he's really ooc
especially since they have
the whole history
of reaper's barge and stuff
what do you think?

also, do you like the new cover
or the other one better? or in general.
they're really similar so idk.

and for everyone who's been
commenting on the story
and saying they love the book
and my writing, i just wanted
to say that i might not
answer every comment
(or mostly any) but i do read
them all and they make my day!
i like them too but i've noticed
you don't actually get notified
for those, so... whatever.

thank you for all the support! ily!!