"Cap, may kulang pa po tayo!" 

I arched a brow and reviewed the flight details to check the attendance of the cabin crew. The side of my lips rose up when I read her name. 

Ashianna Kim Fernandez. 

"I don't care. Let's start," I started the safety briefing. 

Ever since I left the country, I had been visiting once a year to renew my commercial license so I wouldn't lose it. Hinahanap ko siya palagi bawat uwi ko, at tumigil lang noong malamang dito na siya nagtatrabaho sa FlyAsia. I worked in Delta for a few years before I went back here and applied for a job after my father died. 

"I have always loved your mother." Those were his last words.

My parents did not really end up together, even though they got married and had kids. At some point, maybe they got tired of being separated. They kept on saying that the love faded, but at his last moment, all he could think about were his memories with her. 

I had this idea that before we die, all of our memories with the most important people in our life will play again in just a couple of seconds before we become at peace. 

The death of my father broke my mother's heart, and mine. It was so hard to see him in the hospital bed, his body giving up, but he was still trying to fight. It made me realize how important it was to be with the people we love before we die, so we could have no regrets. 

It had been tough. Life had been tough on me, but I reminded myself that I control my future and if I won't get out of my dark past, I won't go anywhere but here, on the same position, mourning and hurting. 

My dad wanted me to do what I was best in, and that was flying. I realized that working in United States did not really make me happy, although I had friends. Ever since my father died, I just felt terrible. It was so tiring I had to go back here to find my comfort. It had always been this country, and it had always been her. 

"Tara na, Cap," our first officer said when we arrived at the airport.

I suddenly stopped walking when I saw her in front with some of the flight attendants. She was laughing with her friends, pulling her small black suitcase. My heart immediately skipped a beat when she looked sideways, almost catching my eyes. 

Was she taller? I think she became taller, and... slimmer. She was wearing her clean uniform and her hair was in a clean bun. She looked more mature and more professional but her features remained the same. 

I think she cut her hair just below her chest. That was what I saw in Samantha's Instagram story last week. 

I think she did not see me. Hindi ko nga alam kung alam niya bang ako ang kapitan sa flight na 'to. Knowing Yanna, she probably forgot or overlooked. I chuckled by myself, watching her act so carefree with her friends after we passed by the immigration. 

When we entered the cockpit, we went over our checklist and got permission from the air traffic control to start. It was a usual thing for me to do, something automatic in my system... Since I had been doing this for years. 

"Cabin crew, prepare for take-off," I announced. 

It was a long flight to Qatar and I did not get any sleep last night, maybe because of excitement, so I had to rest. Pagkapasok ko sa crew rest station, mag-isa lang ako kaya umupo ako sa unang kamang nakita ko sa left side. I tried to rest but I couldn't sleep. I was just closing my eyes for a few hours until two flight attendants entered the room. 

"Oh my god. Good evening, Cap!" 

Sasagot na sana ako pero nakita kong may babaeng nakasunod sa kanila sa likuran, iniiwas ang tingin sa 'kin. She was avoiding me so bad. Siguro narinig ang announcement ko kanina kaya alam na niyang narito ako. 

"Good evening," I answered back politely. 

She sat on the bunk bed in front of me and looked on the other side while taking off her scarf. Her lips were pursed, like she was refraining herself from talking. 

Nagpaalam na rin ako sa kanila at bumalik na sa cockpit dahil malapit nang mag-landing. I also felt like she didn't want my presence there so I immediately left. I felt the same way when she grabbed her friend's arm inside the van so she could sit beside her.

"Dito ka!" 

I bit my lower lip and looked away, finding the situation amusing for me. Bakit ba niya 'ko iniiwasan? Like we were not... friends. 

"I'll just take the shotgun seat," I talked to my co-pilots. 

I opened the shotgun door like what I said. They were talking about going out for dinner and I wanted to go but I realized that Yanna won't like my presence there so I just said I'll ask for room service. I didn't want to force myself on her if she was not ready yet. 

We rested in our hotel room for a bit. Hindi ako makatulog kaya lumabas muna ako sa balcony at tinanaw ang ilaw ng matatayog na building. It was a bit cold because of the season. Papasok na sana ako ulit nang mapansing may tao sa kabila.

I glanced at Yanna and our eyes met for a second, until I realized that she was wearing my sweater. 

My sweater. Alam ko kagaad na sa 'kin 'yon, because it had a small letter 'H' on the bottom left side of it. 

Tumalikod kaagad siya sa 'kin at pumasok sa loob, umaaktong walang nakita. I was like a ghost to her. Kapag nakikita niya 'ko, nagugulat siya palagi na parang hindi siya sanay. I still tried to understand her side. I was gone for years. Kahit ganoon ang trato niya sa 'kin, okay lang, at least nakikita ko siya hindi katulad noon na hindi ko alam kung nasaan siya. 

I preferred this treatment than getting nothing at all. 

"Ako na sa shotgun seat, Cap!" Caleb insisted. 

It was our second flight together, at sa Japan pa. I remembered her talking about how much she wanted to go to Japan, so I pulled some strings to bring her here with a 4-day layover so she could take her time to roam around. 

"Their steak tastes good," I suggested.

"Steak na naman."

All of us looked at Yanna when she suddenly commented on my suggestion. I pursed my lips and looked away with amusement in my eyes. In the game of hiding our past relationship, Yanna was really doing bad. Sooner or later, everyone in our crew will know. 

"Rapunzel..." she whispered, looking for something inside the Disney store. 

"Here," I pointed at the Disney princess section. 

I reached for the Rapunzel doll and gave it to her, confused of the reason why she was suddenly into Disney princesses. I wanted to ask but I stopped myself. We were not in that kind of relationship to ask personal things about each other anyway. At least... we were not anymore. 

"Nilalamig ka? Ito, scarf ko! Suot mo muna!"

Naunahan niya 'ko. I suddenly felt jealous of Caleb. Yanna was treating him differently. Malamig siya sa 'kin, pero mabait siya sa iba. Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo. Kahit kailan, wala akong reklamo kay Yanna. She can do anything at her own pace. I respected that. I respected her space... but I felt jealous. 

Just for once in my life, I wanted to be someone else. 

"Are you cold?" I broke the silence.

I wanted to give her my gloves. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to embrace her. 

"Okay lang naman po, Cap."

Po? Cap? 

Jesus, she was treating me like an old man now! 

"Can you drop the po and opo, please?"

How hard it was to make some moves on someone who treated you like an old colleague or an old brother, right? Po and opo? What was I? A grandpa? A sugar daddy? 

"How's your car?" tanong ko nang magkasalubong kami sa parking. We just landed in Manila. 

"Gawa na." She opened the door of her old car. 

I also opened mine but stopped when I saw her staring at me, like she wanted to talk or even ask something. She was so easy to read. Hindi siya nagbago sa parteng 'yon.

"Do you... want to ask something?" I closed the door again softly.

"Are you selling one of your old cars?"

It caught me off guard. Of all the things I expected her to ask, this wasn't one of those. She wanted to buy my car? I wouldn't mind giving it to her for free. Hell, she can have my new car, the one I was about to drive at that moment. She can have everything from me. 

"I have a silver Tesla."

"How much?" she asked.

"Uh..." I looked away and scratched my head a little. "I haven't thought about it. I'll just message you."

Free. I wanted to say for free but stopped myself. Baka mahalata niya 'ko. I didn't want to scare her or something. 

Why would a man give his car for free, right? 

"You don't have my number." She rolled her eyes.

"Right," I said in a whisper.

I lied. I had her number. I had the contact details of my crew, in case of an emergency,  but I did not save it. I did not save hers. I wanted to ask for it formally. 

Nilabas ko ang phone ko para ipalagay sa kanya ang number niya pero napatigil din nang makita ang wallpaper. It was her in Sagada. Nakatalikod siya sa 'kin at nakaharap sa araw. It was our last destination. I felt a pain on my chest, remembering that time. 

"We'll see each other next week," sambit ko na lang. 

We had another flight to Atlanta. I was busy with the controls and almost lost my focus when I heard her voice during the announcement. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you haven't already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Please take your seat and fasten your seat belt. And also make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position." 

I felt proud. I smiled by myself while looking at the monitor. 

"Ang saya mo naman, Cap," Caleb commented. 

"She sounds nice..." I couldn't help but smile.  

"Sino, Cap?" His brows furrowed. "'Yong air traffic control?" 

God, he was so clueless. 

"For a gift," Yanna answered when I saw her looking for small shoes. 

At that moment, I already had doubts, but I refused to embrace them in my thoughts. I didn't want to accept her... getting married and having a child with another man. That should be me. 

When we arrived back at the hotel, I went outside of my room for a bit to answer my mom's call. [I know what you did.] bungad niya sa 'kin. 

"What?" I sighed. I knew exactly what she was talking about. 

[You used your connection again to flirt! You scumbag!] she accused. 

"I am here for work. What are you implying?" I still denied. "Why would I flirt with anyone here, huh?"

[Really? You scheduled your flight again with Miss Fernandez. Layover pa, ha.] 

"I need to go, Mom..." Binaba ko kaagad ang tawag dahil nakita kong nilagpasan ako ni Yanna. 

It was going well. My relationship with her was going so well until that day Ericka told me some devastating news about Yanna. We were hanging out in a small rooftop bar just near Shan's condo when she opened up about what happened earlier that day. 

"I saw Yanna! Ang sexy niya lalo, ah!" pagkekwento niya. 

Hindi ako nagsalita at uminom lang sa beer na hawak ko. My right arm was draped on the other chair beside me and my other hand was holding the bottle of beer. A jazz band was playing in the background and they were only a few people inside. 

"Hi! Is someone seated here?" A woman pointed at the chair beside me. 

My eyes lazily glanced at Shan and pointed the chair beside him. I saw how his eyes turned to panic mode when the woman started walking towards him. I chuckled and played with my bottle, waiting for his next excuse. 

"We're waiting for someone!" he rejected. "Sorry!" 

"Oh, okay..." The woman sighed and walked away. 

"Gago ka talaga." He raised his middle finger on me so I laughed. It was fun watching him panic because of women trying to flirt with him. 

"What about Yanna?" I asked Ericka so we can get back on the topic. 

"Okay, I saw her in a supermarket, but... But! She was with her husband and kid! I saw them with my two eyes! The kid literally called her Mommy!"

Muntik ko nang madura ang iniinom ko. 

"Ano?!" Malakas na tumawa si Shan, akala nakikipagbiruan si Ericka. "Ericka, you should stop getting high, I swear to-"

"Gago ka ba?" Ericka cut him off. "I'm serious! The guy even looked familiar to me!" 

"Hiro, seryoso raw siya." Siniko ako ni Shan, tumatawa pa rin, obviously not taking it seriously. 

"Ang sabi noong baby girl, Mommy! Tapos may inaabot na chocolates and then ayaw kaya sa Daddy nagpabili! I saw it!" 

Umiling ako at inubos ang beer sa bote nang isang lagukan lang. I didn't know how to react to that information. 

"Sinundan ko pa nga sa parking! May BMW 'yong guy! Big time!" Ericka continued.

I considered buying a new car that night. 

I woke up grumpy. I knew I still had to confirm but when I heard Yanna answering the phone with her softest voice I never heard of when she talked to me, I told myself that it was over. It was really true! She even called him baby for fuck's sake. 

"Baby..." I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Fucking endearment. Corny." 

I was sulking the whole flight, hanggang sa pag-uwi, and what a fucking coincidence! 

I saw the guy's car parked beside mine. Gusto ko nang pumasok sa kotse ko pero mas gusto ko silang guluhin. The man... I think he was an inch taller than me... was wearing a white button-down dress shirt rolled up to his sleeves. He looked formal and professional. 

Sumingkit ang mata ko at tiningnan siyang mabuti, inaalala kung saan ko ba siya nakita. Have we met before? 

"Do you have a flight tomorrow?" I asked Yanna. 

"Wait..." Kinuha niya ang cellphone niya.

"Wala ata siyang flight. 'Di ba may party si Sam?" 

Did I ask him? 

Did I fucking ask him? Bakit siya sumasagot? Alam na alam pa niya ang schedule, ah. 

"I didn't ask you," I said coldly. 

I saw how shocked he was. I wasn't also used to being this rude so I had to text Yanna to apologize. I wanted to be kind but I just couldn't when it was the man... she got pregnant with. Did she change her mind about not having the baby? 

From: Ashianna ♥

My engineer said 'no worries'. :) 

Yanna really knew how to piss me off. Naiisip ko nang sinasadya niya pero mas napipikon lang ako. 

Just to get even, I attended Sam's party when Shan invited me to go. He said he wanted to see someone. When we arrived, we went straight to Giselle's table to greet some of our friends there. Giselle and I were civil. Good friends. 

"Kalix," I greeted when he arrived. 

"Hey." He gave me a high-five and a pat on the back. "Bakit ka nandito?" 

"I had to see someone," I reasoned out. 

I really didn't give a damn about Kalix and Giselle going out. They can do whatever they wanted with their lives. We were already over a long time ago. 

I wanted to ask him if he knew the name of the engineer but I doubted that. Wala naman masyadong kilala ang taong 'to. He was too busy with his law books. Nagulat pa 'kong narito siya at hindi busy. 

I knew they weren't married. Yanna wasn't wearing a wedding ring, the reason why I had the guts to sit beside her and slightly make my move... But of course! Of course, the engineer had to step in. 

"Wew, ewan ko sa inyo. Bakit nadadamay na naman ako rito?!"

And I got it confirmed. Yanna was indeed single. I smirked and drank the remaining whiskey on the glass. I had to celebrate. 

I knew she had a child. I purposely gave her gifts even though I believed that the child wasn't mine. She made that clear years ago, pero hanggang ngayon, gusto kong ipaalam sa kanya na kaya kong tumayong tatay para sa anak niya, kahit hindi sa 'kin. 

I love Yanna. I love everything about her, and everyone related to her. Those were always my thoughts.

"Candy!" The little kid pointed at the pack. 

I was about to walk out of the store when I heard the little girl, struggling to get the candy. I walked over and bent so I could give her the pack, but suddenly stopped when the girl looked at me and smiled. My lips parted as I stared at her familiar features. 

Yanna. 

"Avrielle!" 

Sabay kaming napalingon kay Yanna na tumatakbo na palapit, nagmamadali. 

"Pilot, Mommy!" 

"Y-yes, anak. Let's go." 

"My daddy is a pilot too!" 

I inhaled a harsh breath while the puzzle inside my head was slowly building on its own. I stared at the kid again and noticed some familiar features that did not belong to Yanna. They were... mine.

"I like your hair clip," I said softly.

"Daddy gave it to me!"  

My brows furrowed and looked back at Yanna, now building conclusions in my mind. When I saw her reaction, I immediately knew I was right. 

The possibility of her having a child with me already occurred in my mind years ago, but I refused to believe in something that she easily denied. It broke my heart. I already lost the slightest hope that I had years ago. 

"Avrielle, this is your dad..." 

My heart slowly shattered when I saw my daughter hiding behind her mother's legs. I was like a stranger to her. Hindi ko alam kung nahihiya siya sa 'kin o natatakot. I wanted to give her time to process everything, but all I yearned for at that moment was to hold her in my arms. 

I stared at her now with so much regret. Tears started streaming down my face when I heard her crying on my shoulder. I hugged her tight and apologized over and over even if I knew my apologies wouldn't bring back our lost time together. 

I should have been there. The 'what if's slowly ate my system. What if I stayed? Will things become different? O papayagan niya ba 'kong hindi umalis? 

I cried so hard that night, thinking about how wrong it was for me to leave just like that. Just like that! I should have tried harder to find her. I should have known better... that the child was mine. 

Hindi ko magawang magalit kay Yanna dahil kung ako ang nasa pwesto niya, mas pipiliin kong tuparin niya ang pangarap niya kaysa manatili sa 'kin, because our love wasn't selfish. 

Our love was freeing.

Our love allowed us to fly... at our own pace.

And maybe at some point, she loved me back... like the way I did. Kung sinabi niya lang, kahit isang beses noon, na mahal niya 'ko, wala nang kahit anong makakapagpaalis sa 'kin. I was ready to become selfish for once. 

But I had other responsibilities. I had a dream. I had plans.

I lost so much time with her and my daughter that I tried so hard to make up for it. Avi represented our love for aviation... Our love for flying. She was the fruit of our love and passion. 

I was proud of Yanna for raising our daughter right. I expected Avrielle to have grudges or to feel awkward and uncomfortable with me, but she wasn't. She was like her mother. She made me feel at home and at peace. She embraced me with warmth and welcomed me in her arms. 

Hindi ko pa siya nakikilala, alam ko sa sarili kong mahal ko na ang anak ko. It was funny how I told myself that I won't have a child ever in my life, but at that moment, I just wanted to build a family with Yanna. 

It was only with her. Kung hindi sa kanya, mas gugustuhin kong manatili na lang na mag-isa. 

"Safe skies." Those were her last words before I left for Dubai. 

I had a bad feeling about the flight, so I became more focused. I didn't know if it was because I wasn't in charge with most of the controls or I just didn't want to be paired with Captain Gonzales. 

He was very impulsive for me, and he didn't like taking orders. He would rather die alone than ask someone for help. That was my impression on him. 

"Do you have a family, Captain Juarez?" he asked while we were preparing for our descent in Dubai Airport. 

"Yes, Sir," I answered politely. 

"Lovely. I also miss my family..." He sighed. 

I watched the controls and listened to the air traffic control. We have started our descent procedure and we were about to land when the tower instructed us to go around. A go-around is a procedure we do to make another attempt in landing for various reasons. In this case, it was because of the wind shear and the change in temperature. 

"Go-around, Captain," I repeated. "Do you know the procedure?" I asked, trying not to sound rude. 

"Of course." 

The wind shear was affecting our air speed and it was hard to control. 

"The wind is not good," sambit ko ulit just to warn him. "I can do the go-around-" 

"658, continue straight. Climb to 4000 feet," the tower instructed.

"Straight ahead to 4000, FR658," Captain Gonzales answered.

"We need to increase the engine thrust," I suggested.

"The plane can handle, Captain Juarez."

I checked the monitor again and furrowed my brows as we tried to climb again after our main-wheel touchdown. 

"Flap setting reduced. Our landing gear will fail. We need to change the setting of the engine," I continued.

"Relax, Captain." He was so focused and composed. 

"Our airspeed is decreasing. We wouldn't make it-"

My words were cut off when the plane suddenly skidded in the runway, with our landing gear retracted, failing to climb up. 

I immediately stood up and tried to turn off some controls while Captain Gonzales announced the emergency. My heartbeat sped up when I heard loud beeps, together with the instructions of the tower. 

"FR658, crash vehicles proceeding now to your scene!" 

I went outside the cockpit to see if everyone was already evacuating and went inside again to talk to the tower. Fuck, everyone was panicking. I had to stay calm... Stay calm. 

"FR658, get out of there," the tower warned. "All stations on Delivery frequency, I need radio silence for the next ten minutes. I'll call you back." 

"Fire 2, proceed to runway 12L." 

"Fire 1, proceed to the aircraft. Fire 1, proceed to the aircraft." 

"FR658, get out of there. Get out of the aircraft." 

I went out to find Captain Gonzales but he was gone with the passengers. That asshole! My feet wouldn't move. I knew I had to leave, but I couldn't. I had to make sure that everyone already evacuated. 

"Fuck!" Napahawak ako sa ulo ko. 

I muttered curses and went back to the cockpit before helping the crew. The passengers were panicking so we tried our best to remain composed. 

"Cap, tara na!" Brianna tried to pull me away. 

"Go on. I'll check the cabin," I instructed. 

Captains were always the last ones to leave the flight and at that moment, I was sure of my duty to go for the last cabin check just to see if there were any passengers left. My heart dropped when I saw a kid hiding in the galley.

"Hey..." I bent down and tried to reach for him. 

He reminded me of my daughter. I can never leave this kid behind. I can never leave anyone behind. 

"It's okay, it's okay..." I tried to comfort him. "Let's go." 

"Captain Juarez! Let's go!" Tumakbo ulit si Brianna papasok at binuhat ang bata. 

I let them evacuate first and ran around again to check the cabin. I coughed and covered my mouth and nose when the thick smoke started entering the plane. It was only after a few seconds of evacuating when the plane exploded into a fire. 

"Cap!" 

I coughed and removed the towel covering my mouth and nose. Hinatak na 'ko ni Brianna bago ko pa lingunin ang nasusunog na eroplano. Tumingin ako sa paligid para tingnan kung may nasugatan o wala, at nang makita ko si Captain Gonzales na kasama ng crew, nag-init kaagad ang ulo ko.

"Captain Juarez!" Some flight attendants had to grab my arm when I went for the pilot. 

Kinwelyuhan ko kaagad siya. I wanted to be violent. I was so close to punching him in the face but immediately stopped when I saw him shaking out of fear. 

"You do not deserve your fucking position!" I hissed and let him go. "A lot of us could have died! I told you! I already told you!"

"Cap, tama na..." One of my crew tried to grab my arm again. 

"I fucking have a family!" My eyes were already bloodshot. Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtulo ng luha dahil sa galit. 

I could have died. I could have lost another moment with my daughter... and with Ashianna. It broke my heart to think about their possible reaction. 

The medical team had to check everyone's condition before transferring us to the nearest airport so the crew can go back immediately to Manila. We stayed there to be interviewed by some officials. I just knew at that moment that my mother will experience a severe headache because of what happened. 

But the most important thing for me was to go home. 

I stared at the gold ring I just bought while waiting for our flight home. Yanna wanted a nice ring... pero ito lang ang kaya kong mabigay sa ngayon. My luggage was lost and I only had my wallet so I bought another one for the clothes I bought when I changed. The shops were also limited inside the airport. Hindi ko alam kung magugustuhan niya ang binili ko pero bahala na. 

I almost faced death, and I realized that time will not stop for me. I wanted to marry her immediately. I wanted to be with her. At that moment, when the plane was about to explode, I couldn't accept dying in that tragic way. 

I haven't lived a good life yet. That was what I thought at that time.

A good life where I am married to the woman I love, and the only moment I look forward to in every flight bound to Manila was to go home. Go home to her... and our kids. 

"Hiro!" 

My eyes widened when I saw her in the Arrivals area, crying and holding Avrielle's hand. Nabitawan ko ang maletang dala ko nang bigla siyang tumakbo sa 'kin at niyakap ako nang mahigpit, umiiyak sa balikat ko. My arms immediately encircled her waist. 

"Tangina mo!" Hinampas niya ang dibdib ko. 

"Hey..." I hugged her tight and caressed her hair. 

"Why would you scare me like that?!" She cried more, hinampas pa ang likod ko. 

"I'm sorry..." I kissed the side of her head. "I'm sorry, my love..." 

Everyone was looking at us because we were stuck in the middle but I couldn't care less. I sighed and hugged her tighter now, whispering comforting words to her so she could calm down. 

"I bought something for you," sambit ko. 

Binitawan niya 'ko, tumutulo pa rin ang luha. Avrielle was looking innocently at us, wondering why her mother was crying. 

I reached for the string on my neck and removed it so I could give her the ring. I was scared that I would lose it, like my phone that exploded with the plane. 

Yanna cried more when she saw me holding the ring up. Hinampas niya ulit ako at nagtakip na ng mukha habang umiiyak.

"Daddy, bad!" Avrielle was tearing up now. "You made her cry... Bad..." 

My lips parted and tried to turn the situation around but Avi was now hugging her mother's legs, comforting her, naniniwalang sinaktan ko ang Mommy niya kaya umiiyak ngayon. Masama pa ang tingin niya sa 'kin. 

"Mommy... Don't cry." Avi cried now. 

"Yanna, hey..." Kinuha ko ang kamay niya para alisin sa pagtakip sa mukha niya.

She tried to wipe her tears as I slid the ring into her ring finger. 

"Let's marry," I whispered so desperately. 

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango, umiiyak pa rin. Ngumiti ako at niyakap siya, pinapatahan. Ang isang kamay ko ay hinahaplos ang buhok ni Avi na umiiyak din sa gilid, dala-dala ang stuff toy niya. 

"I told you I will come back." I caressed her hair. 

"I can't lose you again," she whispered, crying. "Please." 

"You will never lose me." I kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much." 

The weather was not always good with us. There were dark skies during the storm, but with Yanna, I had always believed that we will get through it. 

I will get through it. 

"I love you," she whispered, crying. 

Because she is my safe sky. With her, I am at peace. 

This is Captain Akihiro Leonel Juarez,

Ready for take-off.

- End -