Warning: SPG

He didn't cry. Ang sabi niya ay ilang beses na siyang umiyak. Para kay Eloisa, para sa kaniya, para sa kanilang dalawa.

For some reason I felt compelled to tell him what happened to me, because I could feel his guilt. It resonated with the very same feeling I got when Charles died. It never really left me, to be honest.

"My fiancé killed himself." There I said those words. I never had to before, because Charles and I were from the same hometown, shared the same acquaintances, I never really had to tell someone, "He shot himself in the head two days before we were supposed to marry."

This time it was his turn to pull me close and hug me.

"We were bestfriends for the longest time. Charles was my first and only boyfriend, Eli. We both lost our virginity to each other. Then one day... he shot himself... and I don't even know why."

I didn't say everything in one breath. I kept pausing because by the time I finished the first sentence I was a sobbing mess.

"'Yun ang hindi ko matanggap, Eli. Hindi ko matanggap na ginawa niya 'yun at wala akong alam kung bakit. Bakit? May kasalanan ba 'ko? May nangyari ba sa kaniya? Bakit hindi niya sinabi sakin na may pinagdadaanan siya? Bakit? Damn it! Bakit?"

Yes, I was so sad that Charles felt the weight of the world so bad he just had to kill himself. But more than the sadness was the guilt of not knowing he was feeling that way and another kind of guilt born out of feeling so angry that he left me without so much as an explanation.

Unti-unti ay binuhat ako ni Eli at dinala sa kuwarto ko. He set me on the bed carefully and then lay down beside me as he let me sob in his arms.

Isang taon ko na pinipilit na maging maayos. I was supposed to start as an accountant for the business his family owned after working for two years in Iloilo City but after what happened to Charles, his family seemed to have banned me from their lives.

My father was furious and wanted to demand an explanation but they wouldn't face us at all. Sa huli ay nagdesisyon ako na tigilan na sila. Baka talagang kasalanan ko kaya ni Charles ginawa 'yun.

Eli didn't say anything more. He just let me talk but mostly I just cried. There was something quite pathetic in not having someone to cry to but a stranger but never have I also felt so accepted.

It was another hour until I was calm enough to face him. I could hardly believe I'd spent an entire hour in bed with him. We were both lying on our side, my back to his chest while his arms were wrapped around me. How crazy can this be? I've never experienced something remotely close to this.

"Eli... I have a confession to make," I whispered thinking that maybe he has fallen asleep.

"Hmmm?"

I shifted so that now I was facing him and swallowed to brace myself. Slowly, I turned my downcast eyes to his face. He lifted a thumb and gently wiped away traces of tears. My snot must have been all over his sleeves and pillow now. Crap!

"You... are so... damn beautiful," he breathed and kissed what I was going to say away.

His lips brushed mine softly and delicately na para bang pakpak ng paru-paro. It was so unhurried like he was taking his time to know me and the taste of my lips, which I guess were salty because of my tears. I opened my mouth a little and that did the trick of goading him to be a bit more aggressive. He nibbled on my lower lip and suck it in a way that made me want him sucking something more... private.

I moved my hands and took on the task of unclasping the buttons of his jeans. He must have been surprised at my boldness but he let me do it.

"Vashti..." he said my name as he broke the kiss.

"Gusto ko."

He stood up to finish taking off his pants but didn't have time to remove his shirt before I was pulling him back to the bed. He may have the patience but I don't. You'd think I have more experience because of the way I was behaving but the truth is I've only done it once before. Charles said we better wait until we were married. As if that would make us virgins again.

I pulled off my underwear myself and didn't bother taking off the dress because I feel like I'd die if he doesn't enter me as soon as possible. I think he knew what I wanted because he complied readily. That or he must be mad with want as well.

He slowly touched me and carefully slipped a finger inside.

"You're so tight. Vashti, are you still a-" he asked hoarsely.

"No, but it's been a long time. Eli, please? I need it now..." I whispered, annoyed at myself but not annoyed enough not to ask.

"What do you want?"

"You. I want you."

The feel of him on top of me felt so extraordinary. It made it seem like I belonged to him, and I did at that moment.

My heart pounds nervously as he starts to penetrate me. He is big and I began to wince at the pain but didn't want him to stop because the pain was also a source of pleasure, I didn't know was possible.

His hardness tore into my softness and finally, we were one. Eli slowed down, waiting for me to adjust to the invasion. When I was more comfortable and used to the feel of him inside me, he began to push and pull. It was still painful but I wanted more.

"Do me harder..." I whispered in his ear and he assented readily. The rawness of what it felt having him pull himself inside me was a turn on in itself but it was more than that. Eli knew the right places to touch with just the amount of pressure that would please me and leave me wanting more at the same time.

The only reason why I know about orgasm is that I read about it but I recognized the signs when I began to feel the pressure building up.

The thunder covered up my hoarse scream of his name as I came and he followed a few seconds later, driving hard inside me.

🌄

"Eli?"

"Vashti..."

He kissed my hair and then absently ran his hand on my waist. Heat was beginning to travel from my abdomen again but I need to finish speaking because it's important for him to know the truth.

"I came here to die."