I spoke to my father as soon as I got back to Tristeza. He's pretty much neglected me since my mother died when I was only twelve but I need him now more than ever.

Sinabi ko sa kaniya ang gusto kong mangyari at kung gaano ko ka kailangan ang tulong niya sa bagay na 'to. Alam kong hindi ko kakayanin na harapin ang mga magulang ni Charles kung hindi niya ako sasamahan.

My father's lawyer spoke to Charles's mother and got her to agree to see me. 'Yun nga lang ay hindi naman siya ang dumating sa restaurant kung saan kami dapat magkikita kundi si Jane na Ate ni Charles.

"You're looking good, Maeve," she said and kissed my cheek like there hasn't been any tension between us for the past year.

"Jane, thank you for coming. Kamusta si Tita?"

She sighed before replying, "Mom... she couldn't make it. I'm sorry, Vashti. Pero, nandito ako para sagutin ang mga tanong mo."

Tumango ako dahil hindi ko inaaasahan na ganito kadali ang makipagkita sa kanila.

"Jane, I tried so many times to ask your parents. Gusto ko lang naman malaman kung bakit..." I forced myself to stay calm. Nasa kabilang lamesa si Papa at Stella.

Kasama naman namin ni Jane si Atty. Gomez at ang abogado ng pamilya nina Charles.

"I know. Please, ikaw na lang ang umunawa sa mga magulang ko. Hindi pa rin nila matanggap ang nangyari kay Charles."

We both sat silent for a few seconds, and even let the waitress take our order even though both of us do not have the appetite for it.

"Vashti, una sa lahat, gusto kong iklaro sayo na hindi ka namin sinisisi. Ni minsan hindi namin naisip na may kasalanan ka sa pagkawala ni Charles."

"Kung ganon, bakit niyo ko iniwasan, Jane? Parang anak na rin ako ng mga magulang mo pero matapos ng nangyari kay Charles, para bang itinakwil niyo 'ko. May sinabi ba si Charles? May nagawa ba 'ko?" I know I sounded desperate and I am.

Huminga siya ng malalim at tumango sa abogado niya.

The lawyer took some papers from his bag and handed me a pen.

"Ano 'to?" takang tanong ko.

"Non-disclosure agreement, Ms. del Rosario," the lawyer replied for Jane. Her voice sounded kind and yet formal. I don't always remember the fact that Charles' family is quite well-known in Tristeza because I've been used to it since I knew them. Dating mayor ng Tristeza ang Lolo nila at kahit na hindi sumabak ang Papa nila sa politika, sikat pa rin sila dahil sa mga negosyo. The presence of the lawyer in front of me had just reminded me of that fact though.

"Para saan 'to, Jane?"

Kinuha ni Atty. Gomez ang mga papeles at binasa 'yun nang maigi para sakin.

"This is, as Atty. Madrigal said, a non-disclosure agreement. It seems that the late Mr. Charles Alonzo left a letter for you," paliwanag sakin ng abogado ko.

I was filled with anger in an instant.

"Charles left a letter for me and you never gave it until now?" My voice was very low and people who don't know me would think I'm okay but if Charles were here, he'd know it's the voice I use when I'm trying to contain my rage. Dalawang beses niya pa lamang narinig 'yun; nang nahuli kong ninanakawan ng mga kaklase namin ang isang pulubi nang highschool pa kami at nang may lumapit samin isang eleksyon para tangkang bilhin ang boto namin.

"Vashti I'm sorry," was all that Jane could say.

I took the pen that her family offered and signed the papers angrily, almost tearing a hole through the paper.

Pipilitin ko na naman ang sarili ko na intindihin ang pamilya nila dahil kung nawalan ako ng nobyo, sila nawalan ng anak. Kaya ano ang karapatan ko na magalit 'di ba?

🌄

I cried with my father when I finished reading the letter. The sadness that overwhelmed me swept over us both but he became my anchor in a way that he never was before.

Charles killed himself over a secret that he couldn't be brave enough to reveal not only to me but to his family.

He was gay- always had been gay and shortly before our wedding date, he found out he has Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome.

Sinungaling ako kung sasabihin ko na hindi ako nagalit sa kaniya. Pero mas nasaktan ako na pinili niyang kitilin ang buhay niya. Kung sinabi niya sana sa akin ang totoo, sana nabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na patunayan sa kaniya ang pagmamahal ko. Because I would have been there for Charles no matter what. I am sure of that then and I am still sure of it now.

Oo, niloko niya ako at pinagtaksilan pero hindi lang kami magnobyo, matalik din kaming magkaibigan.

According to his letter, he found out about his diagnosis a few days before the wedding. He got it from a guy he has been secretly seeing casually for two years already. One day, he got a call from that guy with news that sent him reeling towards the edge.

Inisip niya ang sasabihin ng pamilya niya na walang kaalam-alam sa tunay niyang pagkatao. Inisip niya ang mangyayari pag lumabas ang balita. He couldn't face the stigma or the looming health problems.

My heart broke for him all over again because he must have felt so isolated from all of us who loves him. Oh Charles, you should have believed in our love more. Because no matter how shocking the news is, we would have stood by you.