Sorry it's short :/
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ANXIETY || VIRGIL

Pity. That's all that was. It was pity. The nerves, those were because he thought I was going to catch his bluff.

It's not the room, he was standing far enough from it, it's not that. No, no it was me, it was definitely me. I'm not sure how, but it was me.

It's always me, every time without fail, it's me. Me, me, me. Always.

----

It's been three days, Patton should be coming today. He always checks on me if I haven't left my room in three days, always.

I should leave, get food, that would cheer him up, I know it would. Right? Or would that be wrong? Maybe he enjoys checking up on me- no, that's not it, I'm a burden, too needy.

I'm an obligation, that's it. Like a dog, it annoys you most of the time, but you still- no, because people love dogs, I'm not a dog. Like a spider then, it's annoying, scary, and you have to kill them.

Yeah, that's me. I'm a spider.

--

Successful snack run, no social interaction, granted I am sleep-deprived and it's currently three AM, but that's besides the point. I'm fine, really, I am. I'm not doing much worse than usual, so I'm great. Fabulous, even.

--

Two weeks later, I'm still doing awful, which is actually great in my opinion. No one has talked to me, I've stashed a small supply of food that I've ignored, and I'm pretty sure I haven't been needed for the past two videos Thomas has done.

I'm the closest to happy I'll ever be.

I don't deserve it, I know I did something wrong. I know, I know it, I know it.

--

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

I haven't left my room yet, but I hate him. I hate how he thinks he can just come and knock on my door and expect everything to be alright. How he just expects people to love him, love everything he does, to never be mad at him.

Well, I am. I'm mad at him, but I'm not allowed to be.

--

"Could you just be quiet for one second? I am trying to be useful." Roman basically yelled at me as he groaned and started his explanation over.

That's my job, I'm the guy people yell at. If he messes up, it's my fault, every time, because I hesitated, because I ruined the mood.

"It's not always my fault!" I screamed at Roman, suddenly becoming self-aware of my voice.

I should probably say that we are recording right now, and I just had a major outburst. So, out-of-character as the theater geek would say.

Everyone was caught off guard. "Anxiety? Are you alright?" Thomas asked gently, trying to calm me down.

I shouldn't have snapped, it was just a small jab, nothing worse than what Princey usually says. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. I messed up.

My breath began to get faster, and I was back in my room in a matter of seconds, unable to spend another second in that room with those people.

I put my hands out, looking for something to support me, keep me upright and stop me from falling, but there was nothing. Literally.

My breath escaped me, and when I tried to get it back all I got was a smoky taste in my mouth, clouds filled my vision as the wind returned with a roar.

My hand hit something, I don't know what it was, but it fell over, lost in the fog.

Somehow, I fell, but it didn't feel like the floor, no, but not the water either, it was the abyss. Yeah, that's what it was, the abyss.

Nothingness that spread farther than we can measure, it was beautiful, calming, perfect.

You can't be mad at nothing, well you can, but you always feel stupid because of it. If there's nothing there, then you're only really mad at yourself.

Would Roman do that if I wasn't here? Build up his anger and explode on himself? Snap at no one, because all that was there is an empty void? Am I that empty void? An insult trash can?

Suddenly, the void seems smaller, constricting even, like it was strangling me.

There was banging, loud banging.

BANG. BANG.

It was cold again, I was cold again. Is this it? Is this when I'm supposed to die? Trapped between darkness and most likely anger? Seems about right.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

Nothing made sense, nothing, except for the fact that I was going to die, become the void, and everyone would finally be happy. Huh, just imagine that.

Everyone. Happy. Because of me.