"I hate this, Alice," Nico grumbled beside me, hunching over to preserve body heat as he glared over at the newly kindling bonfire in the middle of the campus courtyard.

It was a pretty big pit, flames crackling and lighting up the dark night. Everyone was slowly gathering around, bundled up in layers and layers of clothing to ward off the cold night, and a few laying down their spare blankets on the grass to enjoy the night.

"It's just started." I nudged him.

"But I'm already freezing my balls off!" He hissed and directed the archaic-sounding curses at the cold. I stifled a laugh because I'd known, even before we'd come out here to join everyone else for the annual bonfire, that Nico would somehow hate it being out here so late and so cold.

"We haven't even started on the s'mores yet." I reminded him and started taking off my mittens. They were making my hands itch anyway. I held them out to him and Nico snatched them up with a grateful grunt. "You wanna know what this reminds me of?"

Nico busied himself pulling on the gloves and scowled. "What?"

"Last year when this happened, I was reluctant to come out here just like you."

"Fuck off." He spared me a suspicious glance. "I can't imagine you being grumpy about anything, Alice."

"I wasn't being grumpy exactly. I just kept telling Brooke that I wasn't going with her because I had missed classes to catch up on."

"You did miss out on a lot of classes back then."

Because I'd been missing out on a lot of sleep back then too--coming back to the dorm too late at night, shitfaced and wasted. "New place, you know." I shrugged, then wrapped my arms around my pulled-up knees and sighed. "But I ended up going with Brooke after all. She wanted me to. Told me it would be fun, and it was even though the smoke stayed in my sweater for like a whole two months after that."

Nico stared at the crackling fire ahead.

"So you dragged me out here because you don't have a Brooke with you now?" He asked me after a while.

I blinked, startled. "No, that's not what I...I'm sorry. That's not what I meant."

"I know." He rolled his eyes. "But you have to stop reminiscing about good times with Brooke, Alice--stop it because even I can see that it hurts you. She did you dirty, you just have to accept that. You can't move on when you haven't even accepted the straight facts here. Brooke betrayed you and she does deserve your anger."

I stared at him. "I've forgiven her."

"Have you? Because you say you have, but no one in your position would ever do that so soon. I don't even think that's healthy."

There was a loud gaggle of good-natured laughter and a group of girls laid down a huge fluffy blanket near the fire.

"I don't want to hold it against her," I told him quietly, then swallowed because this was true. I wasn't lying this time. "It's very tiring holding grudges against people, Nico."

He made an exasperated noise beside me. "Yeah but if you were in Brooke's place, they'd hold it against you. Anyone would. Even though I know, hell anyone who knows you should know that you'd never do anything like that. You're always on the other end. They use you and you let them."

I grew silent. Then I stared off at the fire just like he'd been doing a few minutes ago.

Lies, lies, lies. All of a sudden, I was thinking of Ryder and how we'd left things off the last time I'd seen him. He can help you if you just show him that note Santiago left you, my conscience tried convincing me. And it could've been just that easy if I wasn't such a coward and hadn't lied to his face.

Days had passed but I hadn't received any word from Ryder. He still hadn't told me if he'd be there--if he'd keep up the act and pretend to be Soren one last time. Because what if he didn't come? Who was I kidding, of course, he wouldn't. I'd lied to him. He'd known I'd lied and I didn't think Ryder wanted anything more to do with all my fucked up lies and my messed-up family. He was in this just because of Santiago, not because of the things I wished and wanted.

Maybe I should've at least texted him the address of the diner where Alyssa had placed our reservation. Maybe he'd make it there. Or maybe he won't because you didn't tell him. I could have but I didn't.

Nico's loud sigh broke me abruptly from my thoughts. "Look, let's forget it. Forget I said anything. I've got a big mouth, doesn't mean I'm blaming you in any way. Let's... I don't know, look at the bonfire and wax poetry about it or something."

I sighed and settled beside him, willing myself to relax and just stop thinking of what lay ahead for me.

Later when I dragged Nico towards the cozy fire where everyone else had gathered for the s'mores, he still grumbled until I told him to shut up ("rude, Alice," he'd said with a startled and somewhat pleased look in his eyes, at which I'd stuffed a jumbo marshmallow in his mouth) and toast the marshmallows.

It was fun. It was a night where worries crackled into the fire and vanished into the night, dissolved in the cold and blanked away.

"I need more marshmallows," Nico announced once he'd managed to burn the last of ours.

I rolled my eyes and nudged him before getting up and telling him I'd be back.

The bags of marshmallows were on the lone wooden stall at the edge of the courtyard where the toasting sticks were, as far as I knew. Only when I'd made it there did I realize there weren't any bags left.

I looked back from where I'd come from, towards the bonfire and Nico's hooded silhouette.

"Marshmallows?"

I jerked back a little too fast, though Professor McAdams, the music teacher, didn't seem to notice it. Or maybe he had noticed it but didn't bother speaking about it, holding out a sealed bag of marshmallows towards me with a kind smile. "Take it, it's not the last one. I was just heading back to the cafeteria to get the other bags."

I took it from him and smiled. "Thank you. Can I help in any way?"

He waved me off. "Not at all. You're the student here, enjoy the bonfire while it lasts. One of them might douse it any minute now. As a joke." He gave me a look. "Like last year."

"I remember that." I huffed out a laugh. It had been pure chaos.

Mr McAdams shook his head in a rueful gesture despite the smile on his face. "Fun until that young lad almost got himself expelled because of it. Go on, make some s'mores. Although make sure not to burn any more of them to charcoal since this might be the last bag you get."

I nodded, thanked him again, and had only taken a few steps back towards the bonfire when Professor McAdams stopped me.

"Ms Rhodes," he called out.

I turned around. "Yes?"

"Please don't take it the wrong way but I had...expected to see you at the arena for the Christmas Festival? You'd helped out a lot with the rest of the volunteers, you know. I was expecting to see you there. At least during the violin chorus."

I stilled, then told my legs to stay put and not back away like I really, truly wished to do. Professor McAdams sounded genuine about it, at least.

"I did want to be there, but couldn't. I wasn't feeling very well."

He eyed me in a way that made me think he didn't quite believe me. "I hope you're feeling well now. It's just that one of the grand orchestra organizers from the Polish Academy of Musical Arts visited, was surprised with the piece we came up with, and gifted us a Stradivarius violin."

I stared at him. I couldn't not. A Stradivarius? It was like a pinprick to the most sensitive, most clouded, and closed-off part of my brain. I knew what a Stradivarius was. It was only the most beautiful, most untouchable, and the most beautifully crafted violin I'd ever heard about. And I'd only ever heard about it, seen it in pictures. I'd only ever dreamt about it for so long until I'd had to just press it all down.

Only the most beautiful, most precious, most wanted.

I'd stare at it from the screen of my childhood computer and wish for it with a yearning so deep, so raw, so hopeful.

"I..." I spoke, then closed my mouth when my throat went dry. "That's amazing, sir."

He gave me a crooked grin, a knowing one. "I had an inkling you'd like to see it maybe?" A question so that the pressure of the statement alone wouldn't crush me.

"Yes!" I blurted out, then retracted quickly, "I mean, I'm not sure if I should. I've been too busy with lectures and notes and you know, this, since exams are coming up anyway and--"

"Just come by and take a look at it whenever you want. It's a generous gift all right, and no one's going to keep it locked in its case. You'll love it."

I've always had, I almost said.

"Can I...Can I think about it?" I asked him tentatively. He'd take it back, wouldn't he? I knew he'd take back the offer any second now.

"Sure, Alice." He gave me that kind smile again and I felt happy. Ecstatic and happy. Oh God. "Come by the music room whenever. After class, before class, just not during class because half of my students haven't yet quietened down from the early excitement of it."

I nodded almost a little too eagerly and tried to push the voice away in my head that said Mom would hate this. Absolutely hate this.

She'd hate me anyway, I thought. When the rest of the secrets come out.

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heads up>>i'll be posting a snippet of the next chapter on my insta!!