I was a fool.

A stupid fucking fool.

Tipping the bottle up until I could've felt the wine slushing inside, I took another giant gulp. "What," I said, wiping my mouth with the back of my free hand, "a fucking fool."

There wasn't a reply, which, obviously there couldn't be. I was alone here. Or as alone as I could be with all those occasional thuds and whispers coming from behind my boyfriend's--maybe ex-boyfriend now--closed bedroom door.

I didn't quite remember how much time had passed with me being here in Soren's apartment and him being there in his bedroom with a girl who clearly wasn't me, doing the unthinkable behind closed doors.

Fuck, I thought and softly banged the back of my head against the kitchen cabinet behind me.

I didn't understand why I was still here. Why I hadn't ran away, to be more exact. I couldn't even remember where or how I'd found this expensive-looking bottle of red wine. How had I managed to open it when wine bottles were always such a bitch to open?

Taking another swig and grimacing, I gazed down at the dark liquid swishing inside. I was becoming a miserable drunkard and chugging down an entire bottle of wine like a fucking pro.

How had my life come down to this in just a handful of seconds?

It could've been just seconds or minutes and not even a whole hour since I'd let myself in here, but every time I heard even the slightest of noises from Soren's bedroom, I took another sip of the wine in my hand and slumped further back at the foot of the kitchen island I was leaning against, sitting on the cold floor.

It was truly a pathetic situation I was in.

"And now I don't have anywhere to...anyone to take with me at the dinner on Saturday." I reminded myself in a hushed whisper as if afraid that my mother might somehow hear me. That in turn made me laugh because no, Mom wasn't here. She was towns and towns away.

But she'll still find out about this, a quiet, reasonable voice whispered in the darkest part of my head.

Find out about what? Me, chugging down a bottle of wine, or me getting dumped yet once again? The latter was as bad as the former.

Sighing heavily, I rested the back of my head behind me and tried to blink away the confusion clouding right in front of me.

Voices suddenly came from somewhere around me, much closer to me, and it made me jolt a little in surprise--utter bewilderment--as I peeked over at Soren's bedroom door. It was still closed though, so the voices couldn't have been from there.

"...want anything to drink?" A voice came from the other side of the counter I was hidden behind, from the tiny lounge where the couch was, followed by a soft, airy laugh. "I've got beers, though it won't be any good as what I served you back at the bar, handsome."

Handsome. I stifled a sound that begged to escape my lips, which could've been a groan or a laugh, when I recognized that voice a little bit. It sounded much...much like Brenda. Soren's roommate. She must've come back from her nightly shifts and I hadn't even realized.

And she wasn't alone obviously, because right then I heard another voice, a much deeper voice answering her. But since it was starting to get a little dizzy a bit too fast, I couldn't quite hear his words clearly. Brenda did though since she laughed that flirtatious laugh again--the one that she'd once told me worked wonders on boys.

I think Brenda and the mystery boy could've been kissing at this point. Fuck if I knew.

"I hate you," I whispered quietly to myself, thumping the back of my head on the counter behind me and closing my eyes shut when it spun. How was it that everyone around me always seemed to have it together when it came to relationships? Was it so hard for the universe to just...give me a break and offer me a hug maybe?

Soren was too busy to give me a hug. Asking one from Brenda would be too rude when she probably didn't even know I was here hiding behind her kitchen counter. I could ask Brooke but she was too far away for my drunk brain.

Nico, I thought, then smiled stupidly. Nicholas hated hugs so much. I nearly broke down laughing, but remembered in time that I'd only just heard my boyfriend shagging some mystery girl--still shagging some mystery girl behind closed doors--and I was supposed to be miserable and sad.

"I'll still get you that beer." Brenda laughed, breaking me out of my thoughts, and I heard her block-heeled boots tapping on the floor as she stepped towards the tiny fridge which also happened to be right across from where I sat.

"Holy shit!" She jumped in surprise just as her eyes met mine, a hand over her heart as her expression morphed into one of horror. "What the fuck, Alice? You scared the fucking crap out of me!"

I laughed quietly around the mouth of the wine bottle I had in my hand and waved my other free hand at her.

She frowned, forgetting the fridge and the promised beer she should've been getting for her handsome one night stand, and turned wholly towards me. "What are you doing here? Where's Soren?"

Brenda was intimidating even at her lowest, especially with the whole block-heeled boots and those huge colorful tattoos that decorated her arms, the ones she loved showing off every once in a while. The look, however, that she gave me right then--a soft concerned look as her gaze moved from me and to Soren's bedroom--was the exact opposite of intimidating.

She looked sorry for me. "Alice."

"Alice?" A third voice spoke up somewhere from the lounge--the same deep voice I'd heard earlier--and I turned my head a little eagerly towards him (along with my wine bottle which seemed to be getting a tad bit heavy in my hand) as he stepped into my view.

And...oh. Oh, I'd seen that beautiful face somewhere before, hadn't I?

He was tall. Really really tall. Or maybe it was just that I was practically sprawled on the floor and he was standing in front of me. I had to crane my neck up to meet his eyes--eyes the shade of...something that I couldn't decipher from this far--as he took a small step ahead of the counter, staring at me with a frown.

"Hey." I hiccupped. "Hey, do I know you?"

It was absurd and I could've sworn I saw this brief flicker of astonishing hurt flashing over those model-like features, especially those eyes that I couldn't make out the color of, but it went away just as quickly.

It could've just been the alcohol singing in my veins right then.

Brenda glanced at him and then back at me. "You two know each other?" She asked.

"No," I said the same moment he said, "Yes."

Which was weird. Had I really met him before? I wondered. I glanced back at him from over my wine bottle and squinted. Tousled hair the shade of obsidian. Eyes so dark but a pale shade of...blue, maybe. Dark brows pulled together in a scowl, and I thought, yes, maybe I had met him before somewhere. Yet the nagging, blurry part in my head couldn't tell me where.

In the tiny moment I was staring at Brenda's incredibly eye-candy of a hookup for the night, she stepped near me and successfully plucked the wine bottle from my hand.

"Hey!" I complained, frowning at her. "That's mine."

"It's actually not." She rolled her eyes. "Does Soren even know you're here?"

"No." I waved my hand in the direction of the only closed bedroom door. "He is too busy fucking some random chick--someone I hopefully don't know or else that might get a bit...awkward." A bit was an understatement.

Brenda grimaced, her nose scrunching up, and the hot dude behind her, who I didn't think was much older than both Brenda and I, frowned even deeper. A scary look that might've terrified me under normal circumstances. But these weren't normal circumstances. Normal circumstances meant being sober and having a brain without all the fog that currently clouded mine. Sweet, addictive fog that came with addictive red wine and alcohol in general.

"Look, maybe you should--" Brenda trailed off when a ringtone chimed around us. Her own phone, I realized as she took it out of her pocket. She glared down at the screen and mumbled, "excuse me," before leaving. I heard her retreating to her own bedroom before slamming the door shut.

Blinking a little in surprise and not knowing what I should be doing with my empty, free hands, I looked over at the blue-eyed boy--yes, his eyes were blue, I'd decided--still in front of me.

"Did she just ditch you?" I asked him in a scandalized whisper.

He stared at me, still frowning, before finally opening that pretty mouth of his. "I've never seen you here before."

"You've been here before?"

He leaned back against the wall behind him, which wasn't a surprise since the kitchen was already too small for the both of us to be inside at the same time and not be knocking into each other, and nudged his head where Brenda had disappeared off to.

"We're acquaintances," he said.

"Right." I had this foul taste in my mouth and it carried a heavy resemblance with envy. Lucky Brenda ending up with such a sight for sore eyes. And here I couldn't even keep a decent boyfriend for two straight weeks.

"Why are you..." He started at a much careful, slow pace, gaze somewhat calculating as it dropped lower down my face. "On the floor?"

I pulled my knees up to my chest, suddenly self-conscious of my limbs and my entire rumpled state, and shrugged exhaustedly. "The floor looked inviting?"

"Alice," he said, and just that. He didn't say anything after my name, which should've been god-awfully weird but it wasn't. And I felt this...this tug in my head like I really really knew him. Did I? Had I met him before? How could anyone not remember that face?

"What's your name?" I asked him curiously, tilting my head to the side.

He blinked, looking slightly taken aback, and parted his lips to say something, though he didn't get to say anything when Soren's bedroom door opened and the man himself stepped out, eyes scanning the lounge. With no shirt on.

"Alice!" His eyes widened when they landed on me as I stood up from my sprawl on the floor. "Jesus fucking Christ."

I let my gaze rake him whole, even though I told myself not to think too much over it--at least not right now--and noticed his blond locks askew, tousled, with red visible hickeys all over his bare chest.

"I-I told you I was busy." He continued, all kinds of desperation lacing his voice. It was a little weird to be on the receiving end of it when it had always been me who was desperate for everyone else almost all my life.

I glanced behind his shoulder, trying to peek inside his bedroom but no one else came out. No mystery girl he'd been too busy shagging just minutes ago. "Busy?"

"Yes, I-I was busy!" Soren seemed offended now as if I'd done that somehow. Offended him, I mean. I realized I didn't like that expression on him as much as I didn't like him frowning so much either.

I gave the blue-eyed boy, the only person here apart from Soren and I--who still hadn't moved an inch from his leaning position--a quick bewildered look that said can you believe this guy? before looking back at Soren.

"Okay." I trudged around the counter and exited the kitchen now that I felt a little bit sober standing up. "It would've been nicer if you'd have...maybe texted me a little sooner?" At least that way I wouldn't have had to arrive here to find out what actually it was he was so busy with.

And now I felt awful. God, this fucking sucked. But not as much as it would suck once I'd be sober enough to think much clearly about this all.

Soren sputtered around, face reddening and eyes going even wider.

I stared at him, waiting for an explanation--any kind of explanation, really--and he finally seemed to blink out of it, nearing me and grabbing my arm. "Don't leave just yet. We...we can talk, all right?"

I winced a little belatedly at the mere fact that he was touching me, and I did not really want him to touch me after God knows what he'd been doing inside the confines of his bedroom, but when I tried to gently pry off his grip, he only tightened his fingers around my elbow in a pleading manner. My heart skipped a steady beat and my brain was not having it. All of a sudden, I wanted to be out. I wanted not to be touched, not like this, and I tried to tug my arm away one more time, stiff and alarmed and praying that he'd let go.

I wanted to know I could back out if I wanted to. That I was in control.

"Alice." He pleaded, brows furrowing together. "Hear me out, please. I can explain."

Drinking all that wine hadn't been a good idea, not when sudden nausea started making my stomach churn. My face grew hot and Soren's grip on my arm was making me want to throw up. On him.

"Erm..." I furrowed my brows, trying not to groan, and wiped my mouth with my sleeve. "I...I've gotta--"

"Alice, please--"

"Let her go." A quiet, brooding voice cut him off and my gaze instantly snapped to the only other person here apart from Soren and me.

It was strange that Soren did let me go instantly, taking a step away from me in the process, even when I didn't think the blue-eyed boy had meant any threat by those words.

"Who are you?" Soren asked him with a bewildered look, almost as if he was just noticing him. Which was absurd since how could anyone not notice him? He had inches over Soren with a build much more muscular than Soren too. And he had that intimidating air to him, although he hadn't even taken a step towards us.

How could anyone, I thought, not notice those eyes?

Brenda barged outside of her room at that exact moment, taking a minute to frown at all three of us--especially Soren, which made me want to give her a big hug--before speaking up to the blue-eyed boy, "Ryder."

And just like that, everything froze.

Almost.

Or I did, I think. Blinking, I glanced at him, at the blue-eyed boy--at Ryder--and tried my absolute best to not show the shock on my face. My stomach lurched in warning.

Oh no, my brain yelled at me, I know him. I did know him. Oh shit.

Stumbling back a little, my eyes darted around and searched for my scarf, found its yellow ends hanging at the edge of the counter, and I grabbed it with numb fingers. I took a staggering step back, face heating and ears ringing.

I was so going to throw up.

"Alice--" That must've been Soren, or that's who I told myself was, though I didn't wait around for him. I could have, but I didn't. Not when my heart was thudding so loud with every step I took, and with a sickening chant of Ryder.

RyderRyderRyder. That had been Ryder, I told myself. How had I not recognized him sooner? How many Ryders were there that I had ever met?

Only one. Only one with those eyes the shade of midnight ocean.

Oh fuck.

I only stopped walking--running--when I was outside Soren's apartment building and was standing all alone on the empty street under the night sky.

"Jesus," I whispered, hands shaking as I took out my phone and called Brooke. She didn't pick up so I called Nico.

"For fuck's sake, do I look like some kind of personal entertainment to you, Rhodes?" Nico answered on the second ring. "It's one hour past midnight."

I frankly didn't know what to say.

"Oh my God, is this a prank call?" He sounded like he was about to murder someone.

I laughed. "No."

"Jesus, are you crying?" Nico asked, sounding sleep-rumpled and bewildered. "Fuck, no, Rhodes, I did not sign up for this!"

I laughed some more and squeezed my eyes shut when they stung--in embarrassment or horror or dread, I didn't know--and my grip on the yellow scarf slackened a little as it fell to the ground.

A beat of silence passed by as I sobered up, or at least tried to.

"Alice," Nico said on his end.

"What?"

"Are you drunk?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm drunk and...and a little in trouble. Can you come and pick me up?" I lowered my voice until it was just a whisper. A trembling whisper.

Nico groaned. "Tell me again why I gave you my number."

"I stole it from you."

"'Course, you did." He grumbled and I heard a shuffling sound from his end. "So..."

"Hm?"

"Fuck." He grumbled. "Where the hell am I picking you up from?"

Once I'd managed to tell him where I was, he told me to give him a few minutes to drive in peace. I asked him if he could just keep talking to me and not hang up, but Nico clearly wasn't having it. I couldn't blame him so instead, I thanked him twice and was about to do just that for the third time as well, but he hung up first.

And here I was now. Standing on a lone street under the night sky, shivering in the same clothes I'd worn to my classes today and drunk out of my mind.

I suddenly had this strong urge to call Mom.

I didn't thankfully, not when someone stepped beside me that exact instant and leaned down to pick up my discarded, and now a little dirty, yellow scarf from the ground. Only when he handed it to me that I caught this quick whiff of a familiar cologne and a somewhat terrified noise formed at the very back of my throat.

"You could at least pretend to not look so horrified," Ryder commented dryly.

I couldn't step away even though that was exactly what I wished to do. His gaze rooted me right where I stood and I couldn't move.

He frowned just a little and then it disappeared as he rolled his eyes, looking away from me. Only then did it feel like I could look away, and I took a step back as well when it felt like I wasn't blatantly being held hostage by his gaze.

"You were pretty chatty when you didn't remember me, huh?" He stuffed one hand in his jacket pocket while the other still held my scarf since I hadn't taken it from him yet. And I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to step anywhere near him. "It's weird because I'm pretty sure the only time we met, that other day, you never once thanked me."

I blinked, swallowing. "That was years ago."

"One year." He corrected me with that slight quirk of his lips that had my heart racing.

"I don't owe you a thanks." I snapped, a little horrified. "I don't owe you anything."

His eyes found mine and once again, my stupid stupid lungs decided to seize in that moment. He wasn't so close but I knew what shade of blue his eyes were. They'd been ingrained in my head, buried so deep inside ever since that day. The day I didn't like thinking about. Being trapped in that horribly dark place and having to go through all those dark gritty details that I'd rather pretend never happened. I had left him. I had left Ryder and his blue eyes right there in that underground cellar. He wasn't supposed to be here disrupting every warm and safe thing I'd managed to build around me.

"I'm sure you owe me something." His voice was low and quiet amongst the heavy night around us, though his words pierced me straight in the most vulnerable spot. "I did save you after all."

"You didn't." The words left my lips way before I could've thought twice, my eyes stuck on him and wishing they weren't. A soft whisper that felt like a heavy, heavy burden.

Maybe this was one of those recurrent dreams, I thought. Maybe this wasn't even real and I had nothing to worry about.

Ryder blinked once, twice, and the tiniest of furrows formed in between his brows.

I looked away from him hastily and directed my gaze ahead, wrapping my arms around myself when the shivers seemed to finally be taking over my body. "You...you didn't save me."

He didn't say anything more and I told myself, kept repeating it in my head, that he wasn't real. He wasn't even here, was he? I was hallucinating. I was drunk out of my mind and trying to come up with scenarios that were truly fucked up. Ryder couldn't possibly be here because I knew--the only thing I knew about him--that he didn't live here. He lived there in Hayward, where my mother and my stepdad and my stepsister were, where my high school was, where Fraser had been when he'd died, where all the demons were.

He couldn't possibly be here because that wasn't safe.

That wasn't safe.

A soft breath of a laugh left my lips and I closed my eyes, tilting my head up to the sky. "You're not even real. God, I'm losing my mind."

"Why wouldn't I be real?" He asked flatly.

"Because I'm high off my ass right now like I usually am these days and I just lost my one ticket to a peaceful Saturday night--who, just so you know, also happens to be my boyfriend." I opened one eye to give the empty pavement ahead of me a mournful glance. "Ex-boyfriend, I guess?"

"You guess." He sounded disgusted now.

"Yeah, you know, this all could just be a misunderstanding." I shook my head and sighed. "I like to be optimistic sometimes. Makes things so much easier."

"That's not being optimistic, querida." He was warm, I realized, and then I desperately tried to tell myself not to lean against him to chase that warmth. "That's you being stupid."

Querida. Querida. Querida.

"What does that mean?" I asked him in a hushed whisper, tracking his every movement as he slowly started to shrug off his jacket. "You called me that in the...that in the cellar and what does that even mean?"

He held out his hand towards me, the one that wasn't holding my yellow scarf and I was suddenly too busy noticing the dark, intricate tattoos on his arm, trailing up his bicep and hiding under the starting of his t shirt sleeve that I didn't even notice his jacket until I was holding it in my hands.

"What is Saturday night?" He asked me, suddenly so much closer that it felt a bit harder to breathe.

"You just gave me your jacket."

"What's Saturday night?"

"You'll get...cold!" I sputtered.

"Saturday night?" He asked me again and I could very well see that he had all the patience in the world since I realized he'd ask me that again and again until I answered him. And why the hell had he given me his jacket anyway?

"It's a thing," I answered frustratedly and tried to give him back the jacket, only that he stepped away and out of my reach. "Take it back. I'm fine, really. You shouldn't get cold because of me!"

"Does it matter? I thought I wasn't real enough to feel the cold."

Oh well. "I'll still feel guilty though." I already did, for so much more than just this jacket that I was hugging against my chest now.

Ryder went silent and a cold shiver ran down my spine. I didn't say anything more and neither did he. We remained silent and I was aware of him standing right there, beside me but not really beside me, and I wondered how one could be so awfully aware of someone without even looking at them.

Because I was aware of him. So much more than anything else around us.

"Your ride is here."

I jumped a little when he spoke up and looked at him, then at the familiar car pulling up a block ahead of where we stood. I squinted past the blinding headlights and could make out Nico just fine behind the steering wheel. Looking back at Ryder, a jolt of alarm went through me when I saw him taking a few steps back, ready to leave.

"Hey," I said and saw him stop. "Do you...Do you need a ride someplace? I can probably ask Nico..." I didn't want him to leave, I realized a little suddenly, even though Nico would give me a hell lot of shit for even suggesting this.

Ryder glanced up at the sky, a short brief movement, before looking back at me. "Drink a glass of water." He told me right as he took another step back. Another step away from me.

I could see Nico's car nearing from the corner of my eye.

"Wait!" I blurted out. "But...your...jacket!"

He continued walking backwards, holding up my yellow scarf in his hand as if that was payment enough, before turning around. I only just saw him stuffing it in his pocket before Nico blared the horn and I jumped, turning around to look at him.

The next time I looked over at Ryder, he was gone.

---------
was shivering my ass off when I wrote this
Xx.