"When money lost momentum and the bills were piling high. Then the smile had finally faded from the apple of their eye."

Brendon was dancing across the stage while the crowd was singing along. He looked so natural like he was born to be on stage.

"They were young and independent and they thought they had it planned. Should have known right from the start you can't predict the end."

Those lyrics sucked me back into a quick memory. Back to Pretty Odd. Brendon would play a rough version of this song when he thought he was alone. I knew why he wrote it, but I didn't think he would play it at a show.

"Oh memories, where'd you go? You were all I've ever known. How I miss yesterday and how I'd let it fade away? Oh memories, where'd you go? You were all I've ever known. How I miss yesterday. How I'd let it fade away? Don't fade away."

As the song came to an end, the crowd was screaming out his name. He had on a bright smile as he scanned the crowd. I knew I went unseen from my corner of the room and that's okay.

I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to get out of coming to his show, but I just needed to come. I watched the band set up for the next song. Brendon brought the mic to his lips and the crowd went wild with anticipation.

"Are you guys having a good time?" His laugh was so light and carefree in response to the screaming of the crowd. "That's good because so are we. Now, our time together is coming to an end and I just want to thank all you beautiful people for coming out tonight. We are Panic! at the Disco and this will be our last song."

There were a great amount of boos and awws coming from fans not ready for the show to end. To be honest, I didn't want to stop watching Brendon perform either. It had been so long and it was different in the crowd than it was watching from on stage.

The regret that had been eating at me settled in more as familiar chimes went off. I tried letting the sounds dull out so I didn't have to hear the song. When I failed, I began pushing my way through the crowd to the exit.

As I reached the doors, I heard hundreds of people simultaneously shout out 'whore' followed by an 'oh' and a laugh from stage. When I went into the lobby, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves.

I looked around, not seeing anyone other than security. I wasn't expecting to feel this nervous. I just wanted to see him. There was no plans for talking with him, but when he first walked out on stage, so many thoughts ran through my head.

I headed for a door I knew would lead to the back stage. I could feel the security guy's eyes on me while I kept my head low. I needed to come up with a story to get by.

"May I help you," the man asked when I was close enough. I looked up and met the man's blue eyes. They widen when he recognized who I was. Before I even had a chance to make an excuse, the man let out a shaky breath.

"Holy crap! You're Ryan Ross." I gave a small nod. He hands flew up to grip his hair. "Holy shit. You're amazing, man. I can't.. I.. I'm a huge fan." I smiled at his inability to speak smoothly.

"Thank you. It's nice to meet a fan." His eyes were stuck on mine with his mouth agape. "I'm actually here because I need to get back stage."

"Oh!" He began nodding quickly. "Of course. Anything for you Mr. Ross." He opened the back door for me and motioned me inside. I gave an appreciative nod and went forward. That was easier than I thought.

I maneuvered my way through the backstage halls, hearing the crowd cheering not far away. I'm sure the show's finished now. My breathing began picking up. What am I doing?

I rounded a corner and saw the stage. I could see the band bowing and slowly walking off. Spencer was the first off, immediately heading back to the dressing room. I assumed to shower if his touring habits haven't changed. The guitarist came off next then the tall bassist.

I paid them no attention as I watched the person I craved to see most walk into the backstage area. His was dripping with sweat like he always was after a show. He still had on his award winning smile.

He was handing his equipment to one of the stage hands, chatting lightly with a few people. After a minute, he began heading toward what I assume would be his dressing room. I moved quickly to follow.

"Brendon!" I shouted to make sure he could hear me above the backstage noise. He stopped at the sound of my voice. I could see his body stiff as he stood still. I slowly walked up to him, making sure to keep enough distance between us.

"Brendon," I said again in a quiet voice. Brendon dropped his head and clenched his fists before turning around to face me. As he lift his head to meet my eyes, the color drained from his face.

"Ryan?" His voice was no where near as strong as it was on stage. He looked like he was going to pass out. "W-what are you doing here?"

"I-." Oh. I probably should've thought about that. I chewed my lip nervously. He didn't speak, waiting for me to answer. "I wanted to see you."

I flinched when he let out a laugh. It wasn't the same as his normal, carefree laugh. This one was harsh and forced.

"And what made you think I wanted to see you?" I winced. I know we didn't end on good terms, but I wasn't expecting him to be this cold.

"I just wanted to talk and I don't know, maybe patch things up from before." He shook his head in disbelief. A hand came up and combed through his sweaty hair.

"It's been two years, Ryan." He sounded calm. I dropped my head.

"I know," I started in a small voice. "I just can't stop thinking about how it all ended, me leaving so fast and we didn't really talk much about this.. about us."

"Two years, Ryan," he repeated through gritted teeth. "No call. No text. No explanation." I nodded, ashamed.

"But I'm here now. And I wanna make this right. If you could just let me explain." He had on a stone face. "Give me a chance. Please, Bren."

"Don't call me that!" He shouted in a hoarse voice. He was shaking his head slowly. His voice was much softer, almost broken when he spoke again. "You don't get to call me that anymore."

"But.. but that's what I always called you." I tried not to sound too upset, but I know he could tell. "Remember.. all the time at rehearsal, on tour... late at night."

I could see tears gleaming in his eyes. His bottom lip quivered as he struggled to speak. My heart ached knowing I caused this beautiful man to look so broken.

"Brendon.. I miss you." There it is. The truth that I'd been fighting for two years. The feeling I could never seem to get rid of. Now that I was in front of the source of my struggle, I couldn't contain it anymore.

"It's been two years, Ryan." He started shaking his head. "If you missed me so much, then why did you wait two years?" His voice began growing louder. "Two fucking years of me waiting for you. Waiting for a call, for a letter, for Anything to explain to me why you left."

"Brendon, I.."

"Shut up! You had your chance. Now, it's my turn. You left me alone. You left me broken and alone that night. I told you I loved you and I woke up alone and confused. I spent so much time trying to get over you without knowing what I did wrong in the first place. There's nothing you can say to make up for how much you wrecked me after that."

I hurt him, I know, but I can't change the past. I'm trying to make it better now. I need to make it better.

"I found out that you quit the band through some article! You quit and left without even telling me. I was a mess after that. Fuck, I couldn't get out of bed for months! You took everything from me."

"Brendon, I'm sorry," was all I could say. He let out a mocking laugh.

"I'm the idiot though. I saw it coming. You were getting distant and I was scared and in denial. That night.." He took a shaky breath. "I thought telling you out I felt would make a difference, but it didn't. I thought telling you I loved you would make you stay, but it didn't. And then, you were gone."

"I was scared. I was stupid and young and didn't know what I was doing."

"I was scared too! But I stayed because I cared about you and I thought you would've done the same thing for me."

"I would Brendon." I took a bold step toward him. "Give me another chance. I promise I'll do things right this time. No more running." He kept his eyes locked on mine.

I took another step toward him, so we were almost touching. His face softened as he looked up at me. Hesitantly, I moved down, leaning closer to his face. I could feel his breath against me.

"I love you, Brendon." I said it. I finally said what I'd been dying to say since that night. My eyes closed as I moved in closer, but before I could connect our lips, his hand pressed against my chest pushing me back.

I opened my eyes and saw tears now staining his cheeks. His hand was still pressed against my chest to ensure I was kept at a distance. He opened his mouth to speak, but only let out a choked cry and shook his head.

"It's too late for that." This voice was shaky and weak. "Two years too late." His hand slipped from my chest as he turned around and walked down the hall. He went around a corner, out of view, leaving me standing alone.