tg: mention of suicide

~~~

Do you remember that night? Your head rested on my bare chest, slowly rising and falling in sync with my breathing. Our fingers were tangled together and the stars were dancing above us. We weren't talking, but that was okay. We just laid in the grass and enjoyed the summer night.

Occasionally, you would make up some random story about the constellations or tried convincing me that we were being watched by aliens. I would argue against you just to hear your dramatic reasoning. Your hands would start waving around as if it were strengthening your argument.

I remember how sore my lip got after biting it so hard to keep myself from laughing. I always loved how passionate you were over all the small things. I gave in and agreed that little green people in a metal disc were watching us.

I watched a bright, victorious smile spread over you face. We were silent again. I kept my eyes on your beautiful face. I watched you pull your bottom lip between your teeth. I saw your smile slowly slip away and your brows furrow in thought. I would've given anything to know everything you were thinking about at that moment.

"Ry.." Your voice was more serious. It didn't sound playful anymore.

"Yeah, Bren?" Your hand tightened in mine. I squeezed back as you let out a shaky sigh.

"Do you believe in heaven?"

I was confused. I was never confused or questioned anything you did or said. I didn't question when you pulled me out of bed at three in the morning to go on a road trip. I wasn't confused when I found a chicken sitting on your bed one time. I knew that was just you. But you confused me. Neither of us were religious, so I wasn't sure where the question came from. I didn't see how important it was at the time.

"Heaven?" I questioned making sure your normal randomness wan't just plain randomness now.

"Yeah. I was just curious if you believed it." You were stone still on my chest, waiting for my answer. I let the thought turn in my head. I wasn't sure how I felt about it to be honest. The idea of a paradise in the clouds sounded ridiculous to me.

Part of me said that I shouldn't tell you what I really thought about the idea. You didn't speak and let me decide what I wanted to say. You always stayed patient and gave me all the time in the world to come up with decisions.

"I don't know. I guess it's possible. It sounds nice to think about, somewhere we can go after we die." Your head moved in a nod against me. Your body curled closer to mine.

"I love you, Ry. More than anything. No matter what happens, I'll always love you." My free arm wrapped around your waist, holding you securely. I kissed the top of your head.

"I love you too, Bren." We didn't talk after that. We only stared at the sky, looking out for martians in spaceships.

After that night, I remember watching your endless smiles. I listened to your laughs and put them on repeat like it was a new popular song I needed engraved in my memory. I felt your soft, loving lips against my own, sharing love I didn't think would ever end.

Then, I remember the phone call I got a month after that night under the stars. Images of you ran through my mind. I shook my head as I told myself I didn't need to those memories because we were going out later to make new ones. I heard broken sobs coming from your mother from the other end of the call, triggering my own tears.

I remember crawling into bed, calling for you night after night. Tears stained my pillow and my voice went raw from screaming, knowing you would never respond again.

I remember the day I was forced to say goodbye. Spencer needed to hold me back so I wouldn't climb into the hole with you. I tried convincing him that you were okay and you were only trapped in the wooden box.

I just wanted to save you. They didn't let me save you. You didn't let me save you.

Why did you do it?

Why didn't you talk to me?

How could you leave me?

Was I not enough to keep you here?

All these questions raced in my head the next time I came to visit you. They were begging to be answered. I sat on the grass and leaned back against the stone carved with your name. I never asked those questions. I looked up at the sky, the stars winking down at me. My lip trembled while soft words came out as pained whispers. 

"Is heaven real?"