"I can't believe you didn't tell me. We're best friend, Spence. How could you hide this from me?" I had just dragged Spencer into an empty classroom after watching him kiss Jon by his locker. I knew he had a crush on Jon, but I didn't know they were a thing.

HIs blue eyes pierced into my brown ones. He was silent, but his chest was heaving with anger. I waited for him to respond. The air tense between us, though I wasn't entirely sure why. I waited a little longer before questioning again.

"Were you not planning on tell me?" He jerked his head away, turning to the floor.

"You're unbelievable," he spat out.

"Me?" I gasped. "You're the one hiding a relationship from me. Did you not think I was important enough to tell? How long were you going to keep it from me?" I continued rambling, each word seemingly bringing him closer to exploding. "There was no warning or anything. I just walked down the hall and there you were making out.."

"I did tell you!" He yelled out aggressively. I stopped and stared at him with a blank face. His body was trembling. From the tears building in his eyes, I didn't know if it was from anger or sudden sadness. "I did tell you," he repeated in a voice of defeat. I shook my head in confusion.

"Spence, I don't remember you talking about anything past your crush with him." He scoffed at my response.

"There's a shock." I frowned.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I felt irritation I didn't normally feel towards Spencer.

"It's not a surprise that you don't remember. I wouldn't doubt if you weren't even paying attention when I talked about it." I racked my mind, trying to remember anything. "I figured you'd have trouble. I'll give you a hint. Pete Wentz's halloween party."

My mind went back to that night. It was basically one big blur to me at this point. What I remembered was the fight Brendon and I had about him spending too much time with this Sarah chick.

"I told you Jon asked me out that night. You were probably too drunk to know what the hell was going on around you." I squeezed my eyes shut. Vague images came to me.

Flashing lights.

Beer.

People grinding on each other.

Beer.

Couples shoving their tongues down each others throats.

Beer.

Spencer and Jon together on the couch.

Beer.

"You know I wasn't having a good night." I shook my head. "Couldn't you have told me the next day?"

"You were too "hungover and depressed" as I recall you telling me."

"There were plenty other times you could've said something."

"I did!" A tear slipped down his cheek. "For two months!" He held up two fingers, shaking uncontrollably. His anger slipped in and out, being replaced with betrayal. "I tried telling you for two months. Then I thought to myself, 'you know what, he'll figure it out. He's my best friend.' I brought him to the beach with us. I told you he made me a song at our last jam session. We were practically hanging off each other at Hayley's birthday party." 

My mind thought back to each of those moment. I could feel Spencer willing me to remember so he'd be wrong about me being a bad friend. The beach, Brendon and I were have too many fights and angry sex for me to focus on anything else. The jam session, my dad had beat me before and I went to Spencer's to get my mind off my forming bruises. The party, I had just caught Brendon cheating and we broke up.

I looked up at him. From his face, I could tell he knew I didn't remember any of it. He shook his head is disbelief. He gave me a look of defeat that cut through me deeply.

"Spence, you knew what I was going through. That's not fair. There were other times."

"What other times?" He breathed out. "Please tell me cause I really don't know. It's never the right time with you. Something's always happening and you always need time to get through it. There's never time for me."

"That's not true!"

"Isn't it though? When was the last time we hung out just to hang out? When was the last time we had a conversation that didn't involve me trying to console you? When was the last time you asked me how I'm doing?" I just stayed quiet, not knowing how to answer him.

"Ryan, we've been friends for years. Now.. it feels like you barely even know me anymore."

"Don't say that, Spencer."

"It's true," he shrugged as more tears streamed down his face. "You know, Jon makes sure that I eat breakfast everyday before I leave the house. He realized my weight loss and says how proud he is of me," he said with a small smile at the thought of Jon. "At the end of the day, he calls me and he stays on the phone until I fall asleep because he says I shouldn't be alone when I go to sleep."

My chest warmed at the idea of someone showing how much they cared about Spencer. The feeling goes away when I realize that I haven't been giving him any of that attention that he deserves. He's been nothing but supportive with me and I never acknowledged how important his is to me. 

"I love you, Ry, I really do but you really need to get your shit together. The world doesn't stop because you're having a bad day. You need to stop being so selfish and realize that." He slowly made his way to the door. The sound of it opening caused me to turn around.

"Spencer," I said in a broken voice. He stopped and turn back partially to face me. "I'm sorry." His lips turned down and his brows sunk. I didn't realize how bad I hurt him until now. He nodded at my apology.

"I'll see you around Ry," he said calmly. He walked out and shut the door behind him. I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands. My palms were decorated with salty tears.

I lost so much in my life, each loss cutting deeply into me. I naturally expected my best friend to always be there for me. Now, I lost him too and it's all my fault. I think that's the deepest cut I'll ever get.