"Ask most surgeons why they became surgeons and they usually tell you the same thing. It was for the high, the rush, the thrill that comes from cutting someone open and saving their life. For me it was different, maybe it was because I grew up in a house with five sisters. No, definitely because I grew up in a house with five sisters because it was the quiet that drew me to surgery. The operating room is a quiet place. Peaceful. It has to be in order for us to stay alert, anticipate complications. When you stand in the OR, your patient open on the table, all the world's noise, all the worry that it brings disappears. A calm settles over you, time passing without thought. For that moment, you feel completely at peace. Ask most surgeons why they became surgeons and they usually tell you the same thing. The high, the rush, the thrill of the cut. For me it was the quiet. Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we even knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in a stranger's act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening so we can embrace them, live in them. And finally let them go" 

"all we are saying is give peace a chance"

Richard was giving a speech to the doctors. "Hospitals across the country have reported substantial savings...", Richard said. "He's losing it", Kelly said. Beck, Aurora and Kate hummed in agreement. "To make this decision, I've enlisted one of our own to a trial run for the last month", Richard said. "Dr Sloan?" "I know what you're all thinking. "It's a machine. It doesn't know me, doesn't know what I like", Mark said. "But after using this new system for the past month, I gotta stay, people, I'm a convert. This computer knows me better than I know me". Derek came up to the front of the group where Richard and Mark stood. "Chief, this thing's rearranged my schedule for the week", Derek said. "I mean, haven't we had enough change here already?" "Change is good, everyone", Richard interjected. "Embrace it". He walked off.

Alex walked into the trauma room where Aurora was standing, cracking her neck. "Hey", she said. He just nodded at her, and she rolled her eyes. Cristina walked in. "Hey, Alex, I just got a call from Swender's office", Cristina said. "Lucy has an IL-2 treatment this week that she hasn't called back to confirm".

"And?"

"And...she's your wife. Who could die"

"She'll show up. She's a crappy wife, but she's not an idiot"

"Ok, well, it's Thursday at 10:00. So you know"

She left the room. Aurora gave him a sympathetic look and he turned away.

Derek had gathered the residents in the skills lab. "Microsurgery is about precision", he said. "The microscope changes perspective radically. Hand-eye coordination can be learned, but now, I need naturals. Each one of you will get a chance to guide this pen through the hole in the cup. Whoever makes a mark closest to the president's nose and doesn't hit the side of the cup gets to scrub in. The person who's closest will get to join us in the OR to remind me to take breaks, drink water, bend my legs. I will be your patient, essentially. Alright, who wants to go first?" Everyone raised their hands. Kate did it first but missed the cup. Kelly went next but hit the side of the cup. Lexie missed the cup. Aurora knocked the cup over. "How'd you get into this program?" Cristina exclaimed. Aurora lunged at her but Derek held her back. "Sit down", he said. Aurora glared at Cristina before sitting down. Beck was next, hitting the cheek of the president. Jackson got up. "Here we go", Derek said. Jackson hit only inches away from the target. "Somebody improves on that, I'll be out of a job", Derek said. Cristina got up. "Then you might wanna retire", she said. She hit the side of the cup, missing the middle. Everyone was shocked. "Would you look at that?" Aurora said, smirking. "Shut your trap, Sloan", Cristina snapped. "Ok", Derek interjected. "Dr Avery, you'll be scrubbing in. Dr Jacobs, I am now your patient". He left the room.

Beck met Jackson at the vending machines. "You've gotta be nervous, right? Being in there that long?" she said. "I'm kinda nervous".

"What do you have to be nervous about? You're not even operating"

"But I'm basically Dr Shepherd's doctor"

"So you fell for that. It sounds...sounds more like you're his bitch"

"Excuse me? You know what, you're gonna need to take a break eventually. And you're gonna need to stretch. You're gonna need to pee. And when you do, I'll be there to take over"

She smirked and sipped her soda. "Yeah, I don't take breaks", Jackson said.

"You seriously you're gonna last all day in there?"

"I've done it before. Yeah. But that's because I know to stop taking fluids before a long surgery. Have fun playing nurse. It sounds neat"

He walked away. "I just remembered why I don't make small talk with people!" she yelled after him. A diaper on a supply rack then caught her eye.

Beck was in the resident's lounge staring at the diaper when Cristina walked in. "Is that what I think it is?" she asked her.

"What? No, no no"

Cristina grabbed the diaper from her. "A diaper?" she questioned.

"It's for the surgery. Please don't tell anybody about this"

"Genius. You never have to leave the OR, you can hydrate all you want"

"You're mocking me. Fine. Whatever. It's not like I was gonna use it"

"Of course you are. This is the definition of hardcore. You're like an astronaut. This is surgery, NASA-style. Put it on. Right now. I'll guard the door"

Derek, Jackson and Beck wheeled Isaac to the OR. Beck's diaper was visible through her scrubs and Jackson gave her a weird look. She continued to look uncomfortable as they made their way to the OR.

They had been in surgery for 8 hours and Derek had just been talking to himself. "Dr Shepherd, I really think it's time you take a break. It's been over eight hours", Beck said. He ignored her and continued to mutter to himself. "Dr Shepherd", she repeated. "Dude, if you need a break, take one", Jackson added.

"Please, I don't need one. I'm hardcore"

"Are you wearing a diaper?"

"Shut up. At least bend your legs"

"You can't bring yourself to use it, can you?"

"Shut up! Shut the hell up!" Derek snapped. "Jacobs, I don't need a break. If you do, take one. Either of you open your mouths again, you're out of the OR"

Beck walked out and bumped into Bailey at the doorway. "Bathroom break", she said, before running past her.

Alex was on the phone at the nurses station. "Shepherd. Lucy Shepherd", he said. "I know she's not at home. You have to try her cell. Fine, just... No. Tomorrow at 10. Don't cancel it. She'll be there". Aurora came up behind him with charts. "What?" he asked.

"You missed the contest this morning"

"The one you tanked?"

"Thanks. Anyway, Shepherd has assigned us to round on his cancelled craniotomies. And, as much as I'd rather watch his super-secret surgery from the gallery, I can handle it myself if you wanna, you know, deal with your Lucy stuff"

"Well, aren't you sweet?"

"I'm trying to be nice here, Alex"

"You think if I'm not there you might get to do some big bad neuro and tell Shepherd you did it solo. Which, by the way, kinda makes you a douche"

"You know what? I tried. Go ahead, throw away your marriage. I will be rounding"

"I'll be rounding"

Richard suddenly entered the OR. "Dr Shepherd", he said. "Dr Shepherd, am I to understand that you cancelled your surgeries today to operate on a spinal cord tumour? Dr Shepherd!" Derek said nothing. Richard walked over to him. "The rate of infection for this patient is increasing every second you keep him open, not to mention the thousand of dollars you're wasting standing here doing nothing", Richard said. "So I am demanding that you close this man up. Close him up and relinquish the OR. Right now, Derek".

"Ok. That's it. Let's close him up"

Richard had gathered Derek, Jackson and Beck in a conference room. "This patient understands what cutting the cord means?" Richard asked. "The loss of function in both legs, and possibly more?" "We have to cut the cord to kill the tumour. There's no other way", Derek said.

"Ok. That'll only take an hour or two. You can have OR 1. Hunt needs it right after, so you'll have enough time"

"Thank you"

"Good luck"

Richard got up and left. Derek turned to Jackson and Beck. "We're not cutting the cord", he said. "We're not?" Jackson asked.

"The mistake I made yesterday was that I wanted a plan. There can be no plan. I just have to pick a point and cut"

"But what you said yesterday, if you cut an artery or hit the cord...", Beck said.

"Isaac wants us to take the risk. He wants a cure. And it's our job to try. See you in the OR"

He then left the room. "This is bad. This is really, really bad", Beck said.

"Are you kidding? No one at Mercy West was this bad-ass"

"This isn't bad-ass! This is... You saw him yesterday. He was spinning himself in circles, mumbling like some crazy psych patient. And he was mean"

"Well, he's your psych patient now. Deal with it, diaper genie"

"Hey, I wore a diaper yesterday, yes. And I will wear one today. If it helps get Dr Shepherd through this surgery, I will wear a diaper. My diaper is awesome. My diaper is hardcore. You wish you had the balls to wear my diaper. I'm gonna wear it, and I'm gonna wear it with pride. And if I have to pee in it, oh, I'll pee. Because I am a surgeon. And this is America. And I will do what needs to be done. So you can kiss my harcore diaper-wearing ass"

He smiled at her.

"What?"

"You're cute when your mad"

Beck fought a smile and he smirked. "Shut up!" she snapped and stormed out.

Derek, Jackson and Beck were in the OR. "Ok, I've gotten the first plane. We're ready to make our first cut", Derek said. Mark entered the OR. "I heard you needed some support", he said. Derek looked at Beck. "You need people to talk to. Experienced surgeons", she said. "And you can't say no because I'm in charge, and this is what I'm prescribing".

"Thank you, Dr Jacobs. Ok. Let's start. Making the first cut"

The monitor started beeping. "What, did you paralyze him?" Jackson asked.

"No. One vessel down. Settle in. We have many more to go"

Aurora and Alex were doing rounds. Alex continued to check his watch several times. "Dr Karev, can I see you for a minute?" she said.

"I'm a little busy"

"Dr Karev, it's important"

He walked over to her. "You need to go. It's past ten", she whispered. "You're checking your watch every five seconds. You're distracted. Just go, I'll finish up here".

"Shut the hell up"

"Alex, come here"

She dragged him out the door. "You don't know me. Why are you all up in my face about this?" he asked.

"Because there's a girl sitting down there on the third floor waiting for her guy"

"She doesn't want to see me, ok? She bailed. She didn't even tell me to my face. She left a note. So stop trying to act like you know anything about it and let me get back to my job! Ok?"

"If you're sure about that, then fine. Don't go. But you better be 100 percent sure she's not hoping you show up. Because right now, you are making a choice. You. Not her. So you better be at peace with that"

He walked away.

"I've cleared a path at T-5", Derek said. "If I continue along this plane...". The monitor started beeping. "MEP tray losing amplitude. What just happened?" Mark said. "Vessel burst, might be connected...", Derek began. "And if there's not enough blood reaching...", Beck interjected.

"I could've paralyzed a patient, yes. Suction, please. Suction"

"Easy, careful", Derek instructed Jackson.

"There's too much blood"

"We're losing him", Mark said. "I should've just cut the cord. This is too risky", Derek muttered.

"Wait, it's back. Amplitude's back up"

"So, the cord didn't stroke out? You didn't paralyze him?" Beck asked. "Vessel was connected to the tumour", Derek replied. "Nice work, Derek", Mark said.

"Thanks"

He walked away from the table. "Dr Shepherd?" Beck said.

"Take off my mask"

"What?"

"Take off my mask. Take off my mask!"

Beck rushed over and took off his mask. Derek then bent over and threw up.

Derek was sitting on a stool breathing heavily. "Get in there. Take a breath and get back in there", Mark said. "You can do this". "You really should drink something", Beck suggested.

"I'm fine"

"You're not fine. You're dehydrated and you're stressed. You really should drink something"

"I said I'm fine"

"Drink the water. I said drink it!"

He sighed and took the bottle.

Alex was waiting in the immunotherapy room. He looked around at the other cancer patients. Lucy wasn't there.

After Richard had tried to get into the OR, Bailey was checking the door. "Dr Bailey, care to fill us in?" Derek said.

"No, I would not. Because anything outside of this OR is not your concern. Your only concern is this patient. Now, keep going"

It was now 13 hours into the surgery. "Damn it", Derek muttered. "What is it?" Callie asked.

"I can't tell which one of these vessels feeds the cord and which one feeds the tumour. I have to do a blind cut"

"Like a trip wire?"

"I cut the wrong one, the entire cord strokes out. We'll come back to this later"

"Later? So you could finish the surgery only to cut the wrong one? This will all have been for nothing?"

"Exactly. Thanks for pointing that out"

It was now 21 hours into the surgery. "How many inches left?" Beck asked.

"Less than two. So if I do my math, we've got four to five more hours"

"Crap. oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap!" Jackson exclaimed.

"What is it?"

"My hand. It's cramping. Damn it!"

"Don't move. Don't move another..."

"BP's dropping!" Arizona said.

"Ok, we're touching the cord. If we disturb it any more we run..."

"Pulse is down to 52"

"It's getting worse, guys", Jackson said. "Ok. It's ok. Just stay still", Beck reassured. "I'm gonna reach in". She grabbed his hand. "Hey", she said, they locked eyes. "Just close your eyes and breathe. Ok? It's just a spasm". Jackson relaxed under her touch. "BP's back up 100 over 68", Arizona said. "Have you had anything to drink today, Dr Avery?" Derek asked.

"What?"

"Muscle cramps are a sign of dehydration. You went without fluids so Dr Jacobs couldn't get her hands on the retracter, isn't that right?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry"

"Don't apologise. Just step aside. Dr Jacobs, take over"

Beck moved over closer to Jackson slowly. They brushed fingers before he let go of the retractor and she took over.

It was now 26 hours into the surgery. "A or B? Dr Jacobs?" Derek asked. "A or B?"

"You're done? You got it all out?"

"Except for the blind cut. Just have to pick one and we're good to go. A or B?"

"You're kidding"

"You're stalling. Dr Avery?"

"I don't like to gamble", he replied.

"Dr Sloan?"

"So you can blame it on me for the rest of your life? This is all you", Mark said.

"Right. My call. Great. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, catch a tiger by its toe..."

"Are you playing Eeny Meeny Miney Moe?" Beck asked.

"Yeah"

"No"

"Yeah. It's a bad idea?"

She laughed.

"Ok. Ok"

He made the cut.

Alex was still sitting in the immunotherapy room when Aurora came in. "Derek finished the surgery", Aurora said. "And I took care of all the pre-ops, so we're good to go". He nodded with tears in his eyes. "She didn't show", he said. "She can't be this stupid. I mean, it saved her life. The IL-2 saved her life. And she didn't show up. She...she didn't show up. Who doesn't show up?" He put his head in his hands. She sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. 

hope you enjoyed! comment your opinions! song is give peace a chance by john lennon