"Hello?"

"Matt? Are you still up?"

"I am now." Says the mousey man, flicking on the bed side lamp.

The softness of the voices and the warm colored light filters through the previously dark silent house in an almost curious way. The quiet waiting to hear what will be said next; the light wanting to see it.

"Do you think you'll be up for a while?" Inquires a timid Josh a Ramsay, clad in pastel blue pijama pants and an old oversized sweatshirt.

"It depends..." Matt considers the older man's common late night moods as his eyes adjust. 

"What is it that you need?"

"I, uh. I can't- can't sleep?"

"Again?" Matt notices upon further inspection of the singer's facial features that there are tear tracks smeared onto his porcelain skin.

"What's wrong Josh?"

Instantly concious of his appearance he runs his sleeves under his eyes for what Matt doesn't know is the thousandth time that night, only succeeding in further smearing the makeup left on from the night before.

"Um..." Josh runs yet another nervous hand through his hair and goes to sit on the bed next to his best friend,

"I'm. Just, still thinking about it. Ya know? Like it took me so long to kick the habit, but everything is still right here Matt. I've been here before. I've been here so many times before. And. I need to go somewhere new. Somewhere I haven't been yet. Somewhere... Somewhere."

The insecure man is too distraught to continue as a sob wracks through his body. And as much as Matt doesn't want to watch his best friend fall apart like this, he can't turn away. 

It's almost like a car crash. He thinks to himself.

"Oh Josh..." He says solemnly, wondering how long it will take for him to come back to reality this time. He always seems to get lost in his thoughts. You always do seem to get lost in something when you're running away.

"No, no. I'm sorry. Everything's fine," speaks Josh distractedly as he stands from the bed, suddenly deciding that this wasn't a good idea. 

"Where are you going?" Matt asks Josh, not for the first time in their friendship, and certainly not to be  the last.

"I just, I just need some time."

"Time for what Josh? You don't need to leave again. Just stay. Please stay here with me. Don't run away again. You can't fight this three sylibal war on your own anymore. You never could. You've got enough battle scars to know that you can't keep walking around here like you're a one man army."

"You... You just don't get it Matt. I just need some time. And then you'll realize. I promise."

Josh never was one for promises. But Matt knew that this time was just like the last, and there was no way to stop him from leaving. The only thing the young man could do was to wait up until Josh came home. But every time, Matt got more and more worried that Josh might not come home.

But he just needs some time.

He just needs some time.

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"Wake the fuuuuuuck upppp Mattyyyyy!!!!"

Josh has been gone for three days.

"Matty?" Josh calls drunkenly from the fouyer at 3 o'clock in the morning.

The tall, intoxicated man makes his way down the hall and stops at the door to his best friends room.

Without knocking he pushes himself into the room, being met with the wide but tired eyes of Matt Webb. 

"Josh!?" For the second time that week, Matt finds himself observing Josh's facial features and noticing the running makeup on the beautiful man's face.

Matt jumps up to hug Josh and fret over his constantly missing friend, but before he can get his arms around the immature singer, Josh grabs Matt's collar and pins him between the wall and his too thin torso.

"J-josh. What are you-" Josh, being his ever impatient self, doesn't  wait for Mattt to finish his question before pressing his lips to the younger mans. 

The kiss is fleeting, and for a moment both boys wonder if it even happened. 

Pain grips Matt's heart when he realizes just how drunk his friend must be.

Dropping to the floor, sobbs yet again come from the thin boy.

"I'm so sorry Matty. I'm falling apart. I'm so fucking sorry."

And Matt's sorry too. But he's sorry because Josh won't remember it, and this was the window he needed.

-----------------------------------

 "Fuck you! You've never helped me! You have always made this about something that it's not! I don't even know why I put up with you!"

"Josh! I'm just trying to keep you safe! Some part of you must realize that!"

"Just give me the god damn keys Matt! Just because we're dating now doesn't mean I can't go out with my friends anymore!"

"No! You're right! It doesn't! But it does mean that you can't go out and get drunk off your ass anymore!"

"What the fuck is your problem Matt!? Would you rather I do all that shit I used to do than this? Because if that's what you want-"

"THATS NOT WHAT I FUCKING WANT JOSH. I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF! To stop doing this to us!"

"Fuck you Matt! You don't care what's best for me! I just need a way to get things out! Don't you realize that!?"

"Give it up! I'm not giving you the keys to my car! You can't just keep running away when things get to be too much Josh!"

Josh has never hit Matt.

Josh had never hit Matt.

As far as Mike and Ian know.

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"Hey it'll be okay. Shhh. It'll be okay."

"No!" Josh screamed. "It won't be! I hurt you! I hurt you so many times Matty! What is wrong with me?"

"It'll be okay Josh. I promise. I'm not mad.-"

"No but you should be! I'm your boyfriend! The only way I should hurt you is by hugging you too tightly! I'm a monster!"

Josh springs from the bed and starts to pack a bag.

"No! Josh! It's okay! I swear to god! You don't have to go! You can take it out on me! You can give me a scar! Don't run away!"

Matt grabs Josh's hand and his eyes widen at his own bold move.

Josh considers staying, he really does. But then Matt's sleeve rides up and he sees the purple bruises.

And he's gone again.

He's gone again.

----------------------------------

"Well? I can't wait forever Matt. You're gonna have to come out eventually."

Matt starts to crack at the sound of his boyfriend's words. 

"Do you promise?"

"Don't be-"

"Do you promise? That you'll have my back this time? That you won't hurt me?"

"C'mon Matt. I'm not gonna hurt y-"

"I'm not just watching you fall anymore Josh! You're bringing me down with you. And I can'tdo this.

"Come on Matt. Just come on out. I'm worried about you babe. Come on out. We can turn on the light and try and rewrite this entire thing. I'll be the light you need in your life, I won't be the dark anymore Matty. I'll be the light. I'll be here for you. This doesn't have to be your curtain call. This doesn't have to be the end."

Matt stands and puts his hand on the door handle.

Weak and hopeless, the shorter of the couple swings open the bathroom door and throws the pills in his hand at Josh.

"YOU PROMISED. WHEN I SAID I'D BE WITH YOU. YOU PROMISED I WOULDN'T GET HURT."

Matt clings to Josh for dear life as he breaks down.

You promised.

"I know baby."

"Don't run away again Josh. You can't. I won't have you back next time. I can't keep doing this. It's ruining me."

Matt doesn't dare to utter the words he really wants to say. 

You're ruining me.

---------------------------------------------

"No Josh. No. It's not-" Matt attempted to choke back the tears that were already flowing down his cheeks.

"It's not fair Josh. You can't keep running away and expect me to stay here waiting. If you go... Well, well if you go, so do I."

Josh snapped his head towards Matt and locked blue with brown as he attempts to decipher the true meaning behind the boy's words.

"Matt-"

"No Josh. I don't mean what you want me to mean this time. I mean all of it. I'm leaving you, and I'm leaving here, if you walk out of that door one more fucking time."

"Matt, I just need some time. I'll be fucking fine."

Matt looks more hurt than Josh has ever seen him in the entire time that he's known him.

"So that's it then. You've made up your mind. You're running away. Again."

Josh looks down at his feet. All he wants to do is run.

But...

"No."

"No?" Matt asks, a little bit of hope left in his tone.

"No." Josh repeats, dropping his duffle bag to the floor and embracing Matt in a loving hug. 

"I need time, but. I can spend my time here. I'm not going to leave you again Matty. I'm not. I can't let you leave me. I can't let you leave this world. I need you here with me. Here with me always."

Wow. Matt thinks. After all this time, Josh still doesn't understand. It's not Matt that  walked away. Matt has never threatened to walk away. But he has always wanted to disappear. 

But it's alright. Thinks the shorter man. 

It's alright. 

Because this time no one's breaking, and no one's crying. And it's going to be okay. 

"I will never leave you again."

Yet, as much as those words warm Matt's heart, he knows that this won't last forever.

But knowing that Josh is here with him tonight, no matter how sleepless, meant that they would be okay. 

And there's no need to run away.