Kat
January 1, 2005

*

Same day

*

"That's... not... I wasn't..." I try to explain, but now that the lust haze is gone, I am unable to rationalize my actions.

Was that what I was doing? I wanted to stop thinking about everything and I figured with what I heard about Ben, he wouldn't complain.

"Ugh... I'm such an idiot." I cover my face with my hands. I just want to get out of here. Laying next to him in my underwear after being rejected is so embarrassing. I need to leave.

He pulls my hands away from my face. His eyes meeting mine. "No, you aren't. You are just hurting."

Is that it?

When I caught him with that whore, I was almost relieved. Maybe I'm just not processing my emotions properly...

I should be devastated. I mean, I am really upset, but I feel more like I'm mourning the life I lost, not the person.

I think he wanted to get caught. He probably hoped I would join in or something.

What a creep. How could I give so much to him? I cannot let myself get wrapped up in another man like that again.

I need to be strong.
I need to be independent.
I need to make better choices.

I need to... not be here. Crap.

Ben makes me feel weak and vulnerable.

But also powerful and wanted.

Ugh... I am so confused.

I do know that hopping from one guy literally onto another is not a good choice.

I also know that nothing casual can happen with my best friend's boyfriend's best friend. That would be all kinds of complicated.

Hopefully I haven't made things too awkward. Oh god, what if they get married? I will have to see him all the time. I will be reminded of this night forever.

He smirks, tucking my hair behind my ear. "There she is, the wheels are turning again."

I can't help the laugh that bubbles up. I probably sound insane, but this night is all sorts of messed up.

His face lights up and his dimples emerge. Crap. His smile turns my insides to jelly.

"Come on, Katarina, give the poor little hamster a break. Tell me your thoughts." He gives me a reassuring smile. I'm not sure I like him using my full name, it makes my heart flutter.

"I think..." I need a light topic. I just want to ignore my problems. "I think this has been the weirdest night."

He nods in agreement. "Weird good or weird bad?"

"Hah... Both?" I wince, knowing he's going to prod for more and I don't want to go any deeper.

"I am going to have to agree with you." I was not expecting him to agree. "Although, I think yours had a bit more bad than mine." His hand caresses my cheek and I can't help but lean into his touch.

I am so weak.

"Hmm..." His touch is relaxing and I feel the day catching up with me. The emotions and tears taking their toll on my body.

"You falling asleep on me, Kitty Kat?" I can hear the smile in his voice, but I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.

"I am not a cat." I say, as sternly as I can muster, but it comes out weak.

"Meow." He chuckles at his own joke.

"You are so not funny." I mumble.

"Oh come on. You're no fun." He tries to tease me, but he doesn't realize just how accurate he is.

Maybe if I were more fun, things would be different.

"If only you knew..." I snuggle into his hard chest, hoping he won't ask anymore questions.

I know I should leave, but I just can't bring myself to part with him. I'm sure he's filling some void and I'm being pathetic, but he hasn't thrown me out yet.

In fact, he pulls me tighter. Resting his face in my hair.

"Don't worry, I will protect you." He whispers and as I drift off into oblivion, I actually believe him.

I awake to the sounds of muffled shouting. There is a heated argument somewhere nearby.

When I try to move, I bump something hard with my elbow and freeze. I hear a groan and feel the bed move slightly. I am not alone.

Oh no.

What did I do?

Scanning the room, I realize I have no idea where I am or who could be behind me.

Unless Vanessa is having a really rough morning, that was definitely too deep to be her voice.

Crap. I am too afraid to look, who could it be? Bits and pieces from the night come to me, but not enough to piece together anything solid.

I remember crying at some point.
I remember drinking more than I should have.
I remember Vanessa being her usual self.
I remember her new boy toy stuck to her side.
And I remember... Uh oh.

It couldn't be... I wouldn't... Would I?

Am I really asking myself this after waking up next to some random guy? Well, maybe not so random...

Oh god, this is all sorts of complicated.

Okay, I just have to know... I try to roll over gently, without disturbing him.

I find a pair of amused green eyes staring back at me. A gorgeous grin with dimples on his stupid perfect face.

Crap.

I know I'm blushing hard, I can literally feel my face burning.

How did this happen?

"You done freaking out yet?" He asks with a chuckle.

Is he... laughing at me?

"Uh..." And just like that, he has short circuited the connection between my brain and mouth.

"Don't panic." He talks softly, like I am some wild animal that might bite him.

I am totally panicking. I just can't decide if I want to run out of the room or stay and figure out what exactly happened.

My curiosity wins, just barely.

"Nothing happened." I must look really confused, because he feels the need to explain further. "We didn't have sex."

"Oh..." I'm not sure if I should be relieved or hurt that he was naked laying next to me.

Nope. Not letting my mind go there.

I choose to feel relief. I wouldn't have remembered it anyway.

"Not for lack of you trying, of course." He flashes a cocky smirk at me.

I feel a frown tugging at the corners of my mouth, despite my attempt to keep my face neutral. No, I didn't throw myself at him, did I?

I vaguely remember waking up and thinking I heard my name through the wall and then...

"No way... I... Oh god!" My eyes pop open so wide, they begin to hurt.

Crap. Did I really climb on top of him? Yep, I was totally grinding on him.

I gasp, my gaze running down his body before I can stop myself. I take in his muscles, but his bottom half is covered in a sheet.

His eyes meet mine. "Reminiscing?"

"What! No!" My voice is too high and rushed to be convincing.

I remember licking his defined chest.
I remember...

he was naked!

I inwardly groan. I totally touched him. I know how big he is and...

Oh god! I know how he tastes.

"Shit." I know it's inelegant, but I can't think of anything else to say.

His mouth pops open as his face twists in shock. "Did you just... I can't believe you just said shit!"

"What? Why not?" I sit up, feeling defensive.

Why is he so shocked? He barely knows me. Why does he assume this? Did I say something weird last night?

"You seemed kinda offended when I cussed, so I guess I just assumed..." He looks shy, almost like he was caught doing something wrong.

"Based on?" Sure, I don't make a habit of using curse words, but it's more an ingrained reflex than an actual choice.

He hesitates, like he's afraid to say and I begin to feel slightly nervous. Crap, what did I say?

"You... uh... kinda flinched." He blushes and looks around the room. Insecure Ben is totally adorable.

"Oh." I'm honestly not sure how to respond because I definitely can't tell him the truth. "Well, I wasn't offended."

"Okay." He blows out a breath, looking up at the ceiling. "If you say so."

He looks completely unconvinced but I can't give him more than that.

"So." He clears his throat. "Not to be totally awkward here..." His gaze drops to the tent of his crotch before his eyes scan the floor.

"And not that I would mind laying in bed with you all day." He looks down my body and winks. "But, maybe we should get dressed?"

I look down at myself, just now realizing I'm sitting here in lacy underwear.

When I don't respond, Ben flashes his smile.  "Or not, I mean you look great."

I am unable to hide the look of shock on my face before I snatch the sheet to cover myself.

Which is no longer covering "Little Ben", if you can even call it that.

Oops.

Of course that would happen to me! I take a moment to look at it in the daylight and wow, it's like a sculpture.

Unable to stop myself, I have apparently lost my filter completely around this man.

"Well hello, Big Ben." I try not to giggle like an immature school girl, but Ben's laugh makes me laugh harder.

"Big Ben, huh?" He grins, making my stomach flutter. He shakes his head, amused. "What am I going to do with you?"

My mouth goes dry as my mind conjures up all kinds of things he could do to me. It feels like all the air was sucked out of the room as I struggle to control my breathing. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

My gaze returns to "Big Ben", as it seems to grow, straining to reach me.

Prying my eyes away, I meet his green gaze. He's no longer grinning or teasing, in fact, it looks like he's in pain.

"So, you like what you see?" His eyes never leaving mine. I try to close my mouth and steady my breathing. I need to keep my composure, but my head nods without my approval.

I lick my lips, remembering last night. I can't get my mouth to form words.

"Because I wouldn't mind seeing a little more." He reaches forward, tugging down the sheet.

He sucks in a breath. "Fuck, Kat."

I close my eyes, my insides turning to liquid fire. I love his cussing, like he can't control himself. Maybe it's because of my background and it makes him seem like such a bad boy, but it turns me on, like crazy.

He caresses my breasts through the sheer fabric. "God damn, you are beautiful."

I absorb his words as another wave of lust hits me. I know this is a bad idea. I know we should not be doing this, but I'm not sure I could stop it, even if I wanted to.

His hands move down my body as his mouth meets mine. His kiss is hungry and desperate and I can't get enough.

His hand grazes me where I'm aching and I nearly explode. I need him. Now.

"Do you have a condom?" He has to have one in here somewhere, right?

He blushes and looks slightly uncomfortable. "Actually..." We both freeze as the sound of yelling grows closer.

I pull the sheet up to cover myself just as the door bursts open. All I see Vanessa's fiery hair flying around as she takes the scene before her. "What the fucking fuck is fucking going on in here?"

I know her well enough to know when she can't think, she drops f-bombs. Her gaze drops to Ben's crotch, before he grabs a corner of the sheet to cover himself.

I can't help the laughter that bursts out of me at the sight of her craziness. "Calm yourself, Vanessa."