Kat
May 21, 2005

*

Same day

*

Why is Samantha here?

I guess he was pretending to hate her but as soon as I was out of the picture he ran right back to her.

I knew it was all pretend, so why does it still hurt to see him with her?

I can't believe I reacted that way.

I'm not that girl.
I'm not impulsive.
I'm not irrational.

I don't yell at guys in public.

As I make my way back to my friends, I realize my seat is taken.  Of course the only open one is by Johnny. 

Could this day get any worse?

He smiles at me when I sit down, draping his arm over my chair.  I'm not falling for that.  I lean forward, eyeing Vanessa.  Please look this way.

She catches my eye and a look of sympathy crosses her face.  Crap.  Did everyone see that?

Just great.  I'm back to being pitied. 

My stupid fake ex-boyfriend is making my life worse than it was before.

Johnny leans forward, drawing my attention to his stupid face. "So, do you want to exchange numbers?" 

"I don't have my phone.  Sorry."  I really don't want him to have my number. 

"But I thought you went to your car to get it?"  Crap.  He's right.  I just had to show it to everyone, didn't I?

"Oh yeah..."  I look around for my stuff.  "Hey, Ness, can I get my purse?"

She pulls it out from under her chair and passes it to me without a word.  She is looking awfully smug though.

I dig through it, but there's no sign of it.  I look down the row, hoping I it's on the ground.  "Hey, does anyone see my phone?  I think I dropped it."

Everyone looks around, but all I hear is "No".

Crap.
Crap.
Crap!

It was in the jacket.
The jacket I just threw at Ben.

Crap.

I need to get it back before he realizes it's in there.  He will probably think it's some pathetic excuse to talk to him. 

He can't find it. 

"So, why don't you just give me your number? And I will text you so you have mine, when you find it."  He's holding his phone, ready to type.

"Uh..."  Hesitating isn't going to make him stop.  How can I tell him no without hurting his feelings?

Vanessa reaches for his phone.  "Here, let me help you out."  She types what I assume is my number and hands it back to him.

Can I kill her now?  Is it wrong I wish she would start drinking again and leave me alone?

Yes, that's terrible.  She almost died.  She needed to quit.  I just wish she would leave me alone.  Maybe she just needs to get back together with Nate.

Stupid Johnny smiles, thanking my betrayer.  I hate them both.

During the entire ceremony, I ignore everyone around me, even Johnny who tries to make funny comments.  Well, at least he finds them funny.  Not sure about anyone else.  Even Ness speed fake laughing at some point.

By the time everyone walks across the stage, I have developed the "Phone Rescue Plan." 

Not a great name, I know.  But, "Operation Phone Retrieval" wasn't much better and "Save My Phone Scheme" is just terrible.

I just need to find out their plans without them knowing and find Vanessa's key before tonight.

Should be simple enough.  Right?

I spot Nate sitting in the back, alone.  Probably waiting to beg Ness to take him back.

Grabbing my purse, I head over to him.  "Hey, how have you been?"

I really hope he can't see through my attempt at friendship. 

His eyes are distant and his face emotionless when he answers. "Fine."

Okay... not so chatty.

"Breakups suck, you know?  I not only lost Ben, but I lost all of you guys too."  His eyes focus, meeting mine. 

"Yeah, they do suck.  I lost the love of my life.  Over something stupid."  I've never heard so much sadness in his voice, but he's the one at fault.

"It wasn't stupid, you kept a secret from her and then ignored her when she asked you about it.  She has every right to be mad."  Crap.  That wasn't the most tactful thing I could have said.

"I know.  I meant that I was stupid.  Keeping our secret was stupid in comparison to losing her."  That's so sweet.  If only Vanessa had heard him.

"Oh." I couldn't say anything else if I wanted to.

"I was just afraid that if word got out, the media frenzy would drive us out of here.  I couldn't imagine leaving her."  He gives a humorless chuckle.  "A lot of good it did me, huh?"

"Did you really think she would tell?"  She loves him too much to ever do that.

"No, of course not.  I was just afraid..."  He trails off without finishing.

I soften my voice, trying to sound comforting.  "What were you afraid of?"

"Losing her.  I was afraid if she found out who I really was, she wouldn't like me.  It was just easier not to tell her, you know?"  I wish he would say all of this to her.

"I get it.  I still think it was wrong, but I get that you were doing it to protect yourself."  I understand, but he should have handled it better.

"And Ben. Have you talked to him?"  Oh great, we've switched to me now. 

"Uh... not really.  I threw his coat at him, but that was about it.  He was with what's-her-name."  I still can't believe I did that.

"You know they aren't together, right?  Don't let her get to you."  I feel a little better, but I know he would lie for his best friend. 

"Yeah, easier said than done.  If someone kissed Vanessa on the cheek, especially her first love, how would you feel?"  Maybe he can understand where I'm coming from.

"Murderous."  Well, I feel a little better knowing he gets it.

"Exactly.  He's lucky I only threw his stupid jacket."  I laugh, but he doesn't join in. 

"You know, that wasn't just a stupid jacket, right?"  I shake my head. 

What is he talking about? 

"His grandpa gave it to him right before he died.  It's one of his favorite things.  He must really love you." My heart is about to beat out of my chest.

Pitter, patter.
Pitter, patter.

"Love?" I nearly choke on the word. "He said love?"

"Shit, sorry.  Maybe not love.  But you know what I mean.  He cares about you.  A lot."  He gave me something that meant a lot to him?

"Right..."  I'm not sure how to respond.  I didn't think he liked me at all, but he let me borrow one of his most precious possessions and didn't ask for it back.

Was it really better to lose something valuable to him rather than talk to me?  I'm not sure how to take that.

Should I be offended or flattered?

"You should try to salvage your relationship.  You guys were good together, even for that short time."  If only he knew the truth.

"I don't know about that..."  I hesitate. I can't tell him it wasn't real, but I hate lying about it.

"I do.  I've never seen him happier."  He makes a pointed look towards Ben and Samantha.  "Ever."

They seem to be in the middle of a heated discussion.  I wonder what that's about.

"Maybe you should try to fix your own relationship. I think ours is pretty much hopeless at this point."  I cut my eyes to Vanessa to emphasize my point.

He follows my gaze before dropping his head and sighing.  "I don't think she'll ever forgive me."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."  I wish they would just move past this.  They weirdly belong together.

"Really?"  He perks up, his eyes regaining some of the life that's been missing these past three months.  "What did she say?"

I just gave him back what he had lost. Hope.

"It wouldn't be right for me to discuss it, but I can tell you, she mentioned going to McClain's tonight.  She wants me to go with her."  I feel really bad for lying, but I need them both out of the house. 

It's a Saturday night, so hopefully everyone else will be gone too.

He smiles, actually smiles.  He leans forward, wrapping his arms around me.  "Thank you.  Thank you so much, Kat!"

As soon as we part ways, I track down Vanessa.  I need to find the key she never gave back to Nate, just in case the place is locked.

On the way home, Vanessa turns down the radio to talk.  Uh oh.

"So, I saw you talking to Nate.  Or should I say Declan."  She rolls her eyes. 

"I think Nate still works."  She glares at me.  Oops.  Wrong choice.

"So what did Declan want?"  She over emphasizes his birth name.

"Oh, you know, we just talked.  Small talk, nothing important."  Another lie.  They are piling up today.  I can't break his trust, just like I couldn't tell him what she's said.

"Yeah, right.  Like I believe that.  Just tell me before I tickle it out of you."  She probably saw him hug me and thinks I'm up to something.  For once, she would be right.

"Ness, I'm driving."  I shoot her a look, hoping it says "don't you dare". 

"What's wrong with you?  You look constipated."  She giggles at her stupid joke.

"Hah hah hah.  Very funny."  I roll my eyes, even though she probably can't see it.

"I know.  I'm hilarious."  She turns in her seat towards me.  "Now tell me what he said before I kill us both."

She's so overdramatic.  "Ness, I can't tell you.  It wouldn't be right.  He asked me about you, but I didn't tell him anything."

"What?  You were supposed to tell him I'm doing great without him and seeing lots of hot guys!" And throws her hands up, clearly disappointed in me.

"So, I was supposed to lie?" Again. 

"Well, I am doing great and I did see Johnny today.  He's pretty hot.  So, it's not a total lie."  She's definitely lying.

"Okay, one, he's not hot.  Or funny.  Or interesting. At all."  I don't even wait for her objections.  "And two, I'm not going to tell him your great when you're miserable without him.  You need to talk to him.  He's completely lost without you."

"He said that?"  She only hears what she wants to.

"Ness, he didn't have to.  It was written all over his face.  Unlike Ben's.  He, on the otherhand, is doing fantastic without me."  It's pretty obvious he doesn't miss me.

"Maybe he's just pretending. To hide his pain, you know?"  Yeah, not very likely.

"Yeah, and just spending time alone in his car with Samantha to help mask the pain, I'm sure."  I roll my eyes again. 

"He what!?  Are we going to murder him or her?"  I want to say both, but I have no fight left in me.

"Oh, what's the point?  He's clearly made his choice."  And it wasn't me.

"But you never even gave him the chance to fight for you."  Yeah right, like he would ever fight for me.

"Oh, look who's talking."  She needs to take a look in the mirror.  They actually love each other, there's no reason for them to be apart. 

"You're right.  Maybe I should have given him the chance to explain."  Yeah, no duh.

"He mentioned he would be at McClain's tonight.  Maybe you should go talk to him."  And leave our dorm room.

"Maybe I will.  You should come, talk to Ben.  And make sure I don't drink."  Crap.  This wasn't part of my plan, why didn't I think of this?

I grimace.  "Ness, I don't really want to watch him with Samantha."

"Oh shit.  I forgot.  Sorry."  She looks apologetic.  "How about I text you if they don't show up?"

"Okay, sounds good."  Vanessa heads to the bathroom to shower and I begin my search for that key.

Where would she put it?