Ben
February 14, 2005

*

Same day

*

I see her across the room.
Of course I see her.

I always see her.

And she's just as fucking beautiful as always. Maybe even more so.

Damn it.

I need to stop looking at her.

This is fucking Valentine's Day. The Holiday for desperate chicks, so why the fuck am I sitting here alone?

You already know the answer to that, you fucking idiot.

Damn it.

I scan the room for the thousandth time. My gaze lands on her, like it always does.

I want her so much, it physically hurts. I couldn't think about anyone else, even if I wanted to.

I don't want to. I want her, only her.

But I fucked it up.
Of course I fucked it up.
Because I'm a fucking idiot.

And now she really hates me. She's been avoiding me this whole time.

It feels like a fucking knife in my chest every time I see her and she's not near me.

I need to touch her soft skin. I want to kiss her sexy lips.

Can lips be sexy?

I don't know, but hers are. Everything about her is perfect.

I need her.

A blonde approaches me, Karen, I think. Fuck, I don't know. Who cares. She pushes her arms up in an attempt to display more of her tits and any other time, I would have been interested.

It's feels like that was another life. Everything feels so different now.

"Hey Ben." She says my name like it's supposed to mean something, but I couldn't care less about what she wants.

Oh shit, I think I may have fooled around with her before. Maybe?

"Hey, sorry, I gotta go. See you around." I stand quickly without a plan of where to go, but I figure I can hide from everyone in my room.

Even her.

I close the door, locking everyone out and stumble to my bed in the dark. Shit, I drank too much trying to ignore the girl across the room.

I feel something strange as I lay down...

I'm not alone. Fuck! Who the hell is in my bed?

"Ben?" I hear her groggy voice and instantly relax.

"Kat? What the fuck? You scared the hell out of me!" Why is she in my bed? Was she sleeping?

"What are you doing here?" Her confusion coming through her scratchy voice.

"What do you mean? In case you forgot, this is my room." I'm too amused to be irritated.

"Oh." She seems to realize where she's at.

"Oh." I chuckle. God, she's so fucking adorable.

"Sorry." I can hear the embarrassment in her voice and even though I can't see her in the dark, I know she's blushing.

She moves, in a hurry to get up and probably run away from the asshole that I am. I need to make her stop. I don't want her to leave.

"What are you doing in here, Kat?" I hope my question will be enough of a reason to stay at least a few minutes longer.

It's not.

She stands up quickly, just as a crash sounds through the room.

"Oh shit! Ben, I think I knocked something over." I can hear her scurry around, feeling for whatever it was.

I laugh. Nothing in my room is that important. "Don't worry about it, Kat."

"Don't worry about it?!? I'm pretty sure there's broken glass down here!" She's frantically feeling around. She's going to get herself hurt.

"That's all the more reason to not feel around in the dark. Seriously, Kat. It's fine. Stop before you hurt yourself." I hear her sigh, but she stops her movement.

"Now, tell me. What were you doing laying in my bed? Not that I'm complaining." Shit, that last part wasn't supposed to come out.

I feel the bed sink next to me as she sits down. "I just needed to... get away."

"I know the feeling." I sigh. What I don't say is I was mostly trying to get away from her.

"You do? You know what it feels like for all you friends to be in happy relationships and worried about you and your sad pathetic life?" She lets out a huff. Damn. I was not expecting that.

"Uh... Yes?" She gives a humorless chuckle and I can just see her eyes rolling. "Well, I mean, I kinda do. Actually. I guess I just never thought about it like that before."

"Oh." Well, that shut her up, which would usually be a good thing, but I'm not sure what the fuck to say.

I decide to use this moment to beg for her forgiveness. "Listen, I just want to say, I am really sorry. For everything. I know you're not a fan of starting over, but do you think maybe you could forgive me?"

She scoffs. "Oh please, like its that easy. You don't even mean that."

"I do too. More than anything. What can I do to make it up to you?" I would do just about anything she asks, I just hope she does forgive me.

"Nothing. There's nothing... at... all... Wait! I have an idea." I can hear the smile in her voice. Oh shit, why do I feel so nervous?

She keeps talking, not waiting for my response. "Okay! Just hear me out before you say anything. Okay?"

Again, I couldn't get a word in before she barrels on. "Okay. So, I think we should date."

I can't stop the sound that erupts from my chest. It's somewhere between a laugh and a choking sound. I'm so in shock that my body has broken.

"I-uh... You-what?" Words. What are words?

"Okay, before you shut me down." I wasn't going to. "It's not real. We can just pretend to date."

"Why the fuck would we do that?" Okay, now I'm really confused.

"Because I really need this. And you said anything!" She throws my words back in my face.

I groan and rub my hands down my face. What the fuck did I just get myself in to?

"Okay, okay. Just give me a minute... to... to..." To what? What the fuck is there to think about? I can't say no. "Just give me a minute to process... all of this."

"Sure, take your time." I feel her shift on the bed as she lays down.

"Make yourself at home." I half joke, because I honestly don't mind her laying in my bed.

She just giggles, stretching out to get comfortable. Damn. I really missed that sound.

I missed everything about her.

I'm going to have to do this. Pretend to be with the girl that I can't stop thinking about.

Shouldn't be too hard to fake feelings, it's the keeping them fake part that's going to be a struggle.

"Why exactly do you need this?" I have a right to know why we are doing this, don't l?

She sighs. "Does it really matter?"

"Before I agree to your crazy scheme, I need to know why we are doing it in the first place." Why can't it just be real? Of course, I don't say that out loud because I'm a huge pussy.

"Okay, fair enough. Everyone has been treating me like I'm fragile since the whole... you know... happened." I lay down next to her on my back.

"The whole you know?" I'm completely confused. What the fuck is she talking about?

"You know... New Year's Eve?" She sounds embarrassed, but I still don't understand.

"Why would they treat you differently because of that?" Maybe I'm missing something?

"Uh... because of... what happened... with you." Shit. This is all because of me?

"Oh... I didn't... I didn't know." I can't believe she has been struggling and it's all my fault.

"So uhm... Yeah... They act like I'm going to break, so I'm sick of being pitied and worried about and I just want to be normal... And you can help with that. Two birds, one stone. You know?"

"Uh, am I the birds or the stones here?" I chuckle. She's so weird sometimes.

She laughs. "Well, I guess the stone."

"Okay, so what are the birds?" I'm barely able to hold my laughter in to get the sentence out.

"Wait. No. That's wrong. You're a bird!" She sounds excited, like she's made a huge discovery or something.

"So... I'm a bird now?" Seriously... She is the most adorable person I know.

"Okay, everyone is worried about me because they think you broke my heart or whatever. So, bird one is you. And everyone pities me because I'm single. So, being a pathetic loser is bird two."

I turn on my side to face her. "You are not a pathetic loser." Completely ignoring the fact she said I broke her heart.

"I most certainly am. That's why I need this. If I can just throw the stone of our fake relationship at the birds, everything will be okay." Exhaustion fills her voice as she turns to face me.

I can't help but notice we are only inches apart. I can feel her breath on my face. If I leaned forward a fraction of an inch, our noses would be touching.

Shit. This is bad.

Faking it is going to be so hard.

"So... What do you say, Little Birdie? You in?" Her laugh echoing into the core of my being, reverberating and filling my chest.

I find her hand and pull it to my face, placing a kiss on it. "Let's throw that rock."

I am so fucked.

Character Inspiration

Karen (model uncredited)