My bare feet slapped on cold, wet pavement. Toes frozen, breath expelling white frost. Trauma bonded me to the building I'd left behind. I refused to look back, eyes forward running madly, one foot in front of the other. I couldn't explain it if I tried. Hell, I couldn't remember jack squat.

Fuzzed out memories circled lazily, a film of fog obscuring them. Every once in a while, clarity came, disjointed, out of sequence. Jumbled jigsaw puzzle with no map. Incoherent. Faces distorted, voices computer generated screams, amped up drug induced haze.

If asked, I couldn't tell you what transpired. There weren't enough words to describe it. I doubted my ability to speak. I tried, running from my worst nightmare, and got a guttural "uh." That was it. Speech impaired. Unintelligible.

The "uh" had a unique ring to it. Back of the throat quality, felt not heard. I tried again, putting force and effort into it. "Huh." Another consonant added. A stronger vibration. The sound traveled up my neck to my jaw. Tympani. Throaty. Like I had a cold. Underwater.

Ears clogged, sound waves beat on the cochlear, nerves dead. A dull thrum, not clear. With feet possessed a pounding beat on hard road, jarred steps traveled up my legs. But my ears?

Silence. A dub, dub, dub feeling of movement, breath escaping, lungs expanding and contracting. Nothing. Conclusion? I couldn't hear. Felt? Yes. Hear? No. A miniscule bit of knowledge about myself came clear. I was deaf. Always? I think so.

Cold was what I felt. A deep cold, icy to my core. Without taking my eyes off the road ahead of me, I finger the outfit I wore. Numbed fingers traced bare arms, skinny strap on my shoulders. A tank top. The fabric around my waist hung low, hip bnes peeking through. Pajama bottoms. No shoes.

My hair hung in greasy strands plastered to my head, wet and thick with snow flakes. I had come to consciousness running. I blanked out unable to recall how I got from the building to the road. From blank point A to blank point B. The sensation of memory loss, the sudden quickening of awareness jolted fear through my extremities.

A quick glance back caused me to stumble. Darkness pervaded the area. If there were monsters, they blended. Fear drove me like an animal on instinct. Get away and fast. Don't stop running. Adrenaline pumped, coursing through my veins. Whoever or whatever I left behind, didn't deserve a second chance. He, she, or it or they meant harm. That much I knew. That much I understood.

Without vital memories, all I had was instincts. They were telling me shelter was needed and soon. Snow blew in sideways now. Hard specks of ice clinging to my hair and skin. Hypothermia. That was the word. Amazing I knew what it meant. I couldn't stop or I would freeze.

Okay so another reason to keep running. With every step I put distance between me and the horror behind me. Did I want to remember? No way. Best forget it. Seek shelter. Everything will be okay once I'm dry and warm. Really? Yes, really.

I approached a metal gate, a small building next to it. Now what? I saw movement inside, a light flickering. Someone was in there. Friend or foe? My stomach clenched. Fear ratcheted up, heart hammering. Don't trust anyone. Foe.

The gate was nothing but a big metal bar hanging suspended over the road. No locks. I wasn't a vehicle, but a person. I could slip by undetected. For the first time, I saw the fence, barbed wire, too high for me to climb. Under the gate it is.

I bent down, half walked, half crawled under the gate. Really people? This was all that stood between me and freedom. An odd word choice. Freedom implied I was imprisoned. Locked away, unable to go anywhere.

I made it as far as the main road when the lights in the guard booth changed to an insistent red, a sure sign of having been spotted. Not being able to hear, if the person inside the booth ordered me to stop, I didn't know it. I ran faster along the fence line, clarity coming every step. Detained. Yeah, I was detained. Locked away.

One of the shifting memories came out of the fog. Dingy gray tiled walls. Just as quickly, the image floated back behind the ever present fog. Followed by faces laughing, pointing. Faces blurred.

Twin headlights pinpointed my location, illuminating the area. Bright as day. I crossed the road away from the fence to the woods on the other side. Tucked in the woods, the trees afforded cover and some warmth. Snow trickled down, not as heavily.

The headlights stopped, the vehicle braked suddenly, so suddenly it skidded on the icy road. I went in deeper, putting distance between and the laughing faces. The white suited ones mocking with mouths wide open, no sound coming out. Not for me anyway. Thanks to the highlighted area I studied the fence, a feeling of absolute terror sweeping over me.

Run.

Panic set in. I ran, but not fast, not well. I dodged, swerved, avoided near collisions with the trees, some trunks thick, some thick. Belatedly, an idea flourished. Climb you idiot. Getting caught was not an option. I searched for a tree easily assessible but not too assessible.

Some branches were too high, others too thin to bear my weight. Hurry. A different kind of panic set in. Suppose none of the trees were assessible? I'd be wasting valuable time. Undecided, run or climb? The very next tree decided it for me. Climb. The branches could be reached, the knots of the aged tree provided footholds and handholds. I scrambled up, feet slipping on rough bark. Hurry.

A piece of bark gave way, my foot slid off, knee banging on the trunk. I grunted low, moaning in pain. With a tenuous hold, my fingers dug into the bark. I dangled by my very fingernails, grown long, great tools for scratching and gouging.

Finally, I hoisted up to the first branch but didn't stop there. I climbed midway, high enough not to be seen by the white suited, flashlight bobbing people below. I hugged the tree, arms clinging, hands not meeting. Light flashed up, around and over. Was I high enough?

My heart beat too hard, blood pumped too fast. Please don't find me. With all the lights, I saw the dogs, teeth bared, snapping, noses working overtime. Suppose they smelled me? Picked up my scent on this tree. I wished I had time to climb higher. Halfway seemed to close to the ground now.

The men talked to each other, mouths flapping. Words not understood but body language told some of the story. They were looking for me. So obvious. What was not obvious was why. What importance was attached to me? I had been inside that place. Why?

What kind of place, facility or business concerned itself with me? Puzzle pieces, jagged edges, no matches. Confusion was the order of the moment. All I had were flashes of images that meant nothing to my present predicament.

Instinct pushed me to run, to climb, to hide. Instinct had guided me here. The people below meant to do harm. I needed safety. That was instinct. The facts would come later. All the important stuff in between the running, climbing, hiding, would eventually make sense. Without context, no understanding.

As quietly as humanly possible, I slid around the tree trunk, hiding behind it, obscuring my line of sight of the dogs and the guards. But I felt safer, invisible. I hoped it worked in my favor. I assumed the dogs barking covered movement.

I folded my arms and legs, perching precariously on the branch. One false move and I would fall. I waited them out. They wouldn't give up easily. They had lost one of their own. Determined to get me back at all costs. Instinct? No, a jogged memory, coming through. The haze was dissipating. Euphoria gave way to pain, the kind of slamming into a brick wall pain.

I hadn't known I was euphoric. Not until it was gone. Pain radiated, sparked, ached. Burned. I felt it in the pit of my navel. My legs cramped, my arms ached. My chest burned. A flash of light crept too close. I folded in tighter.

But I saw them. Needle marks on my arms. Dried blood. Memory hinted. Tickled. Teased. Flashes of light, an image, and more flashes. A bed. Tubes. Wires. That was all but it was enough to explain the blood. The marks on my arms. I was poked hundreds if not thousand of times.

My breath caught. I stopped breathing. Thousands suggested a length of time spent in that place. No. It couldn't be. I wore pajamas. There were friends. A party, a rager with alcohol. Connect the dots. I couldn't. The dots were too few and too far apart. Too much empty space in between.

Gown. Pajamas. The two didn't mesh. I was on a table. I was passing a bottle of liquor. Laughter. Tears. Joy. Fear. One set of memories clashed with the other set. The me I was then versus the me I am now. How much time? How many days, weeks, months?

Through the trees I saw the building. I hadn't run in far enough. I could see the building, triangular, tall and gleaming from the searchlights. Something was wrong. Off. My breath hitched. Chest tight, I sorted the puzzle pieces of memories and came up with a partial one. What I saw in my mind didn't gel with what I saw with my eyes. Same buildings but different appearance.

In my mind, there was less. Less windows, no roof. Unfinished. Easily assessible. For a bunch of teens bent on getting in. Before my eyes, a roof, windows, finished rooms, working electricity. Guards. Employees. Dogs. What was wrong with this picture? I couldn't reconcile the image in my mind with what I saw now.

Then in a rush of cold chills, an answer. Of a sort. Time had passed. Time a visible, tangible entity, had been stolen from me. Pajamas. Masks. Gown. Fire. Robes. Authorities. Hide. Caught. Captured. Held. Confined. Death. Escape. Run. Climb. Hide.

Here. Now. How much time? How long. Long enough to poke, prod, drug. To test. Observe. Imprison. My friends? Where are they? Had they got away? Were they in fact locked up? Promises whispered in the dark cannot be revealed in the light of day.

I sought out the memories yearning to understand. To know. I dug through the present into the past. A fire, contained in a steel drum. Faces distorted, masked. Words chanted and signed in ASL simultaneously. All a blur but wait. Why the masks? What significance were they? All good questions. Probing my mind yielded a headache not answers. Nausea rose up, sloshing and swirling. I pulled away from the memories but too late. Vomit erupted trickling down the tree trunk.

All lights focused on my tree. They heard. They saw. A white suit came for me. I climbed higher but not high enough. Dizziness overtook me. Strength ebbed, euphoria gone. My limbs locked in place. Unable to move, I watched helplessly as they came for me. Hands reached for me. Not too rough but not gentle either.

From deep within, a scream erupted born of panic, fear, desperation. The guard closest to me, wailed in pain. His hands released me, covering his ears. He dropped the flashlight, it bounced off branches before landing on the ground. The guard fell after the flashlight equally bouncing his bones crunching with satisfying snaps. Odd that I could hear it but not my own voice.

Icy fingers trailed up my spine. I screamed again, watching with fascination the guards who deployed the same reaction. Even the dogs were still. Realization swept through me much the same as a blizzard of whirling winter winds.

I am the monster.