Monster.

Monster.

Monster.

The word echoed, careened, bounced in my mind. Horror binds me to the tree ragged fingernails digging in the bark. I don't want to look but I can't help it. Compelled, forced, drawn to the forest floor. I sucked in a breath of cold air searing my lungs. Chills went up my spine. Guilt ravaged, tore through my heart, broken beyond repair.

Below, the flashlight that was dropped spun , revealing faces perpetually frozen in shock. Hands clutched ears, mouths open, blood trickled out of every orifice instantly freezing the moment it contacted the frigid air.

My stomach twisted, I dry heaved. Eyes closed to the damage I done. Dead forever.

I did this.

Me.

Horror chilled my bones. Realization hit like a ton of bricks. I am a monster. Me. I killed them with a single scream. How? I didn't know. But it had to have been me. Who else killed them? They wanted me. I was their prey. Their chosen target.

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I let out an anguished cry, clutching my ears. Stop. Please stop. My mouth formed the words. No sound just silent words. They came automatically I don't know from where but the five words had a calming effect.

"Yellow and blue make green. Yellow and blue make green. Yellow and blue make green." Why these five words? I didn't know. I kept it going until the word monster faded. Manageable. Comforting.

Beyond the woods, new lights flickered capturing my attention. I looked up, other lights joined in until it appeared to be one massive light. They were coming. New guards to replace the dead ones.

Fear took over. Feet on limbs, hands on trunk, down I went.  Too fast. Way too fast.
Panic drove me, hurry, hurry. Toes dug into the bark, feet slipped on smooth spots. I lost my grip on the next branch below. Down I went, the last few feet and landed on my back.

Breath knocked out, I tried to get my lungs to work. Coughing, I rolled over coming face to face with the dead guard who had fallen out of the tree. His eyes were black, devoid of life yet he stared directly at me. In fear, I swore I saw his lips move.

"Monster."

I screamed backing away, my colliding with the tree trunk. Seeing him like this made it all too real. I had done this. Me. Trembling, I longed to make it right, turn back the hands of time. Make him whole again. Did he have a family? Children?

Guilt expanded as an image of a wife and kids waiting expectantly for him to come home. He never will. None of them will. Tears dripped down my cheeks. I am not a killer. What killer cries over their victims?

The lights were getting closer. I had no more time. My eyes slid over the guard. Without another thought, I stripped him of his outfit, gathering everything in my arms. I has nowhere to go. No time to run. I dressed in the gear including the helmet.

Dogs appeared on the periphery. Guards brandished their guns. I dug deeper into the forest. Hands open, arms stretched out, touch tree trunks, use them as leverage. Hurry! Panic fueled adrenaline. Drug fueled haze clashed. Trees wavered, moved, toppled. Not true. None fell on me. All in my mind.

Horror is in eye of the beholder. Defense in my eyes monstrous in theirs. That is all they will ever see. Guards won't believe me. Only what they will witness. Shattered bodies, broken apart, cannot be put back together. They see a monster. I am one. They know it. So do I.

Jumbled haze of memories, pushed back. Only one remains. Bird masks. Ever present in the forefront of my mind, I see them everywhere. In the trees, logs, bushes, guards, dogs.

I shake them off with a grunt, trusting touch of the rough bark, wet snow. Do not trust the mind, only what is felt.

Lost. I was so lost. Dark. Damp. Snowy. White. So much white mingled with the dark. Accumulating together, creating much confusion. In between whorls of white was the darkness. Muddled obscured. Not clarity. My mind the same. A bright flash of memory, poof, instantly there, instantly not. A face, a smile. The name on the edge of my memory, the tip of my tongue. I looked for clues, but saw only the head, a close up, a selfie.

Distinction of features blurred. Background lighting caused the face to be partly in shadow, the eyes to be colorless. Monstrous. Bird like. I saw lips move, words flow. I willed the light from behind to move, to dim, shut off. I don't understand. What are you saying?

The image drew closer, too close. Like staring in a mirror too long or playing the staring game with another person, their facial features become distorted. Two eyes became one. The nose disappeared into the mouth. Hair as flame, crackled with aural energy.

My right foot caught on an exposed root. I fell down, down, down. The boot slipped off. I scrambled blindly digging in the snow for it. Time slowed, stopped then speeded up. I tied the laces this time, double knotting them. I crawled to the edge of the woods.

A road. I had circled back around! Beyond that, a wooden fence. Open field. Think. Where am I? As if in answer, the ground began to rumble. I look up, seeing giant birds hovering. Their wings part the grasses. Whipping the snow into a frenzy. I scanned the area between the flakes. Nothing but white in a sea of darkness.

Another flash. Another glimpse. Curtains parted, fog lifted. Faces, plural. Multiple. Sexless. Genderless. Eyes dead. Mouths laughing with cruelty. But who? Where? Why? At my expense? Bullies or teasing friends? Now I'm not so sure. With the drug haze worn off each image is sharp, pointed. Stabbing into my brain with clear, concise, crisp photographic imagery. All sharp edges, no middle definition.

My head throbbed, my stomach churned. The vibrations on the ground increased. I couldn't lift my head high enough. Blankly I stared at the oncoming bird like machines. My mind suddenly couldn't connect a name with the thing flying over the open road.

Move! Too late. They flew right up to the edge of the woods, lights centered on me. I squinted, blinded. Hands up over my face. Think! I can't, won't go back. They can't make me. Run!

I veered to the left, away from the machines with the odd wings on top. Run, run, far away into the dark, away from the light. Can't see me, can't find me without the light. I wish, I hope. Darkness is my friend. I clung to it like a lifeline. Covering, sheltering, hiding. Woods at my right, fence on my left. A narrow passage, life and death.

A choice. Stay or go? What do I do? No looking back. That way is death. Forward only. Running forever. I ducked, stepped over, crawled under the wooden fence. Grass, dried brown, under a foot of snow, cut, sliced, torn open the bottoms of my feet. I felt it, then didn't. Snow numbed the cuts.

I ran blindly like a drunk in the open field. My eyes sought out patterns, a faint light, anything concrete, a homing point to run to. I couldn't see going forward. Don't look back. Firing on all cylinders, I tore through the fields instincts guiding, leading, warning. Prickles up my neck, chills going down my spine. Were they close? Had they spotted me? Did they unleash the dogs?

The Twilight zone-esque sensation increased. In the back of my mind, the dogs were close, too close. Snapping at my heels. Biting my ankles. Memory crossed the present mingling together. Had I run before? Was this not my first attempt? Gown. Slippers. Hauled away kicking and screaming. A mask, metal, effective. Then, chains, trapped. Room.

Other faces. Masked. Neutral. Blank. Uncaring. Hovered. Needless stabbing with precision. Too quick to be human. An impossibility. Go away. I have no time for this.

I shuttered the thoughts, invasive, insistent. Focus. Forward. Always forward. I stared into the white mingled with dark. In between the flakes, a light. Suddenly on, quickly winked out. That was my goal, that light. My beacon. My way out.

Out of nowhere a wave of guilt slammed into me. I killed people. In that building. The woods. Others too many to count. Bad guys and ladies. Or so I thought. Were they really bad? I was told they were. Who was the real monster, them or me? Me. Guilt flourished, wavered, faltered, died. It flared then shriveled away to indifference. They meant to do me harm. I had to do it.

The light up ahead blinked in increasingly faster intervals. What could it be? As I approached, horror washed over me, chilling with a soul burning cold. A tower. A damn watch tower. I should have stayed on the road. It had seductively lured me into its clutches. The searchlight, far brighter in voltage and intensity scanned the ground in ever increasing concentric circles.

I crowd right up to the fence. Snow blew in between the chain links. It was less flakes, less white, more dark. The fence went on for miles. My legs burned from the constant pace. They wobbled, faltered, weakened. I lost strength with every step. I didn't know if I could keep up the pace. A sweep of light came too close revealing bigger human shadows behind me.

Run, run, run! The guards were close, the dogs still closer. In one swath of light, I saw them. Snarling beasts. They kept them in a compound. I remember that. Someone, I don't know who, complained about their incessant barking day and night. I took their word for it. There were many, too many. They said it, I recalled it. My name, did I know my name? An impenetrable fog wall. Not yet. I will learn it. I had to.

Snow softened my footsteps. The fence a considerable distance, I kept it in my peripherals. A guide. A companion. It might have burned me but it offered protection as well. I followed the fence line curving around in a wavy line. In one of the light sweeps, I saw it, a hole in the fence.

A way out.

Cut by a previous runner no doubt. Careful. Don't touch. Squeeze through, slither like a snake, head first, shoulders next. Slithering on my belly, snow was not as cold anymore. Bent back pieces of fence tore at my pajamas, cutting, slicing through the thin fabric, skin split open. Blood pooled out.

A mess of cuts and sores, I dug my knees deep, elbows too, wriggled my legs, feet at last. I stood, sky met the ground and so did I. I tumbled, rolled, flipped head first, then shoulders then legs. Down, down, down, a gone feeling in my stomach, dropping to my toes. No control, no ability to stop, where will I land?