Last visit for the year and things seemed okay. Had lots to say because of the medical events that have filled the fall season and continue on yet. Didn't resolve anything because, aside from a visual scare that still requires attention, I'm not a, 'get every test possible and live out my days in waiting rooms' person. I have conceded to one more scan in early January.

Discussed the endless recurrence of dreams and how I might avoid the repetition. We talked of guilt, mine for maybe not doing more, which he denounced. Flat out he queried my reasons and made me answer, facing the fact, while more could always be done, I was attaching my actions as complicity to the end. Were they? Had I done the best I could? His questions sat like anvils on my brain. Second guessing is a cruel sport to entertain. It will be two years soon and I am resigning myself to the fact that it will always be yesterday.

Talked about the month my grandson stayed with me and while it was fun and a great experience, the unavoidable stress of responsibility was a real pain. He's an adult, but under my roof he was a kid again; the parental syndrome kicked in.

Went over the inevitable losses of friends and family and how that affected my life. It didn't really, not any more and that provoked a debate on relationships. I said that the reason Nat's loss was so hard to accept was that she was in my life for over 60 years. My parents and my own kids combined didn't occupy nearly that amount of time.

Realistically, my earliest memory was around age 3 and I left home at age 20. The 17 years between were made up of meals together, a few holidays and the usual family gatherings. Dad was in the war, mom had to work and I was alone. Later on both parents worked I was in school or working myself.

It was pretty much the same with our kids except we always had holidays as a family. But daughter left at 19 and son at 18. She married had a wonderful family. He came home for a year then he married and had another wonderful family. Shrink argued that even all my years with Nat weren't actually in contact; she worked, I worked. But, I said, we also spent every night, all night together and that was the big difference - the very big difference.

Told him I would come back after all the medical stuff was over and we could parse that. Meantime he was to keep on with his meds and exercise.

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So I have turned my attention to suppressing the negatives and instead paying attention to the fact that my clothes washer tap leaked and flooded my hall carpet.

Put on some music, sat down and dozed.