i was ten when my sister introduce me to internet for the first time, i thought how cool it was to be able to talk with people all around the world, therefore, i couldn't wait to actually playing around with it.

the thing was no one ever told me how to use internet properly. all i knew, that time i was hurt, really hurt, and i was so sad. somehow, internet's magic make me felt less sad, and i met a lot of people that sharing the same interest with me, something that still make me amaze because not all people around me in real life understand my obsession.

those people taught me to send hateful comment to other people, saying it was the right thing to do and that i should speak my opinion louder. and i said yes, i made an essay about how bad they really were and share it on internet, a lot of people read it, some of them told me i was right, the others told me i was pathetic human being who need an attention, and i guess, they were right, i need an attention, i need something, anything, to make me feel happy even though something deep in my heart told me what i did was wrong.

a few months gone with me trying to be the 'cool' person on internet until i feel exhausted and realized how toxic i was.

i remember when i was fifteen, i got my first panic attack because some people said something about me, full of curse and negative adjective. i cried and cried and cried until the tears become foundation for my face and that time i realized a lot of things.

i realized how it felt to be the person that get attack on internet. how shitty it was and that people should never feel that way.

---

july 05, 2018

this actually more like writing a diary than a poem 😂

who is your favorite poet? mine is the one and only nikita gill.

also, please give me book rec because i need something to do and reading always be my favorite activity. (actually have a lot of 'to be read books' that need attention)