𝙽𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟶-𝟷𝟷𝚝𝚑, 𝚃𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚍𝚊𝚢 & 𝚆𝚎𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚍𝚊𝚢
Parker POV

As I watch Miles walk away, my inner voice screams, Dude, go stop him! He's getting away!

Yet my feet don't move, even when I will them to try. I'm mortified at myself and how rooted I am. One of my worst nightmares almost came to life, but at the expense of the person I love the most getting crushed.

I don't know what to do. All of the chances I had to fix this mess are shot. Miles probably hates me, and that's only because I'm not man enough to admit two simple words.

"What was that gay bullshit? Should someone call that kids probation officer for sexual coercion?" Luke pipes up.

I go rigid, partially because of the racial discrimination and unfairness towards Miles but also because my clique doesn't know the full story. None of them are quiet about their distaste toward Miles right now. I start to wonder, would they say the same thing about me too?

"Hey, Luke," Griffin says as he walks over to the table and sets his lunch tray down like a gavel on the table. His orange flies off and rolls onto the floor. "Have you ever tried shutting the fuck up? No one gives a damn about your conspiracy theories. If you're that worried about Black Beauty, go suck his dick and find out some real facts. Then come talk shit."

A collective ohhhh sounds around the table. Even Rose gasps, slapping a hand over her mouth at her brother's outburst.

The sound of scuffling shoes on the tile finally uproots me, making me whip around quickly to face my friends. Luke is on his feet and looks ready to jump over the table. He's pointing at a very unnaturally poised Griffin. I recognize that look on my cousin's face; it's the calm before the storm. He wants the excuse for a fight.

"Want to say that again to my face, bitch?" Luke seethes, spittle flying.

"Get up on my level first. Cunt."

"Good god!" I burst out and throw my hands up in frustration. "Get over yourselves. This should not be such a big deal! Acting like a bunch of idiots..." I keep mumbling and throw my apple down on the table. Not like I was planning on eating it, anyhow.

Rose's eyes widen in worry, and she starts to stand, but I point at her. "Sit down. You're all pissing me off. I'm going to go." I swivel, leaving nearly as fast as Miles did.

If any of them say anything, I don't hear it as I walk away. It's difficult to keep my eyes up and look past all the gaping faces and judgmental glares. It's like everyone in this school can suddenly see right through me.

My footsteps echo in the empty hallway once I leave the bustle of the lunchroom behind me. It's a long shot to go looking for Miles, but I need to tell him... Tell him... what, exactly?

That I'm sorry for refusing him in front of my friends when I promised I was ready for this? That I feel for him one way behind closed doors, yet the second that anyone else is involved, I want to puke up blood? That I haven't known anything but being criticized for everything in my life, and I don't want him to be judged on my behalf too?

I really took this mess of a relationship, microwaved it, and turned it into a whole new sloppy monstrosity. There's no way that I can fix this. I still need to try.

Those thoughts whirlpool inside my head as I glance outside the front doors into the parking lot where Miles and I had our first real conversation. Nothing.

I rake through the locker bay. Empty.

"Fuck my life," I mutter and stop by his locker to lean on it, pressing my palms against my eyes to stop the tears from flowing.

What sucks ass is that my parents could help me smooth this over, or maybe even my uncle, aunt, or Rose, but half of my family doesn't even know that I am-- was-- dating a guy. The other half doesn't know I threw things down the garbage disposal.

Shit. My parents. They adore Miles. They're going to be so disappointed when they find out I didn't take their advice.

"This is bullshit," I say to myself again, but cussing doesn't make me feel any better. I don't have any other bright ideas except to drop my hands and pull out my phone.

Slowly, I inhale before typing in Miles phone number.

It rings for a moment, then jumps straight to voicemail. For one second, my blood runs cold hearing his voice as I believe he really picked up.

Hey! This is Holt, my bad that I missed your call. Leave a voicemail, text me, or whatever. Have a good day.

I hang up before the automation can start recording. My heart feels splintered from hearing his voice so happy, prerecorded or not. I wish I could go back in time to when he spoke to me like that.

There's a chance if I try hard enough, maybe we can go back to that.

So, I call again. And again. And three times after that. On the seventh missed call, I finally leave a voicemail.

"Miles, hey," I start lamely and rub my face. "Look, we seriously need to talk. You didn't do anything wrong at school today. I've just... Jesus, I don't have any excuses. I was scared and you're going to laugh at me, but I was nervous about what people would think. I balked and fucked up really badly. This is all on me. Please call me back or something, I'm begging you. Please. I need to fix this."

Swallowing, three words are heavy on my tongue, but it feels wrong to utter them in this situation. "Get back to me, okay?" I try hanging up, my hands shaking so badly that I miss the red button twice.

The reality of all this starts to tear at my limbs, making me feel like I'm falling apart from the inside out. I slide against Miles locker and hold my hands to my face again when the corners of my vision start to go black, desperately trying to keep myself together.

Footsteps come from the end of the lockers and start over this way. There's no use in getting excited because I can tell from the cadence that it's not Miles. If anything, I'm a little pissed at who it actually is.

"Did you come over here to tell me I'm an idiot? Because you better not waste your breath, Griffin," I drop my hands and blink rapidly, the tears in my eyes making his silhouette blurry.

Griffin shrugs and stops by me, his gaze flicking to look at the locker number I'm leaning on. He doesn't seem surprised.

"I'm glad that you're finally starting to realize that fact. Hey, I've gotta ask, what the fuck was that back there?"

I laugh weakly and shake my head, wiping away the loose tears. Lord, I've been crying a lot recently.

"It's a long story," I mutter.

"Good thing we still have eleven minutes left in our lunch break. Let's go outside," Griffin offers and starts to walk away, not giving me a choice.

I scoff and force myself to follow him out of an exit door that leads to a quiet courtyard. This space is typically used for the science wing so the teachers can have dangerous experiments outside where they won't risk their classroom. When class isn't in session, it's usually quiet out here unless you count the occasional stoner hiding from faculty.

A few weeks ago, Miles and I skipped our lunch break to sit on the retaining wall and talk about our years spent growing up. We shared a pizza lunchable and spent more time laughing than talking.

We sit in the same spot where Miles and I sat. That moment feels like it happened years ago.

"So?" Griffin prods, looking up at the grey sky.

I breathe in the fresh air. It's suffocating. "The same morning you called me, right after the homecoming party, I left to meet Miles. I don't want to tell you everything that happened, but... We came to an agreement. He felt the same way I did, and we agreed to take a relationship slow." I don't look at Griffin as I admit this, in fear that I'll get my ass beat.

Still, even when I pause, he doesn't say anything. I continue speaking, "It was fine the first few days, then I got into school and it felt impossible. Seriously, I think everybody knows my secret without me having to say or do anything. I can't stop thinking about what people will say, and because of that, I've been avoiding Miles entirely. He's been trying to coax me out of this bubble gently, but..." I fade and shrug helplessly, blinking back more tears. "I'm so worried. I want my two worlds, but I want them to stay separated."

Silence falls between us again, and I steal a look at Griffin. He's squinting at the sky in thought and it's impossible to tell what he's thinking with that damned poker face. I've got to admit; it's a major win that he's not bashing me about all of the gay stuff anymore.

"Yeah, so, was this current situation on your master plan that you told me that morning, too?" He asks, looking over at me.

I sneer and shove him hard before jumping off of the retaining wall. "You know what, Griffin? Fuck you. Here I thought that you've finally managed to change and grow up, and I was wrong," I snap at him and turn away, infuriated.

"Whoa now, Romeo! Take the fucking joke! It's too bad that your affair came down to this, but did I not warn you that you would need to choose one or the other?"

I pause and face him. Good to see that he wasn't inconvenienced enough by my outburst even to bother shifting from the spot he's sitting at.

"Maybe you did."

"You know that I said that shit. Don't deny it. Didn't I say something about owning this affair, too? Otherwise, people would jot you down as the weird closeted kid? Well, guess what, buddy!"

"Shove a sock in it. I know what happened," I grumble and shuffle back over. "I know that I messed this up.

"Mhm. If you were to ask me, I would say that you need to start listening to me more."

I shoot Griffin the stink-eye. "Good thing I didn't fucking ask."

"Only because you know that I'm always right." Griffin smirks, then gets serious again, leaning down towards me. "Look, if you want to do something about this shit, then you need to decide what you want. The Earth won't fly into a black hole if you tell everyone you're seeing Black Beauty."

"Don't call him that."

Griffin continues, unphased. "News flash Parker: no one is going to give two shits about you once we graduate. You're stuck in your head! This school and these people aren't going to be around forever, so why do you think that I treat people the way I do? I won't tiptoe around the idiots— I'll tell them that they're dumb and that I hate their ass. Because guess what? It won't matter."

I stare at him blankly for a moment, wondering if that was the best he could do for a monumental speech. Still, I understand where he's coming from.

"That's all easier said than done," I reply, looking away from him.

"Trust me. It's easy once you get over the mental stuff. Besides, I'll be real with you, man. You treated that kid like horseshit. I couldn't have brought him down any better myself!" Griffin exclaims and throws his hands dramatically.

Those words pierce my gut, bringing me back to ten minutes ago when I essentially told Miles that he was dead to me. That look in his eyes is engraved in my brain— the hurt, sadness, and rage.

That does it for me. I let out a sob and press my knuckles into my eyes harshly to try and hold it all in. My breathing comes out in short, loud bursts as I struggle not to crumble into a pool of grief.

Baffled, Griffin finally jumps down. "Hey now, okay, Christ dude," he grumbles in his way of showing comfort. "Okay, calm down. Stop that shit, would you?"

"He fucking hates me, Griffin! I embarrassed him in front of everyone! I tried calling him a million times, and it keeps going to voicemail. I looked for him and couldn't find him, he's probably going to do something dumb like drive drunk, and then he'll crash into a guard rail and get impaled and die, and then I'll forever—"

"Parker! Fuck! Alright!" Griffin barks, making me shut up from my sobbing ramble. "I get it, you're repulsive! What happened is done. It's over. You can't do anything but fix— Oh my god, is that a hickey?"

I freeze again, momentarily shocked out of my tears. In my sudden onslaught of emotion, I forgot to keep my hood pulled up. It has fallen down, showing off the reminder that, at one point, my relationship was stable.

"... I'm not answering that."

"Ugh, I don't want you to!" Griffin gags and acts out the motion of puking. "I cannot believe this shit. You were really horned up for that guy, huh?"

"Shut the hell up," I snap and wipe my eyes. I don't know if he meant to distract me from my sobbing or not, but it worked. It's good timing, too— the bell rings.

"Yeah, and you better pull that hood back up; otherwise you'll really be adding fuel to everyone's fire. Figure your shit out, bro." Griffin smacks my shoulder as he walks past me to go inside.

I exhale and follow him back into the school, as much as I don't want to. We go our separate ways without a word because there's nothing left to say.

I waste my time the rest of the school day texting Miles every fifteen, twenty minutes.

I've sent him over 30 messages by the time school lets out.

I bring my phone down to the field for football practice, texting him at every free moment.

I'm so desperate that I take the highway down to his side of town when I leave school. My instinctive memory kicks in, and I can find his house, but distress eats at my stomach when I don't see his car parked out front.

By the time I get home, I'm ruined. I can't fix this. I don't pass out until well after three in the morning.

Over fifteen failed calls and fifty unread messages sit vacant on my phone.