I'm not much for authority or ordering. I'm not confident in my word play. I don't really know how to talked with people, I have little experience with the outside world. I feel angry, all this frustration, it started from within. I can't say for sure where, or how. I feel that burning desire for my guts, sometimes I feel an intense feeling of rage towards me it's hard to say would I survive me. If I were holding the gun, would I choose the criminal or myself? I likely let him for a second chance. Why do I feel like I wronged me in such a qay I can't redeem? Why do I feel like the only reason I'm standing is because of you? Why do I feel? Why can't I feel? Why can't I feel, my inner love? Dwelling too long will drive only negativity, pushing it aside is not showing any reconsideration. For I, feel.., I do feel. I wonder can I change for me? At times I'm scare. Frighten of what I do if I were living without you. I pointlessly sprat anger out, I purposely take and ham my head, I can't see if I want to be saved, or just punish. Punish, for a feeling I can't understand. Punish for a feeling I don't know how to express. Do I truly loath myself, or is this hate something else? Why can't you, Ruby,..move on like you do for others. Why do these thoughts of if I'm worthy at all come back to mock me, for fearing me. Why do I seek to destroy me when I'm needed for so many things. Why can't I just accept me? I know it's wrong to dewlt to long, I know it's wrong to act it's perfect when it's not. I know just breath out and in and you'll be fine. Just think stupid and you might be fine. Just think it through clearly, why can't you be brave? I disliked this feeling. I don't understand my feelings of this feeling. Maybe one day I feel that I could change. But I want to change. But ..i want to change. Yet I can't find my voice to say it. Why can't I just want to save me. Why do I relish in my pained? Is it addicting to hurt myself? Is it blissful to curse myself? I'm suppose to be an adult in another year and I feel I at times I aren't nowhere near. I hadn't any idea, or single clue, what am I suppose to do... For now I draw, and write, and read, and recite, I try to improve my stories everyday, expect sunday. I watch my show here and there to relax and enjoy the humor. I know I'm not prepare. And yet I still yarn to try, but somewhere deep inside me a feeling stirring. A feeling of rage and fury, a feeling of desperation,  a feeling I'll come to over come. I'm sorry I'm torturing you. That I've taken so long to even notice you. I'm sorry I'm backstabbing you in the back after comgrating you about how happy you make me. I'm sorry I say allot of things. Bad things. Thinking bad things. And I'm sorry I rather take it out on you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but with every sorry I know it's not enough. I need help. To talked to people, but if you just pulled yourself together. If you were strong then you get over it. Just move on, just forget about it! Forget.. But you shouldn't for you'll forgrt every experience you've had to make you, but I'm still poundering.. Who are you? If you're me, why do I trigger easily and just go for the kill so sudden? Again I'm sorry. Me. I'm sorry I hurt you for something that I'm not even sure I know. Maybe someday soon I can change. I want to change. Hopefully fot better. Hopefully.

For, Ruby