Why am I misery? Why am I angry? Why do I feel violent? Why do I feel numb?

I feel misery yet all is well. Or so I tell myself. Maybe deep inside I am not well. Maybe deep inside my head, I feel clouded as clouded as the sky outside and as fill up that there's no space to breath.

I feel angry sometimes with little reason. Or maybe its because I had a reason. I just refuse to acknowledged. Maybe I'm just a angry person. But none is just angry. Which is why there is always a reason for something. Which is why there is always a reason inside us, we sometimes just don't understand it or are confuse so we get angry and frustrated.

I feel violent when I feel scatter. I feel dangerous when I am in conflict. I feel so many things that I don't give myself a chance to just feel peace. I supposed that's why I'm violent to. I may not even be wearing my own emotions.

Numb is a way to just let everything go. To know it'll pass, but because it hurt in the pass we become accustomed that it sorta just blend in them. It becomes a part of us. We're use to it. So why change it?

Such thoughts make me pounder, but the more I pounder, the more confuse, the more I feel. The more I question what it is I feel. When really feeling is just something you do with your heart not mind. Thoughts are feelings too, because they apparently make you feel a certain way. I feel something and then I don't. I wish to speak, but don't know the result. If I said what was on my mind. Then I feared I hurt allot of people. If I said nothing that was on my mind then I am consider a liar. But is it lying if I lied to protect someone else? Or is it lying if I spoke the truth and broke you just as I would on the inside? Does it make you happy to live for others or does it make you dulled because you don't know what to do when their gone? Does it hurt to smile when you don't want to? Or does it hurt when you frown and yoy want to smile? Is ut tiresome pretending? Everything will be okay when yoy aren't certain it is? Or is it positive thinking that makes you want to believe it'll be okay? I don't understand. And I don't want to understand cause if I did wouldn't it certainly hurt me? But if I did not understand then how myself could I exist. I have a hard time trusting myself cause well..I don't trust myself. But I want to trust myself. I'm scare. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm right? Sometimes I wish I could reset everything and just try again. But sometimes I don't get that chance. I don't get that feeling. I feel scare, because I am happy, but I'm not. I feel whole, yet I'm in the dark. I feel secure yet I'm not. I'm confuse, but with every new information I yearn for more for what I am unsure of. Why is that? I guess I will never understand. And that is okay. I think of I understood then I really would be broken because something's aren't meant to be understood. It's like if you understood how the world works, there would still be nothing you could do. So I suppose for now I will enjoy this good thought and good day. I will enjoy smiling because I am free. I am free to feel as I please. And even if I do not understand my feelings or am easily confuse or unsettle. I would like to enjoy what little peace I have in my head. For I know on my worst day it's chaotic and sometimes it's healthy to have a little bit of it, but too much of a bad or good thing isn't good. So I guess I'm healthy. I am still confuse, and still very well ruby. But that's okay.

It's better than being something she isn't. But then again maybe ruby isn't something she should be. Tell ruby if you have any thoughts on this hmm?