Reviewed by: Kalavatti

Book Title: Unchained - The Doppelganger Within

Genre: Thriller

Author's name: Dastanblades_writer

Chapters Reviewed: 5 Chapters

Cover: 7/10 The graphic is absolutely stunning but the major problem is with the presentation of the title. At first, I mistook your name as the book name. I suggest that you decrease the font size of your name and increase the font size of "Unchained" as it appears to be a subtitle at first. Apart from that, the title and author's name stand out nicely, though I wonder if a touch more contrast might make them pop even more.

Title: 10/10

Blurb/Description: 9/10 You start strong with an attention-grabbing hook for fans of thrillers and Marvel-style action. This draws readers in right away. Presenting Matt's dilemma right off the bat makes the narrative compelling. The question about facing his bully creates an immediate emotional connection. The stakes are clear with Matt's decision potentially affecting an entire city. Introducing Jacob as the antagonist and leader of the Cobra clan adds a layer of danger and tension. The idea of a Doppelgänger adds a supernatural twist that distinguishes your story from typical thrillers. This can intrigue readers who enjoy a mix of fantasy and action. Mentioning Matt's crew gives a sense of camaraderie and support, hinting at dynamic relationships and teamwork within the story.

Though your blurb is exceptionally well-written, I still feel it a bit lacking. Here are a few suggestions that'll help you improve it:

· Consider breaking the blurb into shorter, punchier sentences for better readability and impact.

· Maybe a tiny bit more about Matt's background or motivations would help deepen the emotional hook.

· Instead of explaining that Jacob is no longer just a bully, maybe hint at his evolution in a more mysterious way.

Time Interval between Chapter Updates: 7/10 Well, it's good to constantly update but you see, being too often isn't much good either, especially for thriller based stories. I saw that your first 7 chapters were updated on a single day. Well, I suppose updating 2-3 chapters on a single day and then updating one chapter or 2 chapters in a week would have been a much better strategy. This would have properly introduced the plot in the first 2 chapters and then created anticipation and allowed the cliffhangers to settle in the remaining chapters.

Releasing 7 chapters in one go might overwhelm readers and diminish the tension that builds with each release. Thrillers thrive on suspense and anticipation, and spreading out updates helps maintain that grip on your audience. Staggering the chapters allows each cliffhanger to settle in, keeping your readers excited and coming back for more.

Though what's done is done, I suggest that you do not repeat this again and maintain consistency in chapter updates.

Character Introduction
I felt that this chapter needed a separate review as it requires some changes unique to it.

Firstly, introducing all characters in a single chapter is basically info dump. I suggest you only introduce the Main Characters in it and introduce the rest of the characters as the story progresses. Though it might seem that not introducing thee characters before the main story starts would end up confusing the audience as you choose to not reveal the identity of the character in the story itself, but I suggest you could add brackets or maybe author notes before / after the chapter and introduce them there (it's only for the side characters or the characters with not so important role).

I suggest that you add small details about the characters so as to connect the readers with them. It doesn't need to be major details about them, small ones would do. Eg: Likes, dislikes, allergies, cute sides to them and so on. It should contain details that have the least chances to appear in the story. It will help create a bond between the readers and the characters. (Follow this suggestion only if you follow the first one or you'll end up creating a bigger info dump)

p.s. : You could use the second suggestion for side stories too :)

Plot and Flow: 16/20 The flow of the story is a bit uneven. I think the first chapter should start off with some real thrilling scenes or something and then have the background of the characters and other things, but so was not the case here. Somehow, the author decided to have emotional a lot of character development in the very first chapter. It seems that you are trying to convey something but are unable to express it. For example in the first chapter, the paragraph "Evan stared at him for a few seconds..."tries to convey something, but the message is kind of unclear, I didn't understand if it was a flashback or an analysis of the present. With such unclear paragraphs, it is difficult to grasp the plot.

Also, I suggest you first explain the situation to the readers. With the confusing dialogues it was difficult grasping what was happening. To build thriller, you first need the readers to know what exactly is happening.

The very first few chapters were not related to the time period of the story but were past events, I suggest that with the first few chapters, you start off with the main plot and then introduce the past events with a tint of mystery and suspense as flashbacks, or ass the protagonists come to know about it. You could also add them as side stories.

Character Development: 10/10 Character development is crucial in a thriller, as the emotional stakes and tension need to resonate with readers while driving the plot forward. In a thriller, characters often need to be dynamic and complex enough to fit within the high-stakes, suspense-filled world you're creating.

There was surprisingly some character development in the first chapter itself. The dialogues between the 2 rivals gives out a lot about their personalities. Yet again, there is a need to maintain suspense throughout the story, so you'll need to create a balance between the two. There was good character development in the other chapters too which established a connection with the reader and the characters.

Writing style, Grammar, spellings, etc.: 7/10

There were a few minor spelling and grammar mistakes here and there but overall, I couldn't find any major errors with grammar. The use of arrows (<< >>) instead of quotation marks (" ") to write dialogues was honestly a nice choice! They make it much easier to distinguish the dialogues from the main text than quotation marks. As for the writing style, I feel there is a need for improvement in that:

Ø The vocabulary and sentence structure, particularly how you describe the scenes, could benefit from some enhancement. For example, 4th paragraph of chapter 1 could be rephrased like this :

Noticing Johnny's approach, Ivan glanced at his men, silently conveying with a nod that everything was under control. He then pushed himself off the car and strode confidently toward his longtime adversary.

This is just an example of how this subtle change could enhance your story.

Apart from that, the dialogue deliver is astounding! The use of slangs gives a flicker of hint about their personalities too :)

Genre relevance: 10/10 The story successfully creates the perfect thriller atmosphere!

The beginning was captivating, setting the perfect tone for a thriller. Two black cars arrived, their occupants — men in suits, guns in hand — adding to the intensity. The entrance of the two clan leaders heightened the suspense, and everything came together seamlessly to establish the thriller atmosphere. The conversation about an unnamed project, coupled with the discussion of their growing tensions, was all brilliantly done, creating a sense of intrigue and excitement.

However, as soon as Ivan started speaking, the intense thriller atmosphere was disrupted. His use of slang and the way he carried himself while speaking revealed his personality too clearly, which took away from the suspense. To maintain the tension, I suggest keeping his dialogue more neutral at this point — without the slang — and saving his more sassy, irreverent side for later chapters, to show how much frustrated he was with the new project.. This would help preserve the thriller tone while still allowing his personality to shine through gradually.

As mentioned in the plot and flow para, you need some improvements in developing the thrill in the story.

Here are some key points I believe a thriller should have:

1. Thrillers need urgent, meaningful stakes. The protagonist might face death, betrayal, or loss. Whether it's saving lives, exposing secrets, or stopping a catastrophe, the stakes should be intense and clear.

2, The protagonist should have strong motivations, often rooted in something personal. Complex antagonists are equally important—villains with understandable motives can add depth and tension.

3. Keep readers hooked with twists, cliffhangers, and surprises. Short, tight scenes and constant tension push the story forward at a brisk pace.

4. Hold back information, make characters keep secrets, and reveal truths slowly. This mystery layer keeps readers guessing and trying to solve the puzzle themselves.

5. Use descriptive writing to create a sense of dread or foreboding. Locations, weather, and lighting all contribute to the ominous mood—abandoned buildings, dimly lit streets, or quiet rural areas.

6. A thriller doesn't give characters a break. Constant threats, physical or psychological, from a powerful antagonist, drive the sense of danger.

7. Plant clues and twists that lead readers down the wrong path. Well-placed red herrings make the true threat or twist even more shocking.

8. - Protagonists often find themselves isolated or misunderstood, which adds vulnerability and heightens suspense.

9. The climax should be a thrilling culmination of all tension, secrets, and stakes. It's often fast, intense, and leaves readers breathless.

10. In thrillers, it's common to end with a final twist or lingering question, leaving readers with something to think about or shocked by a last revelation.

Since it's just the beginning of the story, I cannot say much about it. That's why, I have enlisted all these points so that you can match them with how you wish to present your story further.

Overall: 90/100 Overall, Unchained has laid a solid foundation in creating a gripping thriller atmosphere, complete with urgent stakes, complex characters, and hints of mystery. With some adjustments to pacing, plot structure, and characterization, it has the potential to be a captivating, edge-of-the-seat read. For the ongoing story, keeping these thriller essentials—like pacing, suspense, and well-timed reveals—at the forefront will be essential in crafting a fully immersive experience.

Suggestions- This is just a summary of all the suggestions made throughout the review:

1) Improve the book cover.

2) Improvement in the blurb.

3) Consistency in chapter updates

4) Improvement in the Character introduction.

5) Improvement in grammar and writing style.

6) Improvement in the pacing.

Remember, it's YOUR story, you need not follow these if you do not agree to my suggestions. 

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Please get in touch with your reviewer if you have any questions! Thank you for working with us! We hope these comments will help you improve your story and give you a sense of achievement for writing such a wonderful story.

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