Reviewed by: ChristineAcedon

Book Title: Love Mystery

Author's Name: Afrojarose15

Cover: 9/10

I think the font that you use for the title of the book is great and I like it a lot. I'd prefer to see it a bit higher up on the book so that it's one of the first things you see instead of the author's name, but this is my personal opinion. As this is a fanfiction, having the two characters on the front cover isn't a bad thing and I like the picture you use of them.

Title: 8/10

The title is a little bit too on-point for me. It's a mystery with romance intertwined, hence the title, but I feel that the title could have a bit more depth to it. Dig a bit deeper. Sometimes titles aren't all that easy to come up with and you really have to sit on it.

On the other hand, it goes well with the tag line you have underneath, "Love is the biggest mystery" and I really enjoy that. All in all, this is only my personal opinion and it isn't a bad title, I just don't feel that it is the best one either.

Blurb/Description: 6/10

You lay everything out in the description and give the reader no real chance to form their own opinion of First and his ties to Khao's investigation. You do a good job of introducing your main character, but I would have preferred a bit more mystery in regards to his feelings for First. I wanted to read the story and watch how they interacted; see the charm he saw. Get a feel for the two men and their feelings for one another. Really, the only mystery left is the case.

Creativity and originality: 10/10

I love the story concept; the mystery and the intrigue. I'm a fan of a good mystery, especially when it goes hand in hand with a bit of romance. Khao is clearly good at what he does and he loves his job. I want to read more, and I want to watch everything as it plays out.

Plot and Flow: 15/20

In chapter one, we see Khao being given the case for the story and we see his first impression of First. You were very detailed in the beginning scene; portraying a dark and foreboding moment between Khao and the other officer which effectively set us up for a bit of a creepy feel regarding their interaction.

I was excited to see how things would begin to play out between Khao and First, and was disappointed when, at the beginning of chapter two, a month had gone by and we completely missed out on the beginning foundation of that relationship. It would've been nice to get a little bit more time with just the two of them without that time going by in order to start getting a feel for First and his intentions.

Things seem to be moving quickly, and that may be because of the month that already passed, however, I would like to see it slowed down. These meetings between First and Khao become more frequent, however they both go about it without offering any real insight into their own worlds. I don't expect them to spill their life stories with one another right off of the bad, but honestly, for me, it seems like one really bad date. Too awkward to talk about anything deep, left with only more confusion and uncertainty. All they seem to have is that spark they both felt, but without anything solid to build from.

Character Development: 15/20

Going off of what I said regarding plot and flow; we're beginning to see more in regard to character development and individual personality (more for Khao than anyone, and please keep and mind I've only read 5 chapters for this so have limited insight). There is a personal history that he briefly mentions and there are personal feelings he begins to share when we're in his point of view, but overall we're seeing a very small and shallow section of his personality.

We don't get much of anything from First as he's very closed off and private. I'd really like to see more of him so that the readers have the opportunity to form an opinion of him and his involvement in the case outside of Khao's opinion.

Writing style: 8/10

You put so much effort into describing everything from the setting to the thoughts and feelings of your characters. You set the scene and you allow see this world that your characters are living in. My major critique is, again, the wording. Sometimes your phrasing is just a bit broken and hard to follow. While the reader may get the jist of what you're trying to portray, the flow is fractured with it and could be a bit smoother.

Grammar, spellings, etc.: 6/10

There are a number of grammatical errors specifically when it comes to dialogue. Some things to keep in mind when handling dialogue between characters:

- Each new person speaking should get their own paragraph.

- When speaking, if the sentence should end with a '.' there should be a comma instead IF you add who is speaking. For example;

o "I let the dog out this morning before I left for work," Shay informed him.

- When speaking, if you introduce who is talking before the dialogue, there should be a comma before the quotations. For example;

o Peter replied, "Well he still peed in the kitchen. I had to clean it up and we were out of paper towels."

There are also a few places throughout the story where the wording just didn't flow naturally, if that makes sense. An example of this would be 'The man answered, gulping down his saliva as he noticed Khao staring the soul out of him' A better way to phrase this might be to say, 'Feeling as though Khao was staring into his soul'.

Overall: 77/100

I think your story has quite a bit of potential and I love Khao as the main character. The dynamic between Khao and First is complicated given the situation they find themselves in, and you have your readers on the edge of their seats, waiting to find out if First can be trusted, or maybe even if Khao will choose love over duty.

I think that the majority of the trouble I found throughout your first five chapters could easily be fixed with some thorough editing. Nothing is perfect in the first, second, or even third go-round. Writing is forever a work in progress. You may consider finding someone to edit for you to gain a secondary perspective, or you could read your work aloud to yourself. Sometimes when you read it out loud, you can catch things you may not have caught when you were reading through it silently.

I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future!

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