Reviewed by: CroodsGirl

Book Title: Hero Book 1: Journey to the East

Author's name: Thewbs

Title: 4/5

Cover: 5/5

Blurb: 7/10

Plot: 5/10

Grammar/Vocabulary: 17/20

Writing Craft: 15/20

Characters: 15/20

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

Total: 75/100

Review:

The main issue with this story is flow. You squeeze a lot into the chapters, illustrated by the constant page breaks. This is especially present in the first chapter, which feels like five chapters squeezed into one. My advice is to slow down and make this book longer. You have an enormous, beautifully crafted world here, but the flow takes away the enjoyment to let that world sink in. I wish I could give you a perfect Plot and Writing Craft score, but I can't be biased.

Likewise, the book's first few paragraphs, where you toss out a little too much info-dumping, can be taken out. Remember to "show" the world, not "tell" it. I suggest that you cut "Earth is just one big, awful hell" to "But there are no certainties" and start with "Life is hard. Despite everything, though, today is fantastic". From there, you'll jump straight into the showing, and you can build on the world once you slow your pace.

Another area where you "tell" and not "show" is when the Freaks confront Hero and his family in Chapter 3. You explain that Hero is scared; you don't show it to us. Ask yourself, "How can I show that Hero is scared?" When it comes to emotions, I use an Emotional Thesaurus, and I believe it will help you as you continue to work on this piece.

Regardless of this book's flaws, it's a promising piece—I understand why it was chosen as Book of the Month for @action—with fantastic world-building, great characters, and better grammar from other books I've reviewed, with a few misplaced commas here and there. I want to learn more about these Freaks and Hero's journey with the notorious Falcon as they search for Eden. Speaking of which, is Eden a reference to the Garden of Eden from the Bible story? Just wondering.

Oh, and this is a little nitpicky, but with sounds in stories, such as the gunshots' bangs, you usually want to italicize them. And again, you tend to info-dump. I would have loved to see Hero and Flash's journey after their families are killed. From where the story stands now, it can be broken up into two Seasons for better flow. The journey will be long, but you should consider expanding this beautiful book.

⬦⬥

Please get in touch with your reviewer if you have any questions! Thank you for working with us! We hope these comments will help you improve your story and give you a sense of achievement for writing such a wonderful story.

⬦⬥