Reviewed by: ChristineAcedon

Book Title: First Actions

Author's Name: animahez 

Cover: 5/10

The title sits lays over the face of the person in the background of the cover in a way that both makes the image difficult to see as well as detracts from the title. I would recommend moving the title to a location that isn't covering the face, or if the face isn't important, possibly making the title non-transparent so that it isn't even visible. I would also recommend adding in a wider variety of colors as the blue is a bit overpowering (and I love the color blue as well).

Title: 7/10

I think that you have a title that works with your story, but I don't necessarily believe that it stands out the way the story itself does. It wouldn't be a bad idea to mull it over as you continue with your story. If something comes to mind that is as unique as the story itself, awesome. If not, your title is just fine.

Blurb/Description: 6/10

I'd like to see a bit more detail regarding the global disaster that caused Bothyner World to be created, as well as possibly more information in regards to why the world turns into an entirely new world. I would also focus on the conflict and stakes for Lyos and Garuvy in the present as well as offering a brief glimpse into the history of the world you've created.

Creativity and originality: 10/10

There is so much going on throughout the world that you've created with this story. There is no lack of creativity and originality with your work. I'd love to hear how you came up with your ideas.

Plot and Flow: 16/20

I go into more detail in the next two categories when it comes to points of potential improvement for your story. Your writing style goes a long way when it comes to the flow of a story. With improvements on that and the character development, I believe you would be able to see a huge difference in the way that the story flows.

Right now, you rely heavily on dialogue and short paragraphs throughout the story. Pacing doesn't seem to be an issue; you time your story well.

Character Development: 15/20

A piece of advice I was given not too long ago when it came to my own writing is: show, don't tell. Show me the scene, show me through actions. As you establish and build your characters for your audience, instead of saying; "Mark is thirty years old with a lime green mohawk. He was very angry to find out what had happened to his sister." Try showing it; "As Mark paced back and forth, hands fisted tightly at his side, muttering furiously under his breath in a way that had mothers pulling their children to the opposite wall of the hospital hallway, eyeing him warily as we waited for news of his sister. I wondered absently just how much gel or hairspray it took to ensure that mohawk of his didn't move even a centimeter as he paced. Did one work better over the other? Did it take away any of the sheen from how brightly the lime green hairs shone through?"

Most of the information you give regarding your characters is told before it is shown, if it is shown at all.

Writing style: 6/10

You've obviously put a lot of thought into your story, but when you narrate, it comes across more like you are trying to relay information than that you are trying to tell a story. Story building needs to build a world and draw your audience in, in a way that will both capture and retain their interest. Look at the two examples below:

"He walked in at 2:36 in the afternoon. He walked into the kitchen and set his briefcase down with a sigh. Shelly filled a glass with water and held it out."

"Shelly was elbow deep in a sink filled with dishes when she heard him coming through the front door. Glancing over at the stove, she was surprised to find that the time flashed 2:36. He was early. He stepped through the doorway with a heavy sigh and set his briefcase down on the counter. Drying her arms on the front of her shirt, she reached for a glass and filled it with water before holding it out to him."

The first example and the second example both offer the same information (although the second may be a bit more detailed) however in the first example, the narrator relays the facts. In the second example, you can get a clearer picture of the scene and the people involved.

When you're telling us your story, think about what parts of a story draws you in and remember that although you may be able to picture what is going on throughout the story perfectly, you are the one writing it. Try to determine if someone who isn't in your head has the same amount of information to picture everything the same way.

Grammar, spellings, etc.: 4/10

There are quite a few grammatical errors throughout the story that make it difficult to follow the story. I highly recommend looking into having someone help with the editing and proofing in order to improve the readability as well as the flow of the story. Some of the most prominent issues I noticed are:

· Dialogue- incorrect punctuation being using during this.

· Incorrect word usage, for example: 'energy called as Bothyner...' should read as 'energy called Bothyner...'

· Ellipsis use should be used sparingly throughout writing, however you seem to rely on them heavily. I would take a look at your work and try to determine when and where it is absolutely necessary. Like commas and italicized words, using it too much can take away from the emphasis using it does.

Overall: 69/100

You've infused your story with so many ideas and so much creativity. The world that you've created is interesting, and the fact that you start the story with the second lead is also an interesting change of pace. There is a lot of potential for your story. I believe that with some adjustments, you could read an even larger audience.

Thank you for allowing the opportunity to check out your work!