The worst part of getting close to someone is that part when you have to miss them.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN | LITTLE BY LITTLE

STAS

I was sitting in front of my desk and just looking at my laptop monitor. I was looking at the cctv feeds from Sofia's unit. After our breakfast, which I really did enjoy, I went directly to my penthouse. I should be doing something. Reading the reports that Patek left on my table. But instead, I was just sitting here and staring at Sofia doing her daily routine inside her unit.

She was cleaning her place. Washing the dishes that we used earlier when I had breakfast with her. I smiled while still looking at her. That was the first time I had breakfast with someone. The first time I made an effort to have breakfast with someone. Imagine going to her place and prepared that breakfast for her? Natawa ako. Kapag nalaman iyon ni Patek siguradong walang tigil na naman sa kakatawa ang isang iyon.

But after what happened last night, I thought I needed to pay her a visit. To check on her if she was okay. And it was something that I needed to do to know her little by little.

But what I knew about her was something big.

I didn't have sex with any men. I am a fucking virgin!

Nanatiling nakasunod ang tingin ko sa kanya habang paulit-ulit iyon sa isip ko. Wala sa loob na napangiti ako at napailing-iling. I am impressed. At her age to be still a virgin? That was rare nowadays. And considering that she lived in the States for so long.

Sumandal ako sa kinauupuan ko habang nanatiling nakatingin sa ginagawa ni Sofia. Parang gusto kong bumalik na lang ulit sa unit niya at doon magtambay. I found her cute every time she was getting mad at me. And she was really pissed when she learned that I was investigating about her past. About her ex-boyfriends. Alam ko naman ang mga detalye ng mga iyon. Patek was reliable. Wala pa itong sumasablay na trabaho sa akin. Kahit imposible ay kayang-kayang gawin. I knew that Isaac Anthony was her fling. Patek already called her previous workplace. Investigated, asked all about Sofia's past.

I moved and exited the cctv feed in my monitor. Now, I was browsing the website of her previous job. I clicked the website that Patek gave me. It was Sofia's very own website. And now I knew that she was into photography. She was a professional photographer.

I started to browse her works and... wow. Inilapit ko pa ang laptop ko sa akin para lalong makita ang mga photo shoots niya. She was a good photographer. She has an eye for things. She knew how to angle, how to take shots at the right moment. She knew how to capture her subject's personality. She was like Annie Leibovitz. The celebrated American photographer best known for her engaging and dramatic celebrity portraits.

Included in her portfolio was mostly from runway shoots. Faces of models. Nagsu-shoot din siya para sa mga magazines and vlogs. Tinitingnan ko pa ang ibang mga albums doon at napangiti ako nang makita ko ang iba't-ibang mga subjects niya. Nature. Kids. Napakaraming litrato ng mga bata. Was she a kid person? Especially those in the orphanage and in the streets. Marami siyang mga kuha noon. Mga kung ano-anong random pictures. Hanggang sa makarating ako sa dulong album na ang title ay 'Inferno'.

I clicked it and there were several photos of fire in there. Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko at nakatitig lang sa mga litratong naroon. Nagngangalit na mga apoy na pumupuno sa buong litrato. Mga nasusunog na bahay, forest fire, nasusunog na kotse, nasusunog na mga kung ano-anong bagay.

Pakiramdam ko ay ibinalik ako twenty years ago kung saan nakatitig lang ako sa nagngangalit na apoy na lumulukob sa napakaraming bahayan na sinunog ko. Ang mga kabahayan na natupok para pinagtirikan ng hotel na ito. I closed my eyes and I can hear that voice. A child's voice calling her parents. Nanay and Tatay. The fire was too hot. I felt it was burning my skin. I couldn't breathe. But I had to help her. I had to take her away from this inferno.

I was looking for her. Where the hell was she? We needed to get away from this flames. We will both get burned here.

Then I saw her. I was trying to reach out for her. But the more I was trying to get her hand, the more I was pulling away from her. I was resisting from those entities that was trying to get hold of me.

"Take my fucking hand," I was trying so hard to reach her until she took my hand. She was squeezing it tightly. And when I was about to run, I couldn't take her. She was not following me. I looked at her and she was looking back at me. Her eyes were staring at me burning with anger.

"Pinatay mo sila. Pinatay mo kaming lahat."

I was trying to let her go but her grip was too tight. She didn't want to let go. It was hurting me. Burning me.

"Stas."

Doon ako napadilat ng mata at nakita ko si Patek na takang nakatingin sa akin. Napatingin ako sa mga kamay ko at nakita kong ang isang kamay ko ang nakadiin sa kanang kamay ko kung saan naroon ang isang malaking peklat gawa ng sunog na iyon twenty years ago.

Agad akong umayos ng upo at ini-exit ang tinitingnan kong website. "You need something?" Iyon na lang ang naitanong ko kay Patek.

Naupo siya sa harapan ko at nanatiling nakatingin sa akin.

"What?" tanong ko pa sa kanya habang ngayon ay pilit kong inaabala ang sarili ko sa pagtitingin ng mga papel sa harap ko kahit wala naman akong pakialam sa mga ito.

"Are you okay?" concern na tanong niya.

"Yeah, I am." Pinilit ko pang ngumiti sa kanya. "These are good reports. At least wala ng problema sa mga cargos natin. Nadagdagan ba?"

Tumango si Patek. "Thirty percent. And good thing Dmitri is not acting an ass. Tahimik ang grupo niya."

"Huwag tayong magpaka-kampante. We know that Dmitri is a traitor." Ngayon ay binuksan ko ang laptop ko at tiningnan ang cctv feed ni Sofia. Ngayon ay nakaupo siya sa sala niya. Nagbabasa ng libro habang umiinom sa hawak na mug.

"She doesn't have any plans today?" tanong ko kay Patek.

Umangat ang kilay niya sa akin. "Why are you asking me? You are the fiancé."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "But you are the bodyguard."

Napabuga ng hangin si Patek at napailing-iling tapos ay napakamot ng ulo.

"Can you give me another job? Anything. Let me kill someone or if you want me to castrate someone I will do it." Padaing na sabi niya. "But Stas, come on. I have so many things to do. Kung gusto mong lahat ng mga nakilala niya hanapin ko iyon na lang ang gagawin ko. Ikaw ang dapat na lagi niyang kasama para mas lalo kayong maging close."

Muli ay sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at tiningnan si Sofia mula sa monitor na nagbabasa pa rin.

"Why don't you date her tonight? Bring her somewhere. Surprise her. Just like you do to your women." Suhestiyon niya.

"Sofia is not like any women." Tonong nagpapaalala ako sa kanya. "But I have that in mind. I was thinking of inviting her to have a dinner with my mom tonight."

Lumapad ang ngiti ni Patek. Halatang natuwa sa sinabi ko.

"That is the best idea that you told me." Nakangiting sabi niya.

"What about Jaime? What happened to him?"

Doon sumeryoso ng mukha si Patek. "He survived but the doctors wasn't able to fix his..." napakamot ng ulo si Patek at napangiwi. "Let's just say he is minus two balls in his body now."

Wala akong naramdamang awa at tumingin na lang sa laptop ko. Ngayon ay hindi na nagbabasa si Sofia. Nakaupo siya sa sofa at sa harap niya ay may isang maliit na maleta. Binuksan niya iyon at nakita kong mga camera ang inilalabas niya. Mga partes at nakita kong sinimulan niyang linisin ang mga iyon. She looked so cool when she put the lens of the camera into her eyes and tried to shoot on to something.

I remembered what Jaime tried to do to Sofia last night. Jaime deserved what I did to him. At least Sofia was already free from his harassment and he will never bother her again.

"Where is Jaime now?" Nanatili kong pinapanood sa ginagawa ni si Sofia.

"In Batangas. In one of our docking stations. He cannot go out there. Bantay-sarado siya doon."

"What about Uncle Rom? Does he know what we did to his son?"

"There is no word yet from the rehabilitation center. But I already talked to the director and instructed them to tell your uncle that they transferred Jaime to a safer location because of his condition. I already got it. I cleaned your mess."

"Good," tanging sagot ko at nanatiling nakatingin kay Sofia. "Do you know what is the most expensive camera these days?"

Tumaas ang kilay ni Patek. "Camera? Why?"

"Nothing. Purchase me one. 'Yong pinakamagandang quality. I remember I have an invitation from Sisters of Elizabeth Orphanage tomorrow. It's their annual charity gala."

"Okay." Hitsurang naguguluhan si Patek. "Alam ko naayos na 'yan. Nakapagbigay na ng donation sa kanila. Don't tell me you're going?"

Tumingin ako kay Sofia sa monitor at tumingin kay Patek. "I might."

Gulat na tumingin sa akin si Patek. "Are you high?" Nabiglang sabi niya. "I thought you hate drugs."

"What? What's wrong with what I said?" taka ko.

"Stas, you never go to that kind of invitation. Lahat ng mga foundations na humihingi ng tulong sa iyo ay pinapadalhan mo lang ng pera. You never go personally to that kind of place unless may mga magagandang babae at may mga deals kang mapapala. Wala kang deals na makukuha sa ganitong lugar."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "Masama bang makita ko kung saan napupunta ang mga ibinibigay kong donations? Call the orphanage and tell them I am going and I'll have a plus one."

Napakamot ng ulo si Patek. "I have a meeting tomorrow for the buyer of AK's. I can't go with you."

"Who said I am going to bring you? Buy the camera, wrapped it nicely."

Napapailing na lang si Patek at tumayo na. "You're something these days." Tapos ay unti-unting napapangiti. "I think you are getting soft. No," saglit siyang nag-isip. "Someone is making you soft."

"Get the fuck out and buy me that camera." Utos ko sa kanya at sinamaan ko siya ng tingin para umalis na siya.

Tumawa lang si Patek at tinungo na ang elevator pero hindi agad sumakay sa bumukas na pinto.

"But I like it. I like that you're getting loose. Look at you. Cool na cool ang attire mo ngayon. Not your usual business like look. And I've heard that you went somewhere earlier without a bodyguard."

Alam kong nang-iinis pa rin si Patek. "Get the fuck out and get me that damn camera or I will castrate you like Jaime."

Tumawa lang siya at sumakay na sa elevator.

"Trust me. I like you more now. You are smiling." Sabi pa niya habang pasara ang pinto ng elevator.

Wala sa loob na napahawak ako sa mukha ko at doon ko nga na-realize na nakangiti nga ako. Agad akong sumeryoso ng mukha at muling tiningnan kung ano ang ginagawa ni Sofia. This time ay kalas-kalas na ang camera niya at talagang nililinis niya ang mga iyon isa-isa.

Biglang bumukas ang elevator at si Ilyenna naman ang pumasok doon. Agad kong isinara ang laptop ko at nagtatanong na tumingin sa kanya. Kita ko ang pagtataka sa mukha niya siguro ay dahil sa suot ko.

"What are you wearing?" Taka niya.

Tumingin ako sa sarili ko. "Clothes." Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa mga papel sa harap ko.

"I know but what are those clothes? You have a meeting today. We will meet those buyers for your next shipment. And you are wearing shorts and polo?"

"What's wrong with my attire? I don't see anything wrong with this." Nagsisimula na akong maasar kay Ilyenna. Bakit ba pati ang suot ko ay pinapakialaman niya? Sofia didn't mind that I went to her place wearing this. I think she liked this.

Halatang pinigil na lang niya ang mainis at lumapit sa akin.

"So, your dad told me to facilitate your wedding." Umirap pa siya nang sabihin iyon. "I talked to wedding coordinators and we found a venue, the caterers, the..."

"I don't want a big wedding. And I am sure Sofia will agree with me. Let's have it like last night. Walang masyadong tao. Sofia doesn't like huge crowds. Hindi pa siya sanay."

Napaikot ang mata ni Ilyenna. "Kailangan na niyang masanay. And a big wedding is a good thing, Stas. People need to know that you are getting married."

"They will know it soon. I want Sofia's identity to be hidden for now. I don't want the media to know about her yet. I am protecting her privacy."

"Iyan nga ang sinasabi ko sa iyo. Bakit ka magpapakasal sa babaeng hindi naman alam ang mundo mo? I am sure that she is just going to sabotaged your career. Ngayon pa lang nakikita ko na. Sa mga arte niya," hindi na niya maitago ang inis. "Halatang-halata naman na nagpapapansin lang siya sa iyo."

Tumango-tango ako. "Yeah. Just like you always do."

Namula ang mukha ni Ilyenna at tumingin ng masama sa akin.

"I am just protecting you." Napahinga siya ng malalim. "Anyway, the wedding will happen in less than a week. Next Saturday. If you don't want a big wedding, fine. Where do you plan to do it?"

"Sa bahay pa rin nila mommy. I want my mom to be there and see me tying the knot."

"All right, I'll tell the coordinators about it. The dress. I think Sofia will look elegant if she wear something like a mermaid cut wedding gown. I saw in a magazine and I already talk to Nancy about the wedding dress that..."

"I let Sofia choose her own wedding dress." Putol ko sa sinasabi niya. "It's her wedding."

"But she might sabotage it again. Just like what she did with your ring. Mapapahiya ka sa mga bisita." Tonong nagpapaalala si Ilyenna.

"She didn't sabotage last night's engagement party." Sagot ko.

Napikon na yata si Ilyenna at tuluyan nang lumapit sa akin.

"What is wrong with you, Stas? You don't know that woman. Are you trusting her? Believe me, I have a feeling that she is hiding something big from you. That she is going to do something to ruin you."

"Let's see. For now, I don't see anything that she's going to do something against me. She is just being a good daughter that is following what her father wanted." Napahinga ako ng malalim. "Let it go, Ilyenna. I am thankful that you are worried about me, I am thankful that you are concern but I think there is nothing to be concerned with Sofia. Kung mayroon man siyang itinatago sa akin, I am sure I will know it. Even her darkest secret."

Inirapan na lang niya ako at huminga siya ng malalim. "Fine. Just wear something nice. We will have a meeting in a while." Pagkasabi niya noon ay tinalikuran na niya ako at sumakay na sa elevator.

Muli kong binuksan ang laptop ko at muling tiningnan ang cctv feed sa unit ni Sofia. Ngayon ay inililigpit na niya ang camera niya. Tumayo siya at pumasok sa silid. Paglabas niya doon ay napatitig ako sa monitor sa nakitang suot niya.

She was just wearing black panties and white sando. Palakad-lakad siya ng ganoon sa loob ng unit niya. Napabuga ako ng hangin dahil pakiramdam ko ay nanuyot ang lalamunan ko habang nakatingin sa ginagawa niya. Naalala ko pa ang sinabi niya kanina.

I am a fucking virgin.

Fuck. I moved a bit when I felt my cock surged inside my boxers. My dirty mind started to play tricks inside my head. Thinking about how she would be like on our wedding night. I got excited thinking that I'll be the first man who would take her.

I'll be her first and definitely...

I will be her last.