James had a child.

A sweet little thing with eyes greener than any garden and hair as black as the night.

James had a child and now the bourgeoisie wonders how the Potters will deal with the shame, because James had a child with no one else than the stable girl and this was not planned.

James was supposed to take his father's company, he was supposed to marry a French girl, like Adélaïde. He was supposed to lead the life his parents had written down for him.

Fleamont Potter hadn't shouted, Euphemia Potter didn't cry.

On the contrary, they had been so happy. They had been so proud of their son and their grandchild because nothing meant more to them than James' happiness.

Not even their reputation.

Sirius knows it would not have been the case for him, he knows how it would have ended if he had been the one with a bastard child and a stable girl.

But once again, the Potters were better than the Blacks, nothing could change that.

When James came to see Sirius with Harry in his arms and Lily by his side, a smile so beautiful on his face and a question so sweet on his lips, all Sirius could do was cry.

"Would you be his godfather? I know your family might not agree, but I really want you to be part of his life."

And of course, Sirius said yes, he said yes without thinking of the consequences because this was James, his brother from another mother and he could never say no.

When Lily slowly caressed Sirius' cheek, telling him how good he would be for Harry, how happy it made her, Sirius sobbed softly. For once in his life he felt like he was worth something, like he was important.

Then Remus came to meet the child, his large hands holding the small figure of Harry with so much love and affection, Sirius truly believed he would faint.

Because this is what he wanted for the rest of his miserable life.

He wants to wake up next to Remus Lupin and eat breakfast with him, he wants to take him out, hold his hand and kiss him without fearing for their lives. He wants Remus to hold their child like this, he wants his own son or daughter to cherish.

They don't have to be his blood, they don't have to look like him at all.

If he could have a child, any child, black or white, girl or boy, with Remus Lupin, nothing else would matter. Nothing in the world would mean more than parenthood with Remus.

His thoughts and dreams were broken by the apparition of his mother, a wicked frown plastered on her face as she asked James to leave her propriety with his bastard son and whore.

James glared, he told her that Lily was not a whore because they are engaged and that he has every right to come see his best friend, his son's godfather.

Walburga didn't answer, she just grabbed Sirius' arm and led him away from what she must think is an abomination.

"You will never see him again, understood? We can't have people believe you accept such infamy when you are about to be wed."

And it's true, in less than two months, Sirius will be married to Adélaïde for the rest of his life. In less than two months he will have to make love to her and the simple idea of it makes him nauseous. In less than two months, his story with Remus will be just that, a story.

He feels himself breaking when he sees Remus saying goodbye to James and Lily, his long fingers tracing a circle on Harry's chubby cheek.

Don't say goodbye, don't leave me, don't let me leave you.

He doesn't want this, he cannot do this, he wants to tear his own skin apart. The two months went so fast, it feels like yesterday was the day he met Harry, yesterday he still kissed Remus goodnight, yesterday he still wanted to live.

Tomorrow he will be married to a woman he doesn't love, he will make his family proud and crush his heart in the process. He cannot breath, he feels his breath and his dreams fade. This will kill him, he cannot do this, he physically cannot do this.

He needs to talk to Adélaïde, maybe she'll understand, she's always been so kind to him, so accepting, he needs to at least try to get out of this Hell.

Adélaïde is sat at her vanity, her fingers brushing her long brown hair with grace, Sirius swears that he could have loved her, if things had been different, she would have been the only woman in his life.

But he never wanted any woman, he wanted Remus Lupin.

"Adélaïde, I am sorry to bother you so late but I need to speak to you." He says as she looks at him through her mirror.

"Sirius, mon cher, you're not supposed to see me before the wedding, you know that." She giggles, turning her head to face her soon to be husband.

"I know, of course I know, but Adélaïde we cannot do this." He breathes hysterically. "You and I both know that we respect each other, but we're not in love."

Her beautiful face is turning darker by the second.

"This is not about love, Sirius." She answers. "This is about what we should do, what is right for our families."

"Aren't you tired to live for them and not for yourself?" He cries out, the disappointed face of his mother dancing behind his eyelids. "Don't you want to feel passion? Love? Lust? I'll never be able to give you any of that!"

They stared at each other for a few minutes, both understanding what this meant for them, for their arrangement.

"You cannot do this to me now." Whispered Adélaïde, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. "I knew you would do this, I knew this would happen. You cannot control yourself."

"What are you talking about?"

"I am talking about you and your vile esquire's secret love affair." She spat, beauty forever gone leaving only pure hatred.

Sirius feels his blood freeze in his veins, his heart has stopped in his chest, he's almost sure he's dead. Adélaïde stood up, they are almost the same height, but right now Sirius feels very small.

"I saw you two kissing and moaning like dogs in heat almost six years ago. I was so surprised, so repulsed  by it. It was revolting and I wanted to scream so loud, to kill you both on the spot for shaming me like this, but I didn't say anything." She said, her hair now falling on her frail shoulders, her eyes as cold as ice. "I thought this was just lust, I thought you just needed a hole to fuck and I thought that it would be better if it was a boy because I wouldn't have to bear some bastard children but no, you had to fall in love, you stupid sodomite."

Sirius wants to die, he wants to drive a dagger through his heart and bleed out on Adélaïde's wooden floor.

"I never told anyone Sirius' and for both of our honor, I will never speak a word of it. But I refuse to let you break everything I fought for because you love a slut."

This cannot be real, this is a nightmare, this is everything Sirius ever feared and more. He looks at Adélaïde, really looks at her and he doesn't understand how she fooled him for so long. Has she always looked at him with so much loathing and revulsion? Or was he blinded by his affection for, by his guilt?

"Now listen to me carefully. I am going to kiss you and go to sleep because I need to look stunning tomorrow and you, mon cher mari, you will go see your esquire and you will break his pitiful heart."

Sirius lets out broken howl.

"I can't, Adélaïde, I can't, I love him."

She grabs his face between her hands, pressing her lips to his and he feels violated, he feels dirty and tainted.

"You can and you will. He needs to leave, Sirius, I don't want to ever see him again. Not when I know you could ruin our lives just for a night with him. You're going to break his heart, you're going to make him cry and drive him far away from us, because if you don't I will tell everything to your mother, I will tell everything to your father and I will tell everything to your brother."

Sirius loves Regulus, he loves him so much and she knows it, she's using it. She knows what will happen to the youngest Black if the heir is considered too heinous to rule his parents' fortune.

Adélaïde is threatening him, she could destroy his life, she could destroy Regulus' life, she could destroy Remus' life. Sirius cannot let that happen.

She wants him to break Remus' heart, it's the only thing she asks,the only thing that will keep both Regulus and Remus safe.

He doesn't remember what he truly said to Remus, it must have been about their differences, something about how Remus never deserved him, how awful he had been in bed, how much Sirius hated him.

He knew all of Remus' insecurities, he knew all about his fears, his dreams. He knows what to use to break Remus' trust completely.

"You don't mean any of it, Sirius, stop. I know you, I've known you for so long. This isn't you." Remus is not angry, he just looks so sad, so tired.

Sirius wants to kiss him, he wants to wrap him in his arms and never let go.

"No, you don't know me, you never knew me."

"Sirius, stop. Whatever this is, we'll find a solution, I'll help."

Remus has never looked more beautiful before, his longs eyelashes covered in tears, his pale skin glowing in the moonlight.

"This is not something you can fix, Remus. I want you to leave and never come back."

Remus is holding him now, their hearts are beating as one and Sirius cannot let himself slip, he cannot break now.

"Sirius, I love you. I love you so much. I don't care about your wedding, about Adélaïde, you don't have to keep loving me, but please don't make me go, I want to stay with you, I want to be by your side forever."

This isn' fair, this is torture. How can something so beautiful and true be considered as a sin, as a crime? Because, God, if loving Remus Lupin is wrong, then Sirius Black never wants to be right.

"How could I stop loving you when I never did in the beginning, Remus? This was nothing to me, you were nothing to me. I just needed someone to relieve the pressure and you were there. This was never about love, it was just mindless sex."

"Stop." Remus begs and Sirius knows this is almost over, this is how everything ends.

"Fuck, how could you believe I would ever fall for someone like you? A poor, ugly esquire, who just wants to suck cock. How could you believe for one second that you meant anything to me? Listen to me and repeat after me, je ne t'ai jamais aimé."

Sirius will never forget Remus' eyes, the hurt and hatred. He will never forget the sobs, the tears, the pain.

He will never forget Remus Lupin or the day where he broke the love of his life's heart before watching him leave forever.

👑👑👑

please don't hate me

this is not the end

so don't burn my house just yet