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The dinner Kai dishes up in front of me smells incredible. A full roast dinner: pork with crackling, roast potatoes and parsnip, cauliflower cheese, carrots, Yorkshire puddings, cabbage with bacon and gravy. It's like a Christmas dinner, my plate is so full. The aromas of meat and vegetables are making me salivate, along with the small apple sauce on the side.

"Kai, this is amazing," I mention as he sits opposite me. "I didn't know you could cook this well, or I would've told you to cook more often."

He grins. "You've only been here about three weeks. I thought I'd hide it for a while, you know? Don't want you getting too comfortable."

I snort and start digging in. "Fair, 'cause now you'll be cooking every meal."

"You wish!" He takes a mouthful before saying, "I've made a lemon cheesecake for pudding."

"Well, hell, that's if I'm not full after this!"

He grins. "Bon appétit as they say."

The food is impeccable, and he's added something sweet to the gravy like cranberry sauce, which just sets it off well against the roasted food.

"Did you read up on the media reports of the library reopening we did on Friday?" Kai asks.

He's referring to the second engagement I've ever done – the reopening of a local library here. The local council was there, along with a bunch of mums and children who support the library, plus Kai and me. Luckily, nothing majorly embarrassing happened. I tripped on the pavement on my way there, in front of the media. They didn't have their cameras on, though, so it wasn't all that bad. When I had a quick look at social media and news coverage of it, they seemed to talk about how good Kai and I look together, some chit-chat wondering why we kept the romance a secret, and how well I did at looking the part already.

"I've noticed mainly positive things. There are a few criticisms of me being too normal and not from high society and bringing the royal family name down," I mention.

Kai nods while he finishes a mouthful. "To be expected. The problem would be if you were, say, the daughter of a lord or lady or someone with tons of riches, there'd be criticism of not being more diverse in the royal family. Bring you in from a normal, everyday, working family and it's bringing the name down. We can literally never win."

"Is it true the royal family marries within the family?" I ask.

Kai laughs as he eats more food. "With the generations before my parents, yeah, but not anymore. My great-grandmother and her husband were second cousins, I believe. Either way, with the new laws around succession and marriage, it's easier than ever for us to be with who we want. However, people like my sister have tighter restrictions because she's next in line. She has an incredibly high standard for men, anyway."

"Random question. What's the law like for same-sex marriages within the line of succession?" I ask.

"My family doesn't talk about it. Simply because it's never happened. Neither Lucy nor I are gay – as far as I'm aware. The most we've had is a second cousin at the bottom of the line of succession who has secretly been gay and recently come out to us all. He right now has no intention of marrying, so no one discusses it. My parents will probably have no objection and support it if he does. But the line of succession is different—"

"But it's not really. If I were a man and we fell in love, we could marry and adopt—"

He interrupts me with a shake of his head. "Adoption isn't royal blood, though, and while there are ways around it, like surrogacy, I don't know how the law would look at it. It's an interesting concept, though, because I could simply create my own child and be single or be in a same-sex marriage, but there would need to be a title for my hypothetical husband, laws would need changing and whatever."

"I notice you and Lucy all support LGBTQ charities and that kinda stuff, though. Will she change it, do you think, once she ascends the throne to make it obvious? Even though it might not be relevant, I think the public would support the monarchy more if it was simply in place," I mention.

Kai puts his cutlery down and stares at me for a moment.

"What? Have I said something out of place?" Silence. "I'm so sorry, Kai, I just... I was just thinking out loud."

He shakes his head. "No, you've done everything right. You're amazing, Peach, you know that?"

I arch an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because you're already thinking like a royal and trying to make a change. Even if it doesn't work in the future, you're doing what both Lucy and I have been trained to do – think for the people and improve for the future."

I chuckle and continue eating. "I'm just... you know. It's a big thing, and the monarchy is very traditional, and marrying traditional with the people is hard. I guess the church is the biggest hurdle, right?" I take another bite of food. This is the deepest we've been so far, and it's kind of nice working out where everything stands.

Kai nods. "It's difficult. The Church of England has come a long way. The current stance is that they accept, like everyone, LGBTQ partnerships and people and will allow ministers of the community to be ordained. However, it states that marriage is only between a man and a woman, and they will not bless or marry same-sex couples, but if you belong to a church and are in a same-sex marriage, they will pray for you and welcome you into the community with open arms. With the royal family being the head of the church, I – well, now you as well – have to be seen to be part of it."

"But? I can see the but in the way your eyes are narrowing a little, and your mouth isn't fully closing," I mention.

Oh, that's awkward. Really awkward. Knowing his cues like that isn't something a fake lover would know, right? That's too intimate. Yet, it feels somehow right, as if I should know them.

This is messy.

And I've put my foot in it once again. Mentioning religion when I'm not even a proper member of the royal family, now mentioning things too close for comfort.

Well, I will be a proper member of the royal family, but I'm not here out of choice. It's weird because everything about this is real apart from the feelings. I suppose me suggesting stuff is at least me showing initiative and the wider family beyond Kai that I can do this. Or at least, try.

Or it shows I'm completely out of line and need to shut up.

It also shows how completely awful I am at overthinking.

"It's nothing bad, Peach, don't worry," Kai says with a chuckle before eating another mouthful.

I take a bite of the crackling; salty, crunchy and amazing. As I finish it, my eyes meet Kai's, and my heart pounds harder. Is that even normal? To be feeling these sorts of things when I look at a man I'm being pressured into marrying? Is it normal to be warming to him even though I don't love him? Or is it love? It can't be; I've not known him for very long at all.

"It's just but personally, I don't know if I believe in religion. I really shouldn't even be saying that because of my status and everything, but here we are."

I finish my mouthful of food and take a sip of my diet lemonade. "I guess a bit like the whole pregnancy and marriage thing, what you tell the public and people at home are two different things."

He nods. "Pretty much. My parents go to church regularly, and I think they both believe, but whether they do behind closed doors or not is another thing. Either way, for things like Christmas and Easter, we have to be seen going to church with them."

I nod. "Sure. I mean, this year, we'll get away with it, right, because we'll have a baby?"

He grins. "Fair point."

It falls quiet while we both eat and finish our plates of food. When he's done, he pushes the plate into the middle of the table and leans back.

"The twelve-week scan is next week. How're you feeling about it?" he asks.

I start moving the plates to the kitchen bench while Kai gets the pudding stuff out.

"Okay about it. I'm looking forward to seeing the baby. My family is excited as well. Why do you ask?"

He shakes his head as he dishes up the cheesecake and puts cream on the table. "No reason, just wondering. Is it still okay for me to be there? It might be a scan and all, but it's still your medical thing, so I can wait outside or something if you're not okay with it."

I smile; something about the way he asked that was sweet. "No, no, of course I'm okay with it. We're engaged, in this together, so it'd be nice for you to be there. If you want to be."

We both sit at the table for the cheesecake. I take a bite, and it's vanilla and zesty lemon burst onto my tongue in a dance of amazing taste, along with the buttery biscuit and cream to blend it all together. He's a freaking brilliant cook-baker-food-maker.

"I'd love to be there. Peach, I'm excited about this baby." He eats a mouthful of food. "I know this isn't the best situation and all, but I want to make the best of this. You're amazing at the job here, we get on – or so I'd like to think – and well, we have the little one on the way. Things are good, you know?"

"That sounds like the roundabout way of you saying you're hot, I'm hot, let's do this," I joke.

"What the—"

"You know in teen films when they say that and then they have sex or get together or whatever," I say.

Kai laughs. "I promise you, I was not suggesting that."

It feels like there's a but there or something. If there is, he doesn't air it, so I leave the awkwardness there. We haven't even mentioned the pure chemistry that fizzles between us in moments like this. The reason we're here at all is the undeniable fizzing reaction that we emit when we're together, just like the night we conceived this baby, but we don't act on it. Not since the second time, when I told him I was pregnant, anyway. It's too awkward for me with the whole fake marriage thing and how this is his fault for opening his big mouth.

The funny thing about chemical reactions is that they need two reactants that actually go together to make a reaction. Some just fizzle out and create nothing new, but two that go together will create an explosion and something new and beautiful. Kai and I were definitely new and beautiful that night, but I wonder if we're just a one-off and destined to fizzle out.

When we're done with pudding, I start moving around the kitchen, piling up things for the dishwasher. Kai loads it and we work in a comfortable yet quiet tandem.

"Such a random question, but when we're married, what do you think you'll use as your last name? Michael took our name by choice when he married in. You're welcome to do what you want, though."

I put the cream back in the fridge, which is a big double-door thing with an ice and water dispenser in. I think that might be one of my favourite things about living here, along with the library type lounge too. When I'm done, I stand with my back against the fridge.

"Well, I was thinking of just adopting your name. My assumption is that the baby will be an Abbott, with it being biologically a royal, so I might take yours as well. Then we'll all be the same and a tighter family, you know?"

He stands when he's done and looks at me in surprise. "A family is still tight, even if they have different names. It's not marriage that makes a family, but the blood ties and love within it."

"Sure, I know that more than anyone with Annie and Patrick in my family. Before they got married, I was at school and saw how they treated Annie when she would come and pick me up or take me to the doctor when Dad couldn't. She'd have to take a letter from my dad saying he gives permission for her to do it, or I'd be questioned a hundred times about her, simply because they weren't married and she had a different name. You see how close we are; that shit broke both our hearts. To me, having the same name will eliminate those feelings, even though the public will know me, but you know."

He nods and stands in front of me. "That's so sad. What the hell? I had no idea it was like that."

I shrug. "It's the law, I believe. I get why, because trouble could happen if they don't check, but it still doesn't stop the immediate hurt and distress of many families like mine. Both Annie and my dad were widows. I don't know, it doesn't really have anything to do with that, but it just hurt. So it's not about not feeling like a family for me, it's more to just avoid that hurt feeling."

His hands fall on my shoulders. "I promise you, we will avoid that feeling for our child or us, okay? This family is going to be amazing. Me, you, the little one, and our extended family. We're going to be amazing."

"You really think so? My mum died when I was nine, and I've never felt excluded or unloved, but that time between when she died and when Annie became my step-mum was so awful. I never want our child to feel that way. It was the uncertainty, and grief, and sadness."

Our eyes meet, and some electric charge pulsates in the small space between us. It's the reactors coming together to create a chemical reaction. Despite us talking deep emotional stuff here, clearly, there's an undertone about family and the baby we created together.

"Peach, I promise you that this family we're making right now is going to be absolutely amazing. I will never let you experience those feelings again, and nor will I let our child."

I don't answer with words because the force of his words is enough. Everything stills as he moves closer until there's a cat's whisker of air between us.

When chemical reactions happen, they usually explode or bubble, but this one is fizzing, exciting, much like a sparkler on the fifth of November.

I edge closer to him, my hands whispering against his shirt. They don't know whether to go for it and pull him closer, or whether to push him away in awkwardness. My brain is saying one thing, but the pounding of my heart is saying something entirely different.

But much like a chemical reaction, it can finish just as quickly as it starts, and Kai pulls away just before our lips can meet.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"Kai—"

He walks out of the kitchen saying nothing more but leaving my lips feeling empty and my heart and brain both confused and regretful. 

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