A lot happened last chapter (I only remember cause it's only been about an hour since I wrote it lol)

Still on a roll. I haven't been this productive in a long, long time.

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Yixing's POV

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"Please Tao," I begged, holding the unmarked envelope out to him. "Please. I can't mail it myself or father will have my head. Please can you do it?" He grimaced, and my stomach sank.

"I'd get in trouble if he ever found out," was all Tao said. "I'm not his son, so he would never go lenient on me." I dropped the envelope to my lap, ducking my head as more tears pooled in my eyes. I wanted to talk to Junmyeon so bad. It had only been a week, but it felt like eons. And he'd tried. Every evening I'd get a call that broke my heart to reject. A few Skype notifications that I'd have to ignore.

It was torture.

"I'm sorry," he said at last. "I still don't fully understand. So he saw the photos and just...freaked out on you?" All I could do was miserably nod, bringing a hand up to dab at my eyes. It didn't help that every night I'd toss and turn, Ying Yue's warmth never lulling me to sleep like that music could. "That's kind of cruel. It's not like you were doing anything."

"I know that, and you know that," I responded at last. "But he doesn't." Luhan and mother were trying their best to console me during this whole ordeal, but they also ultimately bowed down to my father. They couldn't provide the one thing I wanted. "Ying Yue can't know what's going on," I mumbled as an afterthought. She'd been kept out of the loop, and I liked it that way.

"What happened exactly?" he asked at last, drawing one knee up to his chest and wrapping his arms around it. I set the letter down on the bed between us to keep from crumpling it. I sighed.

"Well, dad acknowledged the fact I'm gay, for starters," I said, and Tao's face morphed into one of utter surprise. "Basically it amounted to 'you keep your lips shut or you can kiss this throne goodbye. Oh and don't call or try to contact one of your best friends ever again.'" I sighed again, picking at a loose thread on my bedspread. "Except he doesn't seem to realize that Junmyeon helps keep me sane some days. And we really are only just friends." Tao shook his head, tisking quietly but otherwise didn't say anything. I picked up the letter again. "I just want a way to say something to him. I can only imagine I'm hurting him sending him to voicemail every night. Like I don't care about him anymore..." Which couldn't be farther from the truth. I still loved and cared for him so much.

"I'm kinda surprised by you," Tao suddenly said. "I mean you've been complacent before, but never like this."

"The only difference being that I put my whole future in jeopardy if I try," I replied. "Don't you think I'm tempted to break his rules? Because I am. Every god damn day. But I can't. I have a lot more to think about than myself. I have Ying Yue, and I have a country full of people who expect me to be ready for whatever life throws at me but I'm just... not..." I trailed off, playing with my fingers and avoiding eye contact once again. "This is only the top of the iceberg. Can I handle what the rest of my life will be like? Because he was right on one thing. I am gay. I have been for literal years. But I also know that I have to hide that part of myself for as long as I'm king. Zip your lip and do your part, and don't you dare stray away from the norm."

"Wow," was all Tao could muster, but I could tell my words were having some kind of affect on him by the way his face contorted. It felt kind if good to finally admit it out loud though. Even if it was the very thing that could kill me. "I guess I never knew that. You being gay, I knew that part. But not the others. Are you sure you want to be king in a month?" I side-eyed him.

"Do I have a choice?" I shot back, and that shut him up. "Whether I'm ready or not, it's happening. I knew it would be this way too, so I have no right to act surprised by this." I glanced around my room again, wondering what I was even looking for anymore. My sanity? Really I just wanted my music box back. But it wasn't here, and father feigned innocence when I confronted him about it.

"I wasn't gonna say anything but...you look like shit," Tao piped up, and I shot him a withering look. "Have you been sleeping Xing?"

"Nope," I answered with false cheerfulness. "The music box Junmyeon gave me, the very thing that has put me to sleep every night for nearly three years, has up and vanished. Sure, I can sleep, but it's nowhere near the same as it has been.  I'm not saying I need that box...actually, yeah that's exactly what I'm saying. I need that box. It's more than just my nightly lullaby." I grasped at nothing. "It's my last physical memory of him here."

"You really are a mess, aren't you?" Tao asked with a slight shake of his head. Yes. I was. Honestly I had been since the first time I returned from Korea, completely and utterly smitten with a boy who would never be mine. And it sucked. It sucked so fucking much some days. Because Junnie had been right. I missed him. And not that little missing him that makes me kind of sad and wistful. No, this missing him was causing my heart to twist and my stomach to clench and everything in me ached, dull and deep. Ying Yue loved me, and I loved her, but maybe I really had made some sort of mistake. Because if I truly loved her, there was no way I'd be so beaten by all of this.

"Please," I said quietly. "I promise I will never tell father about this. I swear the staff to secrecy too. But please, can you mail this for me? I at least owe him an explanation for why I'm doing this." Tao sighed, but finally took the envelope and stuffed it in his pocket. I pressed a few notes to his hand. "One more thing," I said, rising and heading to my closet, well aware of what Junmyeon always wore. It had to be getting a bit small these days. It wasn't always the biggest of shirts. I selected a new shirt, a soft cotton thing, black except for the silly cartoon sheep on the front, a running joke between my family and I. One of my favorite shirts. "This too," I said at last, turning to Tao and thrusting it at him. "If anyone asks say I gave it to you or something. I don't care. But please get it to him."

"Alright," Tao agreed at last. "You're lucky I love you so much." For the first time in a few days, I beamed. Junmyeon would finally hear from me. It wasn't ideal, but it was a start at least.

...

Junmyeon's POV

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"President Hall, it was lovely to meet with you," I said respectfully, offering my hand, which he gladly shook. The President of the United States had showed up rather unexpectedly, so I'd spent almost the whole morning entertaining him and his wife. But they were actually really warm and welcoming, and they'd been pleasant company for the morning. He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling, a very small dimple forming on one cheek, causing something in me to momentarily throb.

"You'll have to swing by the White House some time," he said to me, and all I could do was nod. I'd abandoned our translator some time ago. I grasped most of what they were saying, and they'd actually picked up on Korean at some point, so conversations had remained constant and fast. "We'd better get going though. We were headed north, but since we were in the area, we thought we'd pay you a visit first."

"Do swing by any time," I said as I walked them to the door. President Hall smiled again, and I had the mental image of his smile being prominent at pretty much all times. They called soft goodbyes as they left, and with one final bow from me the door swung shut. I slumped, feeling physically and mentally exhausted. I fished my phone out of my pocket, checking to see if I'd missed anything. But I had no missed calls. No new messages.

Nothing.

I sighed. It wasn't late, but I kind of wanted a nap. I didn't often allow myself to have them these days, as I felt constantly busy, but the last few days had been taxing, to say the least. A million imaginary scenarios played out in my head of everything I'd done wrong. All the reasons he could be ignoring me. Maybe he finally decided he'd had enough of me. Maybe I really was just a nobody. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I was so selfish, and I knew it. But I still wanted him to care about me. I wanted to be something to him, no matter what it was.

I trudged up the several flights of stairs to my room at the top floor, opening one of the grand wooden doors and gazing around a space far too large for one person alone. I stripped myself of my suit as I went, finally reaching my dresser and tugging on a pair of pajama pants. I dug around for my favorite shirt.

Except it wasn't there.

"Huh?" I wondered aloud. I always had it folded up amongst my pajamas. All the staff knew where to put it. Sure, it was getting a bit snug these days, but it brought me comfort most days when nothing else could. Maybe it got hung up. I wandered to my closet, scanning the items hanging neatly and orderly. But everything hanging was dark, crisp, and neat. Not the pale blue I'd come to adore. "Weird," I said. I pulled on another shirt just so I wouldn't be walking around bare, and headed back down. Maybe it was still being washed.

"Hello mother," I greeted as I passed her, pausing to wrap my arms around her. I leaned my head on her shoulder closing my eyes and soaking in the extra attention for the day. "Hey, random question. Have you seen the staff with my pajama shirt? The pale blue one with a faded picture on the front?"

"Oh that old thing?" she asked. "It was starting to run small, so I had them throw it out." And suddenly my world tilted on its axis. Threw it away? But...

"That shirt was Yixing's..." I mumbled, tears annoyingly threatening to spill. Mother's face crumpled as my words hit her. I couldn't even blame her. She hadn't known. And yeah. It was getting small, and it was starting to show it's age. Originally I'd only worn it because his scent had lingered behind. But after all the washes it no longer smelled like him. At that point it had only been the memories of happier and much more simple times. "Okay mother, thank you," I said, backing up slowly.

"Oh Jun, I didn't know," she said. "I'll get you a new shirt, okay?" No. No it wasn't okay. I didn't want a new shirt. I didn't want something carelessly bought at a store to appease me. I wanted Yixing's shirt. I wanted that comfort. Not just because of that, but because of all the uncertainty and unease I'd been feeling the last few nights.

"I'll get one," I whispered, barely audible, before turning and lightly running back to my room, the emotions of the last few days finally catching me as tears made tracks down my cheeks and tiny whimpers escaped passed my lips. I slammed the door behind me, locking it so they couldn't interrupt, and threw myself face first on my bed, burying my face in the sheets as more tears spilled over. It wasn't just the shirt I needed.

I needed him. What had I done wrong? Why was ignoring me? Sending me to voicemail? Rejecting my Skype offers? Never texting me back? He said he still loved me, that he wouldn't stop. So why did he?

He doesn't love you, a little nagging voice at the back of my mind said. You're stupid if you think so. Can't you see it? He has Ying Yue now. He doesn't need you. He never did. And now he'll never love you again.

"No," I croaked out, turning on my side and pulling an object to myself. Music box. The custom one he'd had made for my birthday. "He does love me. He does need me. He does..." I flicked the lid open, the soft melody I was all too familiar with rising up. But the more I thought about it, the less I really believed it. Did he really?

He was already married. He had Ying Yue. And right now, I wasn't married. I had Hyeja, sure. But I was being so unfair to her it wasn't even funny anymore. She deserved someone better than I. She deserved someone who would gladly put the stars in the sky just for her. Someone who would treat her like the royalty she should have been.

She didn't deserve me, that was for sure. She didn't deserve a broken boy still smitten with someone six hundred miles away. No matter how much I tried to deny it, to say I'd moved on, I knew the truth. I'd never be able to. I could never provide my future wife the love she deserved. Because whoever they were, they would never feel like the place to return to at the end of the day. They wouldn't feel like my forever. I'd already found him.

But he'd found it in someone else.

...

The second half of the story I'd been playing around with for awhile I just wasn't sure how I was going about it.