I hovered my hand over Nat's.

Dr. Franz watched with interest as I did so.

I had been working on my fear of human touch for a month now. It had been a month and a half since Agent Richards and Nat benched me. Until I could get my shit together, I was doomed to therapy.

Instead of dreading it, I decided that the best way to get back into the field was to swallow a bitter pill and get it over. To my surprise. It actually helped me.

My relationship with the team needs a lot of work and PTSD is lingering but I've made good progress with my phobia.

I was able to go into a busy restaurant during rush hour on a Monday.

So that was going well for me.

"Don't be afraid," Dr. Franz said. "This is a person you trust so no harm will come to you."

I took a deep breath and lowered my hand, my palm touching the skin of Nat's hand.

"There you go," she said.

I could feel her pulse underneath, it was steady and normal. My power stirred in my blood, begging to be released. I quelled it as I concentrated on bringing my heart beat down.

My powers didn't control me, they were a part of me but I wasn't ready to accept it just yet.

"Ok. Good. You can pull away now." Dr. Franz wrote down some notes on his pad. "You're doing well."

"I feel better. You know, I feel great. So how about signing my papers so that I can go back into missions?" I said with a fake smile.

"I say she's fine," Nat shrugged. "Kinda."

"As much as I want to put you back out there you still have something's you need to deal with, Agent."

I couldn't help but scowl. However, he was right. I still had issues and I didn't want to compromise myself out there on the field. I didn't want to give Stark anymore ammo than he had.

"You see, even though we were able to help you with your anxiety and phobia, your relationship with your colleagues is cold and may I say bitter. I mean besides Agent Romanoff, Agent Barton and Sargent Barnes."

Ah, yes. It seems that I prefer Assassins compared to superheroes.

"Wow, doc," I said. "Anything else you wanna say?"

"Don't take this the wrong way. You've made wonderful progress but those were just the symptoms. Unless we get to the root of your PTSD, all our hard work will come undone."

"So what do I do? You can't exactly make my PTSD go away. There's no cure for that."

"No, I'm afraid that's not how it works but that's why I'm here," he said as he cleaned his glasses. "I know that you still hesitate about what causes your PTSD and I can understand that but maybe talking about it might take some of that weight off your shoulders."

"And what if it doesn't?" I asked.

"Then we'll keep working at it."

"I'll take it as my cue to leave," Nat said Sean sing the change in mood. She got up and walked out of the room. "I'll be outside if you need me."

"So do you want to tell me what happened?" He asked once the door closed. "I think it's time you open up about what weighs you down, don't you?"

I sighed, leaning back against my seat and told him.

"I'll have to exclude a few details. You know, 'if I tell you, I'll have to kill you type of stuff.' That's okay, right?"

"As you see fit, Maya."

---------

"How did it go?" Nat asked as I walked out of the building.

"It went well," I said.

"And how do you feel?" She tossed me the keys to the car.

"I feel weightless."

"That means progress."

"Can't you just put me back on for missions?" I asked as I drove us back to New York. "I'm fine now. Aren't you a level eight agent or not."

"As much as I would love to have you back, you still have issues to resolve."

"Yeah, yeah. My relationship with the Avengers. That's the only thing that I have to resolve really, everything else is manageable right now."

"It's gonna be tough especially with Tony but you can get through this," she said. "I know you can."

Funny, the person you'd least expect to be optimistic would be famous Black Widow.

"I want to, Nat. I really want to," I said, taking the car out of park. "I'm so sick of being lie this."

-------

By the time that we had gotten back to the tower, it was busy.

"Where the hell have you two been?" Sam asked when we walked through the elevator doors. His wings were on meaning there was an emergency.

"Um......coffee?"

"Where's you coffee cups?" He asked with his eyebrow raised.

"Hey, if you wanted one all you had to do was ask," I said.

"What's going on here?" Nat asked.

"New York City is under attack. Surprise," Tony Stark said as he walked out of the in his suit. "We don't what or who they are but they're currently terrorizing the Lower East End. We're going in."

"I'll go get my stuff," I said turning on my heel.

Just before I could make a run for it toward the elevator, Natasha grabbed my arm stopping me.

"Oh, no you don't."

"I'll be fine!" I protested.

"No."

"But-"

"No, Maya!" Natasha had a glare that could stop a heard of rampaging elephants but I was wise enough to stand down. "As your S.O. I'm ordering you to stay here. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Ma'am," I muttered darkly.

"Good." She nodded towards me and headed to the elevator. "Guard the tower. Make sure nothing happens."

I stood there defeated. I wanted to get back into the frey, I was so sick of sitting on the sidelines. It's been a month at least. My fists were aching to punch something.

"Try not to wreak anything while we're out saving the world," Stark said as he passed by me.

My hands balled into fists on their own. I took a deep breath in.

You know what?

If Dr. Franz wanted me to deal with my relationship with the Avengers then I was gonna deal with it starting with this arrogant asshole.

"Hey, Stark!" I called out.

"Yeah? What?" He asked not even bothering to look back at me.

"Why do you not like me?"

I think I caught him off guard because he stopped and then turned around, blinking twice.

"Let's see," he recovered quickly. The usual Stark expression returning to his face. "You refuse to talk to us---"

"Because you don't trust me! So why should I even bother----!"

"You dont tell us anything about you. We don't even know who you are and any time we ask, it's always a privacy issues----!"

"That's because you snooped around my stuff instead of just asking me! I'm an agent, Stark! I have stuff that---"

"Who cares?! You always act like such a loner!"

"Maybe I wouldn't have to if you'd just accept me!"

"You aren't an Avenger!" He snapped at me. "And you'll never be. You have too many secrets, kid! Some of us can't tolerate that or accept that!"

I didn't say anything back. I just stood there and clenched my fists. I had asked for him to tell me the truth and I got it, there shouldn't be any reason for me to act like that hurt me.

"That is unfair," I said. "Just because you had a war before me doesn't mean you'll have one again. Don't act like I'll be a catalyst for the next one. I have my secrets for a reason. Don't act like you don't have secrets either, Stark!"

"Shut up." His voice was cold and furious. "You have nothing to do with that."

"Tony," I said. "How much do you know about me?"

"Enough."

I felt my stomach drop as my mind raced. The feeling of dread and fear invaded my system as I struggled to keep a strait face.

The look in his eyes scared me.

There was disgust, hate, anger and downright distrust. This is what I was trying to avoid. I did join the Avengers because I did need protection but somewhere deep in my subconscious, I joined because I wanted to make up for my misdeeds.

But the look in his eyes told me enough.

That would never happen.

The blood on my hands would permanently stained there forever. This label of murderer would follow me around for the rest of my miserable life regardless of what 'good' deeds I might do.

"What do you want, Stark?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me, Rose Red." I stiffened at that name. It rang around my head, bringing back unwanted images. "Should I just pretend that a former terrorist isn't on our team?"

"How?" I simply, asked.

"The bodies you left behind," he said. "The people who've seen you. You left a trail. Honestly, kid? Did you really think that SHIELD could cover all of your tracks?"

"Do you think I'm a monster?" I asked, finally looking away. The guilt and shame surfaced back up. It tasted bitter when it was mixed in with regret and remorse. "Do you think I'm a terrible excuse of a human being?"

Tony Stark stood there not saying anything.

I knew the answer before he even said it.

"Yes," he finally answered. Tony closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Then he walked to the ledge and flew off to his team.

One that I still was not a part of.