Tanna Carson

My fingers graze lightly over the corner of the paper, waiting until I finish reading the rest of the words before turning the page.

I sat with my body against Luke, my head resting against his shoulder, looking down at the book as he lay against the headboard of my bed.

I hear the slightest clicking sound now and then as he scrolls through my camera, taking me up on that offer we had made the night we really first got to know each other.

I turn my head discretely to look at him, admiring the way he was so intensely focused on the camera in front of him.

Leaning closer to his face, I gently place my lips against his cheek, keeping them there for a few seconds before pulling away.

He turns to look at me, with a smile across his lips and he leans down, connecting our lips gently.

He pulls back too soon and I pout up at him, huffing lightly. My smile widens, breaking through the pout at the sound of his laughter.

He shakes his head in amusement before focusing his attention back onto the camera.

I can see the fascination in his eyes, so instead of disturbing him, I turn my head away, looking back down at the book in my hands.

I finally turn the page, my eyes landing on the title, making my eyebrows furrow inwards. I lift my hand, gently running my fingers over the title of the song, feeling the indentation of the paper.

*   *   *   *   *  *   *   *    *   * *

Problem Child

I drag my hand down the page, feeling each letter engraved into the paper harshly.

Luke's handwriting wasn't the neatest, but the emotion of this song was clear to anyone, no matter what.

"Here we are again, wake at 5 am
I didn't mean a word I said
Can we just pretend? I can take it back
Change the way the story ends
I remember when things were simple then
It didn't always hurt this way
I would fall asleep, you would carry me
You would take my fears away

Am I messed up?
Forever flawed
Beyond repair
But forever yours

All my life
All I ever did was try and try
I never meant to be your problem child
Your problem child, yeah

I don't know why
I always find the way to make you cry
I never meant to be your problem child
Your problem child, yeah"

My eyes read over each lyric while my mind runs wild, stopping on the conversation I had with Luke when he briefly mentioned his parents not accepting him.

"When you look at me, I wonder if you see
All the things you thought I could be
Or all the crazy nights, all the stupid fights
All the tears that filled our eyes"

I feel my heart tighten at the thought of his words running through my head.

Even my parents don't accept me.

"Luke, love." I say quietly, feeling as if my voice would break if I spoke any louder. I knew Luke was hurting from the things he told me before, but this song takes it all to another level.

"Yeah baby?" My heart flutters at the nickname, but the song takes over that feeling, replacing it with a heavier one.

He doesn't lift his gaze from my camera as he keeps scrolling through the many photos on there.

"I-um." I struggle to find the words to say and he lifts his gaze as that catches his attention. "You mentioned your parents the other day."

I let the words escape my lips just above a whisper, watching as he tenses up slightly and I immediately regret bringing it up.

His eyes drop down to the song open in front of me and I bite my cheeks at the sound of his breath hitching in his throat.

"You don't need to tell me anything." I finally find some words to break into the silence around us. "I, I'm sorry for asking. I shouldn't have looked at- at the song."

Things had just gotten better with the two of us and I was so scared that I just ruined all of that in the span of a few seconds.

I feel his hand run over my arm gently, letting my eyes follow his movement as he intertwined our hands together, reassuring me.

"No tan. No secrets. I let you go through my book, it's not your fault." I lift my eyes away from our hands until I met his, noticing the whirlwind of emotions running through them. "I know what songs are in there and I trust you with every part of me."

I nod slowly, my eyes remain locked with his as I listen to every single word that leaves his lips.

He places my camera down, letting his other hand trail up to my hair, running through it soothingly.

"I used to have a really good relationship with my parents, well, at least when I was younger. We always spent the holidays together, my birthday being one of my favorites."

I sat there, my eyes not leaving his, showing that I was listening to everything he had to say.

"I've always showed interest in music and when I met Alex and Reg, that interest was only intensified.
Those two brought so much happiness into my life and my parents noticed that. The three of us had always planned starting a band one day, after I had earned enough money to buy my own electric guitar.

On my 15th birthday, my parents surprised me with an electric guitar. It was the best present they had ever given me, that and the thought that they were supporting me when it came to my music. At least that's what I thought." I squeeze his hand as he takes a breath, continuing to run his hand through my hair.

"Like I said, music is extremely important to me and I thought my parents respected that, but they slowly started going against that. At first they never said anything, but gradually, more and more they kept saying how music was a waste of my time, that it wasn't going to get me to where they wanted me to be. They even tried to get me to stop going to band practices, but of course it didn't work.

It may have been selfish of me to not listen to them, but I couldn't let them take away the one thing I loved more than anything. Eventually they let it go, not making as big of a deal about it, but they were never really happy with my decisions.

It got to the point that on holidays, I'd just stay alone in my room, unless one of the boys invited me over."

He paused for a second and I nodded at him to continue, noticing the hesitation in his eyes.

"I'm not really sure what brought me to that moment, but I just couldn't take it anymore. That's when the three of us bought the house, I was desperate to move out." I hated how much he was hurting, the way his eyes were red and the way there were tears steaming down his face.

"Last year, at Christmas, Alex invited me and Reggie over to spend with his family and obviously we went. Reg and I didn't have other plans besides staying at the house together, so we went.

I hadn't spoken to my parents since I moved out and Alex's parents must have told mine where I was because they showed up at Alex's house just as we were leaving.

I couldn't stop speaking about my parents, I was struggling to calm down and that's when Alex kissed me. He had completely calmed me down in a matter of seconds, well that was until my parents walked up to us demanding for me to come back home and that I had to stay away from my best friends, especially Alex.

I was confused to say the least about what had happened with Alex, but my own parents not accepting me and trying to take my best friends away from me was the last straw.

I've always just wished they would accept me as I am and not try to force me to be someone they want. Someone I don't want to be." His breathing becomes more shallow and ragged, speeding up intensely as I face him, knowing exactly what was happening.

"Luke, I need you to focus on me for a second please, can you do that?" His eyes remain on mine as he nods briefly. "I'm right here, just breathe with me okay?"

It was breaking my heart completely to see Luke like this. I had seen him upset, but never to the point of him having a panic attack.

He followed my breathing, copying my movements until he started to calm down a bit more.

"I miss them, but I wish I didn't. They don't deserve that."

"It's okay to miss someone you no longer want to back in your life. I think when you miss someone, it just proves that they did matter at one time or another."

I cup his face gently, wiping away some of the tears that were still running down his cheeks.

"Stay with me please?"

"I'm here Luke, I'm not leaving you."