Dear reader/wattpad friend

I haven't been very active lately but I'm trying to now, slowly, and I hope I can get back to some regularity on here but I believe I owe some of you at least an explanation of my behaviour for most of this year.

So here it is.

You are not going to like it.

I think a lot but so does everyone else. But I also worry a lot. That too, is a common habit. The thing is I worry most of the time. I have anxiety and some days I just feel so sad for no reason at all. The problem is I can think of reasons, always.

No, actually, the problem is I don't talk about it. Sure, I'll mention it once in a while, in an offhand way to a friend or family member but mostly people, even those closest to me won't know it.

So, understand that writing this is tough and I may not end up saying all I want to but I will try to.

I don't have a problem with life. No, not at all. I love life and I want to live it to the fullest and have the most amazing adventures. I want that for everyone.

Speaking of the things I love, writing is one of them. Writing is me, it is my thing and I am proud to call it my thing.

However, unlike most writers I cannot write from a sad place and by that I mean, I cannot write when my mind is filled with anxiety and the worst kind of psychological loneliness. I just can't. I withdraw into myself. People think withdrawing is visible and maybe it is for some people but I withdraw into myself in ways no one else realizes. I will be happy and lovely to everyone. That doesn't mean I am perennially excited and happy inside.

I love people but it hurts when every now and then you meet someone downright detestable. I don't make excuses for toxic people. I just stop trusting them. The more I meet people, the less of an extrovert I become. It is like being pulled inside out like a sweater on a clothesline.

You have to understand, this isn't every day of my life. This isn't even many days of my life. This is, however, some days of my life and in cases like these, even the 'some' hurt.

Wattpad, though it isn't perfect, is still a wonderful place because every now and then you will read a story that will make the others worth reading. I have been lucky that I have more than often read the better ones. As for you all, I know so many amazing, kind and generous people and I write for you all on here. I have writing projects I don't share on here. I think of them as more serious ones. They're also the ones I don't see myself completing anytime soon but I'll come to that later.

The fact is everything I post here has reached whatever stage it has because people like you have motivated me to get that far. Some writers have the strength to write in isolation. I don't but that doesn't make me any less strong. The life of a wattpader is not easy, you will agree.

So why have I been so inactive especially when people had been reading my stories and everything was going well?

I don't know.

It has just been so tough to balance a very hectic college life, concerns over the immediate future and whatever little personal life I have, with writing regularly. I have lost that skill which churns out chapters at quick regular intervals. There always seemed so much and after a point, I was lagging behind. No matter what I did, I was missing deadlines, putting off writing and reading on Wattpad.

Every time I took a surprise hiatus, I would come back to less enthusiasm and way more work. More lagging behind.

I know writers on here who go on announced hiatuses, breaks or even temporarily leaving wattpad. Kudos to them who can plan such goodbyes. I really wish to make it less of a question mark for you and become more planned like these lovely people. It is a good wish.

I disappear without a word because I never mean to.

And I hate it that I have nearly stopped writing The Grimm Life of Adam Topaz when I have so much to give to that book. I will be drafting that book today along with Fool's Gold. The latter is because I believe I have said as much as I could say in it. I write instapoetry now and my poetry has taken a different direction, hopefully a better one.

It is really a concern for me and it nags my mind so much that for a time I didn't even want to come back to wattpad. I knew I would, (and I did, every few weeks I would come by and post something, talk to my friends and then fully planning on continuing I would fade away again), but it just became so much more difficult.

You see, I love beginnings. I love to start things and anyone with even a single creative bone in their body will know what a toll art takes. You have to give your life to it and there's only so much of it and my condition is not the sort when I get the time that is required to devote to a good novel. Hell, my irl friends and I don't even get to complete the readings for our syllabus at college. It is that hectic. There is always something to be done.

The worst thing is, after a tiring day, when you look back, it seems like you've done nothing.

But as I said, I love writing and so I still, even off-wattpad, devote whatever free time I have to it. I want to be an amazing writer. When I finish something on wattpad, my first thought is...I managed to finish something, yay! I did it. The next thought is not so exciting. It is I have to edit this. This has too many typos and issues and whatnot.

I suck at editing. I can't spot typos and they crop up sometimes because I write hurriedly and late at night usually. That is not even the real issue. Every time I sit down to edit, my anxious self will start questioning everything. I am worse than Sherlock at this. In my editing, I dissect things, I dislike things, I change things and so I reach nowhere.

But I want to become better. This is what I believed when I took down Talks and Texts for editing. I love the characters and the plot is good in my opinion. It wanted just basic editing which would make a better read for both new readers and old ones. I thought I would edit a chapter every two days and get it done with. Yes, I am also very paradoxically, optimistic.

That didn't work out. I am still editing it and by that I mean I haven't touched a chapter in a couple of months. It is a nit-picking work and every time I do a chapter, I end up writing it differently (the result is of course a way better almost perfect chapter but that is not the point here) and I doubt myself and my writing even more...worse of all I want to delete everything and just not come on here ever again. This is what I call my editing mood.

I have often thought of abandoning the editing project for Talks and Texts. Why do it? I can just upload the old chapters again and life would go on. It's not as I am dreaming of publishing it. But I don't give up the editing project because I want my best draft to be here. I want to finish it and if my own pace is slow I am fine with it.

And I am fine with it, most of the times. This isn't an apology, this is an explanation.

I want to write new stuff and more regularly on here but some days it is difficult to convince myself to actually get on to it.

If I start will I finish it? Or will I just let it go to waste?

There are questions like these which make it difficult.

You could say it is all in my mind but the mind is a powerful place. It is my closest companion, it is me.

However, the reason I wrote this is, to tell you that I am not giving up, not on my writing or you guys. I am going to try very hard and let's see how it goes.

I am not the giving up sort, thank God for that.

*

I believe it is now time to give what I call a life update:

I am still studying literature at uni and while I dream of a career in it, the opportunities are less and small, we keep hearing everyday. Every day someone will tell us/post on whatsapp or facebook, how we are destroying our lives and how we should switch to something more feasible. Way to add to my anxiety!

I have term papers to write, forever exams and those damn entrances never seem to leave.

Even though I haven't been writing my usual amount of prose a lot during these past couple of months, I have written a lot of poetry. As I said, instapoetry is something I do every other day. It is a huge stress-buster and I like it.

I am more active on instagram (for now) so if you want to talk, you should dm me on @/zaaraofthesea. I promise I will reply asap.

I have something planned for wattpad. If everything goes to plan and by that I mean if I can write five chapters and set up the plot and everything I will post it here and if even three people read it, I will consider it a work well begun.

What else?

I have read so much while I have been away. Some I didn't have a choice, huge literature syllabus, remember? Some I picked and chose myself and I'll give a set of recommendations one day. Hopefully.

And to you all, I have missed you all so much. Thank you for still being here. It means a lot. Love you.

I know this is terribly long and not many will read it but I believe it had to be written.

That said, I'll be deleting this in a few days. It is an explanation, a footnote, not a chapter.

Thank you for reading and hopefully, understanding,

Zaara.