******FOR MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY****************** 

Chapter Twelve

             My new creepy hobby is watching Jackson as he sleeps.  I love falling asleep with his warmth all around me, but in the morning I wiggle out of his arms so I can watch him sleep; the peaceful look on his face puts my heart at ease.  I want to choose him.  Every day when I wake up I reach for him and each night before I go to sleep he is the last thing I think about.  He consumes me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

            Tonight is the last game of the season, and the first football game I will ever go to.  Jackson has arranged special seats for me, Abby and Kyle.  I am hoping that Abby and Kyle can enjoy the evening and not be reminded that their time together might be coming to an end.  Leaving my room each day is like walking into a funeral, the mood so heavy and the overwhelming need to break down almost contagious.  We haven’t spoken about Kyle’s job opportunity yet, but today we are skipping our classes to have a girls’ day before the big game. 

            I trace a line across Jackson’s brow and down his cheek because I just need to touch him.  His eyes flutter open and he smiles when he sees my face.  Tucking his arm under me, he pulls me to him so that my head is resting on his chest.  It is the first time ever that I have the thought that I feel completely at peace. 

            “What are your big plans for today, Rookie?” he asks, his voice heavy with sleep.

            “Abby and I are getting our nails done and then we are going to grab some lunch. What time do we need to be at the stadium?” 

            “The kick off is at five, so just be there before 4:30 to make sure you can get in your seats in time.  Remember to go to the special gate I showed you yesterday so that you can get into the section I saved for you.”  I nod against his chest and wrap my arm around him. 

            Abby is no longer surprised when Jackson emerges from my room in the morning.  It happens more days than it doesn’t.  He has blended well into our morning routine, making coffee for everyone and clicking on the sports news for himself and Kyle.  Kyle is here now more than ever.  I think they must feel a more intense version of what Jackson and I are feeling; they have been together for three years and there is a possibility that they won’t be able to come to an agreement and stay together.  Jackson and I have only been around each other for two weeks and the thought of our time being over is literally too painful to think about.

            After breakfast the boys head off to their activities for the day.  Kyle and Jackson have become friends.  I guess they had no choice since we are always together at the apartment.  It seems so natural that they have exchanged numbers and text each other throughout the week.  Abby and I get in the car to head over to the nail salon.  She is trying to be strong but honestly this is the most feeble I have ever seen her.  Her eyes are dark and puffy and she just seems to have lost her spark.  “Abby, is everything ok?  Are you going to be ok if he moves to Florida?”  We haven’t had our chance to talk about all of this, and I want to know where her head is.

            “Ok, is actually the perfect word, Madeline.  I am ok and it will be ok.  I don’t think that I will ever be happy, and I know that my heart will never feel whole.  Right now my options are to move with him and uproot my entire life for a boyfriend, or stay here and start over.  You know how family is: they won’t support me leaving everything for a boy, even if we have been together for a long time and I love him.”

            I do know how family is, and it is because of that that I just nod and offer a small smile.  “As of this morning, where are you at with those options?”  I also know how quickly your mind can bounce from one choice to another.  Just when I think I have figured out what I am going to do, my mind decides to explore the other choice again. 

            “It might sound stupid, but I am not choosing.  I just can’t.  I guess a decision will be made by default.  If he wants it bad enough, he will choose the job and that should be information enough for me.  If he wants me bad enough, we will make this choice together and find our happiness somewhere in between.  Right now, he isn’t really talking about what I want, just trying to convince me that I could be happy anywhere.”

            “It is kind of ironic, don’t you think? You want to stay here because this is where you are happy, but Kyle wants to leave. And I want to get out of here because being away is what would make me happy, but Greg wants to stay.  We are both screwed.  I guess at least we will both understand each other.”  I laugh a little and Abby joins me.  I wanted to go away to college but my family forbid it.

            “Ahh, but my dear, Madeline, you forget that sometimes the choices are not so black and white.  There are many places that I could be happy. You know that stupid saying that ‘home is where the heart is.’  I just need to know that I am a partner in my decision.  Sound familiar?  And as for you, if you would only look beyond the story your family has written for you, perhaps you would find that your prince might not live in their small kingdom.”  She smiles at me as I watch her driving.

            “What do you mean by that?”

            “Jackson isn’t staying here, Madeline.  I haven’t been a very good friend to you because I am drowning in all of this relationship shit I have going on with Kyle.  If I had been there for you I would have made sure that you knew what you were dealing with.  Do you really think he is just going to stay here after college?  He is the star quarterback for a Division One college.  Last I heard, Jackson was rumored to be a possible first round draft pick.  He is going to be gone, Madeline. If you don’t get your head out of your ass, you are not only going to end up married to Greg, bless his heart, you are going to be thousands of miles away from the only man that I have ever seen make you happy.” 

            Nausea hits me in a wave, and I swallow down the lump that instantly clogs my throat.  Wave after wave of panic runs through me as I process what she is saying.  I have been in denial about this.  When I think about my choices I always imagine that things would just go on like they are now with Jackson.  I never considered what it would be like to know that Jackson would go on without me.  Sure I have thought about running into him at school with girls, but my forever without him would stretch much farther from that.  I would want to know how he was, where he was and what he was doing in his life.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to let him go and how horrible it would feel to know that he moved on without me.  It sounds selfish, and it is, but I just can’t see a life for myself without picturing Jackson in it. 

            “Abby, you know that my family will never accept Jackson.  They can only see Greg—how stable he is, how much time they have spent grooming him to be the perfect husband.  If I were to choose Jackson, I would be choosing to walk away from them.  If it were as simple as Greg or Jackson, I wouldn’t be struggling with this decision.  It is more of a contest between Jackson and my family.  It is times like this that I wish I could talk to my mother; I feel like she might be reasonable and understand me.”

            “Why do you say that?”  Abby pulls into the parking lot and turns to face me.  “What makes you think your mother would want something different than what your brothers and father want for you?” 

In my heart, I just know. 

            “Remember when I went to my aunt’s house a few weeks ago?”  Abby nods her head, “Well, I found a photo album there.  It was of when my mother was about twenty-one.  She was sitting on a man’s lap and she looked so happy.  He was looking at her with that look that just says he was head over heels.  My aunt told me his name was John and that my mother dated him for about six months before she and my father started dating.”  Abby is staring at me wide eyed.

            “What happened?” 

I shake my head. “I don’t know.  My aunt wouldn’t tell me.  She just said that my mother’s family didn’t approve of him.  So you see, she had a Jackson but chose to marry a Greg.  I can’t throw away that information.  I can’t ask her why, I can just know that she made that choice.  Maybe she would want me to marry Greg too—she probably would, but at least I could have had a conversation with her about it.  I can’t do that with my brothers.  They still treat me like a child.  It may sound like it is not a big deal, but knowing that my mother chose my father is the one thing that is holding me back from writing off my family as crazy and running away with Jackson.  I don’t know everything about my mother but I do know she was brilliant.  She was poised and charitable and everything I hope to be one day.  If I can’t talk to her to learn from her, then I need to follow her through her actions.” 

            “Oh, Madeline.  You have no idea what made her do that.  Maybe he broke it off with her?  Maybe she regretted her decision every day.  Please—I beg you, don’t make a decision so life changing based on some timeline your mother lived when you don’t know the reason behind those events.”  She leans in to hug me and I wrap my arms around her. 

            “I love you, Abby.  For what it’s worth I hope Kyle figures things out.  I don’t want to see you miss out on a lifetime of loving him because he can’t think outside of the box.”  She chuckles into my neck and lets me go.

            “What a mess we are!  My knight in shining armor can’t figure out where to build the damn castle and yours doesn’t stand a chance against your family’s drawbridge.   You know how much I love my family, but Kyle is my family too.  My family is playing a role in my heartbreak-but only because I will miss them.  They don’t get to decide who I love, Madeline.  If you chose Jackson, your family will either learn to accept it, or suffer the loss of an amazing member.  At the end of the day, when you lay down to sleep at night, whose arms do you want to be wrapped in?”  I don’t need to answer because she already knows it. 

            My phone chimes with a message and I giggle when I read it.

Jackson:  Kyle and I have paid for your nails today.  We also threw in a massage and lunch ordered in.  It is just a gift-don’t over think it…but if you felt like you needed to repay us, I am sure he and I could think of a few things to make it even ;) 

Me:  Thank you Mr. Quarterback.  You didn’t have to do that.  I am kinda liking you and Kyle as partners in crime.

Jackson:  Rookie, I’m just hoping to make you too relaxed to run.  I need to see you in the stands tonight.  As for Kyle, he is a real cool guy.  See you later, Beautiful.

Me:  I’ll be there.        

The afternoon is wonderful.  Abby and I catch up on what has been happening over the past few weeks and enjoy our massages and lunch.  We head back to the apartment to get ready for the game and manage to make it to the stadium before 4:30.  We are ushered into our seats, which give us an excellent view of the benches where the team sits.  The air feels electric with excitement as the students cheer and clap out our school’s song. 

            When the announcer’s voice bellows through the stadium announcing our team, everyone stands as they enter the field through a dark tunnel.  I see Jackson immediately and my heart swells in my chest and the butterflies in my stomach begin fluttering.  He looks up to my seat immediately when he exits the darkness and, as the light shines down on him, and our eyes meet it hits me: I love him.  I have only known him for two weeks and that makes me crazy, but I love him.  There isn’t one seed of doubt, one argument against, just the knowledge that I can’t ever walk away from him without walking away from a piece of my soul.  I smile at him and I can feel a tear escape my eye as he smiles back.  It is hard to see with his mouthpiece, but my heart knows.  I know him and he knows me.

            The game is amazing and we win.  The whole time I am there I am praying he doesn’t get hurt.  My heart feels like it is outside of my body and adrenaline pumps through my veins every minute.  I want to run onto the field and wrap myself around him.  Now that I know how deep I am in, I want to tell him.  It doesn’t matter if he loves me back, I just want the chance to love him.  When the game finally ends, Abby, Kyle and I are sitting in the stands waiting for them to clear out a little before we make our way to our car.  My phone buzzes in my purse and I feel the excitement as I look at the message.

            Jackson:  I will meet you at your place.  I’m not going out with the guys.  I just want to be with you. 

            Me:  Thank God.  I will see you soon.

When we get to the apartment, Abby and Kyle pour themselves a glass of wine and head into her room.  I am pacing my room, trying to decide if he will think I am crazy if I tell him how I feel.  It isn’t just the feeling of love that has me so worked up, it is the feeling of freedom.  I am going to choose Jackson.  I am going to wake up tomorrow knowing that my family won’t approve but I don’t care.  I am going to be happy and I am going to be me, not who they think I should be.  I hear a knock at the front door and I practically run to answer it. 

            Jackson looks amazing as always.  His dark hair is wet from a shower and he is wearing gym shorts with a tight t-shirt.  His small gym bag is strapped across his chest messenger style and hangs slightly off his right hip.  I jump into his arms and wrap my legs around him, planting kiss after kiss on his forehead.  He steps inside the doorway and kicks the door shut behind us. 

            Jackson’s arms are wrapped around me as he makes his way down the hall.  His laugh is filling my heart as he tries to return whatever kiss he can as I continue to shower him with small kisses all over his face.  Once in my room he closes the door behind him and fidgets with the lock.  I slide down his body and take a step back so he can take his bag off.  In one smooth move he tosses the bag into the corner and then smiles at me and opens his arms wide again, as if to request I resume the previous position.

            Giggling I jump back in to his arms and he makes his way over to my bed, laying me down and then crawling up the bed so that our heads rest on my pillow.  This time things are different; he looks into my eyes longer and kisses me more gently and I can feel the peace that overcomes us when we are together.  It feels like home.  He brushes his thumbs across my cheeks and stares into my eyes without saying anything.  It is the most intimate moment I have ever experienced and I can see that he is feeling it too. 

            Two weeks ago I didn’t know this man and tonight I feel like I have never known anyone more.  I don’t know how it is possible and I would never believe it if it didn’t happen to me.  In the beginning when he touched me I felt electricity but now I feel warmth, as if every time he touches me my heart grows a size and the blood heats up and warms my soul. 

            Jackson kisses my lips and it feels so familiar, as if his lips were created to kiss mine and mine to kiss his.  He clasps my hands in his and slowly brings our clasped hands up above my head.  I wouldn’t have thought that our connection could grow any more intense but it is building with each delicate move that he makes. 

            We have not said a word to each other since I opened the door but it feels like we have said so much.  He runs the tip of his nose across my cheek and whispers a kiss across my lips. 

            “Jackson,” I whisper and his eyes lock onto mine, ”this is going to sound crazy since we have only known each other for two weeks, but I love you.”  I feel the heat in my face and my heart races in my chest as I wait for his response.  Jackson chuckles a little and then a smile stretches across his face and he kisses my lips before responding.

            “Maddy,” he whispers, “this is going to sound crazy, but I think I have been in love with you since that night on the roof.”  It should sound crazy but it doesn’t.  It sounds like the most wonderful thing I have ever heard and I lift my head up so our lips can meet again.  The kiss is full of reverence and love as we are connected through our clasped hands and open hearts.

            Jackson lets go of my hands and reaches down to touch his hand to where my skin is peaking out between my pants and my shirt.  There is usually an urgency between us but tonight it is tender and unrushed.  His hand sweeps up my side slowly, taking my shirt with it until I lift myself slightly so he can remove it.  I want to feel his skin against mine so I begin to trail my hands up his sides and pull his shirt over his head.  When our bare skin connects it is a feeling of warmth and connection as his hard muscles press against my soft curves. 

            Jackson’s hands explore my body, and I hold on to him tightly, running my fingers up and down his back.  His mouth heats up my neck as he licks and sucks his way down to my chest and swiftly removes my bra, replacing its support with his hands and warm mouth.  I close my eyes against the overwhelming feelings that are crashing down on me.  “Look at me, Maddy,” Jackson whispers at my ear and then stares into my eyes as he brushes my hair behind my ears.  “No running.”

            I nod my head at his words and try hard to focus on just being with him.  I let go of all of my rules and the expectations of my family and just take this moment as my own.  Reaching down I begin to lower his shorts and he pulls his head away to look into my eyes.  “I want to feel you, Jackson.  Nothing in between us.”

            I watch as he weighs out his decision and finally he lifts his hips to allow me access to remove his shorts.  His boxers are still on and my jeans still cover me, but with each item removed the intimacy of the moment multiplies and I feel as if we can’t possibly get any closer.  Jackson shifts his weight so that he is lying to the side of me and runs his finger across my stomach from hip bone to hip bone.  At first he watches his finger, sliding it slowly in a way that builds my desire, then he looks me straight in the eyes as he retraces its line back to my other hip.  I nod when his finger stops at my button and watch his eyes as he begins to remove my pants. 

            I have heard stories of sex being clumsy, rushed and awkward, but tonight this seduction is smooth and graceful.  I lift my hips to help him and he pulls down my pants and panties at the same time.  I lie naked below him both physically and emotionally and watch as his eyes take me in.   I wait for his hands to touch me in the spots newly revealed but instead he places his hand on the side of my face and kisses me. 

            There is no question that I want to be with him in this way—no doubt in my mind he is the right choice to share this with.  I graze my fingertips down his side and am encouraged as his muscles jump beneath my touch.  When I reach the waistband to his boxers, I tuck my fingers underneath and begin to pull them down.  Jackson’s hand finds mine and he stills it beneath his grip.  “Maddy, I have never wanted anything as bad as I want this, but if you are not ready I can wait.” 

            I don’t answer him, I just watch him as I remove his boxers and run my hand along his bare skin.  Jackson’s hand warps around my head so that his fingers are tangled in my hair and his thumb rests on my cheek.  He pulls my mouth towards his and kisses me, slowly stroking my cheek with his thumb.  My hand is on his forearm now, clinging to him as he guides my face towards his.  I grip his bicep with my other arm and sink into the feeling of being completely secure and protected in his arms. 

            “I can’t remember the last time I was ever this nervous, Rookie.  I don’t want to hurt you. “  I’m not nervous at all because I completely trust him. 

            “Jackson, I trust you.”  He is completely still, studying my face and watching for each emotion. 

            “Then look at me the whole time, Maddy.  No running.  Just me and you.”  I nod my head and smile to reassure him this is what I want.  He gets up from the bed and grabs something from his gym bag.  At the edge of the bed, he reaches his hand out for me and I take it.  Jackson lifts me off the bed then pulls down the covers and climbs in, holding the covers open for me to join him. “And your mother is worried about your manners,” I say and we both laugh before scooting together so that our bodies are touching and his leg is in between mine. 

            Jackson lightly cups my face and then trails his hand down my body, stopping to feel each sensitive area until I am aching with need.  His hand slips between my legs and he ignites the skin on my thighs with his warm touch before slowly reaching my center.  He begins to make slow circles again with his hand, with just the right amount of pressure to have me blind with desire.  I close my eyes for a second but Jackson whispers for me to look at him and once again our eyes meet.

            “Maddy, I don’t care what they say in romance novels, this is going to hurt.  I think if you trust me and we take our time, we can make it amazing for both of us.”  I nod my head and hope he will continue to lead me in this.  His eyes look over my shoulder and I turn my head to follow his line of vision.  A condom is next to me and for a second I wonder why he would carry them with him, but I remember that he is no virgin.  I reach up and take the wrapper, opening it as Jackson continues to build my desire and pleasure. 

            When I have the condom in my hand, I reach for him and begin to roll it on.  I have heard I should be nervous, that this should be a clumsy experience but I can’t imagine that Jackson would let that happen.  When the condom is in place, Jackson runs a hand along himself to make sure it is on correctly, and then adjusts himself so that he is between my legs, his hand returning to my center.  With the excitement of this moment, my orgasm begins to build causing my body to throb with need and heat. 

            “Tell me when you’re close, Maddy,” Jackson whispers and then looks into my eyes.  It only takes a minute for that moment to arrive, like a bolt of electricity it surges through me.

            “Jackson….” I whisper as my body shutters under him.  As the first wave rolls through me, Jackson pushes against my entrance and I can feel my body tightening around him.  The feeling of stretching is new to me but not uncomfortable and as he pushes further inside me, his movement increases the pleasure that is now rolling over me.  With one last thrust he is completely inside me and I wince at the sharp pain that shoots through me. 

            Jackson’s arms are around me and he hugs me tight, kissing my cheek and my lips as we wait for the pain to pass.  I almost close my eyes again but Jackson shakes his head before they shut completely and I anchor to his eyes again and breathe steady.  I am not sure how long we stay like this but the pain is wearing off and Jackson begins to move in and out of me, not once letting his eyes leave mine. 

            I have never been more connected to any one and the feeling swells inside my chest causing a tear to fall down my face towards my hair.  Jackson’s thumb swipes it away and he kisses where it traveled, whispering, “I love you,” and I feel his pace quicken and then his body tense beneath my touch.  I could never have asked for a better first time. 

            As I fall asleep wrapped in his arms I know that my virginity was not the only thing given away tonight.  I gave Jackson my heart, and he gave me his in return.   

*************PLEASE REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR CHAPTER ONE!!!!!  FIND ME ON PINTEREST @SARAHWHITEWRITE AND TWITTER AT @SARAHWHITEWRITE.  THE WHOLE STORY WILL BE POSTED BEFORE THE END OF THIS MONTH.***************************************