Chapter Four

            I cried myself to sleep last night and it wasn’t pretty like in all the movies.  There were tears and snot and some hiccupping and finally when my pillow was drenched with my tears I feel asleep.  So, perhaps not a Hallmark drama, but today my life would give any Zombie movie a run for its money.  I can’t remember what I did ten minutes ago and doing even the littlest things, like taking a shower, seem impossible.  I broke Greg’s heart last night and shattered mine in the process.  I thought this was what I wanted but I didn’t think it would hurt.

            I finally make my way into the shower but forego the makeup and hair drier.  How I made it through all of my classes today I still don’t know, but I need to pull myself together so we can fake happy couple for my family.  I feel like a terrible person accepting this gift of freedom he has given me and even worse that I am going to make him sit with my family tonight and pretend I haven’t ripped his heart from his chest.  As if I weren’t terrible enough already, my mind wanders to Jackson and I wonder where he is right now.

            Greg is on time, of course, and gives me a hug when I get in the car.  We ride in silence again to my dad’s house and as we pull into the driveway Greg looks over at me and offers a small smile.  I reach my hand out and place it in his with a small squeeze.  I may not be in love with him but I do love him as a friend.  I don’t want to see him hurt but he is right: I need these three weeks to get my fears under control.  I need to figure out if I am afraid of growing up or just afraid of growing into a life with him.

            All of my brothers are here and offer me big hugs as we enter the living room.  Ben is the oldest followed by the twins, Brandon and Caleb.  My dad wraps his arms around me as well and I breathe in his scent of aftershave and feel safe all at once.  We make small talk throughout dinner about business and school and I keep looking over to Greg hoping to see him smile at me but he can’t look me in the eyes.  I need to get out of here before I break down.  My heart is constricted so tight in my chest that it hurts when I inhale. 

            My dad disappears into the kitchen and returns with a birthday cake, which prompts my brothers and Greg into a horrible rendition of the Happy Birthday song.  I look to each of them with a smile and when my eyes land on Greg he finally gives me a tight smile and a nod.  As each of my brothers pulls out a small present for me, I know that the most costly gift being given to me this year is not wrapped and sitting on the table.  It is Greg who has paid the highest price for my gift and I will be forever in debt to him.

            After opening the gifts and saying our goodbyes, Greg and I get into the car.  The only noise the entire ride home is from my phone when it chirps with a message from my maternal aunt Gwen asking that I stop by tomorrow to pick up my gift.  She has been the closest thing to a mother to me over the years but there is tension between her and my father so our relationship is strained at times.  She is my mother’s only sister and she looks so much like I remember my mother looking that being around her is painful for me as well. 

            When we reach my apartment, Greg walks me to the door.  I have a million questions to ask him but before they can reach my mouth I decide they aren’t important.  As we stand outside my front door he reaches for my hands, “Happy Birthday, Madeline.  I hope this year brings you everything you have ever wanted.”

            “Thank you, Greg.  Will you call me?”

            “How about you call me?  I want to give you space but I will be there to talk to you if you want to reach out.”  I know how hard this must be for him and I am in awe of his self-sacrifice. 

            “I will, but please let me know that you have landed safely.  I won’t be able to rest until I know you are ok.”  Greg nods his head and then lifts my hand up to his mouth to lay a kiss on my knuckles.  We stand there for a second, both knowing that this could be the end and then Greg puts his hands in his pockets and turns and walks away.  I watch him go, wondering if I am letting my future walk away with him.

            I open the door and find Abby sitting on the couch with Kyle.  It looks intense so I give a little wave to them and make my way to my room.  I would cry again if there were more tears left but that well has run dry today.  I sit at the edge of my bed with my feet lightly brushing the carpet and try to absorb what the feeling of freedom truly is.  I close my eyes and clear my thoughts, but I am interrupted by a knocking at our front door.  Abby answers and I tip my head to the side straining to hear footsteps down my hall. 

            When I look up Jackson is standing in my doorway.  “Hey Rookie, thank God you are in here.  I thought I was going to have to follow you up that old trellis again and I was worried about how your ankle would hold up on that climb.”  The emptiness I have been feeling begins to fill up with heat and I can’t help but to smile at his teasing.  He looks amazing in a dark pair of jeans and fitted t-shirt with our college logo across the front. 

            Blue, his eyes are blue and are now piercing into me with such intensity.  He twists his baseball cap to the back and then enters my room, leaning on the dresser in front of me.  “Please come in,” I raise my brows and half smile at him as he makes himself comfortable in my room uninvited.  He doesn’t follow the rules and this excites me to no end.

            “Can’t stay long, Rookie, we are going to be late.” 

            “Late?  Please don’t let me keep you from your other pressing engagements, Jackson.”  I laugh at how absurd this whole interaction is becoming.  If he has somewhere else to be, then why is he here?  His eyes meet mine with a wide smile and he brings a wrapped box out from behind his back. 

            “I said we are going to be late, Rookie, pay attention.  Happy Birthday and best regards for a great year and please make sure if you ever tell my mother about the evening that we met you mention that I later returned with a gift for the birthday girl.  Wouldn’t want her heart broken from my terrible manners.”  My face flushes as he hands the box to me.  My heart is hammering in my chest and I feel like I am going to pass out.  After feeling nothing but an ache in my chest all day, I chuckle at his need to please his mother and the tightness around my heart begins to loosen. 

            “Jackson you didn’t have to do this…but I will be sure to remember --if the moment ever presents itself that I am in your wonderful southern mother’s presence --to speak very highly of your manners.”  I place my hand across my heart and do my best Scarlet O’Hara impression. 

            “Thanks, Rookie, I knew I could count on you to hide my indiscretions.  Now hurry up and open that so we won’t be late.  I am sort of a guest of honor and the coaches get a little pissy if I am not there to represent. “  I unwrap the box and pull out a small t-shirt with our team logo on it and a large number printed on the back.

            “Let me guess, Mr. Quarterback, this is your number?”  I hold the back of the t-shirt up for him to see and he smiles ear to ear. 

            “Geez, Rookie, you are breaking my heart.  You might be the only girl on campus that doesn’t already know that.”  He winks and then turns around and faces the wall.

            “What are you doing?”

            He twists his head slightly in my direction and places his hands on his hips. “I am turning around so you can put it on…but if you would like me to see I can turn back…”

            “Not a chance.  Eyes to the wall.”  I have never done this before.  The excitement of changing in a room with Jackson races through me and it feels like hope and happiness all wrapped in warmth and it’s running through my veins.  I pull my old t-shirt off and quickly put the new one over my head.  I have it to the bottom of my breasts when Jackson turns around.  “Hey, I wasn’t finished.”

            “That was the idea.” He whispers loudly and the winks.  I throw my old shirt and him and he bats it away.  “Let’s go, Beautiful, the team’s waiting.”

            I follow him out of my room and steal a glance at Abby and Kyle as they watch us in silent amazement as we leave the apartment.  When I turn to close the door behind me I see Abby mouth me, “ OMG.”  Jackson grabs my hand and leads me to his truck.  I know it’s cliché but I feel waves of electricity run up my arm and I bite hard on my lips to keep from smiling like a joker.  I can’t believe this is happening and I want to stop for a minute to process everything I feel, but Jackson tugs at my hand as we reach his truck. 

            It is not ridiculously high but being that Jackson is a big guy his truck requires a step for me to get in it.  Jackson opens the door and then grabs my hips, turning me to face him.  When I look up into his eyes he smiles down at me and I know immediately he is enjoying this as much as I am.  He firmly grips my hips causing heat to pull in all the right places, and I watch his face as he lifts my body into the truck as if I weigh nothing to him.

            “What a gentleman,” I say as he reaches to close my door and he laughs out loud as he walks around to his side.   He slides into his seat and fires up the engine as his headlights glow through the darkness that now surrounds us.  “Where are we going, Jackson?” 

            “Being that I am the school quarterback, I can’t allow a fellow senior to graduate without at least attending one pep rally.  Come on, Rookie, my mom would have my ass if I didn’t show you some southern hospitality.”  I feel like a kid on Christmas.  I am giddy with excitement as his truck pulls into the school’s parking lot.  Jackson rolls down our windows so he can wave at what I am guessing are fellow players and a few fans.  I feel like I am finally experiencing something other college kids have known about all along, as if now I am part of the club too. 

            “Don’t you dare open that door Maddy, I am coming around to let you out.”  When Jackson opens the door I am looking down on him from my seat.  I study the way his jaw is chiseled and his biceps are firm as he reaches up to grab my waist.  I am not going to lie, the thought to jump out and throw myself into his arms did cross my mind, but if he can show some manners then so can I.  Jackson’s hands guide me to the edge of the seat and then he slowly lowers me down his body until my feet hit the asphalt below.  My ankle is still sore but I can walk a short distance. 

            College students are descending upon us in large masses with coolers and school memorabilia.  Jackson grabs my hand again and pulls me along through the crowd.  I don’t understand how this can feel so fast and yet as I watch him maneuvering through the crowd in front of me I see it in slow motion.  The way he checks behind himself every few minutes and smiles when he sees my face makes me giggle.  I’m not going anywhere but with him and I don’t know how he can’t see that written across my face, but maybe he can and that is why he smiles. 

            There is a large stage set up in front of the crowd and the cheerleaders are dancing to music as a highlight reel is played on large screens set up on the corners of the stage.  Jackson pulls me to the front of the stage and then positions me in front of him.  His hands rest on my waist as he pulls my body back to rest against his.  He leans down and whispers in my ear, “See what you’ve been missing, Rookie,” and I want so badly to tell him he has no idea.  I have been missing this: the school camaraderie, the excitement of the games, and the typical college experience.  What Jackson doesn’t know is that I have also been missing the excitement of being with someone I find very attractive, the need to feel his skin against mine, and the feeling of being completely lust drunk when standing so close to him. 

            As the highlights play on and the excitement in the crowd grows and grows, we stand pressed into each other, hearts racing with the thrill of each aspect of tonight.  Jackson moves his hands from my waist and slips them across my stomach in a loose embrace and then rests his chin my shoulder.  “I love pep rallies, Rookie.  I look forward to them because they pump me up for the game.  I like to be here when they bring the cheerleaders out and I like to stay until they start closing down the stage.  Right now, I just want to be with you.  I want to take you away from here and have you all to myself again like up on the roof.  I don’t know what is going on with your boyfriend, since you came here with me, but just know that I am a competitive guy.  I go after what I want, Maddy, and I haven’t wanted anything as bad as I want you in a long time.” 

            I close my eyes and press my body back into his.  Reaching down I put my hands over his and return the embrace.  Want and need are wrapping their way through my body and lust is burning my core.  I want Jackson, to feel his body pressed against mine and to taste his lips again.  I turn my head back to the side so our faces are close and I can feel the heat of his breath against my lips.  “Thank you for this Jackson,” but I can’t finish because he crushes his lips to mine and I reach one hand up to touch his face.  The world around us goes black as I feel his hands pull me back against his hard body.  The crowd begins to move and we break apart as they rush past us to where the rival’s mascot has been placed atop a large wooden pile. 

            “Come here, Rookie, you have got to see this!”  Jackson breaks us apart and pulls at my hand as the coach lights the wood on fire.  Everyone is screaming and cheering as the mascot goes up in a blaze of flames.  Jackson is high fiving people like crazy and I can see that we are now surrounded by other men dressed in the same shirt as he is and a few girls are by their sides wearing a shirt similar to mine but with different numbers.  Jackson tugs my arm closer so I am by his side, then wraps an arm around my shoulder.  He introduces me to some of the players and their girlfriends and the crowd begins to disperse with talks of other parties making their way from person to person. 

            The warmth of Jackson’s body envelops me as I stay pressed to his side while he talks with his teammates.  I can see the other girls looking at me, and some are even whispering then looking over in my direction.  I have no idea what I have gotten myself into but tonight I don’t care.  I do not want this night to end.  When the coaches yell to the players to go home and get some rest, the final packs of students start making their way back to the parking lot.  Jackson and I are one of the last couples to walk out to the dark lot and when we reach the edge of the grass he stops and turns me to look at him. 

            “Climb on, Rookie, I will give you a ride to the car.  I know your ankle has to be sore out here.”  I nod and jump onto his back when he squats down.  My legs are wrapped around him and I rest my head on his back.  I feel at peace for the first time in a long time and I pray that I am going to be able to use these three weeks wisely.  When we get to the car I slide down his back and he helps me up into the car like before.  After climbing in on his side, he starts the car and then rests his hand on my knee. 

            The tension builds as we ride home in silence with his warm hand sliding up my thigh ever so slightly as he navigates the streets to my place.  “Jackson, do you have a girlfriend or someone that wouldn’t be very happy about this?”  I can’t help it.  I need to know if I am going to cause some other woman heartbreak or if he is free to be with me.  I hold my breath as he turns towards me to answer.

            “I haven’t been with her since the night I met you, Rookie.  It wasn’t a committed relationship or anything, but we have been hooking up for about six months.  I am going to be honest, Maddy, I met up with her earlier this week.  I had been obsessing over our night, wanting to be with you and knowing I couldn’t have you.  So I called her to see if I just needed something she could provide.  We started messing around but I just wasn’t that into it.  I told her we should take a break for awhile, that I wanted to focus on playing football and finishing my classes.”

            I am relieved that he is single but nervous now that I know for sure what he wants from me.  He squeezes my thigh and then says, “No pressure, Maddy, breathe.  I just want to be honest with you so that you don’t find out later from other people and hate me.  What about you? Why was it so easy to convince you to go out with me tonight?  I thought you had a boyfriend.”

            “We are taking a break.  Three weeks.  I need to figure some things out for myself and he thinks I can do it best without him. “  I want to be honest, too.  I don’t know how to do the dating or hooking up thing and I feel like I am going to have to follow Jackson’s lead. 

            “He let you go for three weeks?  Just like that.”  Jackson shakes his head and looks out the window.  “I couldn’t have done it.  I have only known you for about a week and I can’t stand the thought of some other guy touching you.”  We pull into the parking lot of my building and he jumps out to open my door once we park.  Jackson holds my hand as he walks me up to my front door.  When we get there I suddenly feel nervous again and I am not sure what to do next. 

            “Would you like to come in for a while, Jackson?” My voice is so timid I almost don’t recognize it. 

            “I would regret it forever if I turned that down, Rookie.  I would love to extend this evening.”  I open the door and he follows me in to the apartment.  It is dark and empty.  There is a small note on the counter in the kitchen that Abby has left telling me she is spending the night at Kyle’s and to be ready to spill my guts when she gets home.  I laugh and then put the note in my pocket so Jackson doesn’t see it. 

            “So, what is on the list for these next three weeks, Rookie?”  Jackson comes around the counter so we are standing toe to toe in the kitchen.  I guess I haven’t thought about that yet.  I just want to feel free and like I have lived my life.  I bite my lip and shake my head, putting my hands in my back pockets.

            “I haven’t thought about it, Jackson.  I have wanted this for so long but it has never really been a possibility so I haven’t planned it out.  You helped me tonight experience a few things that I would have put on the list.”

            “Hmmm, what were those,” Jackson places his hands on my hips and pulls my body up against his so I can feel every inch of him against me.

            “I’ve never been to a pep rally, “ he brushes his nose against mine and I think he is going to kiss me but he just smiles and mumbles a go-on sound, “and I have never wanted someone to touch me as badly as I want you to.”  It is a whisper and I close my eyes as his lips meet mine.  It is slow and soft as we discover each others’ lips again but then he puts his hands on the side of my face and deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue into my mouth. 

            Our bodies are colliding under the movement of the kiss and he backs me up to the counter and presses himself against me.  Our mouths leave each other for a minute as we rest our foreheads together and try to gasp in air.  I am so turned on that my cheeks are flushed with heat and my body is tingling with awareness and want.  In one fast movement Jackson lifts me onto the edge of the counter.  He is looking at where his hands have met my body as he slowly slides them up to my ribs and then lightly cups the outside of my breasts before returning his gaze to mine. 

            I press my body into his hands giving him permission to take this further.  He sucks in my bottom lip and then lightly bites it as he caresses my breasts with his warm hands.  I put my hands on the side of his face, needing to feel the roughness of his jaw under my touch.  His hands drift down to my backside and he pulls me closer to him so that I can feel his need between my legs.  There is a feeling inside me building and building from the contact our bodies are making as he holds me tightly against him as if he wants to crawl inside me. 

            There is a sound of a key in the lock and I jump down from the counter and tuck Jackson behind me.  Abby bursts through the door, her face puffy from crying, and  she stops short as she sees us standing in the kitchen.  “Oh, no, I’m sorry,” she says in a panic as she takes in the scene. 

            “’It’s all right, Abby, are you ok?”  With this she starts to cry again and shakes her head no.  She throws her purse on the counter and then makes her way to the tissue in the living room.  I turn around to Jackson who has such a guilty look on his face it makes me laugh and I hit his arm playfully and then give him a hug.  “I’m sorry, Jackson, but I have to take care of her.”  He nods his head and makes his way to the front door. 

            “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rookie,” he says and then lightly kisses my forehead.

            “I have to visit family tomorrow.”  I am so disappointed that we won’t have a chance to let this thing play out.  Jackson steps out onto the front step and then turns around so he is facing me again.

            “Well, Rookie, I guess that it’s a good thing that a day is made up of twenty-four hours.  There is no way your family can take them all.”  He reaches into my back pocket and pulls out my cell phone.  He types in a few things and I am suddenly very glad I have never protected my phone with a password.  His phone chimes with a message notification and he slowly slides my phone back into my pocket.  “I will tell you what else I know, Maddy,” leaning in real close and pressing his warm lips to my neck he trails kisses from my shoulder to just under my ear and I shutter with the feeling,  “I now have your number and three weeks to make you realize how great we could be together.”  Jackson kisses my lips and then steps off the step putting space between us.  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rookie.”

            “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jackson.”  

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