Chapter Eight

         Three days ago, I woke up in Jackson’s arms.  I slept the entire night wrapped up in him and as fairytale as it sounds, it changed my life.  When we woke up he took me back to my place so that I could freshen up and then we walked hand in hand to a small café where we ate pancakes and drank coffee while getting to know each other better.  I feared it would be awkward, like what took place between us would somehow be wrong for us and drive us apart, but is was entirely comfortable.  Our breakfast felt like two old friends meeting to catch up on each other’s lives--except while waiting for our food or our check, we couldn’t keep from touching each other.

         Our time together was spent talking and touching, a brush of a hand on my leg, a twist of my hair around his fingers or a light kisses on my head as he tucked me into his side in the booth.  I felt the same way towards him, as if I couldn’t stop myself from holding his hand or flipping his hat around on his head.  We spent the day together, walking around the city, holding hands and exploring the town and each other.

         Every day since then we have been together.  Tonight he has to leave town for a game and I am trying not to mope as we watch TV with Abby and Kyle.  I can’t help but to feel cheated, like his game is taking away time from my three weeks.  I am not even sure what show we are watching because Jackson has been running his fingers up and down my arm as I lay against him.  Abby throws a piece of popcorn at me and I throw a handful at her in return.  I need something to lift the sadness I feel at losing time with Jackson while he is gone.  It only takes a minute for a full-on popcorn war to break out and we are whizzing popcorn back and forth across the apartment. 

         Laughing so hard I can’t breathe, I try to follow Jackson as he makes an escape to my room.  I am being pelted from behind as we run down the hall and find refuge in my room.  Jackson falls back on the bed and puts a piece of popcorn that was tucked in his collar into his mouth.  I try to pick the pieces out of my hair but I can’t get them all and Jackson motions for me to come over to him so he can help.  When I reach the end of the bed, Jackson hooks his hands behind my knees and pulls me down onto the bed so that I am straddling him. 

         In that small move the mood has changed, and I look into Jackson’s eyes as he pulls me higher onto his body, holding the backs of my thighs when I close the distance and begin to kiss him.  We kiss until my lips are sore and Jackson has explored my body with his hands.  I want to push it farther but I know that Jackson is leaving early and needs to get some rest so he can do some schoolwork on the plane.  I kiss down his neck and he pulls my hair back off my face, gathering it all at my nape with his hands. 

         “I don’t want you to go,” I say before I can stop myself and then close my eyes so I don’t have to see the look on his face.  We have not been together long enough for me to say things like that and I am surprised when he kisses my lips and tells me he doesn’t want to leave me. 

         “Maddy, don’t ever be embarrassed to tell me how you feel.”  He lets go of my hair and twirls the ends between his fingers.  “I need to know something before I leave.”  His face is softer now and I can see concern in his eyes. 

         “What, Jackson?”  I sit up a little so that I can get a better look at his face when he talks to me.

         “I know I don’t have a right to ask you about a lot of things, we are just getting to know each other, but I am going to admit that the thought of being so far away from you for a few days has me so on edge.  I think about you calling him.  When I am here and with you I know there is so much between us, but when I am at my place, or with the team I feel like my head is somewhere else.  I think about how much time we have left and I feel sick.  The other day at practice while running some plays I thought of what you might be doing, or who you were thinking about and I wanted to run off the field and go find you.”

         We sit for a minute, just looking at each other, and I offer a small nod.  Jackson leans up on his elbows and kisses my lips gently, “I am not the caveman type, Maddy.  I don’t give a shit where a girl is when she is not with me and I certainly don’t care what she is thinking about when I’m playing ball.  I know right now I am a long shot, but please tell me I’m still in the game.”

         I run my hand through his hair and smile down on him, “Jackson, you are the first string quarterback in real life and in the metaphorical ‘game’.   My head is always with you.  Being with you is amazing, but I don’t have the freedom to just drop all my commitments to my family and choose relationships based only on my happiness.  No matter how these three weeks end, you have to know you have my heart, and this time we spend together will be the happiest three weeks of my life.”

         “I would never wish that were true, Rookie,” Jackson, brushes his knuckles across my forehead and then tucks the hair that is now falling over us behind my ears.   I am confused; maybe I read the signals wrong.  I thought he would be happy that I would always think of our time together as the three weeks I was the happiest. “Maddy, my wish for you is that one day you look back on these three weeks with me and realize it was the time that you loved me the least.  I want you to know what love is with out a doubt, and I know it is too soon to say we love each other now, but this is my wish so I am allowed to hope that whatever this is between us grows until we call it love.  As for your happiest three weeks, Rookie, you haven’t seen anything yet.”  With that he kisses me again, with a passion that I have grown to crave. 

         Jackson flips us over so that he is on top of me, cradled between my legs.  I can’t get enough of this man and I pull him close to me as I feel the last pieces of my resistance fray.  I wanted these three weeks to be a time of exploration, a little space to get a few things out of my system.  I had no plans of growing attached to anyone, but Jackson has changed that.  I think of him first thing when I wake up and he is the last person I talk to before I sleep.

         Jackson pulls my attention back to the moment when he slides my shirt up and over my head.  I feel the shadow of whiskers across my chest as he kisses his way across my breasts.  I lean up to get a grip on the bottom of his shirt and he takes the opportunity to unhook my bra and slide it down my arms.  His shirt is now off and I can feel the warmth of his chest pressed against mine and I run my fingernails lightly down his back.  Sliding his hand down the back of my leg, Jackson bends my knee and pulls my leg around his waist.  This is what I have been waiting for, the moment when I let go of all of the rules and allow myself to feel wanted and confident in my ability to bring a man to the edge of need and desire. 

         Jackson’s hips grind down on me and send a shot of lust through my body.  His hands pass over my skin with such perfection that in no time I am arching up to meet him and matching his slow rhythm, rocking my hips up against him.  I can feel that he wants me as he kisses my neck and presses every inch of himself against my body.  I can feel his phone vibrating in his front jeans’ pocket and as it comes into his awareness he slows down the kisses but does not pull away entirely.  His lips meet mine gently and he places small kisses across my lips. 

         Our eyes are open now and as his phone beeps with a message and then begins to ring again, we both know it is time for him to go.  I want to rest my head on his chest as I sleep and entwine our legs together until I am covered in his scent and wrapped in his arms.  Our time is coming to an end and all I can do is hug him tightly one last time and close my eyes as he scoops me into his arms and holds me for a while. 

         Greg left days ago and while I am aware that I miss his presence, I am now acutely aware that my heart doesn’t miss him.  My heart wants Jackson.  Pulling back, he looks into my eyes and gives me one last kiss on my forehead before moving to my side and retrieving his phone from his pocket.  He types out a quick text and then with a look of regret and hesitation he tells me it is time for him to go.  I nod my head at his words but the loss I feel in my soul makes it impossible to speak. 

         We both sit up and slowly put our clothes and shoes back on in silence, neither of us addressing the heavy feeling of loss that has entered the room like a thick fog.  I’m falling for him and I can’t help but to notice the way that sits uneasily in my stomach.  If I know what it feels like to fall, I might soon know what it feels like to be broken.

         I walk him to my door and he kisses me again as a car full of football players begin to honk the horn and yell silly things into my building.  Jackson promises to call and text when he can, then I watch as he jogs out the front of my building.  I stand on my front step, my arms folded across my chest against the cold.  I am not sure how long I have been like this, but Abby peaks over my shoulder out to the front of the building and then looks at me as I stare after the path his body took away from me, waiting for the right time to let him go and go back inside. 

         “Oh, Madeline,” her voice is soft and full of concern.  I cast my eyes down knowing that she has seen more than I would have told her.  “You are going to break his heart, you know.”  Looking up to meet her eyes I give a small shrug.

         “I could choose him.”  I try to sound sure of myself but we both know that I would be giving up my family if I did.  Abby wraps her arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder.  We both stare out into the dark night at nothing. 

I wish my mother were here so that I could ask her if this is what it felt like with John.   I need to know how she walked away from this, how she could have such light in her life and shut it out for her family. 

            “You could Madeline, and that is why it will be so devastating for the both of you when you don’t.”  With one last squeeze she leaves me in the doorway alone.

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